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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

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sunflowers4 · 26/01/2018 10:54

@Wintersnow17 yeah same as wellyboots, although I haven't had the counselling as the wait was too long and feel much better I don't feel like I need it! Medication really helped but I wasn't great before all of this happened due to other things but they did really help and was nice to off load to someone and know that if was fine and normal to feel how I was feeling and sometimes we just need a little help to get us through the tough times!

@Wellyboots86 at the moment he doesn't have DS over night at all due to his job - and he's also living with his family who are totally against her so I no right now that there's no chance of him going behind my back! In the future who knows but if I found out he went behind my back against my wishes he knows things would not be as amicable as they are being so upto him how he wants to play it really! X x

WeeWheels72 · 27/01/2018 07:51

Hi....I have wanted to post here for the last couple of months, but to scared! You all seem so lovely, so I'm biting the bullet so to speak. My husband of 15 years, came over for a 5 day visit in Nov (we are a military family...we live in our own home in Ireland, while he works and lives in England), he told me on the first day home, well I got it out of him, that he no longer loved me. I had to have him here for the whole time. He had changed his flight to another airport going home, which I now know, he was meeting someone there overnight. He became a complete stranger, which was so hard to take. I did a lot of snooping around and I know for sure, this woman was the reason he left. Thankfully he kept contact a lot for the kids, we have 3, 2 have special needs, but our youngest he has no time for, never did, because he has a mind of a baby (7) and it always upset me. He was back for Christmas, but after that, I know he has met someone else (not the same OW, and I'm forever on at him, as he hardly contacts the kids and isn't making an effortt to come back to see them. He is now coming over for 4 days next week.....Ive found it hard to 'get over' what is happening as like a lot, I got it into my head he would come back, I'm seeing that its not going to happen now. I feel so stupid.....

Wellyboots86 · 27/01/2018 08:51

weewheels welcome and sorry to hear what's happened. Can't believe his attitude towards the children, I wouldn't care if they had special needs, they are still blood. Maybe it's a military thing/male pride thing that they won't follow in his footsteps?

Unfortunately as you will have read here, the cheater tends to neglect the children for the sake of the ow/m carefree teenager fantasy

WeeWheels72 · 27/01/2018 11:05

Thank you wellyboots, I think with him its always out of sight out of mind, my youngest doesn't deserve the treatment my ex gives him. He is such an angel, its my ex's loss. He is coming over here next week, and for once I'm dreading it, just this morning that's hit me. He stays here, which is worse. We are meant to be having the big talk, I think if he wants to return back to us, but I really think now, I don't want that. I do think he would think we are here, he is there, so he could still see OW without me knowing. He doesn't know that I know about her. I was thinking of hearing him out, not saying anything, just to hear what ideas are running through his head, then telling him I don't want to know. That he can no longer come here to stay, its not going to be like it was......

WeeWheels72 · 27/01/2018 11:05

I wish he was the father you are.....you do your children proud.

Amaz24 · 27/01/2018 13:58

So tonight's the night 6yo is staying at his dads for the first time. At the place where the girl he is seeing is! I'm sure you all know my story by now. Panic, sickness, holding back tears all happening already. He's picking him up between 3-4

Wellyboots86 · 27/01/2018 17:57

amaz hope you’re feeling ok now, it’s always hard when they met the ow/m. I just keep hoping stbxw isn’t lying when she tells me om isn’t seeing my 2

Amaz24 · 27/01/2018 18:21

Even harder I think if it's only been 5 weeks!!! Obviously we meant nothing in the first place. Even after 15 years. That's how it makes me feel!

Wellyboots86 · 27/01/2018 18:39

Easy to feel like that amaz the cheater usually gets stuck in “peter pan” mindset and doesn’t want to be an adult anymore!

Aussiemum78 · 27/01/2018 20:47

Hi
I just stumbled on this in active and I wanted to say it does get better. I'm almost 2 years out. I left with nothing / no money, car or job (he blocked me taking it). He doesn't see my daughter at all. I lost friends.

But it gets better. I've got a great job now, daughter is slowly recovering, we bought a house, we have great friends.

At one stage I was a near nervous wreck. Time helps as does a plan/goals. Hiking helped my anxiety. But time too, I'm better for it now - I'm not living with an angry horrible man anymore.

I still have times where I wonder what he tells his friends about why he doesn't see his daughter, or if he's abusing the new girlfriend yet (probably) but I'm detaching.

It gets better

Amaz24 · 27/01/2018 21:21

@Aussiemum78 that's positive to hear

BackInTheRoom · 27/01/2018 22:41

Moral Disengagement

Just found this on the internet having a Google. It resonates with my situation. What about you guys?

Wintersnow17 · 28/01/2018 00:23

Wellyboots and Sunflowersthanks. I have managed so far and although getting through wonder if ought to see doc for moral support /medsif needed.
weewheels72 sorry you're going through this but glad you found us. Good support on here .sounds like you have a good plan, hear him out then decide what you want.
Aussiemum78* good to hear it gets better . You don't think it will but it does and it is time that is the healer . And the support of good friends and family . XXX to everyone

Wellyboots86 · 28/01/2018 07:44

So this evening will be interesting. Stbxw sent me a message last night saying om is coming over a bit earlier tonight (so he'll be there when the kids are).

It'll be the first time I've seen her and him together and also first time I've seen him interact with the kids.

Can't help think that this is going to become a more common occurrence and she had asked if I wanted her to bring the boys to me instead but I feel like it's best to just confront the situation head on? Get the pain of seeing them together out the way?

newtonml64 · 28/01/2018 09:29

Wellyboots you are very brave and a good man as you always have your kids best interests at heart. I hope it goes as well as it can. I will never knowingly see the b*h even with time I know I will never change my mind.

I’ve been feeling a bit low this weekend. And feel lonely. We would have had our holidays planned by now and Seeing all the holiday ads is making me want the old him back. But I know it will pass, it’s another one of those “first times” that I need to get through. Thanks for listening xx

Amaz24 · 28/01/2018 09:45

First times are so hard. think to yourself it's done now and another first down xx

scotgal2017 · 28/01/2018 17:15

Evening folks, hope everyone is doing okay. I thought the thread had been quiet as I hadn't received any email notifications so was quite surprised at how much I've missed! Grin

Well been pretty quiet and lazy the last few weeks and just dawned on me today that he will be back in the picture on Friday when he collects the kids for a week. I have had no contact with him since 3rd Jan and I have to say it's been fantastic! No arguing, no nagging, no conflict, no disagreements, no name calling, no negatives........it's been bliss!! I've come to realise this last month or so that although it hurts like hell i am soooo much better off without him. Me and the kids have been laughing and joking, it's been great as that hasn't happened for several years, well certainly not to the extend it has done recently. I'm dreading having to see him when he collects kids ugh , like someone said in earlier post I'm having trouble remembering what he looks/sounds like and it suits me just fine!!

Amaz24 · 28/01/2018 17:48

That's great @scotgal2017 glad your getting on and seeing how much better off you are!

Wintersnow17 · 28/01/2018 19:17

Newtonml64 - I know what you mean , the first ones or the anniversaries/birthdays. I try not to think about it too much as I know he won't be. It is starting to get better , more up days than down. But I still don't know how he can live with himself or her for that matter , knowing he was with someone. Wellyboots - that must be so hard.hope it goes ok. I'd rather not see the b*h like Newton says.
Has anyone bumped into their DH and OW by chance? What did you say/ do? I often wonder what I would do. X

Amaz24 · 28/01/2018 19:33

The thought of bumping into them makes me feel sick. Our little one stayed for the first time last night with Dad and OH and all I've heard is how great she is and what a good time he had. He thinks they're just friends at min. I'm pleased he enjoyed himself but inside it makes me feel sick and really sad. Wish it hadn't have been so easy for the OH tbh.

scotgal2017 · 28/01/2018 19:45

@Amaz24 how awful, I think I would feel the same Flowers

Gossipqueen14 · 30/01/2018 12:12

Hi I'm
New here...two weeks ago H told me he didn't know if he loved me then back tracked a few days later but I still felt something was off

After looking at his phone found he cheated on me two years ago on a stag 'just a kiss' ten met this girl for a date when he got back didn't meet up again but kept sporadic contact through social media. It is killing me. Me and dc are staying with family, I don't want to stay in the house too many memories.

He was horrible yday then rangbthis morning and we had a civil chat I know he doesn't want me and I wouldn't trust him again anyway but it hurts so bad I want to scream.

WeeWheels72 · 31/01/2018 06:53

Big hugs Gossipqueen, I'm almost at the 12 week mark, and it still hurts like hell.

He will arrive here on Saturday morning, and I'm dreading it. I did the bad thing yesterday, and asked about him coming back, I know I shouldn't of done it, and he got mad again. I know he has someone else now, though he wont admit it. How can they change so quickly?

Wintersnow17 · 31/01/2018 08:30

Hi gossip queen , it does start to get better but it is crap and it hurts, like being punched in the gut and mental torture. Slowly you get better, but there will he ups and downs.
Weewheels- don't feel bad - we've all been there. After all you didn't want this. I wish there was an easy way. I'm a coupl if months further on and recently thought I was doing well then suddenly this morning, whoosh, that punching in the gut feeling and head in torment . But it's to be expected I suppose as part of the grieving process. Friends who've been through the death of a parent say it sounds similar to what they've been through. I think for me it's ok when I'm keeping busy then in a quiet moment , that dawning realisation (again) that this is it, and thinking that he's with her .
Try to stay strong and keep talking xxx

Gossipqueen14 · 31/01/2018 14:50

I don't want him back I would never trust him again. But I want him to want me as stupid as it sounds. I started my individual counselling yesterday I really hope it helps. I have told family and friends the truth I'm
Keeping now secrets for him today is a bad day

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