Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Clarabell How are you finding things?

The dean was wonderful according to my sister. I'm avoiding mum at the moment. The funeral is Tuesday, Christmas. We are nearly there, apparently. Flowers ordered etc.

@christmas Thank you for asking. I’m really not sure. I have good days and bad days. I’ve found that the urge to cry is not happening quite so often but the smallest things can still set me off. I went back to work today and that was difficult as people I hadn’t seen wanted to hug me and be nice to me. I found myself having to go for a walk quite a few times. But...I got through the day. Another hurdle overcome.

How are you feeling?

Pickleme - so pleased that you're nearly at the funeral itself. It must feel like you've been waiting forever? I felt like we were in limbo and ours happened 10 days after my Dad died.

Clarabell - I went back to my 'day job' this week. I don't know how I feel about it. It's good to be out of the house. But I really do not know what to think about so many things. Confusing to have so many feelings in such a short space of time.

I listened to a really interesting podcast on grief. It's with comedians and the first one was on someone's experience of their elder brother and suicide. So I was ?? relevant to me ?? And of course, it was so interesting to listen to how death affects people in so many ways.

itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/griefcast/id1178572854?mt=2

Might be of interest to some people?

The thing I do not like at the moment, is going to sleep. Because when I wake up I 'remember' a few seconds later, that my Dad has just died. And it is upsetting. Very upsetting. Not in a sobbing way, but a stop me in my tracks sense! I find it hard to be awake in a morning. I don't like it.

The boys are not talking about their Grandad. I try to keep conversation light and talk about him, but they feel he's not gone, it's just like he's still in the "old folks home" and that it's ok. They are nearly 11 and nearly 10 so they get the concept - it just doesn't feel real.

So that's that. Tired. Confused. What's happening for everyone else?

It was my mum's funeral earlier this week. Before the event I had people contacting me left right and centre checking we were ok. Since the funeral, almost nothing! I'm probably being super sensitive but I can't help feeling a bit hurt. I'm also miffed that a family member travelled up the day before the funeral, didn't attend but drove back home on the actual day as they weren't feeling well. The thing that irks me is that they didn't even have the good manners to contact me to tell me!

whatis that sucks. maybe they just couldn't face it but really bad of them to not tell you!
I found that after the funeral people stopped asking. my aunt, dads sister, phoned me daily but I've not heard from her since. she rang my mum on Xmas eve telling her Xmas will be tough without dad but she will just have to deal with it!
christmas I hate weekends since my dad died. it just feels so wrong that he's not here watching his team or working in his garden.

Bright light. I'm sorry you feel a bit abandoned now.

Christmas, I like being at work in my office job- it's not too challenging and it's out of the house. Just 9 hours a week. My other job is challenging and home based, and I haven't the drive or interest right now.

I'm down in Wales now. It's been ok. She's so tetchy, though. And still so needing all the attention on her.

How are you Mummylin? Feeling any better?

I had to be taken into hospital on sat afternoon. Chest infection rendered me breathless. Was horrible. Resting now at home, dh being excellent, but I'm very weak at the moment. Will be back soon.

mummylin you poor thing. rest up and let DH look after you. we will still be here when you're fit and ready!

Oh bless you! This awful virus is really taking its toll.

Hi all,

I can't believe it's been a year since my lovely Mum passed. It was the anniversary on Feb 1st, I went to see my dad and db we had lots of lighthearted laughter we talked about Mum and in the evening dh and I had dinner with some friends of mine and mums and toasted to her.

I was determined not to make this particular date a sad one, the day she died was devastating enough I didn't want to replicate it.

Christmas was tough, Christmas Eve morning dh woke me up as I was crying in my sleep I was having a dream about Mum always the same dream, she's dying and I am beside myself. I didn't really manage to keep myself together at all and cried pretty much all day until the evening when I had the mother of all breakdowns. Since then I feel I've turned a corner, the waves are less and less and the trauma surrounding mums death doesn't seem to bring me to tears the way it used to.

I've surprised myself at how I've coped this past year as Mum and I were so close and for a long time I felt broken. I just hope this is a new stage for me and I'm not about to get clunked over the head and take 5 steps back.

How is everyone doing?

It must feel good to have survived the first year, well done! You can perhaps feel better about looking forward now.

Yesterday went smoothly. I think mum had what she needed- she saw him being admired and respected, and got to remember his finest qualities.

Now the next phase begins.

Glad all went smoothly pickle I found after mums funeral was over I could start to take steps to take care of myself better. Before that was a weird sort of limbo, she's still here (her body) but I can't see her the way I used to.

I hope your mum got some comfort from yesterday.

I learned yesterday afternoon that my lovely 94 year old Mum had been found dead in her flat earlier that day. I live 300+ miles from her and didn't see her as often as I'd have liked, but I did visit less than a month ago, and spoke to her two days before she passed.

When you have an elderly parent you think that every time you say 'Goodbye' will be the last time you will see them alive. I had rehearsed in my head many times over the years how I might feel when she died. I am surprised at how I feel: there is immense pain, but also a real sense of calm. She lived her life with energy and died the same way. She lived on her own and did all her own cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., and was active right until the end. I am so grateful that she did not suffer; it was her wish that she didn't linger for months in hospital, or a care home, but we don't get to dictate how we go. I guess that she was lucky, and so am I to have had a wonderful Mum in my life for so long. I have just passed m 61st birthday and feel so privileged to have this utterly selfless woman in my life.

My last words to her on Tuesday were 'I love you Mum', and she said, 'I love you too, son.' There will be a huge Mum-sized hole in my life.

If anyone else reading this is in the same boat, please accept my sympathy on your loss.

Oh, XPC! It's never easy, but that sounds as good as it gets. I'm glad you had your good words together, even if you didn't know they were your last.

Hi all, my lovely dad died very suddenly in the early hours of Tuesday morning. He was in bed at the time and my poor Mum had try and revive him with the emergency services talk her through it on the phone. Paramedics took over but he was gone. He was only 62 and they’d been together since they were 15 so she’s devastated - he was her world. Me and my sister both live over 100 miles away and have small children so we’re taking turns sleeping over but I don’t know what to do long term. They have no savings and she won’t be able to pay the mortgage alone

Oh Emma! I'm so sorry- what a shock for you all. I have no advice re her circumstances, but there are a fair few advisors out there.

There are ways to save on funerals, I believe, if you would be comfortable with that. There is no requirement to use a funeral director etc.

Emma, I'm so sorry to read your sad news. That must have been so frightening for your Mum. And stretching for you and your sister, to be there with your Mum. I definitely suggest getting in touch with dept work and pensions as a starting point. Your Mum may well get some of your Dad's pension. Even if he'd not claimed it yet. We're here, for practical and emotional support. And just to hear your 'random thoughts'. It's been nearly one month since my Dad died and it still does not feel real. But we're all here together.

XPC, I'm so sorry to read your sad news. I spent so long preparing for my Dad to die. And then when he did, it was still a huge shock. It's good that you had a good talk with your Mum. I hope it brings comfort. We're here when you want to share or for anything else, for that matter!

xpc and emma what a shock for you both. You are in my thoughts.

For some reason these last few days I've been tormenting myself about dads last hours in hospital (he died in September) The way he kept trying to remove his oxygen mask as tho he wanted to speak, even tho he was too weak to speak. I feel so bad that he wanted to tell me something it actually makes me cry thinking about it.

I've just found this thread and it's comforting to know that others are feeling the same.

My dad died suddenly a week ago today. He had been unwell on and off for years but had always recovered. On this occasion he didn't. I got a frantic phone call from my mum around this time last Sunday saying that dad had collapsed and the paramedics were with him but she thought he was already dead. I got over there as soon as I could which took about half an hour. The amazing paramedics were still working on him in the corridor outside my parents' flat. There was an unimaginable array of equipment, machines, cases of lord-knows- what and four paramedics taking turns doing CPR. It was a terrible sight and one I'll never forget. They kept going until extra help arrived and then they transferred him to hospital. By this time they'd been there about forty minutes. Mum and I followed the ambulance in my car and we arrived at the hospital as it did. They rushed dad into a resuscitation room and led us into a relatives room, but within a few minutes, a consultant came in and told us to go through to the crash room as they were giving up and turning the machine off. Mum and I held his hands and that was it.

The post mortem showed that he had pneumonia (something which he'd fought off four times previously). He was 71.

The funeral is still eight days away and I'm dreading it. I've coped pretty well all week but today I've felt terrible, sort of physically drained. My youngest DD (7) broke down last night when she saw a photo of her grandad. My older DD (12) is yet to react much, but she was the same three years ago when my DFiL died. She bottled it up until the funeral.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I'll no doubt post again before long. Thanks for listening.

Jools I don't know if it is of any comfort but I have something similar. We'd been waiting for a call from the care home - my Dad had dementia and was unwell - we all thought it was a UTI. I said no to antibiotics as my Dad was in bed and not well at all. He did not want to be in a bed, being rolled every two hours, eating pureed food. I knew my Dads wishes. I know that he would have been mortified by the things that came with it. I know he didn't want to be in a home. I know on so many levels that we did the right thing. And yet, all he had was paracetamol. The day that the GP came to discuss palliative care - introducing morphine - he had the 'surge' and was awake and trying to speak! Nothing that made sense, but trying to speak and make jokes. This lasted for a few hours. I thought "well, he's rallying, I'll go and do the school run!!!"

Wednesday was the last time he opened his eyes to me. He died on the Sunday morning at 06:25. We were called at 6:20 to say his breathing had changed. He'd gone before I even got to leave the house. I am full of what if, why and regret about this. I had a plan for what would happen when we got the call, that there would be at least 12 hours of our sitting with him. I had a plan! I am so full of sadness at how it all unfolded. I did it all right, for so many months. And to miss out on being with my Dad as he died, it just makes me so sad.

Minty I'm so sorry that you are joining us. You must have been terrified. That sounds like such a difficult, words don't do it justice experience. I'm so sorry. We did the funeral within 10 days. I couldn't bear the thought of waiting for it. I don't know if that was a good thing or not. I know that it is what it is. It just makes me so sad. And I imagine you will, like so many of us, be having those flash backs to his actual passing. I am hopeful that my Dad's last week will not be as vivid in time. That I'll be able to replace them with better memories. I am so hopeful for us all. Keep posting. Keep sharing it here.

Thinking of everyone else. Including MummyLin who started us all together here, hope you are feeling better?

So sorry to all the new posters.
Glad to say I seem at last to be on the road to recovery and hopefully will soon be back to normal.
💐💐💐 for you all

glad you are feeling better mummylin
Thanks christmas I know what you mean⚘