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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

298 replies

Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:05

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

  • they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
  • they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
  • they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
  • MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
  • their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP posts:
PumpkinsandTea · 31/10/2021 09:14

@PurpleDaisies

I won't eat with my in laws on Christmas Day due to their lack of effort (they just do a bog standard roast)

Isn’t that essentially what a Christmas dinner is?

Well, no! You don't have Yorkshire puddings with a Christmas dinner 🤷🏼‍♀️
PurpleDaisies · 31/10/2021 09:21

Well, no! You don't have Yorkshire puddings with a Christmas dinner

That’s a very controversial statement.

Horst · 31/10/2021 11:13

Of course you have yorkies!! It’s just a bigger Sunday dinner for more stuff like pigs in blankets and a second meat etc

PumpkinsandTea · 31/10/2021 11:22

@Redcart21

Thanks everyone for your comments. To answer some, there is no dining table at all and no space for a temporary one. The sofas take up the space alongside general stuff they have in their house (they don’t like throwing anything out).

I’m going to talk to DH this weekend about it. I think it’s best we do our own thing and see families on other days. I can imagine BILs/SILs doing similar as the family grows. I have no idea if they think the same as me as I darent ask but they must be thinking it.
BIL once went to his gf’s for Christmas and all hell broke loose. FIL called an emergency family meeting in the new year telling everyone how unacceptable it was for him to leave the family on this day and wanted us to all know how important it is to all be together every other year Shock this is what I’m up against!

How did it go, @Redcart21 😬😬😬
PumpkinsandTea · 31/10/2021 11:29

@Horst

Of course you have yorkies!! It’s just a bigger Sunday dinner for more stuff like pigs in blankets and a second meat etc
No, Yorkshire puddings were designed for roast beef. Christmas dinner has always been Turkey (or alternative), stuffing, roasts, veg inc sprouts & gravy (if desired). It's not a Sunday roast. You don't even traditionally have mash but I do as I don't eat meat.
To not want to go to in laws for Christmas
SpookyS · 31/10/2021 11:30

I do yorkies with all roasts, because they're awesome and delicious.

I don't care about the arbitrary rules.

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 11:45

No, Yorkshire puddings were designed for roast beef

No, Yorkshire puddings were designed as a first course to have with gravy.

Having them with beef as part of the main was an evolution - just like Christmas’ traditional meat evolved to turkey.

MintyCedric · 31/10/2021 11:56

And this is why we have turkey and beef for Christmas Dinner Grin.

PumpkinsandTea · 31/10/2021 11:59

@JustLyra

No, Yorkshire puddings were designed for roast beef

No, Yorkshire puddings were designed as a first course to have with gravy.

Having them with beef as part of the main was an evolution - just like Christmas’ traditional meat evolved to turkey.

Yea they were, but for a starter before roast beef. Having them on Christmas dinner is like having pasta with Stew! HmmHalloween Biscuit
LaurieFairyCake · 31/10/2021 12:16

I'd happily go for an evening but there's no way I'd eat horrid food on Christmas Day - it's literally the one day of the year I cook (nice) food

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 13:36

Yea they were, but for a starter before roast beef.

They were a starter for whatever meat happened to be roasting. Not just beef.

PumpkinsandTea · 31/10/2021 13:59

@JustLyra

Yea they were, but for a starter before roast beef.

They were a starter for whatever meat happened to be roasting. Not just beef.

They've always been intended for roast beef but we'll have to just agree to disagree 🤷🏼‍♀️
aSofaNearYou · 31/10/2021 14:13

Hmmm I think on balance YABU.

I have a similar situation with my DPs family's houses being very dirty and I don't really like it, but you seem a bit overly focused on the food. I think you just need to accept not having a particularly nice Christmas Dinner on those years, and focus on the other parts of Christmas.

I do think it would be a bit harsh to just never see them on the day because of this, but why does it have to be at their house? Why couldn't you host, or one of your DHs siblings?

Userguaranteed · 31/10/2021 14:19

@Thehop

Sounds awful. I don’t like your dh insisting. Surely you get a say?
The 'say' is the agreement already made, isn't it? So he isn't insisting but keeping to the agreement. She's insisting on doing the opposite.
Userguaranteed · 31/10/2021 14:28

@Redcart21

I also wouldn’t mind not seeing my family on Christmas Day. I’d happily see them another day if it meant it wouldn’t cause upset with the in laws if we started our own traditions.
You should start this but next year when it's your family's turn. That would make it seem more genuine to your dh's family and look like it has nothing to do with them.
Grapewrath · 31/10/2021 14:30

Find it strange that people would need to find close friends to spend Xmas with rather than be happy with immediate family.
Op you have your own family now and your own traditions.

jamandmarmalade · 31/10/2021 15:04

@aSofaNearYou

Hmmm I think on balance YABU.

I have a similar situation with my DPs family's houses being very dirty and I don't really like it, but you seem a bit overly focused on the food. I think you just need to accept not having a particularly nice Christmas Dinner on those years, and focus on the other parts of Christmas.

I do think it would be a bit harsh to just never see them on the day because of this, but why does it have to be at their house? Why couldn't you host, or one of your DHs siblings?

@aSofaNearYou OP has already invited them and offered to host and they flatly refused.

No one should have to endure an unpleasant Christmas just to accomodate their relatives selfish stubborn refusal to be flexible.

Its the one day of the year to enjoy and relax with a good meal in a clean home. OP should be allowed to have it with her DH in their own home for comfort.

aSofaNearYou · 31/10/2021 15:42

@jamandmarmalade

Sorry I don't originally see that comment. If she's offered to host and they won't come then I think it's fair enough.

Horst · 31/10/2021 17:04

We always have beef with the Turkey anyway.

Who has mash with Christmas dinner?

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 31/10/2021 17:20

Anyone else picturing smithy with the new posh girlfriend turning her nose up? Grin

jamandmarmalade · 31/10/2021 18:28

[quote aSofaNearYou]@jamandmarmalade

Sorry I don't originally see that comment. If she's offered to host and they won't come then I think it's fair enough.[/quote]
@aSofaNearYou

Hi, it was in OP's post earlier in the thread:

Redcart21 Thu 28-Oct-21 21:55:43

In laws do mean well but their hygiene practices really put me off food and I find myself watching DS like a hawk so he doesn’t drop something and put it in his mouth

I totally wouldn’t mind hosting them but DH is one of 5 and with all the partners and their kids, we really don’t have space for all of them. In laws like to have everyone together and they wouldn’t even consider coming to us (I have suggested it previously and was dismissed immediately).

starting our own traditions also seem a good idea and I’d love that for DS. I think as the family grows, things will have to change and in laws may have to consider different ways to do Christmas.

I also don’t think my ways are better as someone suggested, but they are my preferences

MrsWooster · 31/10/2021 19:23

I don’t think we owe our parents Christmas. They’ve had their turn, now it’s ours and I insist we have Christmas here, where the kids can have their presents and we can establish our own traditions. There’s only my ‘D’M left now but they were always all invited and it was very nice.

irregularegular · 03/11/2021 11:08

Find it strange that people would need to find close friends to spend Xmas with rather than be happy with immediate family.

Fair enough. But personally I think it would find it much more difficult to feel properly Christmassy on our own - it would feel too much like any other day. Just with Christmas food. Like I said, I'm not very into presents! My teen kids definitely prefer having other people around to mix it up too. But I've always spent Xmases with at least some people we don't/didn't live with, apart from one solitary year which felt a bit odd (and my mum invited the neighbours round for drinks to make up a bit). I guess it's largely what you are used to.

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