Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities - Thread 5

[Conorgog]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

@Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
@Linspins – Franklin 22/01/10
@Shangrila – baby boy 01/02/10
@Cantdothisagain – Babycan't 12/04/10
@Katerina100 – baby boy 06/10
@NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
@Allstarsprincess – Frank 30/07/10
@Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
@GinaFB – Alexander 03/01/11
@LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
@Coffeeandchocolate – Coffeebean 22/02/11
@Rushingrachel – Oliver 02/03/11
@Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
@Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
@VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
@LisbethSalander - baby boy 7/11
@Stormbird – George 24/07/11
@Sarahmia – baby girl 25/07/11
@Eavers – Jacob 11/08/11
@Grandj – Eliot 01/09/11
@Babylily – Miles 05/09/11
@NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
@Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
@Cherrybug – Kade 02/11/11
@Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
@Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
@MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
@Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12
@Katerina100 – baby girl 19/04/2012
@flower11 – Hannah 18/10/2012
@Bluecat83 – Noah est 24/10/2012
@katiecubs – Seth 05/02/2013
@Havingkittens – Alfred 14/04/2013
@ghislane – Frederick 22/10/2013
@lostlove – baby boy est 10/04/14
@AliBingo – baby boy est 06/05/14
@LuckyAugust –baby boy 26/01/2015

Thanks @Mangoandbroccoli, no have had no experience of EPU, on Sunday’s here you have to access it through Accident and emergency which I’m not particularly keen on doing either. I might just call my doctor tomorrow and go down that route / I don’t feel like (or want to) be poked and prodded today, so given it’s not murder scene bleeding, maybe I can get a referral for scan later in the week.

@conorgog I'm so sorry. I woke up this morning thinking about you and wondering how you were doing and so sad to read this.

I've never experienced miscarriage but I completely understand that you might want to stay home today until you can see someone. Can you call the midwives team at the hospital?

All I can say is I'm so sorry and I will be thinking of you and you DH.
X.

Thanks, @JO138, we okay, just gutted again about the usual future plans we stupidly made thinking everything would work out (as per usual).

I think at this point there is not much that can be done and given its passing naturally I can only let it continue? Think most of the big stuff came out last night, so if it doesn’t get much heavier today will just wait it out till tomorrow and call Dr.

Hi all, thank you for your messages whilst I was away. Gosh that was an experience, I didn't find the actually procedure bad as obvs I was under anesthic but the feeling just before, I was trying to think in my head to say goodbye to my baby, it was so hard. Anyway we decided that we didn't want a funeral but as I live near the beach we'r going down at night next week to light a candle, say some prayers (although not religious but at these times it feels right to speak to someone) and wer going to send a lantern to the night sky. I do feel some sense of closure now although mixed with feeling very sorry for the baby. We've decided to wait at least 3 months to try again just so we can fully recover and give ourselves an emotional break. Thank you guys so much for your messages when I first posted. When I sat in the waiting room in my gown and on the bed waiting to go into theatre I don't think I've ever felt so scared in my life but I remembered those words "your going through the pain so your baby doesn't have to" and "your baby has only ever known your warmth and love" it was very comforting so I'm so glad I spoke to you all over the past few weeks... You'll never know how much your words helped me in them moments x ♥️
@concorgog so sorry to hear what your going through, no words can help the disappointment you must feel but don't be to hard on yourself, you made these plans because you so wanted to bring a life into this world that you can love dearly and that is an amazing thing x

@Mini12 I'm glad to hear you are ok. A friend of mine who had a tfmr let a lantern go from the beach and it was really wonderful experience. I am so happy that our little group has helped you even just a bit. X

@Conorgog @Mini12 Thinking of you both today x

@Mini12 I’m glad you’re ok. How are you recovering? I hope you are taking some time for yourself, don’t rush back to work. I had 2 weeks off and although I could have gone back earlier, I think it was good for me to have that break.

@Conorgog I’m so sorry 😢 have you been checked out? Life can be so cruel. Thinking of you x

Hey @DinoGreen, I’m actually doing okay.

I had a lovely chat with the consultant and midwife who had guided me through the Tfmr at the hospital those months back (I had taken them a card and a big box of berries and biscuits a couple of weeks after it happened to say thanks) - so they remembered who I was. Going back to epu on Friday to check if it’s all gone, then will go from there.

Also had good chat with one of the ladies from ARC again this morning - to sound it out (outloud). Was v helpful.

@JO138 how you getting on? Hope you have something lovely planned for your birthday 😊

I’m glad you’re doing ok @Conorgog and that ARC were helpful. I had a really good talk with the helpline when I was waiting for my CVS results. I’ve been meaning to donate to them.

I actually had a look at their website today and saw an article they’d helped with about how it’s baby loss awareness week this week and how difficult it is for people in our position who don’t quite fit into the miscarriage/stillbirth narrative (although I’m so sorry that you now have that to contend with as well Conorgog). It really resonated with me. Only my family and one very close friend know the true story of my TFMR. Around 6/7 other friends knew about the pregnancy but I didn’t want anyone’s judgment about the fact that it was T21 and that I made the choice to end the pregnancy myself. There was a quote from Arc in the article that said it shouldn’t be a source of shame but it is and that’s exactly how I feel about it. I am still really struggling with my choice and I think the reason I don’t feel ready to TTC yet is because I feel like I don’t deserve to have another child when I chose to end the life of this one because it wasn’t quite right. Have just had a cry in the toilets at work. Ugh.

@DinoGreen I still have a lot of guilt. And I definitely don't share the full story with anyone but those closest for that reason. I just think god what will they think of me. But I suppose bottom line is that we made the decision that was right for us and for our families and that is nothing to ever be ashamed about.

@Conorgog I'm glad you are doing ok. I'm still in the bloody TWW. AF due tomorrow but no sign yet. Keeping my fingers crossed but did another CB hpt this morning and got a BFN so I'm sure all will be revealed soon.

My parents are actually treating us to a long weekend in centre parcs for my birthday and a trip to the spa for me. Really looking forward to it all being said. Although I would like nothing better than to have to skip the champagne!!!

@DinoGreen I feel exactly the same re telling people the reason and it's very true about not quite fitting in to the category. I still always say 'lost the baby' rather than explain but also because it was still very much a loss to us.

I completely recognise the feelings of guilt, too, but please don't feel you're undeserving. Of course I don't know all of your reasoning and that's completely your business but when I feel like that I try to remind myself that the biggest part of our decision was not wishing such a potentially difficult life on a child - or even an adult, actually, as I think that's when it would be even harder for them.

I think someone also mentioned the phrase 'mine pain for theirs', which has also become a bit of a mantra for me.

I hope you can relax a bit this evening x

@JO138 That sounds like a lovely weekend, enjoy! I'm still in the TWW with you - day 29 today but I've always been a bit irregular so going to hold out for this weekend if no show by then. Have had an awful stomach for the last few days so something's going on in there either way!

Well with annoying accuracy AF arrived this morning. Absolutely gutted. Meant to be out for birthday dinner tonight but thinking about cancelling. Mentally that was it for me. I said I'd draw a line under it at 40 and here I am! So f**king gutted.

@DinoGreen sending you a big hug through the screen x

@JO138

That is annoyingly shitty - but just think you would have been 40 by the time you gave birth anyway so - there is still time!

Happy happy birthday x

@JO138 I'm so sorry, that is just really shit 😔

I always think as if AF's initial arrival is not disappointing enough, you then have to go through with actually having the sodding period too 😡

I think everyone on this thread is overdue a bit of luck now x

Thanks @Conorgog and @Mangoandbroccoli. I keep moving the goal posts. First I said June cutoff for only 4 years between babies. Pregnant in April but not in July. Then I said 40..... I am just worried about putting too much space between then. My DS will be 4 at the end of March.

Argh. I am just a bit pissed off at the universe today. Cramps and hormones and being bloody 40 not helping the situation.

@JO138 I understand the age gap as I wanted a smaller one between my ds and hopeful no 2 too and it's horrible seeing it get wider with nothing you can do about it.

If it helps, though, there are 4 years between my sister and I and we've always been really close (well maybe less so during teens but definitely when younger and certainly as adults!). 5 years between niece and nephew, too, and you'd be hard pushed to find closer siblings. One of the benefits is that there's less comparison because you're probably at quite different stages in terms of exams, hobbies, sporting abilities etc, and can be appreciated at your own stages whilst still coming together to enjoy mutual, less competitive interests x

@JO138 You're totally justified in feeling angry and upset though and can feel free to let out anything you need to here ❤️

Thanks @Mangoandbroccoli. I am still mentally grasping at straws because (sorry tmi ) but I've not actually started bleeding. Just kind of brown spotting......but I did a test and it was negative and I am really crampy so I "know" but I'm still googling in vain.....idiot!

@JO138 I've spent all morning googling 'temps keep dropping, could I still be pregnant?!' 🙈🙈🙈

Thanks for all the supportive messages. I had a cry with DH last night but then pulled myself together and I’m doing ok today.

@JO138 sorry about AF 🙁 my ds is the same age as yours and I have the same worry about age gaps, but I’m trying not to let it bother me too much. I know lots of people with 4/5 year age gaps, for various reasons, some get on, some don’t, the same as any other set of siblings. I’m 32 so I don’t have quite the same concerns about age but for what it’s worth I don’t think you should be concerned about having 40 as your cut off if you do want to have another one x

I feel the same ladies. Our ds1 is not long 4 and there would have been 3 and a half years between our boys had ds2 survived.
So now it's looking like a 5 year age gap.

Wow lots of us with very similar gaps and little ones! My ds is also 3 and next month there would have been a 3yr 3 month age gap 😢

🙋🏻‍♀️ Me too, Child is 3 early next year, so looking at a minimum 3.5 age gap, struggling to manage husbands problems with age gap, but the more I read about it the better a slightly bigger than normal age difference sounds - ie more self sufficient, you get to spend more time one on one with each during their developing stage, less likely to feel like the baby is taking over etc etc. Two of my friends have kids w very close age gaps and it looks much harder wrangling them than what I imagine having twins would be.

Big handhold @JO138 go have a glass of fizz!

Hi everyone @Mangoandbroccoli @DinoGreen @Treaclepie19 @conorgog I don't know if I'm just trying to talk myself out of being heartbroken again because in reality I have a brother who is 8 years younger than me who I adore!
I am feeling a little bit stupid. I was crampy this morning and had a tiny drop of brown discharge and then thought oh this is it.....fook. But actually I've not had anything since.....I'm day 30 today. But I did do a test this morning and it was BFN. I've looked back at my app and for my last pregnancy I took a test BFP on day 31...... Am I grasping at straws?

Also I'm headed to dinner for my bday in Shoreditch and there will definitely be wine....... Don't want to risk it but also don't want to give everyone a false impression if I refuse a glass of wine.