Support for those starting the divorce process

[hermione2016]

Just wondered how many of us are embarking on divorce and would value some support.

After a disastrous holiday over the summer we are divorcing.Stbxh is divorcing me as he said he would defend a divorce petition from me.He has yet to get a solicitor and my solicitors advised that I set a deadline for him to start the process.

We have 1 dc and were together 15 years.I feel I've had years of EA, at best ex has very low emotional intelligence but is arrogant so would never see it.At worst he's an angry bully.I need to stop trying to figure "why he does what he does" but I'm quite an over thinker. We are in the same house and trying to get it sold.Just organising it going on the market which in itself is stressful.

I know ex will be hostile, he's already refusing to share financial stuff and stating I will have none of his pension.I am happy just to get it all out in the open and let the solicitors sort a reasonable split.I will have less than I have today but hopefully greater peace of mind.

Anyone else wanting to get some support on the journey, to hopefully a happier life?

I'm really struggling at the moment. I so badly want to get away from him. He is abusive and aggressive and is trying his hardest to convince me I've said things I haven't. I'm only just managing to keep my head above water emotionally. He is now telling me that he'll be out of the house before Christmas. He has also told oldest that he will gradually move out. But...and there is always buts with him...is he just playing mind games? Part of me wants to go and rent somewhere asap for me and my 2 DD's the other part thinks just keep being patient and he might just give me the house.

On the up side I have been offered a full time job at my work which is something special as they just don't give out full time contracts as a rule. I'm very flattered by that and have accepted the offer. As least I'm highly thought of at work. He just said it was about bloody time I got a full time job.

I should say that I am in Scotland. Up here all the financials have to be sorted out before divorcing and once you are divorce that is it, there is no come back afterwards and no changing of minds re money so finances have to be water tight. Many people divorce in haste up here and settle for less then regret it later. Also you can get a divorce after one year of separation if you have sorted out the financials and have no children under 16, you do not give a reason for divorce other than confirming irreconcilable differences. If you have children under 16 you need to wait 2 years before divorcing. As my youngest will be 16 at the end of the year we could be divorced by July, however he won't even agree a separation date!

Please may I join?
Could certainly do with the support right now.
Separated from H last sept after putting up with years of erratic, aggressive behaviour triggered by his heavy drinking. Things got progressively worse following the birth of our second DC (now aged 3 and 7).
Though I managed to get him to leave (house in joint named) he's spent the year living like a student in the most inapt house shares you can imagine, and consequently had no where to have the DCs.
I had been allowing him to visit the children at the house to keep the peace and maintain stability for them but actually that's just been upsetting and confusing, and the penny has finally dropped that he is taking the piss.
So I've recently stopped that, he just gets to take them out for a few hours each weekend and that is that.
I saw a solicitor back in Feb and completed my divorce papers but then sat on it... I'm ready to push the button now. From what I understand we will go into mediation while the divorce being processed?
I've just started a new job and I'm gutted that this is still so difficult after such a long time, I've found the last year such a struggle and long for some me time
I know it's self indulgent but I need to get it out.

Seems like so many us struggling through this.It makes sense logically as this is part which is limbo, not in a marriage but not yet divorced.

Faffa, will your ex pay?

Jaffa, so sorry you are struggling, well done on the job.Try to focus on the positives, I am doing affirmations to balance the negativity from ex.

Whatev, as hard as it is I think you cant facilitate ex seeing the kids.Can you agree finances with your ex? Mediation can help if not possible.

Whatevs - not self indulgent at all, it sounds as though you've held things together brilliantly for over a year, you need some time and space if only to think things through. Well done on the new job.

Faff - will your ex agree to pay? I initially thought I would pay for mine if only to get things moving but as I was signing the petition today I got really angry REALLY ANGRY for the first time since he left 6 months ago. Why should I pay???

I actually added up all the things I have continued to pay for since he left (his car tax and insurance, 2x pet insurance when he has the dogs) and how he reduced what he paid towards the house and children (half the mortgage + £70, no bills, no maintenance) the month after leaving "otherwise he couldn't afford to take the DC out" and I can't believe I have let him continue to take me for such a mug, after everything else he has put me through!!

Sorry for the rant...just need to let it out. My STBXH left me and DC out of the blue after 24 yrs together, 17 married. Usual script, loved me but not in love...didn't want to be the sort of man who had affairs so was leaving before that happened...the usual bullshit. A week later in a relationship with a junior colleague.

On the whole I think I'm doing pretty well, my children are ok and life is continuing. I'm just floored by my anger today and am wondering why it's taken so long.

Again, sorry for the long rant

In England:
"You may be able to get help with fees if you’re on benefits or a low income."

"Eligibility
Savings

You need to have less than £3,000 in savings and investments if you’re under 61.

You can have up to £16,000 in savings if your fee is between £1,000 and £10,000, or if you or your partner are 61 and over.
Benefits

You need to be on a low income, or on one of the following benefits:

income-based Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA)
income-related Employment and Support Allowance (ESA)
Income Support
Universal Credit (and you earn less than £6,000 a year)
Pension Credit (Guarantee Credit)
Scottish Civil Legal Aid (not Advice and Assistance, or Advice by Way of Representation)

Income

If you’re not on any of those benefits, you need to earn less than £1,085 a month before tax if you’re single, or £1,245 if you have a partner.

You can earn an extra £245 on top of that for each child you have.

For example, if you have a partner and 2 children you have to earn less than £1,735 to be eligible for help with court fees.

Check your eligibility for help with court fees before you apply.

You might not need to answer all the questions, depending on your circumstances."
www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

Hear hear Faff! I know exactly what you mean about the wildly fluctuating emotions, and I have never sworn so much in my life!

I don't qualify either, in fact as I earn more than him I'm scared I may end up paying him maintenance as well as buying him out of the home. Now that would be a kick in the teeth.

Sorry to hear so many are having a rough week. Mine has also been fairly pants.

Didn't get back to the house for a rummage last Saturday but did manage to sprain my knee and catch a stinking cold. Stbx was really kind and supportive and I did wonder if we could find a way to try and work things out, but I realised it just won't work.

As a result had to have the 'right, this is it, divorce' convo for the third time, so he was hurt and angry and I feel like shit for 'leading him on' in a way.

I know relationships need working at but in our case it would take so much work and we'd both have to change so much, it would just make us both more miserable and be unsustainable over the long term. I know that every time I see a hint of bad mood or irritation on his face, I will be walking on eggshells waiting to see if we're going back down the slippery slope to where we were just before I left. I know that even if he changes, I'm conditioned now to always be the one to compromise, to put his needs before my own, to not do anything to rock the boat. And above all, DD doesn't want to go back.

At the same time the grief has hit me for the good times we did share and for what might have been had I managed to get through to him before things went this far (though God knows I tried). In spite of what he put us through at times, I hate the fact I've hurt him. The deterioration of his and DDs relationship is heartbreaking, and I can't see a way of making it better.

And I feel so very alone. No husband, fair enough, my choice and it wasn't taken lightly. Living with my parents though is stretching my relationship with my mum to breaking point and I'm not at all sure we'll come out the other side. She's very supportive practically but emotionally clueless and I suspect a bit of a narcissist. She has no tact or filters and we are like chalk and cheese. At almost 80 her world view leaves a lot to be desired and you can imagine how all this translates into her relationship with an anxious, hormonal 12yo.

Bizarre that I'm living with 3 others & working in the largest place I've worked in years yet feel so very, very alone.

Pandoramole, when our children wake up to their parents behaviour it can be heartbreaking as you feel you have let them down. Your dd is at a difficult age - always found aged 12 to 14 more challenging for girls. It will get better for both of you, trust that. Today maybe is the day you start to move forwards. Reach out to people as you don't need to feel alone, we are also here for you. What can you do for yourself today that values you? Trust that this is a temporary state and happiness is ahead of you.

My h moves out next week and we tell dc tomorrow. As I waved ds off to school he seemed so happy and I just know he will heartbroken.

Like Pandora I keep reflecting if I have done enough and how did my behaviour contribute to the breakdown. I am grieving for what should have been. We are both intelligent people so how come we can't make it work?

However I kept a journal for the last 4 years and the pattern seems to be that H used aggression/attacking/blaming when I have expressed a need.It seems to be a tactic where I am placed on the backfoot and then he gets to ignore what my needs are.He then uses the fact that we are not communicating to do whatever he wanted in the first place.Ultimately he always gets what he wants.
He also told me that I can't ever say 'No' to him. I am often so confused by the verbal assaults that it's only afterwards when I realise how unhealthy his statements are.
When I've tried to have a calm conversation he will aggressively demand that it ends immediately. I am not allowed to end a discussion.

When we had friends visiting he spoke with such contempt to me when I dared suggest that the name of a restaurant may not have been correct.
He has scared me and when I have told him he has said "you need to see someone, you are the problem as I have never hit hit you. If you say I have scared you then the marriage is over". I realise he chooses to keep the threat as he could say "and I would never hit you"

Like you Pandora I am now highly sensitive to aggression in his tone or face so not sure I could feel relaxed with him. I don't feel I am important to him but he recently displayed such insensitivity to his daughter ,who I know he loves, that it makes we realise he has such low empathy and insight.

I just needed to type it out as the desire to 'fix' the relationship is so strong but it's not right to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Forme, I earn more than my ex so as the law is gender neutral I ended up paying him - he got almost 60% for a clean break.

Me2017, do you have children can I ask and if so do you split care 50/50? I have our two approx 90% of the time.

My solicitor has just suggested 50/50 split of our finances for a clean break. I thought that was fair enough but now that I've found my anger I'm wondering. Even though I currently earn more my job is a lot less secure, plus I have DC the majority of the time (not that I want that any other way).

Can anyone advise how you decide on the value/split of items in the home and who gets what??

It's shit, isn't it

Hermione, I think you are me and you are married to my husband!!!

It give me strength (and disbelief) that there are others out there married to the same type of man as my husband and who are the same type of person as myself. I often wonder if I am the person my husband tells me I am and could I have done more. I think we all know that we are not perfect but there are two people in a marriage and we can't make things better on our own.

I am very slowly beginning to accept that I need to treat myself better and that way things will also get better for me and my girls and that is what is important to me. Whatever I do I will never please him and I've known that for a long time. However, the guilt can be overwhelming at times.

Today I am feeling good. After I do this evening's shift at work I am on holiday for a week. He had previously told me that he had switched his week off to the same week but I have found out that he is off the following week - another of his mind games. My oldest turns 18 next week, my sister is coming to stay overnight and my best friend is also coming to stay for a few days. He doesn't think it is appropriate that they stay - oh dear what a shame. I am going to have a great week off.

Sorry Me2017, just read your post further up thread re your divorce and settlement, thanks

Faff, I'm hoping to stay in our house and buy him out, giving him 50% of the equity. I've had three valuations so know where I stand on that front. Pension wise his is much better than mine, and worth way more than the equity in the house so I am determined that will be split 50/50 also (minus whatever mine is worth). His pension is the only thing he is being difficult about (apart from the whole leaving me for another woman bit). He doesn't see why pensions should come into it. I pointed out that I have had twenty years of shit Christmases and him working weekends which that pension is designed to compensate us both for when he retires (police). He is dragging his feet over getting his CETV though.

He is currently at his parents although I understand spends a fair amount of time at OWs place. Can't see him having the gumption to buy a place so I think my furniture will stay with me for the time being at least.

Cars are another pain in the arse that I don't want to have to face but must I suppose.

Sorry to hear you've struggled today, it's how it goes isn't it? And I hate the irrationality of it. No contact is definitely easier but impossible where children are concerned.

I do want to stay here, yes. It's my home that I've made lots of changes to to get it how it is now. In fact after he left I looked round the house and realised that there was very little of him in it, if you see what I mean. All the decisions on decorating furniture etc I had made on my own because he really wasn't that interested, not important now but I wonder why I was so blind to his behaviour.

I also had a text from him today that made me furious and I almost lost my composure (which I have tried to maintain in front of him throughout) and replied with a lot of swear words. I didn't of course, just had a good cry instead. Arsehole.

I rang my solicitor determined to move things along and to ask her to change the petition to show that we will split the costs between us but neither her or her secretary work on Fridays so that took the wind out of my sails.

Hermione your xh sounds so like mine it's unreal, right down to the insensitivity towards DD and the not understanding how we can be scared of him when he's never been physical.

Yet in spite of that, prior to leaving I would flinch when I heard his key in the door.

faff I saw a bit on SU2C too - certainly puts all this crap into perspective.

I tried watching SU2C but having lost my mum and other close relatives to cancer it proved too much in my current emotionally vulnerable state

Faff do you think you need to ask him those questions that are still bothering you, will you be able to let them go over time without having the answers? Good for you ranting at him, even if it was only a dream. It shows what's in your subconscious doesn't it??

I've had to spend time with STBXH today as DD had a sporting event she wanted us both to be at. He just acts like everything is normal and we can chat. I want to smash his face in. DC are supposed to be staying with him tonight but have said they don't want to, he was upset about that

Hi can I join in here?

My husband left for another woman at the beginning of July, right before summer hols. We'd been together 20 years, with 3 kids including one severely autistic teen. Our youngest is 4. He left me out of the blue for a mutual friend of ours, the mother of a friend of our disabled son. She was married too and I never saw it coming at all.

I'm still in the marital home and he's moved out into rented. I was a SAHM because of our 4 year old and disabled son and he earned a good wage. Now I'm on benefits and he's paying the mortgage. I have seen a solicitor who says a court won't force a sale based on my lack of earning capacity and age/needs of children. So there will be a mesher order on the house and we have to go to mediation to agree a split of everything.

I haven't booked it yet. My head is still all over the place. It's like I'm waiting for the nightmare to end but it doesn't. Some days I'm strong, others so low I can barely function. I can't make decisions. I don't know what to do first. I saw the solicitor for the free half hour a month ago and I've done nothing since.

I thought he was different from other men. That's probably the biggest shock - the total destruction of everything I knew to be real and safe.