Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Well he's seen a solicitor but won't appoint one claiming they suggested mediation. The mediator has emailed a form this evening and we have to fill one in each and you have to state your worries or concerns so I'll make sure she's aware, and my solicitor has recommended this mediator but said I can pull out at any time so I'm going to try it and see what happens

We didn't have to do joint mediation due to EA.,

6 months into separation. Expect to move out of family home next Friday. Really difficult period however on Sunday had a 'say it like it is' conversation (massive argument) which really cleared the air. The separation now feels very positive and we can move on and continue to provide stability for children 17 and 15. It's difficult for them but thankfully, I don't feel that we're adding to that unnecessarily. In fact feel H and I have been able to reclaim the love we've had.

The future feels really positive and filled with possibility. I needed this time of letting go and grieving for a relationship that had come to its conclusion. I feel stronger and more secure in myself.

Hello, can I join in? I'm not at divorce stage yet, we split up 4 weeks ago when he confessed to having an affair. It's been carnage since then. He's being an absolute shit to me, blaming me for everything. He owes me money which I have found out I have no claim to legally in the divorce proceedings as it was part of "joint" expenditure ie deposit on house and paying off his credit cards/loan. And today he got done for drink driving so will probably lose his licence, and probably therefore his job because he needs to drive for work. So fucked financially. I am really struggling to cope emotionally.

2 years separated, left to sell marital home alone with my DS now 15. I have my own home now but just got divorce petition and he has cited unreasonable behaviour and has implied I had an affair which is untrue! I can't sign it! It would be like I'm admitting to something he has made up and what if my DS found it and read it. Bloody disgusting and totally revengeful. I'm on meds and counselling, head all over the place as I've no job and reliant on him but he withdrew my money this month because I said I couldnt sit in the same room with a man and be cordial knowing what he cited.

Anyone know if he can withdraw that statement? I'm in a state as it says return within 7 working days to accept else there is further costs!! Stressful as I don't know what to do other than go to solicitor, although I think he will become more spiteful if I do! Btw he won't talk right now as he is off abroad with his Gf! 🙄 Seriously!!!

Hermione, it was the worst bit, the explaining to my then ds13. I basically said it was all sad but he wasn't to worry and after we have settled we need to think of it as an adventure!! I had the rose tints on!! Believe me horror story and no adventure. He is mature for his age so as far as I know he has been going with the flow. We all won't know til they are older I guess😬

FV45 It was your thread I was thinking of when I talked of my dread of H not leaving the home. I will not go for an ex-parte order because I was advised against it - the need to prove harm and risk in an ex parte order is higher than my situation warrants at the moment IYSWIM.

However, I am well supported by my GP, WA and police and there is evidence of trauma in my ch so I think I have good chance of success getting a 'with notice' order. I'm hoping it won't come to that but I really don't know how he'll react when it all comes out in the open.

OP I am also v worried about how my ch will react, esp if my h is hostile to leaving, which he probably will be. Have you got close friends/family support?

Jaffa you sound very calm and strong. Have you told your dds? Do you have support for the EA?

Remember have you had legal advice on moving out? Is it worth photographing everything you value but can't take, before you leave? Seems really harsh to have to give up any claim to stuff you might love.

Sorry, lots of questions but also hugs and best wishes to everyone. It's a horrible stage in our lives but we will get through it 💐

The strange thing is that I am happy to leave it all - fresh start and all that. I just want compensation for it.
I really can't afford legal advice, but as far as finances are concerned he is being reasonable.
I have managed to get him to agree to pay a contribution towards furnishing the kids rooms - but I have to detail the amounts exactly. I am taking the opportunity to get a decent bed and mattress for my daughter as he may never agree in the future.
This time next week I will be waiting for my removal van to arrive and getting ready to move.
Just not sure how to pay for it! I have asked family for a loan, which they are happy to do. At this stage it is my only way forward.
the financial side of moving out is very harsh - but it is quicker and cleaner and i believe that for men who will refuse to leave, it is easier on you emotionally and better for the children to walk away.Living under the same roof is excruciating.
As long as you get an agreement in place about the house, what equity he owes you and when to sell - it can be doable. For me, it feels like the best approach.

Small step forward for me...
Had a call from my solicitor late yesterday and STBXH has signed the 'notice of acknowledgement' which apparently means he is not contesting the divorce petition. I am divorcing on the grounds of adultery (against my solicitors advice BTW as she thought unreasonable behaviour was the safest option in case he contested adultery). But I wanted it as adultery as I wanted him to admit it on paper - silly I know but a huge emotional victory for me... He had agreed in writing that he would not contest it prior to the petition being sent (as a safe guard) but that was no guarantee as he's a perpetual liar. I've been emotionally abused for years and to me this is HUGE.
A step closer to complete freedom.

whyis there was no way I could face a with notice order. Not with him still in the house. What would we do, share a lift to court or something!??

I withdrew from the hearing as soon as it was not granted. I don't think my sol realised that I actually would withdraw - she did say it would probably have been granted with notice.

I get a lot of my strength from mumsnet knowing that I am not the only one going through this and also knowing that I will get through this - we all will.

My DD's have always know that our relationship has been up and down and they have often been the brunt of his verbal aggression so our marriage finally coming to an end wasn't a surprise to them. I do worry about dd2 who is 15 as she is the peacekeeper and refuses to talk about it to either of us and of course the longer we stay in the same house not speaking to each other she might think everything is going to be ok - it's not.

I feel strong at the moment as my imagination has me living in a different house, decorating it as I please and you should see what I'm going to do to Brad Pitt! However, I know that this could change at any time and I could end up a wreck again. I'm sure everyone else knows about the ups and downs. I have no family anywhere near me - we moved here so he could be near his family. My bestie lives at the other end of the country but is always at the end of the phone. I have a few good friends locally who are really supportive. I have also put up with so much shit from him in the past that I have done self help things like mindfulness, even just going out for a walk and I've also researched the internet when he has told me that he would make sure I got nothing and that he would take the kids off me - I believed these things at the time but they are just BS.

My solicitor told me that she could have him removed from the house due to the way he has treated oldest DD but it is an extreme and expensive thing to do. DD now stays with her boyfriend 6 out of 7 days a week. My youngest has just started a wee job three evenings a week and often stays over with her friends so I do feel a bit lonely at times. I am keeping myself busy by doing some decorating in the house. My bestie is also coming to stay next month so I have something to look forward to. I can't really think beyond that.

Because of the EA my solicitor doesn't think that mediation is an option. He has and still does spend a lot of his time telling me I need to see a doctor to get mentally assessed - he thinks I'm a lunatic. In the past I have had two minor episodes of depression. I have a line which if I fall below I will go to the doctor and get anti-depressants. In the last while I have nearly been there but I have managed to keep sight of a better future and pick myself up again. My H would like nothing better than to break me which would prove he was right all along, ie. I'm a nutter. He is not going to get his way.

All of us will get through this, it might not be today or tomorrow but it will happen.

I understand user147 - I'm looking forward to that feeling. Can you get anyone to check over the agreement? From reading threads on MN it seems many stbxh's go back on agreements.

FV45 please don't think I was criticising you at all. I completely understand why you withdrew and in your situation I suspect I would have done the same. I think you're right though - you were badly advised. Your stbx is a really nasty piece of work though so who knows if he would have complied anyway. You have done so well to get this far with that level of abuse on a daily basis and I truly hope your ordeal is over soon

This is really hard isn't it. I feel in limbo and can't stand it. Falling apart today.

How did any of you that are living apart decide what was the best thing to do financially? I have no idea what to do. Either I stay in house & he rents or other way round or we sell up.

Hot water b do you have kids? If so I would stay in the home and let him worry where to go. Getting a divorce is the easy bit, the cost is in the fight on finance. Go get hour free with a solicitor and ask what is the min you may be entitled to and you build a frame work on that. If you have no kids it's normal to split assets 50/50 and walk away. Kids you need to be able t live and support them. So an R50 form with an explanation sheet is a good place to start. You can get and print off the Gov.uk website. List all your assets and your living expenses. With kids, if you are not working or have a v low income you can get child tax credits and obvs child benefit. Anyway a lot to do and not easy 😟😟

Thanks Xmas. My kids are 15 & 12. I have a decent job but only work 24 hours, hoping this is going up by end of the year. I'm seeing a solicitor on Friday. Will get that form printed tomorrow. I just thought if I rented I'd get housing benefit whilst he won't? It would be less for me to pay than my mortgage.

Xmas, just seen you post.As I understand it if it's under 2 years then unreasonable behaviour is the only route for divorce.There is no fault route.

A couple can agree the petition so you shouldn't have to agree, if it feels too harsh.Also you can deny the allegations but let the divorce go through.

I would suggest you get legal advice just so you feel ok about the process.

I am awaiting the petition from my stbxh and dreading it. He said he would create hell if I filed so I decided to let him go ahead.

It's such a rollercoaster, some days I feel it's the right decision and others days (like today) I debate if I could have handled things differently.

Got to remind myself that I did try to have reasonable conversations and he just wouldn't discuss without hostility and aggression.

Thank you whyis. I wasn't sure how much of my situation you were aware of.

So much for me saying I was doing well. Just had email from STBEXH saying he will only agree to a financial settlement of its a Mesher order... He doesn't want a clean break!? He's been a mentally abusive and controlling for years and even though we split 11 months ago and are divorcing, he still wants total control over me. He says it the Meshers order or nothing. He intends to go to court to get one in place. I left the marital Home... Can he force a Mesher order on my next home? I don't want him having this control over me anymore. I thought he'd want to stay away from court as his financial pack is complete fabrication on the account of his cash dealings and hidden money, but maybe I was wrong.
I'm really worried now that me and the boys won't be free of his financial hold. I don't want to have to sell a home i buy for me and the boys, in 6 years time to give him a chunk back. I will be 53 then, and still being told what to do. I can't even live with anyone, if I did meet someone new, as he could force the sale early.
Can he really do this on a home that's not the matrimonial home? Help?

User see this

www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2009/03/13/mesher-order-martin-order/

I think The mesher applies to the home in marriage. Presumably it needs to be sold for you to purchase. It's normally used for parent carer of children to enable them to stay in the home if finances are not good or there is not enough equity to buy.

I left the marital home with our two children last Nov. The house was a renovation project, so if I stayed there then the STBEXH would not finish the work needed to sell the property. I would have been left in a partially completed house with no way of finishing the work. So, myself and the boys rented whilst he supposedly finished it quick for a sale. It has been nearly a year and it's still not done and now he's threatening not to finish it unless I give in to his demand. I'm paying a fortune in rent whilst he pays considerably less for the mortgage. I also believe that I may be liable for capital gains IF/WHEN it's sold. Even though any money's will be to put toward purchasing a home for me and the boys.

That sounds very harsh user1474 - incredibly unfair.

My situation is a bit different from most of you on this thread but similar emotionally, financially etc. Some months on from finding out he had been having an affair - he left immediately of his own volition and now lives abroad. This sounds like a clean break but it has been totally devastating as he has hardly been back since (even to see his ds) - I would have wanted the chance to save our marriage and family but was given no opportunity for any kind of discussion. He had clearly been detaching himself for a long time but managed to hide this, having seemingly no interest in trying to save things but only wanting to 'move on'. His treatment of his ds (as well as me) has been disturbing really. He wants to divorce but I don't - I have an awful feeling he will want to get married again and I want to protect ds (and myself) from this for as long as I can. 18 years married and no suggestion that anything was wrong previously. I have now found out what a good liar he can be and as a previous poster has said, I feel like it has destroyed my past as well as my future.

I have seen a solicitor about sorting out finances before a divorce which I think can be done except for pensions I believe. I would welcome any advice about that .. ie should I just rip off the plaster and proceed with divorce and get it over with....

shocking to read so many familiar stories on here .. staggering that there's so many immature men out there with no sense of honour, respect or responsibility towards their own family. Aggrandised sense of self-entitlement.. nature or nurture? or is that another thread...

its the first time i have heard of capital gains tax when the family home is sold...I honestly had never thought of that.

In my case my ex is planning on taking over the current mortgage so the house is in his name, but i will have a charge over it, so that when he comes to sell (which is agreed to be in two years time - as it needs work) i will get 50% of the equity.

if he fails to get the mortgage i will have to think again...if this CGT issue is something I need to worry about.

User, cap gains is normally on buy to let properties I thought. He will be. Forced by the courts to sel it but you really need valuations to see where the value is in its current state. All complicated and dirty play. The courts see through it and his dirty play will not be thought of very highly by a judge.

Well I'm still ignoring my divorce papers, suffering with anxiety I don't often get out unless I have somebody with me. 😫 I can't make appointment to see a solicitor or visit the court to deliver papers as I go into an episode just typing this, let alone crossing the threshold. My split has left me in a town where I have nobody to call upon apart from relative strangers to assist. The anxiety attacks are a whole other story and have made all this so much worse as doing the financial r50 has taken me best part of three weeks and it's still not finalised. I never touched our finances for over 16 years so not a scooby. Neither am I in touch with technology. All so frustrating and makes me feel v foolish and incapable, which is not good for the anxiety too. Any way must go clear weeds with my shattered back!!!! Bfn