Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Hi everyone, sorry to hear about your losses.
I lost my mum recently and am really struggling with how I feel. I feel nothing at the moment, it’s as if I’ve not taken on board that she’s gone or still in shock. I keep thinking it’s going to hit me and I’m going to collapse with grief. I’ve been non stop with work and the DC since the funeral so have been distracted. Has anyone else experienced this??

Can I please join? I lost my mum a few months ago and its tough. I lost my dad 12 years ago, and I thought having been through that I'd be somewhat prepared, but it's hit me hard. I'm an only child so perhaps that's a factor, but it's breaking my heart. The only thing keeping me going is my children, I'd be lost if it weren't for them. I completely understand that feeling of numbness Spring, it took me a good while to feel. I put it down to the brains way of coping with the enormity of the grief?xx

Hello Spring it may be as you have said and the shock is making you not register properly what has happened. I think as the days pass , the reality will reach you and it will hit you then. I was much the same when I lost my mum.
It's a horrible horrible time for anyone and very hard to accept what has happened. I hope you have RL support as it can be invaluable to help you through this very sad time. 💐
Ffs of course you are very welcome here, although I'm sad for you that you are. I think possibly you are correct, the brain tries to protect us at times of stress, just nature's way I think. But of course we all of us in the end have to face up,to things and it hurts, a lot.
I see that you have no siblings, so I hope you have some good friends who can support you, it really helps, but this thread is here if you need a shoulder or anything.
For now just get through each day As it comes along. 💐

Sadly I have a common bond with you, I lost my dad just over 2 weeks ago, funeral next week.

I don't like remembering again, I don't like realising again and I don't like saying it out loud, telling people because then it has actually happened.

Why is it that during the day I feel ok (ish) a bit preoccupied but ok, then at night it becomes an insistent thought that won't leave me alone?

Sorry. I may not reply to you, I'm tired and want to crawl into bed.
I just wanted to write that all down.

Sorry, to all the folk joining us here.

I found my dad's illness and then death exhausting. However, how you mourn depends so much on the circumstances. My dad was diagnosed as terminally ill at the end of 2016, and lasted much longer than expected. I did my grieving in advance, so when we lost him it wasn't so overwhelming, for me.

That said, I live at a distance so he wasn't in my day to day life, which also makes it easier.

Be kind to yourselves, and don't beat yourself up however you react.

Thanks for the replies everyone. And thanks mummylin I do have RLF support although after the funeral people seem to have stopped bothering! That was only a few weeks ago!
Pickleme I am hoping that what you say is why I’m not feeling totally devastated because I grieved a lot before my mum actually died.
Although I realise it could still hit me. I want to prepare myself for the enormity of the realisation that my mum’s gone but maybe I don’t need to do that? Or I can’t do that anyway, because how do you prepare?
My DD (8) is devastated and has been crying at night and I think, why aren’t I doing that? I’m used to being the strong one though and just getting on with things, that’s just my nature. I don’t want to sit and watch videos and look at photos of my mum which my DB seems to want to do.
I know my mum wouldn’t have wanted us all to be wallowing round! She was strong right until the end, why is right for me to break down now? I don’t think it it?

I was devastated Christmas 2016, and again each time he failed a little more or had another set back. By the time he left us, I was simply relieved. Sad, but not devastated.

I said goodbye to dad so many times. Sometimes when I was leaving him to come home and didn't know for sure he'd live till next visit, sometimes by his bedside, and then he pulled through. I said it as I cuddled him before and after his death. I said it again when I was writing his eulogy and obituary. And then when I spoke at his funeral. He was a wonderful man, but I don't have many tears left now.

It is fine not to fall apart- it doesn't mean you didn't love her. And it's fine to fall apart, should that happen at some point. I expect I'll grieve for him again at the next funeral I go to, and on Father's Day and on his birthday. There are so many chances to grieve, take each one as an opportunity but don't feel pressured right now.

Hello. I lost my mom on Sunday. I am doing okay, expressing my emotions to my husband and my brothers and dad, but I have no interest in meeting up with well meaning friends who keep offering, it just doesn't appeal to me. I completely understand the weariness of feeling like you have to reply to 20 text messages a day, and I too feel ungrateful. I also feel incredibly irrationally angry at my in laws as they are making jokey conversation on a group chat about the snow. I know life goes on and she was my mum not theirs but it's making me very irritated..

I cry, but not constantly. I am struggling with the thought of her body in a hospital morgue. I don't like the image.

I feel like sometimes I feel ok and then I feel guilty that it's only been three days and sometimes I feel okay. It's such a complex set of emotions. Guilt, relief (she was starting to suffer before she passed), sadness, loss, and I'm wondering about afterlife and faith. I was raised catholic in school but never practiced after that. I believe in God and I so desperately want to believe she is happy now. But I'm still figuring it all out.

Just feels good to write that down x

Keep talking Blondie, if it helps. I'm still completely flat. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. I have a one day a week job which I'm fine about, but my other day working from home and people outside my immediate family- well, I'm just not interested.

I really need to get moving soon- I've done no housework other than cooking, and I just generally slob about all day. I'm very privileged to be able to. But I really need to get going at some point.

Blondie. sorry for your loss. they are perfectly normal feelings. I sometimes just wanted to tell everyone to piss off! Then felt really guilty. I just needed to be on my own to think about dad.
I still get times like this, 6 months on.
Be kind to yourself and do what makes you feel better. It's a cliche but it all takes time

Hi All, I haven’t felt the need to post for a while, not since Christmas. I lost my Dad suddenly in June and to start with I was devastated but slowly life has gone on. But this weekend I miss him so much. I’ve had a terrible few weeks with my mum being diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s and the last week I’ve had flu. I’ve never felt so ill and still haven’t recovered. I wonder whether all of that has made me miss Dad. Also I found myself getting upset about the snow, because normally Dad and I would have sent each other texts of the snow because we live 180 miles away. And he’s not here anymore for me to share photos of my kids in the snow. I’m feeling very sorry for myself 😢

I don't want to join you, but I have to and I feel so alone. My Dad died yesterday suddenly and unexpectedly. My Mum is destroyed. I've got primary children so DH has look after them and their grief and they miss me. I have to stay with my Mum and be strong for her. My sister is here, but lives 100 miles away and can only stay tonight because she has a child too. I have to bear it by myself after that and I'm useless and can't cope. I can't have feelings because I'll be overwhelmed and then can't help my mum. I don't know how to do it. And he has so many things everywhere and I don't know what to do about them. I don't know what to do about his toothbrush.

VienneseFingers I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. But you are not alone, we are here to help. I was in exactly your situation last June. I’m an only child and had to do everything myself. My husband was looking after our kids aged 5 and 2 180 miles away and my Mum didn’t know what to do. My advice is to accept that it is perfectly ok how you are feeling. I felt so scared and alone and overwhelmed by my feelings. I couldn’t sleep for days and cried constantly.
Don’t worry about your Dad’s things. My mum and I cleaned out Dad’s things a few weeks after he’d died, but other friends have told me they didn’t do it for weeks. I have a big box full of my Dad’s things which I look in often.

It's much too soon to worry about the practical things, Viennese. Take a big breath and cry together. It's ok.
When you are ready, check key things like her housing and income. If that is secure, then everything else can wait.
The registrar was great when we registered dad's death.
That and the funeral are the only immediate practicalities.

Just breathe and mourn and let the rest wait.

viennese I second what others have said. Take time, mourn,scream,cry, hug.
Funeral directors are really helpful telling you what needs doing, as are the registrars.
There's no immediate hurry tho.
My dad died 6 months ago. The next day I emptied his hospital bag which was heart breaking, but didn't want mum to do it.
mum still has all dads clothes and shoes in their wardrobe. I've told her there's no hurry to sort it out. His tools and 'stuff' is in the shed. She can leave it there forever if she wants to.
would it help to tell us about your dad? some happy memories?
We are all here to help, we've all been there unfortunately ⚘⚘

My dad still has all my mum's stuff - he's just not ready to sort it out

Hello

Just wondered if i can post here
My dad. Passed away a month ago

Miss him so much
And im a long way from family and friends

hi cinder sorry youve had to join us. ⚘
I still miss my dad so much, it's 6 months now and my heart aches thinking about him. we've had a few family events recently and there's been a dad shaped hole and he's been dearly missed.
I've no answers really. Do whatever helps I still txt my dad and spill out my thoughts, and I have a photo of him which i keep fresh flowers by.
But it's hard, it's the toughest thing I've had to do but you just get by.You have to ⚘

Yes
Its a big hole
I have also but some photos up

No flowers
But. A box of his fav sweets

It seems strange to miss someone who
I was unable to see much

Hi everyone. I lost my dad on 29th March last year I'm coming up the 1 year anniversary. It's been tough. As my dad's health was failing, I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't tell him as I was too afraid that it would upset him if he knew he wouldn't be here to see his grandchild.

Losing a parent is the strangest experience and one that I doubt I'll ever get past. I've had dreams about him which are sometimes comforting and sometimes leave me feeling bereft.

I just feel so sad that I don't have my dad anymore, and I'm sad that he didn't get to meet his grandson.

So sorry Tinder, Enigmam. I'm not looking forward to special days. Dad will be missed at big family gatherings, you are right.

Im sorry im very bad at names

I think to try to remember the good times
And hold onto memories that Dad and i shared

I find it really hard to ring my mum

I have to kick myself not to ask after my Dad

I'm struggling today. I'm having to sort my Mum and Dad's house out, empty it, and sell it. It's horrible. How do you clear out everything they owned? Just remove all traces of them being there? Sell the house you grew up in, had all your childhood memories in, and watched your mum die in? It's so hard.

I'm dreading mum selling their house. Dad built it with his own hands. I'll miss it so much.

The other things are not so bad. Some have gone to family members to use. Some especially anything he made, are being kept.

Most things are just th8ngs.

Thank you all for your words. I have nothing I need to write today, but needed you to know I'd read what you had written.