To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

(299 Posts)
Redcart21 Thu 28-Oct-21 21:05:53

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

- they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
- they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
- they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
- MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
- their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP’s posts: |
heywassuphello Thu 28-Oct-21 21:08:28

Why aren't you going to your side of the family?

seven201 Thu 28-Oct-21 21:08:59

I have a similar in law family, although not quite that extreme and I suck it up. I will never grow to love packet bread sauce but my dh enjoys his traditional family Xmas and my dd has a lovely time.

MissConductUS Thu 28-Oct-21 21:09:16

Can you have them to yours on Christmas?

Redcart21 Thu 28-Oct-21 21:10:37

@heywassuphello we alternate years going to each of our families houses. I’d actually prefer to even just stay in our home just 3 of us but DH is having none of that

OP’s posts: |
Winniemarysarah Thu 28-Oct-21 21:10:52

How many times have you had Xmas dinner there? I’m with you on this one. Xmas day doesn’t have to be picture perfect and compromises should be made, this sounds absolutely grim though. A clean table and half decent food served at a reasonable time shouldn’t be too much to ask for. I think a Boxing Day visit is a good compromise

Classica Thu 28-Oct-21 21:10:57

You shouldn't need to suck it up every year.

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Winniemarysarah Thu 28-Oct-21 21:12:12

Redcart21

*@heywassuphello* we alternate years going to each of our families houses. I’d actually prefer to even just stay in our home just 3 of us but DH is having none of that

I think you have a dh problem. Why on earth don’t you put your foot down and insist on Xmas day in the comfort of your own home?

Rubyupbeat Thu 28-Oct-21 21:12:42

It's not fair on your husband if you don't go, you married him knowing they were different to your own family.
I suppose if you go to neither family on Christmas day then thats fair enough.
It seems sad you are so down on them though, my in laws were very similar, to the point I would have to put old clothes on my sons to go there, but they were kind folk and loved their grandchildren.

Kite22 Thu 28-Oct-21 21:13:40

Ooh, a tricky one, as I think there is a lot of perception in this.

Things like "quality of food" is very subjective, as is levels of cleanliness.
From some of the housework threads I read on here, some people do FAR more cleaning than me, and yet my house isn't dirty or unhygienic.
So I think there is a possibility that your in-laws might be different from you, but not necessarily dirty.
However, at 18months or however old your little one is, this is probably the worst year for crawling about and for putting things into their mouth, so, in terms of that, this year might be a good one to have a turn somewhere else.

Do you normally go to your parents one year and his the next?

I mean, I am with you on the eating off my lap. Call me anything you want, but I do like to eat at a table - especially a full on roast.

Is there a reason that you couldn't invite them to come to you, and start a new tradition ?

Cattitudes Thu 28-Oct-21 21:13:54

Could you host it at your house?

Arbitan Thu 28-Oct-21 21:14:04

Do you see them every year? Have you ever told your husband?

We alternate between in-laws but don’t have the same issues. My family are actually a bit more like you describe but no issue with cleanliness or quality - it’s all packet stuff but from Marks & Spencer or similar. My DP’s family are different, everything cooked from scratch, no crap TV (other than a film in the evening). It’s all good.

Kite22 Thu 28-Oct-21 21:14:21

x posted with lots ! blush

Cuntness Thu 28-Oct-21 21:14:35

Do you have to go for food?

I won't eat with my in laws on Christmas Day due to their lack of effort (they just do a bog standard roast) but we see them on the day at some point. Usually at ours for brunch that they don't eat because they've already eaten despite knowing they are being invited for brunch.

PurpleDaisies Thu 28-Oct-21 21:15:09

You don’t need to go every year.

One in three is what we do. My family, dh’s family, here. Ipoh definitely should be able to have a home Christmas if you want one.

Skinnymuffins Thu 28-Oct-21 21:15:14

The house doesn't sound inviting and from what it sounds like you don't live anything like this therefore neither does your DH. So the only reason your DH would be going also would be to spend time with his parents. Not everyone has great parents and sometimes it can be a contrast from your OH but your DP just wants to see his mum and Dad on Christmas day.

You said it's not every year so that is a compromise already 😬

I really empathise with your situation though, that can't be nice dreading Christmas dinner etc 🤮 but to your DH it's about more than that maybe

PurpleDaisies Thu 28-Oct-21 21:15:55

I won't eat with my in laws on Christmas Day due to their lack of effort (they just do a bog standard roast)

Isn’t that essentially what a Christmas dinner is?

notanothertakeaway Thu 28-Oct-21 21:16:26

Tasting with a spoon and putting it back in the dish = bleurgh

For the rest, yes it's nice to have a great meal on a nice table etc, but it'll do no harm to do it differently from time to time

Aimee1987 Thu 28-Oct-21 21:17:55

Is your home big enough to host?

I would say now we are a family I want DS to spend Christmas at home. We stopped doing the whole alternating before DS was born and anyone who wants to can
come to ours is welcome. It's mostly my mum and brother and DPs sister and brother so we all fit around our table.
I'm with you this sounds like a grim Christmas.

Iloveacurry Thu 28-Oct-21 21:19:06

Sounds grim. Doesn’t your DH see the comparison with your family and his own? I’m with you on this and won’t want to go either.

3scape Thu 28-Oct-21 21:20:11

You sound hugely uncaring and a terrible guest. In your fabulous upbringing with tables and timing I take it noone ever bothered to point out to you you're there to visit people you care about and enjoy their company? You're so rude and precious please excuse yourself by faking an illness and let everyone else have a nice time without you're disapproval bringing it all down.

RudestLittleMadam Thu 28-Oct-21 21:20:34

Can you offer to host your inlaws as a compromise? That way you get to eat decent stuff and at the table and have a plan of action. The pay off ofc is the cost and cleaning up afterward. Food is one of my favourite things about Christmas time and what you describe sounds miserable and I wouldn’t be able to suck it up by going to them. I’d rather host and eat decent stuff.

notanothertakeaway Thu 28-Oct-21 21:21:30

Cuntness

Do you have to go for food?

I won't eat with my in laws on Christmas Day due to their lack of effort (they just do a bog standard roast) but we see them on the day at some point. Usually at ours for brunch that they don't eat because they've already eaten despite knowing they are being invited for brunch.

@Cuntness

What a shame, to refuse to eat with people who don't provide a gourmet meal to your liking

Bluntness100 Thu 28-Oct-21 21:22:19

Personally I think it’s a bit shit to agree to alternate years, go to yours then refuse to go to his. You weren’t refusing when you were having him miss Xmas with his parents to go to yours. So yeah you knew what they were like, you should not have made th agreement.

Go this year and then miss Xmas with your folks next year and set a new precedent.

Classica Thu 28-Oct-21 21:22:32

3scape

You sound hugely uncaring and a terrible guest. In your fabulous upbringing with tables and timing I take it noone ever bothered to point out to you you're there to visit people you care about and enjoy their company? You're so rude and precious please excuse yourself by faking an illness and let everyone else have a nice time without you're disapproval bringing it all down.

I don't think wanting to eat a pleasant Christmas dinner at an actual table makes the OP Hyacinth Bucket.

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