Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

I guess you will still be in shock if it's any consolation even though I am the one that left, it has still wrenched my heart in two I keep a good front on it but it still hurts.
Did you think e tried to save it? I tried for 3 solid years and no luck maybe it's to do with the baby. ? Some men feel neglected xx

I agree that it's the hardest thing ever to have to deal with and I do admit that I find the actual feeling of HATE that generates from him is simply strange. I don't know if anyone is further down the line than me but I'm still tangled up in court cases that I just can't wait to be free of .......... a year on yes it has got better but is still hard. He's moved on got a new gf, been on holiday with her and my 4 dcs and acts like the big man around the neighbourhood and I feel it's all just to stick two fingers up at me and not actually genuine.i will move away eventually as I need a bit of distance keep seeing him every other day

Hiya, alittlepieceofme I just wanted to say I'm so sorry what you're going through.

My partner first walked out in April when my son was about 18 months old. I actually took him back and he did it again. We were planning a wedding at that time.

I took him back because I thought it was best for my son. Infact, I just made it harder as I had to go through the pain twice and I'm lucky he's not even two yet if he had been older and understood it I don't know what Id have done.

I think he probably will try to come back to you but I'm in the 'for God's sake don't do it!!!!!' camp.

When they leave the way they have, the way spottybotty and new life and mine have, it really is all about them. It just is. Who leaves their significant other with no money and goes off on holiday with an ow or moves in with them while they watch you struggle???

I would say this, what went wrong in the relationship might be both parties fault, I'm sure we all do things that aren't great. But you must look to how he has acted outside of the relationship, that is the measure of him as a person. You haven't run away from your child. He has.

Despite how much I miss my ex, I am looking at a man who never calls to see how his son is, just picks him up once a week without finding out anything about him at all. He didn't even try to ask how he was when he first buggered off for four whole weeks.it was as if our son didn't exist to him. How can they bear to be away from their children that long!?

Don't blame yourself, ask yourself if someone can do that, how good can it get.

These people are like little children who break an expensive vase or something and then just toddle off to play with something else. I'm not sure they even realize what they've done.

Massive hugs to everyone x

Thank you for messaging, I really don't believe for a second that he will ever come back! He's adamant that it's over and that he doesn't love me anymore! I don't think he realises that having a baby is hard, most couples struggle when there's a new baby! He really isn't the person that I thought he was! I don't think I could ever take him back even if he tried because I would always worry that he would do it again!

You are a stronger woman than I to realize that after just a few days! I work with someone who I found out this happened to over a year ago as well, and she is doing well now and met someone else. And she put it really simply, and well, today when she said 'they do it because they are weak'. I'm not disparaging people who go through tough times and need support but you must tell yourself that and pity him for it. I need to remind myself of that often x

I can assure you it does get better Mambot. I spent 6 months in a state of despair with suicidal thoughts everyday.
Now a year later I thank God everyday that he is gone and my life is so much brighter without all his shit.
You too will get to this stage and your life will improve beyond your wildest hopes. Nobody is happier staying with someone who cheats and treats you like this.
I thought my husband was the love of my life but he was just another man. You deserve better xxx

Sorry to all here for what you've gone through but thank you op for having the courage to start this thread. My wife left in July after a 16 year relationship and 2 ds to be with someone she hooked up with online in May.

I have days where I feel like I'd end it all if I didn't have the kids and days when I can't believe how easy it is to get on with my new life without her.

As others have said, time is the main thing and we'll all get there in the end.

I'm one year and one day on from my controlling and abusive h. Its not east but it is honestly a million times better than being with him latterly was.

I remember my Mum said to me once 'ferris you have to put the bins out and give the kids pizza for tea'. Think of the day in sections. Pick one thing that needs done.

My children ate chips for most of the year. Lower your standards until you are stronger.

I promise it will get better. And I never thought I'd believe that myself.

I'm one year and one day on from my controlling and abusive h. Its not east but it is honestly a million times better than being with him latterly was.

I remember my Mum said to me once 'ferris you have to put the bins out and give the kids pizza for tea'. Think of the day in sections. Pick one thing that needs done.

My children ate chips for most of the year. Lower your standards until you are stronger.

I promise it will get better. And I never thought I'd believe that myself.

All I can say is God must be smiling on me a bit I just came on here after putting my son to bed sobbing my heart out, i really needed to speak to someone and all of you have posted I'm so grateful.

Today was his once weekly visit, I don't do the handover mum does but this is the worst day.

I feel so bitter, we had a lovely family there was nothing wrong with it and he just chucked us and is enjoying his part time dad life. I just want him to suffer guilt or regret for what he's done. Hes so bloody pleased with himself and its just so wrong. He has convinced himself and everyone I'm to blame. He will never regret this.

I feel like I'm never going to get over this loss, it wasn't a bad relationship so I'm not relieved to be out of it, I feel so lonely all the time.

Last night after my son went to bed I just sat in the dark for hours until it was bedtime. I can't bear the evenings.

Oh mambot I'm so sorry! I know exactly what you mean as that was my evening last night too!

Your xh sounds just like my stbxw, zero remorse there either.

Right now I have the kids whilst she enjoys a weekend away with her new boyfriend for her birthday.

I stumbled on a website called tiny Buddha last night and some of the comments on there really helped me put things in perspective, might be worth a look.

All the best, hope today is better for you

Clearly for him there was something wrong with your relationship. Happy marriages don't end in divorce If both are happy.concentrate on things you can control and don't get hooked up on what you hope he will feel it's not worth your energy or emotion

I am sure a lot was wrong for him - but not beyond what a lot of couples manage to get through. He worked away, was young and a chronic liar, has been all his life. Something he inherited from his alcoholic father who did exactly the same to his mother. My ex has done this to every one he's been with, so saying that for him there was something wrong with our relationship is a criticism I feel ever so sensitive towards right now. It is fairer to say there is something wrong with him (and me for swallowing his lies for all that time). Saying there was something wrong with our relationship makes me feel I'm to blame/I wasn't attentive to him and what he claimed he wanted- but I was. I don't need any more self blame at the moment, god knows he'll do enough of that for me.

This "sometimes two people aren't right/it takes two to break a relationship/they wouldn't have left if there wasn't something wrong" thing can, sometimes, in some cases, be utter rubbish. Some people do bad things to people, some people bugger off and leave their children and don't speak to them for weeks on end, leaving their partner to look after their child while they get the lie ins and go out drinking and have holidays with their new partner. In those cases, I refuse to believe that whatever annoyances that couples give each other over the years merit this kind of response.

Was there something wrong with his relationship with his child for him to do this? I doubt anyone would level that criticism, but he's walked out on him just like he's walked out on me.

Some people find it easier to concentrate on what they are doing and let go than others. I am finding this really tough, two months on I am having just as many bad days as I was at the beginning, but even less of the support as everyone thinks I should be ready to move on by now.

Wellyboots, thank you. If there are any links you can send I'd be grateful.

I'm all over the place. Stuck between remembering all the good times and missing him and feeling like an idiot because he was just lying apparently the whole time. All the happy memories seem false now.

Mambot these are the most useful things I've found so far

tinybuddha.com/category/blog/letting-go-blog/ - helpful advice to stop obsessing

www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp - the 180 method helps to focus on you and not the ex

My stbxw said to me that she'd been unhappy for about a year (so just before we started trying for baby #2) and didn't say anything to me until,she'd met someone else so I agree that it can't always be both people that cause the problem and that it's not just the partner they leave behind it's also the kids

Mambot please accept my apologies as I wasn't criticising you in any way.by the way you describe him no matter what you done for him it would never have been enough.I know what you mean about the pain it's there constantly whether you are by yourself or with others.I miss my wife everyday but I cope by remembering the wife that I never knew for the last 3 months before she left and not the good times.if I think of the good times I struggle. Once again I'm sorry if I offended you .

No worries at all Viking. I think I caught that post when I was having a bad moment. Have been out with my son for the bank holiday weekend trying to make memories and have fun but am tormented by all the happy couples and thoughts of 'why didn't their husbands leave but mine did... It must be me'! Etc... That just tipped me over the edge but I know it comes from a good place.

Welly boots thank you for the link I found it to be quite alleviating for a good hour or so last night. Especially the tiny Buddha blogs x

Hope everyone is ok and managed to have a good weekend x

When this happens everyone seems happily paired up but we all know that is far from the truth. You can feel the loneliest person on the planet at times and wish you could fast forward time but we can't so we just go a day at a time and cope.don't know if I've said but if you want to chat or vent just message me I'm a good listener and have learnt talking really does help take care.

You're welcome mambot. I've had a nice weekend thanks. Today was stbxw's birthday and thought I was going to really struggle but took some time to indulge in a bit of me time after she picked the kids up and now they are safely tucked up in bed at my house again.

I've decided recently to do what Viking has also said and I'm now trying to remind myself of all the pain she's caused and how much she's changed now rather than dwelling on all the lost good times whenever I'm feeling low.

Hope things brighten up for you too

Hi mambot how are you today hope it's all ok..ish. and wellyboots hope things are ok with you .

Hiya, thanks for thinking of me! I was ok today after a dream in which I got to feel him what an irresponsible so and so he was, but I made the mistake of looking on the forums here about parental responsibility this evening; court orders and the like and now just feel sad again... I don't want my son to be pulled from his family home for Christmas day and birthday every other year just because his father wants the single life... I was reading about how once they have other kids with the new wife they have barely any child support costs to pay for their first child but they can still demand to have them half the week etc.

None of this seems fair at all... We didn't choose to be left like this. Just getting into a state now about it so again and spiraling down xxx

How are you? Did you cope alright after the anniversary day?

Hello sorry you are down right now.I shouldn't have asked how you are.but pull yourself back up and funny enough soon you won't be down quite so much and you won't even realise.I over analysed every aspect and came to the worst case scenario about everything it shows our state of mind at the time I think.the only thing we can do is worry about the things we have control of which don't seem much at times.chin up mate.my son is 24 but to me he is still 2 years old I hug him and tell him I love him everyday.he's been my rock tbh and hes hurting but still concerns himself with my well being everyday. I was pissed off because I found out my wife was telling her family she's moved into a house with a female work colleague. Nearly right she's a he.I don't feel the need to tell them its not worth my energy.As for my anniversary I got the day wrong how funnys that I was down last Thursday but next day my actual anniversary I was ok so that worked anyway always here for a chat your not alone.

Hiya Viking how are you feeling? Your son sounds lovely, well done him for being there, and for you getting on with it!

I'm a bit better today, took my son away camping for the weekend and we had a great time I feel alive again, just getting a break from work and it being just the two of us made me realize he's my absolute world and I love being with him so much, then the weather was rubbish so we came home a day early and had a lovely duvet day. I do not miss my ex one bit right now (I did miss having help with my son whilst camping but that's different, any help would have been good!)

Even got another email of his tonight where he clearly doesn't regret a damn thing and I am unfazed! ❤

What a feeling! Let's hope it lasts!

Aahh good for you.don't underestimate how difficult that was for you to do.things you would have done together are always hard but will get easier.I shop somewhere else now because I'd get choked up in the frozen aisle so I now go to lidl.I felt really good all last week but felt proper down Friday night so be ready if it happens to you but it's not as if we've not been there before is it.my son always feels guilty because he stays out most Friday and Saturday nights so it's just me but I tell him it's cool and don't be silly but I miss him and feel a bit lonely sometimes
but wouldn't say that to him.My wife text me tonight told her not to but she still does .You sound a lot more positive so that's gotta be a good thing.keep smiling and message anytime you want a chat.

Hi mambot and Viking, hope you're both ok. Sorry I didn't reply until now. I've been having a really rough time as it was used to be our wedding anniversary on 12th august then her birthday on the 28th and today is was our 16 year anniversary of when we started dating.

I honestly don't think I'd be able to get up in the morning if I didn't have the kids and I still can't believe I have it in me to get past all of this.