Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

That's the thing I'm fast learning about separation/divorce, it's tough either way..

Hi GoldenOrb. I can honestly say that separating from my husband is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I am only hoping that one day I'll wake up and realise that things are getting easier. I just can't imagine when that will be at the moment

Can I join? Divorce petition has been sent to stbxh who isn't going to contest it.

Main issue is the financials. He earns more than double my salary and is desperate to keep the house but has no savings and debt in his credit card. At the moment, he's paying all the bills and giving me money each month and I'm saving from my salary so there's some money for me to use as a deposit (along with a lump sum that his dad is going to give him/me).

Ignorant twunt seems to think that means he can moan about me being in HIS house...my name's on the mortgage and he doesn't have the money to buy me out yet so told him it's just as much my house. .

Sick of dealing with his stupidity while working full time and doing the usual parenting/house stuff.

Help! Is this normal?

A lot of you are further along the process than I am. I keep having thoughts that he maybe isn't as bad as I'm making out and it would be easier to stay with him.

It's been 3 or 4 months since I called it a day and most days we just don't speak to each other at all and this is now becoming a normal way to live and that worries me as I am beginning to feel comfortable with it. I'm not sure it I am making any sense here.

I know I don't want to stay with him and my thoughts stem from his EA - I'll not be able to cope on my own, I'll never find someone as good as him, etc.

I have gone through phases of thinking about getting out there and dating again, becoming a lonely, grumpy, old woman and being a happy single mum.

Has anyone else gone through this and what else should I expect.

Golden, completely understand.I decided on divorce and stbxh is filing petition as otherwise he wanted to wait 2 years.I'm expecting it any day.

It's the finality of it all and I find myself debating if I can work harder, do it differentely, questioning was it really that bad? I kept a journal and know that when it's bad it's awful, its a very dysfunctional relationship and I can't change it.

My friend divorced a few years ago and I remember telling her it's a rollercoaster for a period of time.She can't do anything but ride the emotions.She is much, much happier now so I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Women tend to be happier post divorce than men.

Jaffa, cross posted...I'm just over 6 weeks into this and feel exactly the same.

Fear for the future holds us to the past.It won't get better, he was verbally abusive to you just recently and you deserve better.
That's a mantra to keep saying..you deserve better and will seek a more peaceful and happy life.

Hermione, I deserve better and I seek a more peaceful and happy life.

It is sad though that I can justify his recent verbal abuse in that he knows I hate the c word and as I get stronger he has to dig deeper to hurt me and he is try to hurt me as I have hurt him by calling it a day. I do actually feel that is true but it doesn't actually justify his behaviour.

I deserve better and I seek a more peaceful and happy life.

Got a solicitors appointment tomorrow to clarify how much bullshit the STBEXH is spouting regarding a financial settlement. He talks a lot if rubbish but I'm still worried he can screw me over as his finances are all hidden as he deals in cash mostly (his business account as a sole trader just show what he declares) - which is pitiful. Most of his financial declaration he supplied for mediation is not even filled in.
I'm scared that sorting all this out to get a settlement is going to cost me a fortune - the b*stard has already been gloating about this in emails. It obviously amuses him putting me through all this, when all I'm doing is fighting for a settlement to provide a home for our children. I just want my equity out of the house. Honestly, the way he's acting you'd think it was me who had all the affairs etc (sorry, I'm ranting again). .It just upsets me. He always said he wouldn't rip us off but now he can't bully me anymore he's turned nasty.
I really hope my solicitor can offer me some comfort in where I go from here. Looks like the STBEXH will fight me for every penny yet I thought he would want to stay out of court with him avoiding paying all his tax recently.
I've got myself in a right tiz about tomorrow. Thankfully I'm working until 3 so hoping that'll distract me.
What I'd do for all this to be over!
I guess we all feel like that

Jaffacakes I totally agree that it is an emotional roller coaster and definitely harder than I ever imagined.

I have lived apart from my ex for 5 months, we lived together for 5 months before that when we were not together. He has been awful. Lots of huffs and shutting himself in the spare room, going to the pub, bad atmosphere when we still lived together. Lots of spiteful texts since leaving which caused me to worry, not sleeping properly etc. I find it easier when he is being a nob though. As soon as he is nice, or does something nice with the kids (eg this weekend they spent an afternoon in a park rather than a pub) I start to doubt myself. I also kept a diary and sometimes it helps to remind myself how bad it was as you definitely forget a lot when removed from the situation.

I did not anticipate how lonely I would feel. I am busy most week days either at work (part time) or with DD2 who is not yet at school. On the weekends, I don't seem to manage to see people (apart from my kids as parents not local) my 2 really close (local) friends are both in very loved up stages with new fella/husband which has unfortunately coincided with me going through my separation. They have been really supportive, as have other friends but I do have moments when I wonder if I am doing the right thing and wondering if I will turn into a mad cat lady on my own as I just cannot imagine being with anyone else! I have been assured this stage will pass, but just now I cannot see it. I have to remember I was lonely in the relationship, I am trying to be organised and have some fun plans with friends over the next few weeks, so I think that will help a lot. when the kids are with their dad I have so far mainly caught up on sleep, read books, gone for walks and decorated/up cycled eBay finds. I find the Fri ngt after they are collected the hardest as the house feels empty. I need to plan more ngts out, but have been pretty skint setting up house as left most joint possessions to avoid hassle from him.

Good mantra Hermione, totally agree.
Good luck at the solicitors tomorrow user... Mine specislides in collaborative law & I feel so happy to have her on my side. I have been paying instalments each month, so it won't be a massive bill at the end (hopefully)

Thank you Noodledoodle
Helps to have MN support.

Hi, looking into divorcing my husband, married for only 1 year and he has only lived in my home for 3 months of that year and paid no mortgage etc. I have owned my property for 14 years and have lived there with both my children. I had to throw him out 6 weeks ago as he was a threat to my children. Will he be entitled to any equity in my house? I have no savings, only the equity in my home, he is very well off with substantial savings/bonds/investments.

Hi Joey, get legal advice but generally a short marriage(under 3 years) should mean you each walk away with your assets as before the marriage, especially if no joint children.

Faffa, great update and really useful advice..So pleased it's working for you.

I found a quote which is inspiring me.

"There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it.You surround yourself with people who make you laugh.Forget the bad and focus on the good.Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who do not.Life is too short to be anything but happy.Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living"

Hello - please can I join?

Left STBXH at the end of July (13 years married, 20 together). He's always been prone to sulking and temper tantrums but it deteriorated until the last year was pretty much consistent atmosphere, walking on eggshells and emotional abuse.

It started to affecf DD (12) to the extent she was referred for counselling and at that point I knew I had to go.

He shocked me by being devastated and trying to get me back and I tried to give it time but it was too late as I no longer trust him or love him in 'that' way.

So, we're now decided to draw a line under it and move on. House has been valued but I want a consent order in place before we sell so will be spending this weekend filling in my divorce petition.

DD and I are currently living with my elderly parents, which in some ways is as, if not more challenging than the actual separation/divorce!

Here to support you PandoraMole
Seems to be an awful lot of us on this roller coaster.

Thanks user. It's all a bit shit really isn't it?

Touch wood things with STBXH so far haven't been too acrimonious but suspect that could change once we get down to business.

The mortgage and house is in his name only. I took out matrimonial home rights when I left but I suspect he may have added on to the mortgage for his own benefit which will leave me with less. He mentioned a significant sum the other day that I know nothing about and have never seen any paperwork for, but I guess it will all come out when financial declarations happen. He's out with DD today so I may go back to the house and have a rummage!

I am going to try for a slightly higher than 50% split in the equity as he's keeping most of the furniture so will hopefully e able to redress any imbalance that way.

Hi PandoraMole
Yep, it's a good idea to have a good rummage for paperwork when he's out. He will have to fit in a financial declaration at mediation, but saying that, my STBEXH didn't fill in half his, and lied on the other half. I too have done a home rights notice (my name was on the mortgage until several years ago when he sneakily removed it's when the mortgage was renewed!). My STBEXH has hidden money and undeclared income too. But this means he is very very nervous about fighting me in court over the house equity, despite his threats to have a Meshers Order placed on funds. I've stuck to me guns on what I would accept for a clean break (also not what he wanted as he's a control freak and then he'd have no control over my future at all). I issued him an ultimatum of one last mediation, or go to court and let a judge sort it all out. The financial declaration to the court is a lot more serious so I'm guessing his solicitor has just advised him to agree to what I want so I can buy a home for me and our 2 DCs. If he hides finances from the judge in court he can be done for contempt of court.
He says he will agree to a 65% / 35% split in my favour, without going to court, which is what we agreed verbally when things were still reasonably friendly months ago. So, hopefully, one last mediation session will tie this up but I'm not holding my breath yet, as I've been here before and he changed his mind. I know he is hiding money, but as long as I get enough as a deposit for another home with a clean break deal, he can keep whatever else he's squirrelled away secretly.

So, my advise is find out as much as you can incase he doesn't complete the financial declaration with complete transparency. See if you can find mortgage statements etc. STBEXH even had his vehicles 'valued' by his mates company to make it look like they were worth a third of their real value. He also omitted the bank statement for an entire account he didn't want me knowing about.

And 50% is a starting point, not necessarily an end point. You are also not responsible for any debt he has accumulated since your split, so don't lose out on your share because of it.

I'm hoping that the painful part of coming to a financial settlement is over for me. I've to decide now if the last mediation will be shuttle or face to face. He's requested face to face but he's so manipulative (I've had years old emotional abuse). I know I can request another shuttle mediation, but I'm worried he will call the deal off if I do. My colleague at work said 'just do it like he's asked, in the same room, it only one hour of your life'. This is true but it makes me really really panicky and last time it took me days to get my head straight after, whilst he laughed at me getting upset and panicky in the meeting. So, I've got a just over a week until the meeting to decide what to do. I hope it's not like this for you.
Good luck. Keep posting

5 weeks in. Two young children. Feeling overwhelmed but ultimately no doubt this is for the best.

Sahm, very high earning husband. So worried about my future. I was on a high salary ore marriage now my earning potential slashed, will be lucky to get anything that is local and works around school hours. I have two years before I will be expected to work, so going to think about what I need to do.

So much to balance, to think about but I catch moments where I feel happy and settled. That is my future without my STBX

It's a relief to read your stories and realise I'm not alone x

Oh yes and first mediationsession in a couple of weeks. My stomach contorts at the thought. STBX is a very professional, calm, steely and highly intelligent man. I know the mediator will stop any nonsense but I worried I'm going to be annihilated and then my future financial situation in jeopardy as a result

Blonde, you can request shuttle mediation where you are in separate rooms, if you feel that may be better. You'd have to request this is advance though.

I really wish I could name check everyone who has posted but on my phone.Such a sad situation for so many of us to be going through.

Golden orb, my ex is filing the petition because he wouldn't allow me, due to his reputation.He truly believes he's a nice man and totally rational, which of course makes me the crazy one.My solicitor advised that I could deny allegations but not sensible to contest (as ex said he would) because I want the divorce to go ahead.

Part of me feels I may have rushed it and could I have waited 2 years? However I have felt so fearful of him at times that I wanted the link broken between us.

We are telling youngest dc this weekend (the older at Uni already know) and I am dreading that over everything.I know I will be happier long term but I just wish I could avoid their pain.Its a difficult age already with puberty kicking in.

Ex was aggressive this morning whilst discussing telling the children.I emailed him after to say I needed him to stop being aggressive.It felt like a moment of clarity as I realised how often he was like this.

Blonde, seems we are on a similar timeline for mediation and my ex very similar, intelligent and can detach his emotions and I fear I will be an emotional wreck.

My divorce was a while ago. It does get better. We had a clean break after almost 20 years married. i was able to stay in the marital home as I work full time and could get a big mortgage to pay my ex out and he got my life savings as well (nearly 60% of joint assets but at least I don't have to pay him maintenance - i earn more than he does). We lived together for the 7 months through the divorce to court sealed financial consent order, decree absolute, to remortgage to his cash hitting his bank account and then and only then did he leave which was not fun but as my solicitor said had he not left at that point we could have obtained a court order to force him out.

In my case I wanted the divorce and the older children asked me to divorce him so just about the easiest divorce on my side but hard for my ex. By the way my solicitor sent his a draft unreasonable behaviour petition to give him the chance to change things which he did and I could not care less what was in it as no one ever sees it so I was happy with his changes and once he'd approved it it was served. I paid both side's solicitors' fees as I earn more. We avoided all court hearings and all mediation hearings as we knew 100% the finances of each other, always happily opened each other's post, had joint bank accounts and I did our tax returns so no need for money disclosure (andw e still still lived together) and we could negotiate money without a mediator to save money and no Form E as we didn't need the financial disclosure. Both worked full time always and our pensions worth about the same as each other's so we just kept those.

Someone mentioned capital gains tax if you don't sell the marital home for a while - do look into tax aspects and remember the new extra 3% stamp duty if you still technically have one home in your name when you by another - I think you pay the huge extra stamp duty but you get it back if you divorce within a certain period or something like that.

Also someone mentioned putting off financial stuff until later - by all means do that if that works emotionally but remember English law works out assets and debts at the date of divorce (even if years and years later after you inherit from parents or win the lottery or get a pay rise) rather than at the date of separation so you really are better off getting on with it and not getting decree absolute until you have the court sealed financial consent order too. [ Also do remember Scottish and English divorce law differ]