Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

So sorry HelenRose that you're going through this. There are many many of us here that know exactly how your feeling. I think I can safely say we are all here holding hands, supporting each other as best we can.
We will all get through this, I am sure... It's just a long bumpy road

Thank you. I don't think I've ever felt so many emotions - it's an endless cycle at the moment; anger (a lot), bitterness, despair, desperation, as well as moments of total calm and clarity. In the first month I can see I was in total denial - I was like superwoman: motivated, strong, happier even. Then it all collapsed around me and I was left gobsmacked and broken-hearted. I've even begged, to my own horror and shame. My latest persona has been Sarky Bitch, also not cool.

It's such a lonely place to be. I guess the end goal is just inner strength and indifference to him and her, right? I'm hoping eventually it won't give me that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach any more. The betrayal and humiliation is unbearable most of the time

So sorry Helen that you're going through this. Can't offer anything other than virtual support along with others and to let you know that I really can relate to everything you've described above. It is a very lonely place to be, particularly after the initial couple of months when friends and family, with no ill will whatsoever, take a step back.

Keep posting and sharing and hopefully we'll all help each through the shit and out the other side.

Faffalotty - crap morning eh? Sending some hugs to you x

It's just horrible. I thought he and I were bulletproof - we survived so many trials. The thing I loved the most about him was his dependability, that secure safeness I felt around him. He could fix every problem, always calm, always loyal and honest. I just knew we'd always be together, like you say, just as I knew the sun would rise every morning. To be so wrong about something, someone...it makes you question yourself and your ability to judge a person. I never knew he was capable of lying to my face and cheating on me, but he was, and he did. He turned from a good decent man to an evil treacherous toad in a heartbeat and I wasn't at all prepared for it.

I'm trying to stay busy and take up new hobbies and stuff - I know it's recommended. Build that new life I'm suddenly forced to build. But I don't want to. I want security and safeness again, not this chaos.

And of course trying to stay strong in front of the kids...

that there isn't anyone to support me or turn to, who will be there for me and loves me...

That's 100% where I've been for the last week too, even though we're living with my parents. It's not really working out for any of us on a practical or emotional level.

Mum is used to being mistress of her own domain (my poor dad doesn't get a look in!) & frustrated by and resentful of out presence on a daily basis, so we feel unwelcome.

I'm supposed to be clearing a load of stuff from the house today and tomorrow as STBXH is away but have a horrendous cold and cough and don't think I'm going to manage it.

Tomorrow was supposed to be mortgage advisor and some investigative forays into local estate agents. Am also going to apply to go on the housing register in the desperate but unlikely hope that we may be prioritised due to the effects of our current living arrangements. Mum and Dad are nearly 80 and really need to be somewhere on one level with 2 toilets which they can't do while were here, and the atmosphere is not good for mine or DDs mental health. I suffer with anxiety and depression and DD is under the local counselling service as a result of the last year's events.

I'm sure they have other far more deserving cases but its worth a try. May also mean I'll be considered for the 'affordable' housing they are building locally when it becomes available. I'll have a decent deposit, but as a public sector employee my mortgage options are limited even though I work full time (term time only).

I've booked the mortgage advisor for first thing tomorrow. Rest is just popping in.

Have the forms completed for housing, just need to write a bit making our case and dig out the million and one items of paperwork they need copies of. I can't make an appointment - they won't actually see anyone until they've been through their forms and deemed whether or not they're worthy enough to meet in person .

Also need to fill in the divorce petition and get that off.

Suspect the mortgage appt will be upsetting - I have a fair bit of debt which will have to be factored in and may mean buying is out of the question without a longer stay here. I should have been able to pay more off since we left but with secondary school uniform, birthdays and the summer hols, and now divorce etc to pay for it's just not happened. Stbxh has bought stuff for DD and taken her/us out but not actually given me any maintenance yet.

I'm just reaching the end of a freelance job which will pay for the divorce petition but can't invoice them for another week.

Just have to buckle up and ride it out and I know that really but it's hard. Just want it all to be sorted, dust settled and start my life again. Spent the first 20 years under mum's thumb and the latter under STBXHs - not even sure who I am really tbh.

Morning everyone. Weekends are often my trigger point as well. Sundays in particular as he is at home and WTF, he is hoovering atm! I hate being in the same house as him, I'm always on edge when he is around.

For many years I lived in hope that his behaviour towards me and the girls would improve but now I live in hope that he will leave or come to some sort of arrangement with me but he just won't discuss anything with me. If I try talking to him it ends up with him being verbally abusive to me and it just don't matter how 'nice' I am to him. I know I'm going to have to get my solicitor to move things forward but I just don't want the grieve from him and the expense of it all.

Wow I am wanging on this morning!

faffa it sounds like you're doing really well - is it meet ups on here you've joined?

I don't find making friends that easy - I meet people I like but then think 'they've probably got busy lives, they don't need me as a friend' and don't do anything about it.

I think tbf though I need to wade through the practicalities before I focus on rebuilding my social life. I will need to though - I got 'black balled' from an annual event some friends of ours host the other week as STBXH isn't comfortable with my presence .

Faff and Helen - sorry you're having a crap morning, even though it's awful I'm glad there is someone else who know how it feels.

I'm also feeling terrible this morning, just overwhelming feelings of "I can't do this" looking at my DC wondering how I am going to bring them up to be balanced, calm and happy people.

Stupid little things can trigger it can't they? I watched a film I really enjoyed last night but when I woke up this morning just the realisation that I have no-one to tell about it completely floored me.

Oh well, the sun is shining, time to get out and try and make it a decent day. Hope your days improve also to you both

Jaffa mine used to do that - aggressive cleaning whilst refusing to actually talk to me and getting really arsey if I questioned him about what the problem was.

Thank fuck I don't have to tolerate that any more. My mum may drive me crackers but she certainly doesnt keep you in suspense if you piss her off !

Sorry Pandora - and for you too

that there isn't anyone to support me or turn to, who will be there for me and loves me...

this - absolutely

Yep, weekends are the worst for me too. As i am self employed, I just keep working...and pretend the weekend isn't happening.

But I have my daughter who needs entertaining and i can't wallow. But I am finding getting up in the morning such a boring thought. Like whats the point when there is no adult to talk to, no one to chat to in the morning, no one to share a cooked breakfast or a glass of wine in the evening.

I was given a bottle of wine when I moved into my own place nearly 3 weeks ago and it remains unopened in the fridge...my 14 year old daughter offered to have a "little bit" with me so that I didn't feel bad about drinking alone. I said i would rather save it for a special occasion.

Anyone fancy sharing it with me next weekend?

Weirdly though I have a number of things arranged for this week - but they all involve the ex... he is bringing our son over tonight to play a board game for some "family" time. I find this hard - but it is my only chance to see him. Then on Friday night we have tickets to see a band that I love and he can take or leave. But because we bought the tickets together months ago, he still wants to go. Plus i need him to drive me there. Worried I might not enjoy it with him sitting next to me. The Saturday it is his Mums birthday and i will probably be going to a meal out with the him, the kids and her other son and his girlfriend. Awkward doesn't even come close. it will be the first time i have seen them all together.

Plus I am struggling for money as one client decided this week was a good time to drop me. So busy drumming up business in a real big hurry. Imagine not being able to pay rent the first month after you move in. Pretty sad. I think I am going to look for proper employment as this stress is not nice.

But if i look at the bright side - there is much to be pleased about. No anxiety related to his moods and that is huge...

You are so righty Jaffa about weekends being the trigger.
I have more time to stew on things... My own brain being my own worse enemy.
This week I'm stressing as I have the 3rd mediation session. It was hopefully to be the last as my manipulative STBEXH has agreed through email a reasonable settlement regarding the equity of the house. However, I received a contradictory letter from his solicitor (dated the day before our emails). So I asked him to confirm that he still intended to attend the mediation to confirm the settlement and I've had no reply - what a surprise! He's insistent on being in control of everything, hence the years of emotion abuse and manipulation I suffered. He agreed last week to settlement following my saying it was his last chance to agree a clean break deal, or I would get the FM1 form from the mediator and start court proceedings. (His finances are a joke, he's self employed therefore screwing with true earnings and tax payments etc - his financial disclosure to the mediator was a joke with half of it missing and the other half not making sense). So you'd think he'd want to keep his arse out of court.
Due to escalating solicitor cost, I'd rather stay out of court, but I'm not letting him know that.
So I've been stewing all weekend to whether he's actually going to turn up or not. If he doesn't that's more money down the drain for me. The other dilemma I have is do I stick to shuttle mediation (to avoid him upsetting me by his lies and him manipulating me in the meeting) or do I give him what he wants and have the meeting face to face so he doesn't use that as an excuse to not go ahead with the agreed settlement. Aarrrrgghhh... I keep going round in circles...

Hekenrose, that's heart breaking.I truly believe having an affair is the most destructive way to end a marriage.It's really unlikely he will be happy long term.Was he the type to avoid conflict ? Loved the label of Mr Nice Guy but underneath he was angry and resentful? .It is also despicable for a 'friend' to have an affair with him.
On a practical note, one of you will need to start the process to get finances agreed.I would recommend it's done sooner as you will get peace of mind and he maybe more generous if he feels guilty.
Once you have certainty over your future it helps to move you forward.I also found a book "getting past your breakup" useful, anything that keeps you focussed on positives is essential at this stage.

Ds is out with ex shopping for new furniture for his room in ex's rented house.I'm glad he's excited but of course makes it feel very real.
I think it's a quiet day for me,maybe a walk in the woods.
Remember, I would gladly share a glass of wine with you.

Thanks faffa will definitely take a look at that some time.

remember we've had a run of family events that required our joint attendance recently. It was incredibly hard and stressful - I was having almost constant panic attacks. At one point I got through an entire bottle of Rescue Remedy in 4 days! Commiserations re the work situation too, that must be so tough. I started doing some freelance work at the end of last year with the aim of eventually being self employed, but when I knew for sure we'd be leaving I decided to find a full time job. It's a bit of a culture shock after 14 years of part time, but have wonderful colleagues and it is logistically pretty much perfect so I am extremely lucky.

Your DD sounds lovely . I have already started a pizza and prosecco fund for when we finally have our first night in a home of our own, and empty all my loose change into it every Friday.

Best of luck with the finances Jaffa - hopefully your ex will agree as per the email rather than hand over control of the situation to the courts.

Wow hermione that's so accurate about him! That's exactly how he was. He'd be so accommodating and do anything for you but would seethe with resentment underneath. He avoided conflict to a ridiculous level. I wish I could relay the stories here but suffice to say he was an avoider!

Yeah this woman was a friend. She knew all about me, offered me a shoulder to cry on and I told her my problems. She was so complimentary of my family. I didn't realise she was planning on sharking in and destroying it.

Well, what a day. Earlier he knocked some ice from the freezer, picked it up off the floor and went to throw it in the sink but missed completely and it ended up on the floor again. I was drying dishes but was standing at least 2 feet away from him and he glared at me with his scarey face and said 'did I do that on purpose', as if I had nudged his hand! I looked at him thinking he was joking but nope he was perfectly serious. Later on I asked him to show me how to do something and was told 'work it out for yourself'. At dinner time (he now makes his own dinners) I asked him if he wanted me to turn the oven off as he had left it on with nothing in it and I just got verbal abuse. My youngest who does her best to stay out of things even made a few small comments to him today. He is very angry towards me but couldn't be nicer to everyone else, classic narcissistic behaviour. I did a bit of research on how to deal with narcissists and the no.1 tip is not to deal with them and stay away from them!

Ok - opened the wine tonight. One small glass with the ex while we played a board game with our son. Daughter refuses to spend time with her dad - big long story. but i thought sod it...if a glass helps me to feel better about this then good. As it happened it was all ok and my son is coming over for dinner tomorrow night - so one on one time. Ex is collecting him.

Glad it was a reasonably good night remember and that you're feeling more positive faffa.

Went to see mortgage advisor this morning - not good. I can only get half the mortgage I need to be able to buy a place for DD and I so it's Plan B.

I should have enough equity to buy a studio/1 bed mortgage-free which I'll rent out and use the income to supplement my salary and pay for a larger rented place for DD and I. This way, when we are in a better position to buy, I won't have lost any of the capital.

I've never rented before, so am a bit twitchy, but I have (briefly) been both a landlord & a leggings negotiator and DD's Godmother used to be an area manager for a large leggings company and now works in another side of the business, so I shall rope her in for advice and support.

Am a bit disappointed that we can't buy for ourselves but pleased to know how the land lies and excited to move forward. Hope to swing it so there's a little in reserve to kit out our new place when the time comes and maybe have a proper chill out holiday, albeit a short one. Might be a bit optimistic, but here's hoping !