Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

Black eyed, you must be in shock at the speed and change if your marriage.

I don't think you can protect your son by not divorcing, it will happen and often getting the ending finalised enables you the start again.

Your questions about men is also something I am pondering.I think the shift in womens expectations for equal relationships are not yet embedded in many men. There is an entitlement attitude coupled with low emotional intelligence that causes relationships to fail.My mother's generation put up with behaviour that I would not tolerate.I think that's a good thing in the long term but painful now.

Just wondered if anyone here

I'm here. After a good week and a half of feeling good I've had verbals from him yesterday and today. I've been called a c**t and an arsehole. Although that is not pleasant I can deal with the name calling. It's the lies and the twisting and turning I have trouble with. I wish I had my mobile phone glued to me so I could record what he says. I think even he would be surprised at himself. I'm planning to put the last couple of days behind me and tomorrow is another day (and he'll be at work).

Oh Jaffa, that's awful.What is up with these men?

I don't get name calling but instead I get the hateful tone, sarcasm, contempt and excluding me from conversations with children.

Work for me somewhat of a blessing.I can work flexible but go there the office when I need distraction.My colleagues are pleasant to me and it feels relaxing.

Chin up and keep feeling positive (the rants do confirm you are doing the right thing)

Hi,
I am in a similar boat. A bit of background... Together 10 years, married 8. Have 2 young DC 2&5. Decision to split was made last Christmas following EA and alcohol issues (he is a functioning alcoholic, which I was unaware of until I found the empties)
His temper (verbally) was awful leading up to Xmas as everything had gradually deteriorated following a work promotion for him & he doesn't deal well with stress. We had nearly split last summer, but he begged for another chance in order to get help and then refused to get help, saying he would when he was ready...
We lived together until May as also own a buy to let. It was awful, treading on egg shells constantly. I moved to the buy to let as it is a cheaper property I can afford easier on my own (plus he wouldn't have gone anywhere) he is a higher earner and is currently paying both mortgages. The mortgage on the buy to let is approximately the amount of what he should pay for child maintenance. So it works as a fix until we organise how to split the assets. I have seen a solicitor for the initial advice appointment, but have not yet progressed anything. On advice (due to the drinking) I try to keep as much contact on text as he has been quite abusive on the phone as gets very angry (on text I have a record of his temper and how irrational he has been) I think I need to move things along now (but like a pp said, it has never felt like the right time) He is saying I need to pay half the mortgage on the property he lives in (despite earning 4x my salary) starting next month. I am going to consult my solicitor, but not sure if I have to as no longer reside there. It has all been a right old mess. I have had to deal with a massive amount of anxiety, broken down in work and have sought stress counselling via my work (which has helped to give some coping strategies for his behaviour)
I am not as happy (yet) as I thought I would be... But better than before. I have managed to deal with some of the tougher challenges (eg moving) much better than anticipated and then am floored by something I hadn't thought may end up an issue. Am looking forward to coming out of the other side of this mess. Fortunately my kids are appearing to be completely unphased by everything and are the best. He is claiming to love us and miss us and is very much playing the poor victim card of having been left, not recognising how bad his behaviour had got to cause me to move out with 2 kids. it is certainly not something I did lightly and I know it was the right thing to do so the kids didn't live in an oppressive atmosphere. Feeling very wobbly about the next step though...

Hi Noddle, well done for getting out.Your solictor should be able to help with interim finances.Its in his interests to pay the mortgage as assume he is named on it.

He obviously can't make you pay for a mortgage but you can apply for CMS which he WILL have to pay.

The period of time in between separating and divorcing is stressful as he's likely to use every static to try and get you to return.
Once you have a financial order written into the divorce then he won't have a hold on you..which he will know.

Just keep going with the legal process and you will get free.Good Luck

I've been separated for a year, 4 DC's, STBEXH has made life so difficult.
Several affairs ( the first one of which MN helped me get through in 2006) serious drug addiction, and emotional abuse.

So nice to read such a supportive thread.

It's tough though, roller coaster of emotions, saying strong for DC's, fear of the future etc

Late to the party as usual but me.

Married 27 years, two adult kids, wanted to leave years ago but didn't for various reasons. Got up one Tuesday morning a few months ago and thought 'Shit. I can't do this any more' left that day and haven't been back. He claims to be completely stunned by it but he has chosen to sleep on the floor in the lounge for the last 24 years of our marriage and nothing I said would make him do otherwise. I have started divorce proceedings because I can't see any good reason not to. The kids have struggled to come to terms with it though, I think I hid my feelings so well for so long that they now think I am having some kind of midlife crisis. I don't want to bad mouth their dad to them but I do wonder if I should share a bit more info with them.

Welcome to the support thread.So sad to see how many women are going through this.

Hell, yes confusing for your children if they don't understand why, but no one would choose to go through a separation willingly!

Holland, you captured my feelings exactly.My dc was all cheerful this morning at the thought of moving house but he's unaware of the divorce.It breaks my heart and when I got home I just cried buckets.I fear the future as it involves so much change and some days (like today) I'm just so sad.

My h is petitioning me (as he has to be in control) and I believe the paperwork arrived today.I did want this to go ahead but the reality is tough.
Complete rollercoaster and currently feeling very low.

How is everyone else doing? Anyone having positive days feel free to share

I'm having a positive day so thought I'd share as the last poster suggested.
Today has been quite a productive day on top of the usual work, and home stuff.
I registered with a new GP - ended up confessing all, regarding exH, gaslighting, control, emotional abuse etc. Got some very helpful advice and phone numbers.
Made an appointment to see solicitor again re: exH not showing financial disclosure in mediation. Let battle commence!
Changed exH contacts details to "DO NOT OPEN!" - just in case I'm tempted to see what his latest revelations are.
Had confirmation that the Decree Nisi application form has been sent from the solicitors to court, so that's the next stage done. (Divorcing on grounds of exH admitting to adultery).
Also a good day as my boys are home tonight - they spend Wednesday's with exH. I hate it when they're not here - just can't get used to that...
So... A good day today, all in all. Feeling strong enough to face the next dip in this roller coaster ride.

But it is easier than it was 10 months ago... I'm taking back control and gaining strength

Well done user, gives hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel

I'm cautiously positive after the verbal abuse at the weekend. My oldest told me that he is planning to slowly move out. I'd be delighted if that was true but he also knows that whatever he says to DD she will tell me so it could just be mind games. Today whilst I was doing housework this morning I looked in his clothes drawers and they are almost empty - most of his t-shirts and jumpers are gone, his pants and pj's drawer is full. Again this could be games. It was a bit of a shock to see the drawers like that. Maybe I am going to be on my own after all. The thing is I don't want to be on my own, I want somebody to love me but it will never be him.

Hi, similar situation here. My husband decided, totally out of the blue for me, that our marriage is over. We have significant assets and are mortgage free in the UK. He has moved out into rented accommodation for the moment.
I know that I need to see a solicitor but I am struggling with the idea. Do you just google divorce solicitors? Do you just say that you've split up with your husband and need to make an appointment? Presumably they know what to do next? I really have no idea. I'm not sure I could talk to anyone yet without crying.
My husband has talked about mediation to sort out the finances - can this be done before either of us files for divorce? He says that he intends to split everything 50:50 so, in theory, it shouldn't be too difficult to reach an agreement.
Sorry, lots of questions I have been sticking my head in the sand over the practicalities but should really have some idea of what needs to happen next.

Tapir, I think solicitors are used to women crying in front of them! You can look at the resolution website for a list of solicitors but yes just phone around and most offer a 30min free intro.I think it's important to feel comfortable with the person.I saw several solicitors before deciding.
You can sort finances through mediation but the advice is to get legal advice first.Mediation offers a lower cost route to settle finances but it does not have to be binding.
Do you have children?

Hi Tapir

Here are a few answered that my be of some help, but they are based on my current experience and having never done this before, other people may have different advise. Hope it may help you though.

In my experience mediation is considerably cheaper some get the majority of the finance stuff sorted than a solicitor. Here the mediation is £95 for 1.5hrs (I think that's each, but not sure) - unless you qualify for legal aid - which doesn't have to be paid back for mediation. Once you completed your financial disclosures, exchanged them, agreed verbally the financial split, then you go back to your solicitor to apply to the court for a consent order to make it legally binding. My solicitor is £200 per hour plus VAT for the financial bit but I think they all vary in cost. Mediation hasn't worked for me but only because my STBEXH wasn't honest on his financial disclosure at all, rendering it completely useless. So my solicitor has much more to sort. (Grrrrrr)
My actual divorce is being done for a fixed fee (as its uncontested) of £600 plus vat, with the normal court fee of £550 on top (which is discretionary apparently depending on income - you can apply to have this waived by filling in a form).

Hope this is of some help...

I do hope your STBEH keep things straight forward as it'll keep the cost down for the both of you... Mine has gone totally the other way!

Thank you both, that is helpful.

No children involved so that makes it easier, as long as he sticks to being reasonable it should be fairly straightforward. I can't keep putting off seeing a solicitor for much longer so I really should bite the bullet.

Thanks Hermione,

This does seem to be a very difficult stage as nothing is settled yet. We are both named on the mortgage. My solicitor has given me good advice re finances, plus I have been told to photograph any abusive texts and keep a diary of his contact with the kids which I have done loosely since leaving. She is collaborative & I feel much happier going along that route than with mediators as she won't let me be pushed into accepting a deal that is not fair. My ex can be quite manipulative and sounds very convincing about being the wronged party too. It was our wedding anniversary earlier this week which was an odd feeling. I feel like I am grieving the relationship we should have had, rather than the one we had...

Noodles- that's exactly how I feel. The marriage we should have had. Such a range of conflicting emotions, although mine is overwhelming relief I have to say.

What's everyone up to today? I'm freezing on the side of a rugby pitch watching DS2

Chilled start to the day with a walk on the beach with dog first thing. (Neither DC wanted to get out bed to join me - teenagers!.) All chores done so just going to relax today to recharge my batteries as I have a busy week ahead with solicitors appointments etc.

A bit more decorating today, then work later on this evening. He is supposed to be helping me with the decorating but has gone out. I find this all very frustrating at the moment as I am in limbo. He has me dangling by a thread waiting for him to get financials in - its been three months now! The decorating is taken longer than it needs to as he isn't really helping. I have a week off work in a couple of weeks time and my best friend is coming to stay but he has just told me that he has changed his holidays so that he has the same week off. It will be so that he can keep an I on us - what we are saying and making sure we don't go into his precious garage and loft where he has his possessions.

I suppose that I am having a slightly more positive day.

I have had an email conversation with my husband and we might be able to agree a way for us both to live separate lives but without involving solicitors or splitting assets for the moment, putting that off until I am more capable. Strangely, this feels like a weight off my mind, although we will still be separated, the pressure of having to deal with everything whilst I am struggling to make any decisions at all was making things much harder. We will see if it works out.

Meanwhile, I am pleased that after a rubbish night, I still made it to my local park run this morning. A very slow time, but I did it. I have my parents' dogs to walk this afternoon as they are away, and the weather is perfect. I know that if I am sad and crying tonight, at least I have the dogs to cuddle.

Well done Tapir.

Well done Tapir.