Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

bluehawaii sorry you've had to join us. that's so tough, your mum was young, it must have been a shock so soon after losing your dad. It's very early days, be ki d to yourself⚘
My Thoughts are with everyone missing their mum today.
mummylin I hope you make a speedy recovery.
I'm wondering if I'm suffering with anxiety. I don't feel anxious but have palpitations on and off and can't seem to relax, but I'm always tired!
I am constantly thinking about my dad and worry about my mum.🤔

First Mother's Day without you Mum.

Same here do2little it's tough isn't it?

Same here ☹️ I miss her so much

Have been thinking of everyone on this thread today. Whether your Mum is still here or it's your Dad who has died, it feels like a day where emotion has been really hanging in the air.

Separately, today is six weeks since my Dad died. Only six weeks. But feels like a lifetime. Am going to bed and hoping to not have the 'shit fit' that I have had for several Sunday nights because it's horrible for me and my Husband to fight at bedtime. It's not his fault but I get really sad and frightened. I hate it. So tonight, it's going to be different. See you in the morning lovely people.

I'm finding it very hard having young (grieving) children, a (grieving, traumatized) DH in one house and my Mum who is obviously devastated at my Dad's death in another. Luckily we live close by, but I still feel torn. I think it will get even worse when I inevitably have to go back to work.

At least planning the funeral is giving us lots to do...

Blue I'm so sorry for your losses and hotpink this must have been a hard day for you.My heart goes out to everyone getting through today.My Dad died six months ago today.I couldn't see my Mum as I was on 13/ hour day.I sent wishes and my dh with cards and presents.. Xx

Thank God Sunday is done. Had massive row with DD1 last night, said some very nasty things. Can't believe the rage. Will apologise and have lots of hugs. Very difficult when I don't know what I am feeling let alone understanding an 11 year olds grief. Already a week today that I lost my mum

Ah, moomeg.

Jules, that sounds like me a while ago, it was thyroid though. Could be anxiety too, but see GP.

I hope today is a better day for you all, less pressured, more normal. Some hot chocolate to start you all off...

Sending all of you much love. I wasn’t expecting to find Mothers Day so hard, we don’t normally make much fuss. But as I only have my Mum left now I wanted it to be special. But going out to dinner was hard as there was an empty chair where my Dad should have been. Plus her recent diagnosis of Alzheimer’s has made me worry even more about her. I won’t see her now for 6 weeks because we live so far apart so I worry about her all the time. It’s exhausting.

I’m taking my 2 year old daughter out for lunch today to do something fun 🥪☕️🍭

popcorn thanks, that's interesting. I guess a trip to the gp would be sensible

Does anyone know any books that would help prepare children for a funeral? I'm thinking a bit like the books you can get about a new baby, going to the dentist, starting school that you can read through with the child and help them understand what will happen?
Ideally one about Church funeral, burial and heaven...

vienesse
I recommend;
'The bug cemetery' by Francis Hill
'Tell me Papa' by Joy Johnson
'What happens when someone dies' by Michealeena Mundy
'Badgers parting gifts' by Susan Varley

Have a Google and see what best suits the age group, I think they're all good in different ways. ⚘⚘

Badgers parting gifts made me cry...

I thought I prepared mine (21 &17) for the funeral. Eldest has ASD so won't have noticed anything around funerals. So I explained the coffin would be in a car in front of us. We'd all follow it. We'd walk behind it to the church. Then we'd go to the crem. He looked a bit confused as we left the crem. Apparently, I neglected to explain that we don't actually stay and watch.

Thank you so much. Very helpful.

Oh Pickle, I am feeling meh and struggling to find my mojo. Your "I neglected to say we don't stay and watch" has made me properly laugh and smile. Thank you. Brilliant. Life is brilliant.

Our youngest, 9. Nearly 10. No dignosis or anything needed according to Psychologist we paid for assesment. But still his thinking and thoughts and ?? his processing. Once he's in his bed, every few days, he starts wailing for his Grandad. And it's hard to be near. Harder to console. And impossible to manage. Which is of course what DH wants to do. DH is ?? but surely we did that conversation last Tuesday ?? Why would we do it again ?? So that's an interesting place to be in.

And of course, my DH's Grandad, the Great Grandad of our boys, is now in the process of dying. So we have that to come within the next few days. Not looking forward to that.

Meh. I really need to work. I need to find my mojo. Will it be in croissants???

I've not seen my mojo for a while. I've looked in wine, chocolate, tonight I'm looking in a Chinese takeaway. Maybe our mojos have run off together? In the meantime, I'm enjoying looking!

Have you asked DS what he wants to tell you, or what he wants you to tell him, to help him feel better?

Can I ask for some opinions? My Junior school aged children are coming to the funeral. I can't decide whether it's ok for them to come to the burial part or not though?

I can't believe how busy and stressful planning a funeral is. I feel permanently exhausted. Although that could be because I'm not going to sleep until I reach passing out phase. I just can't allow myself to think about the massive hole, so keeping busy and exhausted is a way to do that. No idea how I'll manage when I have to return to work next week.

I think it really depends on them and on how other people will be. It isn't nice for them to see distressing behaviour from adults, if there is anyone prone to dramatic outbursts. It could either help you to cope by distracting you, or prevent you grieving by distracting you!

I'd talk it over with them throughly, and perhaps ask a friend to be on standby to take them away if they want to leave.

Viennese- Yes. That. Funerals are utterly draining to organise. Totally with you on that. Good thoughts from Pickle re someone on standby.

We told our boys that their Great Grandad died last night. We're not sat here sobbing. It's different. He was 99. Asleep. At home in his bed. So all was peaceful. We're drawing out the differences between him and my Dad's death. Great for them. Not as much for me.

Does anyone else struggle with macabre - if that's the word - thoughts? I wasn't with my Dad as he died. He had dementia. And sounds like it was a stroke or heart attack. That's the GP's thoughts from the description from the nurse manager at the home. I think about it a lot. Sometimes feels like intrusive thoughts wanting to get air time! I took anti depressants for nine years. Until last Summer. So pleased to be off them but am still unsure as to what is 'normal' !!! There's no guide book. No manual. Counselling once a week is good. But not sure about my brain sometimes. Any thoughts??

Interesting one... I do get intrusive thoughts, mine are more the 'is my son in that ambulance' or 'everyone must hate me' kind. I ignore them- don't speculate on them, don't justify or argue with them, just ignore them. They slowly come less often.

Re Dad and his death, I have a worry about his pain relief the two days before he died because he went so quickly when the Dr came back in on Monday. Again, I ignore that thought. It isn't helpful. I choose to trust the professional carers, who truly did care and have a lot of experience. My mum and aunt had concerns about his body, how it was kept, etc. My aunt satisfied her concern by going to see him at the funeral home. I encouraged mum to preserve the memory we had from being with him while he died, and being able to cuddle him when he had gone.

Does that help with knowing what is normal?

I don't think there is a 'normal' in this situation. My DS is 20 and luckily for him I suppose, he'd never been to a funeral until my dad's (his beloved grandad) He obviously knew about funerals/crems but at the crematorium after the ceremony when we all filed out to see the flowers he was inconsolable, sobbed his little heart out. I don't think we know how anyone will react on the day.
As for intrusive thoughts, yes I have to block them out or i would be a mess.
My dad's last 2 days were so sad, there's lots of what ifs but I can't let myself go there. I'm getting better, but torture myself that he died in hospital which was his worse fear. It's tough, even 6 months on.
I can see how it could bring someone down a spiral of depression. I try not to go there.

I just wrote a big story there, cried buckets while I was typing it, then lost it.

to everyone in pain this evening.

Thanks for the new thread mummylin. I hope you are on the road to recovery.

I feel really calm now, like my mum is here with me, saying "I know it's hard sweetheart, have a cry, then get up an go on. It's all we can do."

I am struggling so much, 15 months down the line. I am so grateful to have had the best mum I could have wished for, even if we both annoyed each other, some people don't get that.

Oh JB, what a shame. I'm glad you are feeling a bit calmer now, though.

Hello, I'm joining you all. I lost my Mum Friday two days ago.
My Dad has been quite unwell in a nursing home for three years, and wasn't expected to survive this long - he has but is in an awful condition. No quality to life with physical immobility and dementia.
Then mum got unwell before Christmas and stopped eating. She gave up on life. On 20 February she moved to the nursing home where Dad is, and she died Friday 16 March. I was there from Thursday (also my 'special' birthday), and stayed Thursday night at the home, and was with her when she passed away Thursday evening. In shock.
Not sure how long Dad has. Somehow Mum's illness snuck up on me. Quite shocked - didn't think she'd go first.
I've had a tough three years visiting Dad regularly and helping my mum increasingly. I fear that I helped her so much in practical terms - in the weeks before she went to the nursing home I was constantly dealing with crisis or day to day stuff. I feel I neglected her emotional needs. So busy dealing with keeping her safe and trying to keep her well. I work and have 2 DC. I think this is normal, I hope the guilt fades. Everyone says I've been wonderful and given so much but it doesn't feel like it right now.
I'm sorry for everyone who has to come on here.