Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

Hi welly boots, I can imagine how you feel right now x huge hugs x do you know what, the fact that it all bothers you shows you are a decent human being.

How long has it been for you? It'll be slow, it's still hard for me but I had a really good day yesterday where I felt better and that was after only two months. I don't think I'm recovered yet but there will be glimpses of light in the coming weeks and months.

Is there anything you want to vent? Feel free to message if you need to, I'm here till about five x

She moved out on 1st July but we were pretty much over in April when I found out about her online activities (I thought we were trying to work through it but she just carried on behind my back).

I've had some days where I feel fine and days like today where I hate my life. I can't stop obsessing over her even though I hate what she's become, we see/speak a lot still because of the kids and when we do it feels perfectly normal (if you saw our texts you'd think I'm just working away even though there's no loving talk in them).

I hate that she has a boyfriend, even though she says it won't last as he doesn't want to meet the kids and also she's started working full time again so her only spare time is when she has the kids.

Divorce has started now and I will eventually have to move as we are selling the house but can't find anything I like to buy and all the rentals I have found won't take pets and I have the dogs now.

I just can't seem to see a future without her, the whole single dad thing isn't that tough for me but the added stress of divorce, house etc is just becoming too much. I genuinely worry about how I'd be if we didn't have kids as they seem to be the only thing keeping me from sitting in the dark all day every day

To make it all worse, I have no friends I can go out with (have some friends at work but due to our shifts we never have time off at the same time and they don't have kids so can't really do parent meet up type stuff).

Family is 2 hours away so can't see them often, just feel trapped and alone.

The idea of holidays etc as a single parent are terrifying me at the moment

Welly boots, snap! you have said everything I feel. My ex also first left late March and then did it decisively on July 1st!

You hate what she's become but can't stop thinking about her. I'm with you on that. I am utterly amazed by how cruel and selfish by ex is, and I think part of the obsession is just my disgust that he doesn't realize what a terrible person he is.

Put it this way, given that she has no conscience for what she's done, you will never have to wrestle with thoughts of whether you could have made things better /blame yourself.

I've sat in the dark for hours on end too. I really understand this. I've sobbed my heart out.

People tell me it's so hard to see any light now, but it's coming, I promise. I have just realized while writing this that I've laughed several times today and in the last week (I didn't laugh at all for about six weeks!)

I no longer wake up with an intense feeling of dread and I've stopped having nightmares about him. What helps me get over it is really grappling with that realization that he is a seriously selfish person, and that I didn't really know him.

People advised me to do things that I thought were a bit hippy dippy and I am quite cynical and uncomfortable with all that but I persisted and did feel better when I did them.

Gratitude diary
Looking in the mirror and saying affirmations
Making a scrapbook of things you aspire to (I found this really hard as I only really aspired to having my family back again, so I just made a silly book with dream houses in it and pictures of women with fantastic legs as that's my aspiration )
Not sure if you have any kind of faith but my faith was... Intermittently helpful. I am Christian and I avoided the Bible as in my depressed state I interpreted everything very badly, but I prayed a lot and found a bit of comfort there
Alternatively, everyone told me mindfulness was great
I had two counselors, and they helped me think more logically and stop blaming myself for everything

Everyone is here for you, the more I ready the more I see that everyone has gone through it. You seem nice, I wish my ex was like you! There are many people who would cherish your attitude towards a relationship. It can, it must get better than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You are worth more than that, clearly. X

I'm back in a pattern of broken sleep after a few weeks of finally not waking at 2am!

She finally told me her reasons for leaving on Saturday - felt we were just friends, no love anymore, stress of her being higher earner, having the kids and basically looking after them separately because of our jobs anyway.

I told her I would look for another job back in April but she said no as I enjoy it and money isn't everything, the stuff with the kids is surely just part of being a parent and our friendship was one of the things I loved most about our relationship.

It's hard not knowing if I've been left for someone younger, older etc either as just can't wrap my head around what she wants. Says we weren't sexual anymore, I said every time I tried she knocked me back so stopped and left it for her to say when she was ready, just thought it was too soon after ds2 for her but obviously not!

It mostly seems to be sex that she gets from the new guy anyway. It just hurts as I had everything I wanted in life and now I have no clue how to start over

I think counselling might help but I have zero time to go as have the kids 6/7 days as well as working full time

Don't let all those excuses take over and start blaming yourself. I think many people would agree that if there is a new person on the scene within two months, you can pretty much write off all that other stuff as their ways of justifying doing what they want.

What makes me feel better is to look at the posts of people on here who are thinking of leaving their partner... See how for many people who have empathy and a sense of morals they actually struggle with it and do not take it lightly... They try marriage counseling, they talk it through with their partner. They explore alternatives first. They don't just walk when there's children involved and no abusive behavior.

You must not blame yourself or go over reasons why she has said this happened. It is all mere justification for them doing what they want to do rather than what is best for everyone. X

You have the kids full time? Gosh that must be so hard on you x you are doing so well xxx you will get through it I promise x

I think it's so hard as she was my first love as well (we met when we were 15) so never had to deal with breakup before and also have zero confidence about dating (not that I'm planning on it anytime soon)!

I have them all day mon-tues, Wednesday until the event, Thursday eve-Friday evening and then Sunday evening so 6 days total but 4 nights.

I also have two dogs to walk (not easy with two kids) and just no time to myself to house hunt or anything else.

Did housework today whilst kids napped and usually have to cook the next day's dinner when they go to bed at night as can't leave them alone too long.

I'm going to start taking a Saturday off work every 2-3 weeks just to give myself a day of rest as I'm burnt out 24/7!

Oh me too, hate the thought of dating!

You know if you've always been with her it will be worse, like losing a limb. The resounding message I got from everyone since day one was 'you have to find yourself /put yourself first/love yourself' etc.

I scoffed at that and said 'what does that even mean!?' I enjoyed spending time with him, putting myself first was having fun as a family etc '

So finding myself has been many nights of sitting doing nothing, not being interested in anything as there is a big ex shaped hole in my heart. But you will come back and fill that hole eventually... Slowly bit by bit you'll discover things you enjoy.

For me it was the discovery that ex wasn't the only one who could fulfill certain interests. I love football and turns out so do several friends who ive never bothered to talk to about it! And I'm discovering music again, and in a language that I understand and my ex can't

I still haven't cooked myself a hot meal in two months, only for my son! But I know that will come too, as I'm a good cook and I can cook more interesting things now as the ex couldn't stomach anything spicier than white rice!

Please think about simple ways you can take care of yourself. I have to go but good luck for this evening x

It will get better. If everyone is saying it out must be true x

I'm sure it will just can't see it right now.

I've discovered that I really enjoy cooking it's just getting a child distracted window to do it in!

Thanks for talking, hope you have a nice evening

It does get easier and there will come a time when you look back and wonder why you gave him so much head space. I promise. Right now, it is still very early days, so be kind to yourself. Perhaps you could have a chat with your GP and get something to help your anxiety. I am so sorry he has done this to you, but if he feels like this, you are better off without him.

I have been through a divorce and now my DD's partner has just walked out on her and their wee girl. Its shit, and you have my utmost sympathy and an um-mumsnetty hug.

Wellyboots I'm in same boat mines been just over 6 weeks now but my son is 24 but still very hurt and he is with me.you do not recognise the person anymore and although I think of her a lot it's starting to get a little easier. I woke up the other day and she wasn't the first thing on my mind but I did need the loo though.no seriously I feel your pain so much mate and if you want to message me we can chat and be proper miserable together.I have not spoken or seen my wife although she text last night to see how my weekend was.I didn't reply.I know you have to communicate but it really slows the start of the healing process it did for me but this will soon become less traumatic and like mambot said you will notice you have done something which you haven't done since it started.I threw my wife's old shoes out so it's little things.the pain will ease but it takes time .we're all here mate

I'm going through a divorce and even though it is me that wanted it it's the hardest thing I have been through. It's dragged on and on and just been awful.

Sorry butterballs, I'm the one that's having to start the divorce, say we should split etc too. No telling how long she'd of hidden things for if I hadn't and part of me thinks she made me be the one to say it so that I'd have the guilt

Hi mambot just a quick hello to see how you are ok I hope

Hiya Viking, how are you? It's not been a great few days to be honest, would have been getting married this weekend so it's been quite painful, not mention that I have no money atm at all.

My mum dropped my son off on the weekend and the ex spoke to her like dirt on the phone, borrowed our pram but didn't actually say please or thank you (typical), gave it back and just stood back and watched my mum struggle to put it away and lift it into the car as well. I felt so sorry for her when she told me that it just kind of sent me back a notch into hating him again for being such a selfish child... Prior to that was doing really well, moving on and waking up in the morning realizing whole hours had passed where i had forgotten he existed!

Just spoke to a friend who offered a very reasonable view that someone who never asks about their son midweek, or how we are coping is really not someone worth missing. My son had to go to hospital last week after a bad fall playing football, mentioned it in an email and he didn't even respond to it.

There's a saying along the lines of 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them' or something...

It's a bit soon but I've actually agreed to go on a date with someone this week.

How are things your end? X

Wellyboots how are you getting on? X

Ok sweetheart, remember this.... Someone only has the power to hurt you if you care about their opinion, stop caring about their opinion, job done!!

I'm ok thanks for asking.we have emotional set backs but strangely I run a lot and I see all shapes and sizes running and in a way we are in a similar situation. It doesn't matter how fast or slowly you move forward just keep going and you get there in the end. I miss my wife everyday she whatsapped me today I ignored it she then tries on messenger and I ignored it again then 2 minutes later she rang me I just rejected the call.font care what she wanted not interested. Hope your date goes well my sister keeps trying to get me on tinder, I like not answering to anyone do no thanks.you will do better than him mate and then he'll be a bad memory.

Sorry you've had a rough time recently mambot. As Viking said, he's not worth getting upset about! Hope the date goes well just be careful not to rush things.

I'm not too bad thanks, starting to get easier to see her without a wave of love and confusion following, each day feels a bit easier - wouldn't have believed that possible last month. She never asks how my week is going but always wants to talk about her issues at work etc so starting to see how selfish she is which is helping with recovery

How is everyone? Butterballs I think I missed your first post, I've just seen it, how are you?

Viking well done for being able to consistently ignore. It'll all help you move on quicker. I don't know how I feel about tinder but there are some other ones which are ok, I heard someone mention meet-up?

Wellyboots how's your week going? Have you managed to sort out work yet so you can have a break?

My date went well, it was really nice to go out, dress up etc and have a drink. Good conversation and company as well. It only hit me when I came home that I didn't really want to be in that position and how I could never have imagined being in that position again with the dating etc so I took a few steps back last night, started having nightmares again.