Support for those starting the divorce process

(692 Posts)
hermione2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 09:29:58

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

isthismylifenow Mon 26-Sep-16 09:33:42

Me. Seperated for 9 months now, and last week he just came out the blue and said that he is starting divorce proceedings. We work together and this was in his office whilst discussing a work thing!

I haven't done anything from my side yet. It took a few days to sink in really, but to date haven't shed a tear about it.

Two teenagers, married 20 years.

JaffaCakesMum Mon 26-Sep-16 13:54:31

Yep, me too. In actual fact it would be our 24th wedding anniversary today! After many years of emotional abuse I finally managed to call it a day about three months ago. We are still in the house together with our 2 DD's (17 & 15). He is waiting for his pension valuations. They said it could take up to six weeks. He has had one but they didn't give him the correct information so I guess I'll be waiting another six weeks!!! He is very verbally aggressive towards me when he speaks but most days we don't say a single word to each other which is equally difficult. The bottom line for me is that he will do what he wants when he wants and he more or less put that in a letter to my solicitor. At the moment I don't want to push things too much as I don't really want to spend thousands on my solicitor if I can help it. Realistically I still see us being in the house until at least Christmas after that we will either sell the house or he might even let me keep the house...not!

I have good days and bad days but I do believe the future will be better, I just need to be patient.

Blondeandinept Mon 26-Sep-16 14:52:59

Me.
Married 6 years, two young children

Will be back later as off for school run

But I am so anxious. Pretty sure I'm doing the right thing though

Forme2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 15:35:59

Me too. H left in May after admitting an emotional affair with a colleague. Together for 24 yrs, married 17. DS 13 and DD 10. Complete shock.

Nearly 5 months on I have instigated divorce proeedings and received my copy of the petition last friday. The last five months have been really difficult (understatement) but I feel like I am taking some control of the situation by starting the divorce. I've gone for unreasonable behaviour rather than adultery - yes, the emotional affair has since become full on OW relationship - not really sure why tbh. STBXH hasn't yet seen a solicitor as "he doesn't want to be divorced from me" but should receive a letter from mine any day now which should hopefully get him to get his arse into gear.

Thank you for starting this thread hermione - I certainly appreciate the support and can hopefully offer some along the way

CaptainM Mon 26-Sep-16 16:25:02

Me! Me! Me! Separated 2 months but living in the same house as he's refused to move out. Two DDs - 4 & 6. Severe EA and financial abuse. Now, using the children as pawn which is heartbreaking!

Tried mediation but he could not get past his own needs to look at what's in the best interest of the children.

I'm most certainly living a nightmare, but relieved that sooner or later, he will be out of my way and only interaction would have to do with the children.

100% certain I'm doing the right thing but anxious about going through this process by a clear narcissist. He's filed for the divorce (only a couple of weeks ago) to stop me from being the one that does it (by hiding our marriage certificate when I asked for it, then filing first). We're still in very early stages and no doubt it'll be a loooong, rocky ride shock

user1474193901 Mon 26-Sep-16 18:03:52

Me too.
20 years together. 10 years married. Left 10 months ago with 2 DC.
Years of emotional abuse from manipulative STBEXH who the outside world sees as an absolute charmer. Found out about EA in April last year, left in November. Still finding out stuff now about him with other women etc. Nothing I hear about him now surprises me, sadly. I was 'gaslighted' by him the last few years and doubted my own mind... I can't believe I've been controlled by him for so long - I must admit it makes me feel rather stupid.

I am worried about the financial cost of the divorce, court and solicitor bills, but whatever it is will be worth every penny to be a free person who feels they have value.

CherryBlossomPink Mon 26-Sep-16 18:33:18

Me too - 2 months seperated, thought I was getting stronger, but having a really bad day today and missing what we used to have. I don't want to stay married to the man he is at the moment, but I'm really missing and grieving for the man he was when I married him 11 years ago.

hermione2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 18:42:35

So many of us! It seems having to live together is reasonable common.
I've had a few bad days as H was away and so started to feel anxious on his return.

My challenge is to stop trying to figure him out but in my heart I'm hoping for the silver bullet that may change him.My head does know differentely as I kept a diary and realised how long he's been awful to me.

Just going to a yoga class which I hope will keep me sane but back later to see how everyone is doing.

user1474193901 Mon 26-Sep-16 18:43:49

Hi cherryblossom
I know how you feel. I had quite a few horrendous month when I first left missing the man id fell in love with then married. But I came to realise he was no longer that person. But I do not miss the man he is now. It's a grieving process with just as many emotions. flowers

user1474193901 Mon 26-Sep-16 18:45:55

Hi cherryblossom
I know how you feel. I had quite a few horrendous months when I first left the family home missing the man i had fell in love with then later married. But I came to realise he was no longer that person. But I do not miss the man he is now. And I certainly lot don't miss being made to feel worthless and unloved. Recovery is a grieving process, with just as many emotions. flowers

Nearlyhadenough Mon 26-Sep-16 21:55:04

Another one here!

It will be our 24th wedding anniversary next month, we have 2 DC - 24 and 21. It's been 20 years of what I now know as emotional abuse, gaslighting and many, many lies.

I should have left years ago, but, rightly or wrongly, decided to wait for the DC to leave home. H knows that I want to divorce - he doesn't..... says he will do anything to keep us together. This has consisted of him doing absolutely nothing! Words are easy, but there have been no actions.

We are still in the same house but are barely civil to each other. My solicitor is waiting for me to give my instructions. I need to get things moving - but there never seems a right time. In the meantime I am sorting the house out getting it ready to sell.

rememberthetime Mon 26-Sep-16 22:15:11

So many of us leaving emotionally abusive relationships. Me too. Just a few weeks separated and I move out next week. Two teenage children. We are each taking one child but committing to spending time togee her as a family. Not sure how that will work out.
Right now we are civil but cold. He is refusing to give me moNey for our belongings so I am buying everything on ebay. Totally stressed out with moving and furnishing an entire house in no money. But get a tingle of excitement about being completely in charge of my own life for the first time in 18 years every time I allow myself to think about it.

hermione2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 22:21:06

I'm so sorry there are so many of us.I also have a friend going through it.Its heartbreaking as her children are so distressed.Thankfully my D's doesn't know yet but I dread telling him.

How has others found telling children?
How are you coping day to day?

I saw many solicitors as we've been struggling for a couple of years.I finally saw a solicitor a few weeks ago and I felt comfortable immediately with her approach.I think divorce is one of those situations where you need to feel someone is on your side.

I've had days of anxiety and work is in some ways a blessing.I'm emotional and crying however, don't know if it's 'normal' as worried about slipping into depression.

Isthis, must be so difficult to work together as escaping from him is my only release.

Captain, my ex absolutely the same, desperate that his image is protected so has to file.

Jaffa, I'm sorry as anniversaries can be tough.

Nearly & Forne, 24 years is a life time but you will have many other years.

Blonde, I hope you are ok, anxiety is awful.I'm trying to practice yoga breathing and focusing on the here and now.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 27-Sep-16 17:02:05

Me please. Separated for months but living together. Finding it so difficult. Seeing a solicitor on Friday but not sure what to expect. Thought of just doing legal separation for now. He won't move out. It's soul destroying.

CherryBlossomPink Tue 27-Sep-16 17:28:45

Hotwaterbottle - I know how you feel, mine won't move out either and won't contribute a penny to the bills. I've taken matters into my own hands and am sorting a rental property so I can move out - then I'll stop paying the bills and he can do what he likes! I've spoken to an estate agent, house goes up for sale next week, I've sent home details of the appointment and suggested he is present but I doubt he will.

MillyMoo1113 Tue 27-Sep-16 17:32:36

Me too. 8 years after his first affair(there may be more), I've had enough of guilt trips, controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. He agrees we need to separate, it's over a month since we decided, I've seen a solicitor, our first joint mediation session is next week, and I'm not looking forward to it even tho the mediator seems lovely.

Married 16 years, DS is 14, DD IS 12

MillyMoo1113 Tue 27-Sep-16 17:32:46

Me too. 8 years after his first affair(there may be more), I've had enough of guilt trips, controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. He agrees we need to separate, it's over a month since we decided, I've seen a solicitor, our first joint mediation session is next week, and I'm not looking forward to it even tho the mediator seems lovely.

Married 16 years, DS is 14, DD IS 12

MillyMoo1113 Tue 27-Sep-16 17:34:10

And he won't move out til the financial mediation is agreed so I feel no better than I did a month ago. I still have to see him every day and feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

user1474193901 Tue 27-Sep-16 17:54:35

Hi MillyMoo
There's always mediation in separate rooms. I did one joint one and that was enough for me. I was an emotionally in bits after. It was horrible. The second one was separate, which was far less stressful. I was able to keep the conversation on topic, without him purposely upsetting me. He didn't like it one bit as it meant he'd lost control over me.
I guess it may be different for you, as you are still having to see each other.

Whyiseverynameinuse Tue 27-Sep-16 18:01:16

Me toosad. I'm even more sad that there are so many abusive, nasty men out there posing as loving husbands.

Abusive H (not physical but everything else), married 15 years. I'm getting support from Refuge and have involved other agencies as my ds's are showing signs of trauma. And I haven't even tackled him about it all yet. But it will happen as soon as I've got this lined up.

Has anyone used non-molestation or occupation orders? I can't afford to pay solicitor so I'm going to do it myself. God knows how I'll afford the divorce.

Thanks for starting the thread OP.

MillyMoo1113 Tue 27-Sep-16 19:04:48

Am going to see how next weeks mediation goes and then decide what to do. When we had counselling after the affair he would be horrible to me in car on way home after. It's the aftermath of the mediation I'm not looking forward to in case he does similar after the session. Especially as we have to go to DS high school that evening!

Whyiseverynameinuse Tue 27-Sep-16 20:26:02

MillyMoo - I was advised against mediation by my solicitor and against couples counselling by the WA counsellor. When you're dealing with an emotionally abusive person it's like Christmas come early for them😠.

I dread being in the situation of the poor woman on another thread whose husband refused to leave and carried on his abuse all through the divorce process. Awful awful behaviour. Have you thought of a court order? If he won't behave that might be an option..

CaptainM Tue 27-Sep-16 20:53:07

Interesting to see that I'm not the only one with STBXH who refuses to move, or to contribute to any bills. It's a struggle to keep sane and not react to his games. Ignoring him has become increasingly frustrating for him, so he's now using the kids, threatening to take them away for overnight visits, playing 'daddy of the year' in the presence of anyone that would notice him - school grounds, after school clubs etc. He's hovering over us as much as possible - at home, during school runs etc....all in a bid to establish a 50/50 parenting status quo and avoid having to ever pay maintenance. Pretty easy for him as doesn't work whereas some of us have to carry on working to keep a roof over our heads and pick up the additional bills including childcare costs which he's now refusing to contribute to. Rant over. Phew! I need a glass of wine now wink

CaptainM Tue 27-Sep-16 20:56:34

We tried meditation but there was no willingness on his part, to compromise before, during or after, unfortunately. I still think it's worth a try as our legal costs are spiraling out of control. It just didn't work for usconfused

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