Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

I've sent a rude email to wasband this morning. He took offence to my suggestions that he wasn't be honest/fair with finances. Seems to think he is some sort of moral and righteous person. So I reminded him that his past record shows that he's a lying cunt who couldn't give a shit about me (a bit more politely than that)

I did say I was going to keep all emotion out of the finance discussions. Fail.

I'm at work at the moment. hmm.. I am working really. Will go to the gym later on, it's sort of my equivalent of the pub. Gives me someone to go out to in the evening so I don't feel alone. I don't know anyone there or talk to anyone, but I'm at least around other people. And I listen to upbeat music on my headphones which is always good.

going to Waitrose definitely seems like a positive experience! Do you watch Googlebox? Mary on there says she wants to have her ashes scattered in Waitrose as she's had so many happy times there

Is family coming a bad thing then?

Can I suggest a bottle of wine to end the day well.

Jaffa I don't drink! Considering hard drugs though...

Kansas do you mean you've got both sides of the family coming to the BBQ?!

Ah, sorry I misunderstood. Yes, hopefully it will be brief and you can look forward to it being over!

I think drinking can easily become a very bad coping mechanism. It makes me feel sick now. Wasband had got into the habit of drinking heavily when we were separating, I don't know if he still is. Obviously don't care.

A bit thanks. I got overcome by anxiety a bit earlier, thought I was going to have to go and hide in the toilets with a panic attack. I have beta blockers but haven't been taking them as I thought it had stopped. Luckily I had some in my bag. Feel more rational now. I never realised how awful anxiety can be. I've also been diagnosed with moderate depression, which isn't nice but I find it easier to cope with.

good for you for giving it up Kansas

Just checking in briefly....DS is here, not getting much out of him, he is depressed not just because of divorce but can't be helping (he says he doesn't care). Have just received draft petition from solicitor but can't open it because of format. Not too happy with service so far but they all have me same advice...go no a lovely house far too early we just putting house on market. O'Neill have one or two glasses wine as always not a big drinker but finding I need a little quite often!! Hope you do have some good moments this weekend everyone at least it's lovely weather Cheers

Sorry FOUND a house which is now under offer..and who is O'Neill??

really struggling with STBXH and contact of our daughters. He has started a job - first one in 12 years - and he's now saying he will 'see them when he can' well I'm not being funny but 3 months since he moved out, he's seen them one day every weekend and one evening - since. Now he's saying that the weekend day might not happen. He picked them up twice in the last couple of weeks from school and took them to the park for an hour before bringing home. Well that is no good for a break for me, and not much contact really.

I really don't want to be the winging ex wife, but he even mentioned moving back to England 200 miles away so am getting the vibe he might not be part of the girls life in the long term very much if he can break ties this fast.

I'm really dissapointed. And hurt for my girls but know I've got to be strong for them too.

I'm busting a gut decorating and gardening etc. I do feel like our home is too big for me on my own now, DD1 moves out in Sept to go to uni and I have 12 and 7 year old DD's Also.

Think it's finally hitting me, I'm on my own.

Hi, lurker here although posted a while back. Just been reading your posts re changing names. I am desperate to change back to my maiden name. Been separated a year but still living together but he moves out on 21st thank goodness. I'm finding it hard answering to Mrs & it seems strange writing Ms Surname. Won't start divorce for a year & then do quickie one. I know I can do by deedpoll but how does this affect my passport? Can't afford to replace? Thanks for any advice.

Hi HWB - I've wondered about the passport thing too. Mine expires next year, so I'll need to renew anyhow.

Jaym sorry to hear about STBXH and the kids. Unfortunately it's kind of out of your hands if he's going to be a crap dad. You're not on your own, you have your DDs, hopefully some friends and family and you've got MN. It's better than being with someone who makes you unhappy.

Thanks - I don't have any family - a half sister 600 miles away with no children is the best it gets.

Friends I'm working on building as I ride a motorbike so am using that as respite when i don't have the girls, but that might not be so easy to do if Ex moved or plays up.

Most of all I'm sad, that he can say these things and not realise how they sound. how it looks. I hope it balances out - I never knew my dad and it left a big empty space in my life. I know that isn't the case but youngest is 7 so it's a tough lesson for them to learn if their dad doesn't step up.

Hugs to you all this evening girls. I have a glass of wine beside me. I don't drink much so it'll only be one glass.

One of my girls has said to me that she is concerned that her father will fade away out of her life once we finally go our own way.

It's been a tough week but I feel really positive, not sure why. I do feel we are moving forward but I'm still walking on eggshells but if that is what it takes to be free from him then so be it.

Hi all.

Lousy start to the holidays here. Mum is driving us all up the wall, especially DD.

Dd has tried to organise things with friends but they are all doing other stuff so she's on her own, bored and miserable. I'm trying to save money so don't really want to spend a fortune taking her out all week but can't see much option.

Have messaged a couple of her friend's mums in the hope we can pull something together for this week (next week won't be so bad as Wasband is back so will be having her 2 days, she has party and cinema one day and we're away next weekend.

She is so desperately unhappy living here and it's really have an impact on her ability to cement the new friendships she's made as she isn't free to just ask people round when she wants to and they're still too young to be doing much 'out' on their own.

Can't bear the thought of this dragging on for another 4-6 months but just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The offer qasband has made me is ridiculous, but if I don't come to some agreement it drags things out even longer and he will be even.more difficult.

Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place :(

Pandora sorry to hear that. Hope you can find a few things to do and that the nice weather is at least a positive?

I met with wasband today. It was kind of a big deal. I haven't spoken to him at all for over 6 months. The thought of seeing him has given me panic attacks. Whenever I saw him prior to us moving out I found it so painful, I missed him so much )or at least the person I thought he was).

I'm very proud of myself for doing and also for doing so in a very controlled and dignified manner. We talked about what had happened between us and he admitted to a few more lies. I got a tiny bit emotion at one point but held it together otherwise. I think we have come to an acceptable agreement on the finances too, just a case of getting it organised.

I was on a bit of a high for a while, but have come down now and feel shattered and had a bit of a wobble. It's a massive step for me though, to know that I can see him and not go to pieces. Also that he could see that I hadn't fallen apart without him. He's not coping at all well with it.

Now feeling absolutely shattered and empty. It briefly felt like I'd magically broken through to a new me but I don't think depression and anxiety lift that easily. My friend sensibly pointed out to me that it was another step on the journey.

I guess that's what we all have to remember - small steps will get us to our safe and happy place.

Evening all really sorry to hear everyone struggling today. Pandora hang in there...your DD will be OK. Picnic in the park maybe? It's so hard isn't it when for whatever reason they can't see friends.
Most girls are so sensitive about that. Don't see why your solicitor isn't getting you more money Pan you are clearly the main carer. Sorry can't recall your back story.
I've been having long talks with my adult son. He's had a tough time over last few months, coming out of too much smoking weed and drinking, now the divorce which he has been anticipating for years. I will be the divorced daughter of divorced parents how do we stop the cycle?? Mind you I have been married 28 years, longer than my parents were. Mum never remarried and she was only 42 when Dad left not nearly 60!! OTOH marriages for over 65s are up...
In other news solicitor did nothing all week then drafted a petition for me which was really badly worded. Am feeling a bit ripped off and also that as usual stbxh is doing better on the solicitor stakes. I have redrafted and we will see what he thinks of it next week.
Playing happy families with kids tomorrow having a BBQ. Probably the last family event for while, if ever. 😳

Proper, there will be lots of 'lasts' and lots of firsts to come.

The last couple of days I have been longing for an intimate man hug/cuddle... nothing more just the touch of a caring man, something I haven't had in years.

I know what you mean jaffa I wanted one of those earlier. This sounds really sad but I sometimes sort of hug myself in bed. It's not the same at all, but I find it can give a feeling of security. I listened to a relaxation recording for anxiety which talked about feeling your body against the bed and knowing you are supported and safe. So I think of that too.

I do keep meaning to listen to relaxation, meditation, hypnosis recordings but it's a bit like reading, I struggle to slow down and do something like that.

Proper - I found it good to ignore thinking about 'lasts'. I managed to avoid some key ones because the ones I thought would be last didn't happen IYKWIM. Sometimes they're not as bad as you think either. I thought I'd be a mess for the last night in our family home. But I think I had so much to do with packing that I just got through it on adrenaline.

I haven't spoken to him at all for over 6 months.

Sounds like heaven!

Well done for coping with seeing him and getting so much sorted. I get panic attacks when I have to communicate with mine so I understand how hard it is.

Proper - hope all goes ok today and you son manages to keep progressing ok. It's hard when you are trying to process everything and so worried about the kids isn't it.

DD is chirpier today. We're having a girly day out on Tuesday and hopefully will have arranged a couple of things with friends by then. Wasband will be paying maintenance from 1st May - not my solicitors fault -she's ace - just me being a gullible soft touch.

I've emailed him to say when I'll be round to pick my stuff up and he hasn't replied even though I asked him to acknowledge receipt. I will be there regardless so he best make sure he's available because if I can gain access I will go ahead anyway.

Pitched our new tent today, single handedly in 20 minutes flat. Wasband used to insist on camping every year but we had a huge tent and so much equipment it was really hard work and caused endless rows.

Am really looking forward to getting away for a couple of days at a time somewhere closer and having a proper outdoorsy chill out later in the year.

Pandora enjoy your camping! I'm thinking of going to my first ever festival this summer!
Jaffa and Not...I've been hugging my son and also my very tall nephew. We get on so well but I'm sure I leaned in too much! Poor lad he doesn't seem to mind. Stbxh was never loving and affectionate in that way so I know what you mean!!

Hugs to all and