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Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

(954 Posts)
Mummylin Wed 02-Jan-19 12:10:21

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Iggiontheedge Wed 02-Jan-19 13:27:00

Thanks for new thread. Hope you’re doing well yourself.

Lovelymonkeyninetynine Wed 02-Jan-19 14:57:14

How are you lolli? My mum died the same day as yours. I'm struggling. The end of New Years, Xmas etc makes it all feel so depressing and hard. I'm also struggling with the constant memories images etc in my head. The memories are good bad and indifferent but I feel like I'm not really present day to day.

poppym12 Wed 02-Jan-19 16:50:42

I'm sorry but glad to have found this thread. My mum died yesterday.

HeronLanyon Wed 02-Jan-19 17:45:15

Poppy so sorry I too found this thread very shortly after my mandied in late November and I have found it helpful to list and receive really lovely support and some good advice.
Really sorry about your mum. It is really tough but you will get through it. flowers

Lovelymonkeyninetynine Wed 02-Jan-19 18:34:06

Sorry for your loss Poppy thanks

spiderlight Wed 02-Jan-19 19:35:18

So sorry, Poppy flowers

My dad's sister has managed to upset me massively this evening. Apparently her two sons' wives - neither of whom had ever met my dad because they live in other parts of the country and are both second wives married relatively recently in very small ceremonies - trump my DP's lovely, lovely parents in terms of sitting in the family car and in the front row with us for the service. DP's parents also live a long way away, but they've made the effort to visit my dad regularly and spent absolutely hours chatting with him over the past twenty years. MIL recently learnt his favourite hymn in Welsh just so she could sing it with him and did several beautiful paintings for his room. FIL told him all about his garden (my dad was a very keen gardener) and brought him home-grown fruit and vegetables all the time. And yet they are somehow less 'family' than two people who've literally never clapped eyes on him. My in-laws are such lovely people that I know they won't mind and will happily sit behind us for the sake of not having an atmosphere on the day, but I am so cross with myself for not standing up to her on the phone earlier. She's quite scary at the best of times (think Hyacinth Bouquet on steroids) and I just don't have the strength at the moment for a fight that I know my dad wouldn't want me to have, but 'family' to me (and to my dad) is more about actions and about time spent with a person than about who's married to whom. I have also apparently chosen the wrong type of minister. Silly me chose a minister from the church my father was affiliated with, who knew him and had visited him regularly at his nursing home, but who is apparently not 'high church' enough for his sister's liking. Gah. Dreading Friday even more now because I know she'll find a way to have a dig at me.

spiderlight Wed 02-Jan-19 19:36:07

Sorry - that turned into a bit of a rant! blush

CherryBlossom23 Wed 02-Jan-19 20:10:32

Anyone have any tips on how to deal with friends complaining about trivial things as if they were the worst thing ever. Since mum died I find I have absolutely no patience for this kind of thing - keep wanting to say "at least your mum is still alive!" Don't want to be a crap friend though.

HeronLanyon Wed 02-Jan-19 20:12:47

Oh spiderlight I am sending whatever strength I can to you. I have had very small inklings if similar from one of my siblings (I am the executor) who is starting to question things in very mean spirited way. I am quickly developing an ability ( not wholly natural I have to admit) of rising above and remembering that my ma would not have wanted a scene and would have understood I was doing my best and the right thing etc.
People do sometimes behave very oddly just when we are least able to deal with it best !
Good luck for the funeral. You know the truth about things - that’s all that matters. flowers

Usethedoor Wed 02-Jan-19 20:16:50

Hello everyone. Am so sorry for all your losses. My lovely mum died 8 weeks ago after a weeks illness. Life has changed beyond recognition, the happiness has gone from my life and miss her terribly. I don’t feel present although functioning, feel am looking at the world through a window. My elderly father is bereft and us three siblings are not near and have jobs kids of our own. Am not sure have even started grieving as going up and down to dad is exhausting and emotional being in the house without mum. My heart goes out to all of you, it’s like being in a club no one wants to be in but reading this thread is supportive.

Mummylin Wed 02-Jan-19 20:40:15

Cherry it is very tough and it seems that some people just don't get it. If they haven't gone through the heartache of losing one if their parents, others really have no idea how soul destroying it actually is. I would not waste your time getting involved in mundane things at the moment. Compared to your loss everything will be trivial to you at the moment, but they jùst won't see it. 💐
Poppy i am so sorry for your loss, but glad you have found us and maybe we will help you a little bit at this awful time in your life. I know
how earth shattering it is and for a while it us do hard to believe it's happened. I would wake in the morning and feel normal, until 20 seconds later when it would hit me, that yes it's true.
I hope you have good rl support around you, it's odd but this is sometimes when you find out who your real friends are. Don't worry about the next few weeks for now, just get by day by day, that is enough to cope with. 💐
Spider how upsetting that is. It's almost like people like to be seen as doing the most grieving , despite hardly knowing the person who has died. How would your brothers take it if you had a word with them ? Maybe you don't want to do this.events like this can always bring out the best and the worst in people, just when you are not in the frame of mind to cope with it all.
We had something similar but I sorted it beforehand. My sister and her dh are very touch feely all the bloody time and have to be together. But I knew what was going to happen so I told her there would not be enough room for all of our dh / wives ( 5 of us siblings ) and they would have to go in the row behind us. After all her dh was no more important than the rest of the inlaws and her and her dh hadn't even been married that long whereas most of the rest of us been married years and knew mum very well. Luckily my sister took it well and understood the situation. It's difficult 💐

Mummylin Wed 02-Jan-19 20:47:52

Usethe I understand how you feel, I too felt like you, everything that I used to find amusing suddenly I had no sense of humour anymore, I didn't look forward to anything, nothing made me happy , no time even my own children and gc. My dh quite frankly got on my nerves at times. But eventually I was able to laugh again and once again appreciate my family. It took a bit of time for my spirits to lift, but eventually they did. They will for you too, but it all takes time and grief cannot be rushed. We are all different as well, some recover quicker than others, some never really get over it, but we all cope at some point. You will be ok 💐

spiderlight Wed 02-Jan-19 20:56:50

Mummylin - it's not my brothers' wives (I'm an only child) - it's my cousins' wives. My cousins have both already said they'll happily all go in one of their own cars, but their mum (my dad's brother) simply must have them all with her, wives included hmm

So sorry for your loss, Usethedoor. I was in the same position when we lost my mum 13 years ago, having to travel back and forth to support my dad, and it really is exhausting. flowers

Mummylin Wed 02-Jan-19 21:25:02

Oh sorry spider I misunderstood. Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone gave a bit more thought to things st times like these. I hope it will work out ok for you.

Usethedoor Wed 02-Jan-19 21:36:54

Thank you mummylinand spider. It really is so hard isn’t it?
I am back at work, and have my own health issues too. Sadly siblings are trying to take over running of parents house, organising weekends they will visit without telling me etc. They have very diffent personalities to me as I was more like mum. Spider one of my siblings behaved very badly the week mum was in hospital and again at the funeral and most recently on NYE. I would say to you be true to yourself and stick to what you know is right. It will help you greatly. Telling yourself you are rising above silly behaviour is a good thing too. poppy, my heart goes out to you. You will be in a daze for a few days no doubt but that will allow you to get practical things done. Use the good people you have around you that are offering genuine help and although it may sound trivial, eat and drink even if you just graze.
Mummylin it seems my siblings are already getting over things which makes me question that I am not grieving “ quick enough”. But you’re right, we are all different, am glad you were able to laugh again.
Am so glad I found this thread, am definitely not alone. Big hug to you all

Usethedoor Wed 02-Jan-19 21:43:44

cherry I would totally agree with mummylin, try not to get involved, I found this hard too and still do. I tore up all Christmas cards that people had written have a happy Christmas in, even though they knew about mum. People will not get it. They are simply getting on with their lives because they have no idea of the impact of your loss. I got invited to a friends birthday a week after losing mum from a friend who knew what had happened. Needless to say I didn’t rsvp! Stay strong and just take a step back for now.

spiderlight Wed 02-Jan-19 22:44:28

People can be spectacularly insensitive sometimes sad I found that people didn't know what to write in Christmas cards, although we got a lot of 'Thinking of you' type messages rather than 'Merry Christmas'. I didn't put any of them up this year at all though, apart from special ones from my DS and DH.

Lovemycat1 Thu 03-Jan-19 00:16:53

Usethedoor, yes! I seem to have spent all my time and energy looking after my step Dad and don’t feel I have grieved properly myself. Then it’s back to work and looking after the children and normality. Yet it’s not normality- wonderful Mum isn’t here! X

FlamingGoat Thu 03-Jan-19 06:49:07

Cherry I know what you mean. I've become very impatient with people (especially clients) and their trivia.

Had a bit of a wobble this morning when I found my last birthday card from Mum. I've still got the boots she bought me when I was down in June unopened. I told her I'd keep them for Christmas and they are still boxed up .

CherryBlossom23 Thu 03-Jan-19 07:57:31

Thanks Mummylin and Usethedoor. Yes I suppose I do just need to step back and try to ignore it. I've always been an emphatic person though so hopefully this impatience is just temporary and my brain hasn't been totally rewired!

Usethedoor Thu 03-Jan-19 08:28:11

Morning all, flaming , I can totally understand, I lost mum a few days before a ‘special’ birthday of mine. That day was awful. Probably worse than the immediate couple of days after she died. I then found a birthday card she had bought for me but not written in. She always bought them in advance and birthdays were a big deal for her. Not hearing her voice on the phone that morning was painful. However, I have now dealt with the ‘first’ birthday, xmas and new year. I am hoping it gets easier as we mark each of these events. You will have wobbles. I hope one day you will open those gorgeous boots and feel you can wear them with a smile knowing she thinking of only you when she bought them. flowers

HeronLanyon Thu 03-Jan-19 08:56:25

Use the door. Very similar here. My ma died early the day before a big birthday of mine. I found her card to me in her kitchen - envelope addressed and stamped card not yet written and ‘post card’ on a list of things she planned to do that day. I Treasure the empty card and envelope. Burst into tears when I saw it. So sorry you have had similar. flowers

Usethedoor Thu 03-Jan-19 09:12:11

heron am so very sorry, how awful it was the day before. Yes, treasure that card, I have decided I will put mine up each birthday from now on as it gave me comfort in a strange way. I hope you get some comfort knowing she was thinking of you when she bought that card for you flowers

poppym12 Thu 03-Jan-19 09:15:47

Thank you for your nice words. I really appreciate it. I'm exhausted. Looking after mum, making decisions whilst my dad and sister were flapping around in denial and then being the only one with her at the very end has taken its toll.
Now I'm needing to be with my dad most of the time. I have ME. I'm physically and mentally broken and can't do any more.

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