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Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities - Thread 5

(373 Posts)
Conorgog Wed 07-Aug-19 10:28:49

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

@Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
@Linspins – Franklin 22/01/10
@Shangrila – baby boy 01/02/10
@Cantdothisagain – Babycan't 12/04/10
@Katerina100 – baby boy 06/10
@NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
@Allstarsprincess – Frank 30/07/10
@Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
@GinaFB – Alexander 03/01/11
@LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
@Coffeeandchocolate – Coffeebean 22/02/11
@Rushingrachel – Oliver 02/03/11
@Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
@Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
@VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
@LisbethSalander - baby boy 7/11
@Stormbird – George 24/07/11
@Sarahmia – baby girl 25/07/11
@Eavers – Jacob 11/08/11
@Grandj – Eliot 01/09/11
@Babylily – Miles 05/09/11
@NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
@Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
@Cherrybug – Kade 02/11/11
@Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
@Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
@MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
@Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12
@Katerina100 – baby girl 19/04/2012
@flower11 – Hannah 18/10/2012
@Bluecat83 – Noah est 24/10/2012
@katiecubs – Seth 05/02/2013
@Havingkittens – Alfred 14/04/2013
@ghislane – Frederick 22/10/2013
@lostlove – baby boy est 10/04/14
@AliBingo – baby boy est 06/05/14
@LuckyAugust –baby boy 26/01/2015

Conorgog Wed 07-Aug-19 10:29:16

Hi all, Conorgog here, I’m updating this list as its gone slightly dormant. I’ve tried to be as considerate as possible to those that have gone before me, and have updated the thread babies list as far as I could see it, if I’ve missed anyone off, and/or if there have been updates from previous posters, please let me know. @NatzCNL – I borrowed your blurb, hope that’s okay 

Me - I had a TMFR 2 weeks ago, and fall into the category of wanting to get pregnant again asap.
Looking forward to practical advice, words of wisdom, and a bit of handholding.

Mishtabel Wed 07-Aug-19 11:39:05

Oh wow, was so excited to see a message from Mumsnet alerting me to this post - thanks Conorgog! I think I stopped posting not long after Havingkittens had her baby, as I felt a sense of closure then, though I have thought of this group many times over the years. Such bittersweet memories, as it was such a hard time in many ways, though this group were a major part of getting me through.
My heart goes out to everyone who has come afterward, and especially to those who have recently had to deal with this. It still remains the hardest, most gut-wrenching decision of my life, and while I can’t say I regret it, as I wouldn’t have my gorgeous Bella otherwise, I can’t say that don’t ever wonder on occasion what would have happened if my decision had have been otherwise.
I haven’t seen any previous posts, so don’t know anyone’s recent stories, but I will have a read later. I have a 3 year old I have to get to bed - 50 years old this month with a 3 year old! He’s not my biological child, but I’ve had him since he was 3 months old and he’s mine none-the-less. You never know where life is going to take you.
Again, my thoughts are with anyone going through this at the moment. Conorgog, things must be so raw for you. I hope you have some wonderful ladies on here to help you through like I did. No one understands the thoughts and emotions involved until they’ve gone through something similar, and it’s so important to know you’re not alone.
Love to all xx

Mishtabel Wed 07-Aug-19 14:21:54

Conorgog, your post got me looking at old threads of when it first began and when I first joined the thread (I didn’t even come in until thread number 3). I do so hope others come along and you all get to support each other. I couldn’t imagine going through my next pregnancy without the support I received here. Reading an old post of mine, I just realised that the video I made up of memorabilia from my little boy (scans, pics of footprints etc which I’f put to music) is forever lost on an old phone of mine. Made me a little sad. ‘Funnily’ enough, his due date would have been 11 years ago tomorrow. I just listened to a couple of songs that I would often listen to back then, for those times when I needed a good cry: Fly by Celine Dion and How Could Anyone by Shaina Noll (think that’s the name). Even now, and I’m thinking forever, they bring on the waterworks, but that’s ok. You will always remember you little one, but you will also know overwhelming happiness again. It’s so natural to want to conceive again - some take longer than others to get to that point - it does not take one iota of love away from your little one (I’m sure you know this, but just in case you need to hear it). As has been said, there is sadness in these threads, but also so much hope. All started by a most gorgeous soul Busierbee - she was so lovely and soothing and knew just what to say. My words come across very clumsy compared to hers smile
Thank you for prompting me to take some time out to reminisce tonight (I’m in Australia) xx

QforCucumber Wed 07-Aug-19 20:47:16

Hello, mind if I step in? I hope i can offer and find the support i see spoken about so lovingly here. I feel like I cant tell anyone in rl we are ttc again in case it all goes wrong. TfMR in April, was 13 weeks and found out I was pregnant the day after our wedding. Already have a 3 year old ds, but 2 losses now too. God I hate to think I should have a little family of almost 3 children already.

Conorgog Thu 08-Aug-19 07:46:58

Ah @Mishtabel that’s so nice, I wanted to make sure this was continued sensitively, and with a certain amount of homage to those that have gone before. - These threads have helped me enormously (especially in the early hours of the morning) when searching for similar experiences/answers.

You sound like you have your hands full now, congratulations on your beautiful family!

@QforCucumber

Welcome!

I’m so sorry for your losses, it’s so hard.
I also have a 2.5 DS - a handful! Agree it’s a pretty tough thing to discuss in RL, I’m so conscious of scaring friends - particularly those who haven’t had kids yet, being relatively carefree during pregnancy is now something I don’t take for granted.

How long did it take for you to get your first period post TFMR?

Conorgog Sat 10-Aug-19 08:40:00

Hello!

I brought some of the ovulation stick things - which I’ve never had any experience of using, and they have been progressively getting darker, so that would say I’m ovulating soon/now, has anyone had any experience wanting to get pregnant straight after a TFMR? and if so did you wait till you had your first ‘period’ Post TFMR or did you just do it. I’ve read some things that say you should wait till after your first period and others that say it’s only for dating that they ask you to wait. Any thoughts? X

GiveMeHope103 Sat 10-Aug-19 19:35:36

Thanks for this thread Cornorgog. I'm sorry for your loss. I also went through a tfmr 10 days ago at 22 weeks.
Do you mind me asking was it through medical or surgical management.

Conorgog Sat 10-Aug-19 20:30:25

Hi @GiveMeHope103

I’m so sorry for everything you (and your partner) have had to go through. It’s so so tough. I had a surgical under general, at 13.5 weeks, I’m guessing you had medical? How are you doing?

QforCucumber Sat 10-Aug-19 20:34:08

Ah this fell off the threads I'm on - mine was under ga at 13 weeks too @Conorgog my first was medical at 8 weeks and i reacted badly to the tablets so didnt want to go through that again. I actually went back on the pill immediately after, i needed to get my head back in the right place and close off that pregnancy for a while I think. Just had first af since coming off the pill so think now is more officially trying.

GiveMeHope103 Sat 10-Aug-19 21:32:53

I had a surgical (hysterotomy). Very similar to a c section but more painful. My doctor advised against the medical and I didnt want one either.
I still have to recover from the surgery before even thinking of trying again. Not to mention the genetic issues being the reason for termination.

Conorgog Sun 11-Aug-19 14:03:07

Oh @GiveMeHope103 that sounds awful, don’t rush your recovery, definitely take lots of time. How long do they recommend you take before trying to carry a pregnancy again?

@QforCucumber So are you ‘officially’ trying this month? Excited for you! Pretty sure I’ve just ovulated so I’m now hanging out waiting for my period. Decided to not ‘try’ straight away this month and will have a period first. Which means if I ovulate next around 10 September, I won’t be doing any testing till the end of that month! Seems an age away.

Brexitstash Tue 13-Aug-19 09:30:38

20 week scan in 30 minutes.
Last pregnancy my baby had multiple abnormalities detected at the 20 week scan, and a termination a few days later. Utterly terrified.

Conorgog Tue 13-Aug-19 10:08:43

Yikes, hope your doing okay, can’t even begin to navigate how you must be feeling.
Are you having scan at a specialist unit?

Sending a squeeze handhold x

Brexitstash Tue 13-Aug-19 11:24:02

Thanks conorgog fetal medicine centre at UCLH. I was ok until I realised it was the same room where I had the feticide last time, and then a shaky mess. All OK though, and they did extra heart and spine scans in view of last time.

Conorgog Tue 13-Aug-19 11:39:03

They are the best there!

And most of all CONGRATULATIONS, that is fantastic news. Hope you feel a little more relaxed x

LuckyAugust Tue 13-Aug-19 21:44:45

Thanks so much for starting a new thread Conorgog. It still seems like yesterday but if things had have worked out my dd would have turned 6 two weeks ago. You don't ever forget but it won't always be so hard to remember. I was so lucky to be blessed with another son a year after our loss. Sending love and hugs to those who have been through or currently going though difficult times x

Treaclepie19 Tue 20-Aug-19 14:29:46

Oh this is amazing to see. Thank you for making this thread.
I'm really wanting to TTC but very nervous after losing our little boy in December. A mosaic issue with deletions of chromosome 2. He was born at 22+4.
We talk about ttc every day pretty much but I'm much more keen than my husband.

Anyway, will hopefully be hopping on properly soon flowers

Conorgog Wed 21-Aug-19 13:43:10

Thanks @LuckyAugust, agree being in the place will forever be part of my narrative.

Hurrah @Treaclepie19 welcome, and also so sorry you have found yourself here.

Ive finally got my period/AF (whatever it’s called 🙃) and am now on CD1 after my TFMR. My partner and I are the same and talk about ttc a lot too, we had planned our last pregnancy well in advance, to suit life timings of various things, so now we will be back on the horse, so to speak, this month. Like you I’m very scared/apprehensive, which is a completely expected and normal emotion!

Hop on proper when your ready, or before too!

Treaclepie19 Wed 21-Aug-19 13:50:24

@Conorgog I'm just waiting for my next period and then I'd be happy to start trying. I'm not sure we will be though.
It's been 8 months and feels like just yesterday.
We have a nearly 4 year old so I'm nervous about my mental health creating instability for him.

I'm so sorry for your loss, look after yourself best you can flowers

Treaclepie19 Wed 21-Aug-19 13:51:42

Oh, should have said. Period is due any day! So I need to have the big talk with DH (again) asap.

DinoGreen Fri 23-Aug-19 12:13:45

How are you doing @Conorgog? Are you planning to track ovulation etc this month?

My period arrived earlier this week too. I basically hadn’t ever stopped bleeding after my TFMR so I have been wearing pads constantly for like a month now 🙄 my period is nearly over and I can’t wait!

DH and I had a conversation the other night about whether and when we should try again. I think the upshot is we both want to but whereas he’d happily get going right away, I think I need a couple of months at least to get my head together. The only downside of waiting is the ever increasing age gap between any new baby and my DS. If this baby had gone as planned it would have been nearly 4 years which already felt like a big gap. Now if I take a few months out and then a few months to fall pregnant, it could be more like 5 years. But I don’t think I should rush it. I’ve been coping since my TFMR by distracting myself with work and seeing friends etc. Until our conversation the other night DH and I hadn’t talked about it much at all and just having the conversation and letting myself think about it again was very hard and emotional.

Conorgog Fri 23-Aug-19 13:38:37

@DinoGreen so nice to see you here, I’ve been thinking of you and @JO138 and wondering how you both were. I’m sorry to hear you felt sad, is there anything specifically that makes you feel anxious about with trying again, after give it a little time if you need too.

Glad to hear your period arrived, a month with pads is a lot to deal with.
I was THRILLED - when mine came, which is probably the last time I will ever feel that way 😆.

re the age gap, I wouldn’t worry - my Partner felt the same way - we talked about it lots and came to conclusion that there were lots of positives with larger age gap - more time with each child etc, and lots of people we know (our age) with younger siblings and a bigger age gap have a great relationship with each other!

I’m thinking I might track using the sticks, although have no real idea what I’m doing. We will be on holiday when my supposed ‘fertile week’ is anyway - so I guess a more relaxed setting for trying...

DinoGreen Sat 24-Aug-19 07:43:51

I think it’s just the feeling that I haven’t fully worked through my emotions about the TFMR that’s making me anxious. I think if I get pregnant again I’m going to be soooo anxious as well, probably all the way through to the 20 week scan.

I think you’re right that I shouldn’t worry about the age gap - it will be what it will be. I know plenty of siblings who are close in age who don’t get on or play together at all so there’s no telling how it will be, small or large age gap.

I hope you have a lovely holiday and the relaxing environment is helpful for TTC! If you do decide to go down the tracking route, I used clearblue digital ovulation sticks. they’re more expensive than the internet cheapies everyone on the conception boards talks about, but I couldn’t get on with them - I could never tell if the line was getting darker or not! The clearblue ones give you a smiley face or a blank face - no misinterpreting it!

JO138 Sat 24-Aug-19 08:05:25

Hello @dinogreen and @Conorgog I was thinking about you both the other day. I hope you are both doing well.

I've tried to skim over the other posts and for everyone else who had been through a loss I'm so sorry.

I'm in much the same boat after having a TFMR nearly 6 weeks ago. I'm getting really frustrated though as I am now on my second period! I spoke to the midwife and they said the irregularity was to be expected but I'm frustrated.

My DH is not keen to try again and wants to wait. I'm trying to be reasonable and understand he's grieving too but mostly I'm just pissed off. blush My darling son is nearly 3 1/2 , I'm 39.....
We don't have the luxury of time!

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