Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

Hi User, I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you. It must feel so painful to have gotten through the affair and then for him to go.
I've spent the weekend with my H (who's still here, 'making his mind up') and two dg, for their sake making out like as is welI. I thought H and I were getting on well all weekend, but this afternoon / evening he's become really cold and distant. I think I'm hoping for the impossible, reading into positive signs that aren't there, over-analysing everything he says, so have taken myself off to bed to try and shut everything out. Not that I'm sleeping well but there's nothing like your own bed is there?

Hi user, hope you're doing OK. Just wanted to touch on what you said about feeling like you must be a horrendous person if he can do this to you with no remorse. I've felt that, still feel it on occasion but nowhere near the extent I did. Just change word 'you' must be horrendous to 'he'. And remember he did it to your kids too, he knows that his decision means seeing less of them, and it's much easier to objectively see that they are not horrendous and deserving of this pain than it is to see that of ourselves sometimes.

Springlady what you're going through is a special kind of torture, I'm so sorry.

If I could turn back time I'd get in there and tell my ex to bugger off before he could abandon us, at least then I'd have salvaged some power in all this. I'm not saying you should do that it's just bringing back memories. Think of it as your decision to make rather than his xxx

Thanks all. And sorry you are all feeling pretty bloody too.

I am scared to think how horrendous he is as I've spent so much of my life with him without knowing it. He has admitted he is putting his own happiness before that of his children "I'm selfish".

How can I have married someone like that and have him s the father of my children? I feel so deceived and such a fool.

Hi Mambot, if we end up separating then I'm sure I will think exactly the same thing about asking him to go now. I suppose we all cling on to the hope that by not telling them to go it'll work out and we'll stay together and only when we've been through it can you see clearly.
I dragged myself out of bed this morning, getting children for school before I go to work. All I want to do is drag myself back in to bed but I know I've got to keep I going. Talking helps, thank you for listening xx

Unfortunately, as I have personally found out, if you stick around to try and make it work then they just see it as acceptance of what they've done and it escalates as they feel they can get away with anything they want.

Much better to make a clean break now in my opinion, it's really hard to start with as they seem to be perfectly happy whilst you are in pieces but that just shows that they've already checked out of the marriage so aren't worth sticking around for!

Wellyboots, you're so right! I find it so difficult when he's bright and breezy, and the dcs and I are devastated.

What annoys me is that she still expects me to care about each and every thing that happens in both our lives. For example, she's been moaning about having a toothache the last couple of days, I just thought - and? Your problem not mine!

She'll moan about work etc too as if we were still together and I just feel like she's trying to still have the same relationship with me without being with me! Never asks about my day however....

Wellyboots you are so right in that they appear to be perfectly happy with their new life and in my case the other woman.. yet I am left thinking about him.. her all the time.. I know he is a selfish, cold hearted man who has changed overnight.. I have just got back from a weekend with my true friends and although it was lovely to see them I felt so lonely .. wishing he was with me.. Hearing you are all going through similar feelings makes it more bearable..

I'm with you tonight Newtonml I know my ex is with someone else and I just can't help but feel so awful.

My faith is not helping at the moment as it's big on forgiveness and I just cannot forgive him for this.

I am so bitter, I'm bitter also that despite what a cruel thing he's done the onus is on me to forgive him.

Mambot, I'm not religious but I know what you mean about the forgiveness burden. I compromised by telling myself that, although I can't forgive what she did (or forget), I can at least try not to carry the anger and pain around like an anchor the entire time as the only one it hurts is me as she clearly doesn't care what anyone thinks about her

I will never forgive mine as he's hurt my children.

I don't mean I'm going to be bitter forever, but I I can't forgive his behaviour (long story).

Really bad night tonight. I need some karma stories...

I know what you mean user, I have my kids 6 days a week and although I won't ever bad mouth my wife in front of my boys I will be honest with them if they ever ask me questions about what happened. She lived under the same roof as me and whilst i was in the bath etc she was taking naked photos to send to a variety of people! At least now she's out of the house I don't have her disgraceful behaviour going on in the same house as my kids

Not sure I can help with karma mambot but she is hating her job, her house is a tip and her family are all on my side not hers so she's definitely beginning to reap what she's sown!

Wellyboots I'm so sorry for you, that is horrendous. It's good that you have this support in reasoning that she's done something awful.

The worst thing for me is that his family are right behind him, he's turned friends against me and done it by making himself out to be a victim of I'm not sure what. I wish anyone could see him for what he is, but they don't. I've had a gutsful of it tonight.

That's horrible mambot. Hopefully they'll all wake up soon and see him for what he really is!

Apologies everyone but just need to vent a bit! My stbxw is really irritating me at the moment. From when I picked the kids up on Sunday until when she picked them up last night I have heard zero from her, not even a text to ask how boys are.

Then when she shows up to pick them up (15 mins late) all she wants to talk about is how she's got an interview today for a franchise she's thinking of buying, when's the house going on the market etc etc.

Told her that unless she pays the estate agent fees it won't be anytime soon as I can't afford it and she moaned that I managed to find the money for divorce so why can't I find this? Told her I'm not moving until I find the right place for me and boys and she said if she does start this business then we can take them out of childcare as she won't work on the one day a week they are there now.

I'm not happy about this as feel like she's trying to angle things so that she can take my child benefits away, knowing how much I'll struggle to pay the bills if I were to lose that.

Grr!

Hiya wellyboots, sorry to hear that. She sounds like the world completely revolves around her. It must be really hard for you.

What is wrong with people that they can bugger off like that and expect the people they've left to be ok with it.

Shes probably not angling to get any money taken from you, and just hasn't given it proper thought.

Huge hugs, have got you the evening to yourself tonight then?

Hey mambot, nope boys are with me until tomorrow night.

It's tough knowing that she's still seeing someone else whilst she's still acting normally towards me as feels like she's enjoying having two separate relationships - she's not going to burden him with all her money woes etc I'm sure!

She definitely only thinks about herself

Wellyboots86 I can relate to what you're saying. Tonight has been a particularly hard night for me too.. feels like I take 1 step forward and 20 back!! My husband is still publicly declaring and showing his "love" for his bh on Facebook which is where he started flirting with her. Earlier today I had to message him as I found he had paid for something out of my bank account by mistake. We sorted that and he paid me back but I took the opportunity to ask him to ring me as I wanted to speak to him. I wanted to tell him the affect his public flirtation on Facebook was having on me and the kids and for this to stop and delete his account. He said he was too busy to ring and he would ring later. He didn't so I rang him only for him to say he was in a hotel with the bh and wasn't ready to talk!!! I errupted into a barrage of abuse which I greatly regret, he was cold, hard and calculated in how he spoke to me , I feel degraded and like a piece of s**t on his shoe. I'm not sure what I expected to be honest .. may be some respect and understanding of the heartache he has caused to me and the kids but there's nothing but a clever attitude!! I feel so much hatred towards them both it is eating me up!!

Oh newton that's awful! Mine hasn't acknowledged her new relationship to anyone yet, I suspect because she's afraid of the judgement she'll get from her family as I've told them everything!

I can't stand the thought that she's with someone else but the fact that she hasn't told anyone makes me think she knows what she's done is shameful and I'm happy to let that guilt eat away at her

Hi. I have been lurking for a while. Found this very helpful so far - just sharing my story too.

Found out that my DH of 20 years had been having an affair with someone at work for 6 months. He left, came back, we agreed to go to counselling then he changed his mind at the last minute and we separated. He's been gone 3 weeks. We have 2 beautiful DDs and I am finding it hard to accept that the most loving man in the world has changed so much. He is v cold, completely self obsessed and flies off the handle if I act upset, hurt or angry. Eldest DD knows about the affair (she overheard one of our fights) and won't speak to him at all. Youngest DD is none the wiser but struggling to adapt to only seeing her dad 2 a week.

I feel weak and hurt and lost but I just don't recognise the man I love(d) anymore.

Hoping to feel stronger soon - sending love to everyone else on this thread. It has really got me through some tough moments x

Hiya Newleaf, welcome to a really crap club where the benefits don't become apparent for a while! ❤ think of it like taking a job you didn't want to have to take with a probation period. In about six months some of the benefits might surface, but for now you have to do the slog for nothing.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. The way they go from being really loving to suddenly horrible is a common thing I think. My ex also became really hostile and aggressive if I so much as mentioned the effect it might have on others.

I think this is because they know deep down they are doing something really selfish and catastrophic and they can't deal with it so they lash out. In their head you are this person who is suffocating them or controlling them because you don't want them to leave. But that suffocating comes from their own head as they project their own guilt onto you. Does that make sense? It's their own sense of morals, the good part of them they don't want to listen to that's telling them what they are doing is wrong. They don't want to listen to it.

It's like the excuses I make not to go to the gym.

Have you got family and friends around you? Xxx

Mambot you are spot! NewLeaf74 unfortunately that's the trait they show and it's so hard to understand and deal with. I saw the man I love(d) turn overnight into a selfish, cowardly, hard hearted man but he says he hasn't changed!! I'm into my 7th week now and some days I wake up and have slept a little more, eaten and him and the OW are not the first things on my mind, but other days it's a different story and I'm back to rock bottom. It is like an emotional rollercoaster but take the strength and support from those closest to you.. trust me you will need them.