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Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

(992 Posts)
Mummylin Thu 01-Feb-18 18:29:08

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

ChristmasLightLover Thu 01-Feb-18 21:09:55

Thank you for being so welcoming Mummylin - truly touched by the love shown by people who I wasn't expecting to hear from and a bit sad to not have heard from people I would have. Then panicking that I'm being too super sensitive. And over thinking. I'd really like to slow down the volume and speed at which my brain is going at the moment. I've already read option B so I know this isn't a permanent situation. But still, hard to accept being in it and it being so intense at the moment. Am off to read the old thread. Could be gone for some time.....

Clarabell100 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:07:20

It’s now over a week since my dad passed and I’m now able to go a few hours in between cries. So that’s progress. One step at a time. The funeral is tomorrow and I’m feeling sick about it. The body went to the chapel tonight and as soon as I seen the hearse I just broke down - I thought I’d be ok tonight and had even ambitiously worn eyeliner!

I feel so ungrateful saying this but I’m findin myself resenting people texting me all the time. I feel like I’m trying to reply to about 20 texts a day with all the same stuff. I should be happy to have people caring about me but instead I’m getting annoyed. I think it’s because I’m trying to keep things together and messaging just makes that harder. How am I ever going to go back to work if I feel like this about a few text messages?

Rozzles Thu 01-Feb-18 22:25:30

Oh clarabell big hugs for tomorrow. I found the funeral a strange day, and weirdly nice to see so many people from all aspects of mum's life. It's just horrible that the person central to it all is absent. As for texts and messages, anyone who matters will completely understand if you don't reply, at all- you need to look out for yourself. Take them as kind thoughts being sent your way without any expectation of a reply. Good luck and big hugs for tomorrow xx

Rozzles Thu 01-Feb-18 22:37:15

@Hotpinkangel19 oh my goodness you poor thing. That sounds absolutely horrendous to deal with during your pregnancy, and with no siblings/other family for support. Was this your first baby too? I hope you find some comfort from her and you're managing ok- the first few baby weeks are hard enough already. I hate that I sometimes feel jealous around the PIL, or even when i see someone spending time with their mum... it doesn't feel like me! Xxx

MyGuideJools Thu 01-Feb-18 23:20:04

hotpink I'm sorry you're struggling. it must be such an emotional time. maybe you could tell us all about your baby girl? I work with babies but never tire of themsmile
clarabellflowers I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can. Funnily, I've not worn mascara since my dad died as I was scared of it running down my face!
christmas sorry you had to join us, it's a painful time. look after yourself and your mumflowers
I've been plodding on, only having tears occasionally now, but watched a funeral on east enders last night and someone read a poem and I was sobbing my heart out, sat all by myself, using the tea towel as a hankyconfused
You never know when the grief will hit. I bought some daffodils today to put by dads photo, can't believe it's almost 5 monthssad

Timeforachange68 Sat 03-Feb-18 17:32:12

I think that's one of the saddest things about my mum's funeral - all the people she held dear in one room, my dad even commented how much she would have enjoyed it! I knew what he meant smile

ChristmasLightLover Sat 03-Feb-18 19:46:08

Clarabell, how did it go yesterday? My Dad's funeral is next Thursday. I totally know what you mean re the messages. I have taken to replying with a kiss. I don't have words.

I am so tired. But not sleepy when I want to be. We are all - my Mum, my boys, me and DH struggling with sore throats. I know it's to be expected but just ???? really ??? Have we not had enough?

Thinking of everyone I am reading of on these threads.

scaussie75 Sun 04-Feb-18 00:10:45

The biggest resentment I had when daughters dad was dying then died was folk texting or demanding to see him before he died, demanding to see us after. I know it was well meaning but it was stressful feeling like I better respond during a stressful situation, dd and I could not show grief with all the unexpected attention . There is no book on what or where to say things to those grieving. I guess it's because we all deal with it differently and even we cannot say when a text will be appreciated and comforting or resented from one minute to the next. I do think after our experience, it is best to start any text with "No need to respond..." and don't ask questions to the folk directly involved, ask someone on the peripheral.

PJ04JCW Sun 04-Feb-18 09:24:48

Here for mum died three weeks ago and the funeral isn’t until next Fri 16th (logistics/slot for burial/etc). My son (nearly 7) wants to go and see her at the funeral home which I am fine with (I will see her before he does) but I’m worried how much her body will have decomposed? She died of metastatic breast cancer and multiple organ failure. Can anyone please advise?

Fosterdog123 Sun 04-Feb-18 21:13:03

Well it's quite some time since I posted on here. 3 years since mum died and almost 2 since dad died. Still find it incredibly difficult. Still find it hard to accept that they're gone. Still feel like I'm drowning when I dwell on the fact that they're gone for good and I will never see them again (and I don't believe in any kind of after-life, so I don't get to see them there either!). Bereavement sucks.

picklemepopcorn Sun 04-Feb-18 21:45:15

PJ04, I would say ask the funeral director. They will know what condition she is in. If they say she can be seen, then definitely go first on your own before deciding whether to take DS. I've heard an terrible story, where people should never have been allowed to view.

I lost dad two weeks ago tomorrow. I'm trying to support mum, but she makes it quite difficult. The funeral isn't until 20th, so quite a wait, due to logistics.

Mummylin Sun 04-Feb-18 22:55:13

So sorry for all the new posters on here, but it's heartwarming to see that you are all supporting each other.
It's my birthday tomorrow, but it's also my sisters who died at age 26 so it's a mixed day. Of course I took her flowers today and my mum who is buried right next door to my sister. It's just so upsetting to see bothe their names on their headstones. And on a Tuesday it is the anniversary of my lovely grans death, so not a good time at the moment, so I fully empathise with all of you.
For people with funerals still to face, it is an ordeal, but strangely it usually turns out not as awful as we fear. I think it helps a lot afterwards to have friends and family to chat to, hope all will go well.
PJ as others have said, I would do as others have advised, go yourself and see what you think. 💐

PJ04JCW Sun 04-Feb-18 23:00:58

Thanks pickle and mummylin; I emailed the funeral director to ask if we could go tomorrow so I will check how she is when he replies. I wasn't sure what words to use but 'condition' is a good one, thank you.
Love to all who are suffering and sad at this hard time flowers

MyGuideJools Mon 05-Feb-18 07:52:43

thinking about everyone with funerals and anniversaries coming up, ⚘⚘

picklemepopcorn Mon 05-Feb-18 08:05:04

Mummylin, what a bad time of year for you. thanks I hope you get some enjoyment out of celebrating your birthday.

Hotpinkangel19 Mon 05-Feb-18 12:07:05

To all those in the horrible limbo of waiting for the funeral... I found this one of the hardest parts. Sorry you're all in this situation. Xx

@MyGuideJools This is Poppy Rose. She's 3 weeks old today. I love her so much, and I know mum and dad would have too x

picklemepopcorn Mon 05-Feb-18 15:40:12

Ah, what a poppet!

I'm not finding this bit too hard- I've been mourning him so long already.

I will find supporting my mum long term hard, and when she leaves the house he built and we won't be able to keep all the furniture he made, that will be hard. He literally bled into that house, and lived in it for 30 years.

MyGuideJools Mon 05-Feb-18 16:18:47

Hotpinkangel what a cutie! those gorgeous big eyes😍
You must be so proud, I'm sure your parents live on in her. Thank You for sharing xx

whatisforteamum Mon 05-Feb-18 18:34:11

Hotpink such a cute.pic.So sorry for all the new losses and I'm sending you strength.I booked Mum birthday off in Feb as. it was their wedding anniversary too.
Love to all on here.I can't believe almost.5 months has since Dad left us.

PJ04JCW Mon 05-Feb-18 22:09:49

Quick update; we went to see Mum today and she looked ok so I took my son in. He wouldn't touch her but he said goodbye to her which I hope helped him. Funeral next Friday which I am strangely looking forward to as a chance to see her friends and celebrate her life. She was a Christian so I have faith she is in heaven. Mummylin, hope you managed to enjoy your birthday flowers

Clarabell100 Mon 05-Feb-18 22:53:21

Sorry to everyone having a hard time just now. It’s so good to have somewhere to chat.

@christmas The funeral was ok, thank you for asking. I was a nervous wreck all morning but kept my composure til we were outside the church and a friend who lives down south appeared, we grew up together and my dad was like a second dad to her. I didn’t know she was coming and when she hugged me I just went. There was an amazing turn out, we hadn’t printed anywhere near enough order of service books. Lovely service and his lifelong friend did the best eulogy I’ve ever heard.

We had glorious sunshine for the burial which he’d have loved as he was a sun-worshipper. The wake was fantastic even though we’d only catered for half the amount of peoooe who showed up. The venue were fantastic though. Was so chuffed to know that my dad was so well liked and touched so many people and while it was a sad day and I did struggle, it was also a celebration and I was so proud.

And now we have to try to get on with things. This will probably be the most difficult part. We had the funeral as a focus, but now what?

scaussie75 Mon 05-Feb-18 23:48:39

Sorry for everyone grieving flowers. The wait was the hardest part for me, 10 where near as long as mentioned by a lot feels so wrong.
Until he died, I never would have imagined having to wait so long, I can't imagine a 3 or 4 weeks wait. His birthday was in between dying and burial, that didn't help.
Please take comfort that the anxiety from waiting disappeared after the funeral for me and no angry flashbacks about it since.

Somehow you will get through it.

scaussie75 Tue 06-Feb-18 00:19:07

@Fosterdog123 I'm an athiest too. I'm sorry you are struggling.
It's been 2 months since he died.
In between the numbness and raw emotions, I take comfort in my belief that he is still with us, in our hearts, memories and through our daughter.
His presence and energy still live on.

I tapped into therapy a year before he died knowing it would be hard. They helped tremendously, I remember panicking, asking the therapist what I would do if I needed confidence and a shove in the right direction once he wasn't there, he's the only person that has given me this confidence push on tough choices/decisions, well we talked through it. I came to the realisation that he would still be there, a voice in my head, giving me the push. I can hear him now and it's making me smile.

Whether you believe in heaven or not, our loved ones are always with us.
A scientific explanation that gives me great comfort is this....
The Science of Death: The Best Eulogy, According to a Physicist

Big hugs to you xxx

ChristmasLightLover Wed 07-Feb-18 07:53:49

Scaussie - I used to do God based faith as a child and now feel more aligned to something spiritual. I'm looking forward to seeing how and where my Dad makes his presence and support felt to me. We had some big family decisions to make this year and I will miss having conversations with him. My Mum is already talking about looking for feathers. I don't feel like it's that. But not sure what - more of a feeling?

How is everyone else? Interesting to see people and how they carry on - I don't feel right now, like it's all too much to carry on but I'm also scared for funeral tomorrow, that those feelings will come back again.

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