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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

298 replies

Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:05

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

  • they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
  • they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
  • they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
  • MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
  • their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP posts:
PurpleOkapi · 29/10/2021 00:11

@LinoVentura

It's completely unreasonable to invite someone for a meal and then make no effort. In this case not only is the food disgusting but it's also unhygienic. The PIL have chosen to eat dirty crap (let's be real) so it's them who have created the situation. Why should the OP have to suffer because of someone else's selfish choices?

I strongly suggest that the OP refuses to go. Maybe leave it to husband's discretion as to what excuse he gives his parents. To be fair it appears that neither of the PIL knows anything about food or cooking so even if they did want to make an effort it would probably be a disaster. But until they at least try not to serve garbage, they are out of order inviting people to eat.

Do not go, OP.

One meal every other year of food not to one's tastes is hardly "suffering." If it's normal food they bought from a supermarket or restaurants, then it isn't "garbage," even if it's too "low quality" for OP. Her husband seems to like it fine, and even if he didn't, he'd still want to see his family on Christmas. OP can get over her precious self for one meal every two years.
mmmmmgyrl · 29/10/2021 00:12

I don't care about offending people, but what I will not do is have DC in a home I consider unhygienic and unclean with people with unsanitary food prep practices.

So I would insist on hosting and visiting both sets of families on Boxing Day moreso now that you are your own little family unit and should be making your own traditions for DC to remember. If your DH insists on going to his family's for Christmas, he can go on his own.

I think it's reasonable pre-kids to alternate between families, but once DC arrive you really should be allowed to opt out without offending anyone and have your own Christmas at home. It's kinda selfish and childish for your DH to insist on going to his parents when he has a wife and DC to think of.

GirlWithAGuitar · 29/10/2021 00:15

No chance would I go to keep others happy. Thankfully my partner thinks like me so it makes things easy. But we always have Xmas at home with just us and the kids since they were old enough to want their toys, now they’re teens and like to relax at home for the day.
I’d just say you’re spending Xmas at home from now on.

LinoVentura · 29/10/2021 00:16

The OPs husband would have to agree that his parents are serving him and his four siblings and their respective parties "dirty crap" in order to start making excuses. There is nothing within OPs posts to suggest that he is willing to do this.

Maybe it would be better to be honest then e.g. 'I can't attend because the food and lack of hygiene make me very upset and depressed'.

The PIL are in the wrong here so the OP should not have to suffer to avoid hurting their feelings.

HaveringWavering · 29/10/2021 00:18

I’m intrigued - your DH is one of 5 and all have partners so on Xmas day there are at least 12 adults in the inlaws’ house and numerous children too?

Why are at least some of the 12 adults not helping with the cooking and shopping?
Do all the 5 children think this is normal and acceptable?

SallyWebsterr · 29/10/2021 00:19

I agree you should spend it at home as a family of 3 but think you may need to suck it up this year and make the change on your families year. This is what I did with my ILs and nobodies had an issue. We now stay home or go on holiday.

HaveringWavering · 29/10/2021 00:21

Also, if there are 5 kids with partners would the sensible thing not be for the 5 kids to stagger their years with Mum and Dad so that the house is less full? To be honest it’s quite a major logistical achievement to have all 5 siblings available every second Christmas.

saleorbouy · 29/10/2021 00:25

Suck it up this year and next time it's their "turn" suggest they come round instead as DS won't want to leave his toys and so you can generate your own family traditions.
I purposely make sure there is no Christmas routine of going to in laws or family as I hate the idea of starting something the becomes impossible to break or evolve as children grow up.

bellsbuss · 29/10/2021 00:25

The licking of the spoon and then using it to stir would be enough for me not to go and nothing would make me.

MrsKeats · 29/10/2021 00:38

So now it's snobbish to want to eat at a table and have food cooked in a sanitary way.
Ridiculous comments.

NeverChange · 29/10/2021 00:41

I would absolutely hate to spend a day like BUT it's important to your husband and he's asking for your support.

Go but agree it's the final year and spend Christmas with just the 3 of you next year.

LumosSolem · 29/10/2021 00:47

Honestly you've had done ridiculous replies on here OP, this in particular made me laugh:

*You sound like a spoilt child. Your husband wants to spend Christmas with his family and they want to spend it with you and their other children. It is one day and you are an adult. Sit on the floor with the roast so you do not drop it. Your child will not remember dirt and tesco value food. They will remember noise and family and chaos, exactly as it should be. On a different day over the vacation, do a big Christmas meal at yours, exactly as you wish and do it your way. We have multiple Christmas meals, all completely different and we love them all. And believe me, I know a thing or two about meals in foul houses and licked spoon dipping.
*
I'm sure that poster would love to eat her Christmas dinner whilst sat on a dirty floor. Actually maybe she would, competitive misery and having to suck up shitty situations is a MN favourite, I'm surprised the war hasn't been mentioned. You do know OP, you're just lucky to not be going through the blitz whilst having your lumpy gravy and soggy sprouts!

You don't sound like a spoilt child for not wanting to spend Xmas day like this. Although it's tricky because it's understandable that your DH wants to see his parents. I really would put my foot down though and insist on Christmas at home- whilst offering to host them at yours. Whether they take you up on it is another matter but that's not your problem. You, DH and DS are your own family now and it's time for things to change.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/10/2021 00:47

Its called the festive SEASON. That means that there's plenty of days to get together over the season. It doesn't have to be Christmas Day.
Brilliant idea to suggest Boxing Day and bring your own mince pies or everyone meet at a pub near them as you've all been in lockdown for so long.
Its the same as celebrating your birthday at the weekend if it falls on a Thursday and you are at work.
This year I told DH in advance, we are not hosting and we are not going anywhere on Xmas day.. There's plenty of get together days to choose from, just not that one.

Andylion · 29/10/2021 01:10

OP, do they have a dining room? (We didn't have one, growing up, or a kitchen big enough for a table so we ate off TV trays.). Would there be room if two or three families brought a card table and extra chairs?

What would happen if your DH offered to clean up a bit?

I wonder what the other in-laws, those who have married in, think about it.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/10/2021 01:15

It might be only one day of the year, it is an important day when most people want to relax, get merry, enjoy the DC, not squashed on a sofa eating someone's spit.
Set a new tradition staying home on Christmas day invite parents/pil on Stephens day. (Boxing day).

logsonlogsoff · 29/10/2021 01:16

Christmas at yours? You cook. Your rules etc
By you I obvs mean you and Dh

EmeraldShamrock · 29/10/2021 01:19

OP can't host Christmas as there are 5 x siblings with partners going to MIL's

MrsBerthaRochester · 29/10/2021 01:28

Tell your DH you are staying at home. I did after years of pandering to him and in-laws. The in-laws never spoke to me again and exdh and I split a couple of years after I refused to go to their shitty misogynistic Xmas. Win win.

tralalalalalalalalala · 29/10/2021 01:50

Seriously, no table?! For Christmas Day?!
The mind boggles!
Definitely wouldn't be something I'd be keen to do annually...

Lucycantdance · 29/10/2021 02:14

I can’t believe people are defending this?! Just because the in laws don’t do Christmas Day to OP’s standards. It’s one day and I imagine it’s not every year ?! DS and DH are their family. I’m sorry but this comes across as really selfish. The whole point is to be together.

ITakeCharge · 29/10/2021 02:16

Seeing your update of distances involved makes it easier to say you will stay at your place Christmas Day and cook your own meal, invite whoever you want. You can visit one side of the family just before Christmas or maybe at New Year and the other lot on Boxing Day - if you visit inlaws Boxing Day you might be too full from Christmas dinner to eat anything there especially if you have a massive brunch before leaving to visit them. If you don't want to do all the driving and this year is inlaws' turn then just go Boxing day not Christmas Day and do something with your family next year.

I don't think I am a fussy eater but I can't stand poor food hygiene and I would not be eating in their home. A meal on my lap on the sofa wouldn't bother me but food poisoning would.

Glitteringduck · 29/10/2021 02:24

Unfortunately, I think you'll have to suck it up this year and go... as it is their turn. Then let your family know that you won't be joining them next year as youre wanting to stay home for Xmas BUT invites are open to everyone!! I think that's fair. That's what me and DH do.

Redsquirrel5 · 29/10/2021 02:32

I think I would tell him you will be having it at home. It isn’t fair for him to decide. We went to my parents the first year the meal was delayed though really good and mum and dad argued because of the delay. A few years later we went to in-laws. 300 mile journey. FIL fed Jelly Tots by the tube to the boys and then wondered why they were hyper and wouldn’t settle to bed. I had an early miscarriage on Boxing Day but didn’t tell anyone because no one knew I was pregnant. I went for a walk and a cry and disappeared for a bit. DH was annoyed with me and I just wanted to go home. It was absolute hell. Their house was tiny and there was no garden to let them run off steam and FIL gave them more sweets despite me asking him not to and MIL ended up asking him not to either. DH wouldn’t say anything. We went home a day early and I said never again. We have always had it at home since. Much easier. We visited on Boxing Day, briefly!

wandawaves · 29/10/2021 03:23

Sounds kind of like my childhood Christmases... huge family, kids everywhere, weird collection of food, plastic plates and cutlery, not amazing cleaning standards, nowhere to sit... and I loved it! I really miss it now. I guess as a kid I wouldn't have really 'seen' the mess, but everything else I loved. I guess I'm just saying, that it doesn't have to be a picture perfect Christmas, it's supposed to be about spending time with your loved ones.

In saying that though, these days my 2 sides of the family both insist on doing Christmas on Christmas day, and both at lunch. So I divide the day in 3; stay at home til late morning, have 'on time' lunch at one family, then have late lunch at the other (because they always run late). Could you do something like that, where you get your DH to ask what time the meal is, then just spend a few hours there rather than the whole day? And spend the rest of the time at home.
I do think you'd be unreasonable to not go; it is your DH's family after all.

MiddleParking · 29/10/2021 03:25

One meal every other year of food not to one's tastes is hardly "suffering." If it's normal food they bought from a supermarket or restaurants, then it isn't "garbage," even if it's too "low quality" for OP. Her husband seems to like it fine, and even if he didn't, he'd still want to see his family on Christmas. OP can get over her precious self for one meal every two years.

It’s Christmas dinner, not a random Tuesday teatime. It’s a pretty reasonable and common expectation that it be one of the more enjoyable, well-prepared-for meals you eat that year, rather than one you grit your teeth through and try not to think about it containing someone else’s saliva.