To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

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I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

• they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
• they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
• they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
• MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
• their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

Quite honestly though why do anything other than what you and your family want to do for christmas? We are having christmas at home this year, we won't be leaving the house. Told family they can come up for an hour or two between time A and time B but they'd need to be gone by a set time so we can have our dinner in peace. I'll be 37 weeks pregnant, this will be the first christmas my daughter understands it and the last christmas as a family of three. Honestly who needs the hassle of all the other stuff, do what YOUS wanna do!!

I'd invite them to your house. Say that you want lo to be at home with his toys.

@SalsaLove

Perhaps it’s time for you and your DH to start your own family traditions? That way your son can have Christmas Day in his own house with his toys and the family can come over later for lunch. That’s what happened in my family. A bit strange at first for the grandparents but the older generations have to hand over to the younger ones.

I totally agree. And I’m saying this as an older person, who actually enjoys cooking Xmas dinner (I know, I’m strange) At the moment DD and her fiancé spend alternate years with us and with his folks. I fully expect that when they have a family, they will want to spend it in their own home. Because that’s totally normal.

I think it's fair now you have dc especially (and if you have more dc and as they get older) now you have dc to split it 3 ways so you're only at theirs 1 year in 3

1 year at your parents

1 year at home - you could invite in laws to yours?

1 at theirs - and make adjustments that maybe will make things a little more comfortable for you? Eg a "present" of Xmas themed lap trays for everyone to eat off

My mums lot are very "take us as you find us" and their homes are very welcoming...but kinda chaotic

Dads lot (this is prob where I get the ocd from - not even kidding!) everything is VERY clean & tidy and precise and timings are organised for such occasions.

My parents argued about MANY things, the way the different families did Xmas and other such occasions - I can't recall one such argument! They just acknowledged/accepted different families did things different ways.

However with dad being army and depending on what he was working over Xmas meant many Xmases were "just" the 5 of us (parents siblings and I) - I say "just" as to my parents this meant a "quiet" Xmas seeing as they're both from big families (dad one of 5 mum one of 6) plus mums side at Xmas was also, when I was younger my great gran who was still alive then and lived with my grandparents, and also 2 "maiden aunts" who were, well one was great grans sister the other from my grandads side.

Considering they lived in a 2.5 bed tenement in glasgow it could get quite tight!

I remember one Christmas where EVERYONE on that side was still alive and present for Xmas and this included my dad and my mums siblings spouses/partners plus me and siblings and all the cousins (11 of us alone! This particular Xmas that inc 2 newborns) it was chaos! But brilliant fun and I remember it very fondly especially as great gran died the following summer. She was bedridden at this point but her room was never empty that Xmas day and she loved it! There's a wee photo of her BEAMING holding the newborns in her bed with wee Santa hats on and she's got a Xmas cracker hat on and she's a baby in each arm.

2 dining tables were squeezed in and a kids table was set up in the bedroom my mum used to share with her sisters. "Chairs" were some actual chairs, footstools (called pouffés then), a laundry hamper etc

We had to walk over the bed to get to our table and then adults were handing us stuff over the bed to eat got quite tricky when it came to the gravy but we managed I think mainly as we knew if we spilled it on the eiderdown gran woulda KILLED us!

With the ocd, yes I would struggle with the scenario you have illustrated, but I would suck it up for the day and then disinfect everything when I got home without them knowing

These are your child's relatives, they don't sound abusive or unkind in any way. Compromise is key here - if you're compromising dh and his family have to also.

I just came back from a weekend away with my brother, SIL, mom and dad. I get both sides, truly, but please bear in mind that you parents and law won't think it is the substandard food, cleanliness, tray tables etc you are rejecting. They will think it is them

Families are as unique as shells in a beach. No two the same, and each will know things to their own traditions, you yours and their's their own. They would find as strange and uncomfortable the traditions that you or your parents adopt, from higher quality food to meals at a table.

It isn't necessary for you to eat food, but please, make it equitable amongst your respective parents in law. So much on mumsnet I hear about MIL/FIL from hell and basically telling them to do one, but there will still be a part of them that delights in you/your partner and your/their grandchildren. And favoring one set of parents in law over the other can be incredibly heartbreaking for the rejected parents, even if you didn't like their Iceland turkey, they will never know that because in their culture, that's just where you (and to be fair me) Christmas shop.

I'd do meals at neither PIL and stick to your own family meal from here on. And that isn't because you hate either (although there are things you dislike) - this is just for the sake of being equitable

You haven't mentioned OP whether you rely on your partner's parents for childcare etc. But sending a message that their house isn't good enough for you may have unintended consequences or leave you with a bill for childcare for a day you didn't anticipate, should you use their services for a break/supermarket shop/school pick up etc

Are they kind and loving? Do they make you feel welcome? That’s all that really matters.

I suppose it depends on one's understanding of the purpose of Christmas dinner. If it's to be around family, then they seem to do that just fine. If it's some sort of hostessing competition, they clearly aren't interested in competing. Your DH thinks Christmas is about the former. I think you'll have a difficult time convincing him that he's wrong, and that he shouldn't spend Christmas there because they do Christmas wrong.

Do they even want to host Christmas? It sounds like they can't be bothered making even the most basic of efforts?

It doesn’t sound great at all, but surely seeing your husband’s family is more important than the food they serve and the way they do it? Presumably they don’t enjoy visiting you either but they suck it up and do it anyway? I love Christmas but I think if you have a partner then you have to compromise and not enjoy it as much as you would in the years when it’s not exactly how you want it. I know I don’t really enjoy it when I’m at my husband’s family home,and I’m sure he’s the same when he’s at mine. My parents are probably more like your in laws but I’ve always had the most wonderful Christmases with them.

It sounds awful, I honestly bother!

Wouldn't bother

to make that crystal clear - Christmas visits to both but you do you at mealtime. Maybe its because I was raised Catholic and remember Mass being a nause that day and could be substituted for home visits - I don't know distances but maybe you visit them (or them you) - one for brunch and one for supper. Your meal is your own. Don't mix them because if they are anything like you describe, they are as alike as an eel and a crab and won't mix well

How far away from you are they? Can you drop in for part of the day rather than the whole day?

I'm hating reading some of these that table tray = they don't bother

Your in laws don't seem unkind so I would go with the flow. See what your DH thinks. Messy tables etc don't bother kids. Bullying/arguing/ tension does though sad o if there is that them that's different.

As a poster mentioned, the relationship isn’t quite there. We get on fine and no disputes or anything but we just are very different people so have little in common.
To answer someone else, ILs don’t provide any childcare or support us in any way at all. Not even bringing food round when DS was born or no wedding gift etc so there’s no consequences.

DH fully understands the difference between how we live and his family but he also doesn’t want to upset them for being them as they see their lives as being very normal (as most of us do). The last thing I want to do is upset them too, so I think starting our own traditions and seeing family n other days will have to be the compromise

It's completely unreasonable to invite someone for a meal and then make no effort. In this case not only is the food disgusting but it's also unhygienic. The PIL have chosen to eat dirty crap (let's be real) so it's them who have created the situation. Why should the OP have to suffer because of someone else's selfish choices?

I strongly suggest that the OP refuses to go. Maybe leave it to husband's discretion as to what excuse he gives his parents. To be fair it appears that neither of the PIL knows anything about food or cooking so even if they did want to make an effort it would probably be a disaster. But until they at least try not to serve garbage, they are out of order inviting people to eat.

Do not go, OP.

Can you go for some of the day? Preferably the parts without food. I did this after one too many of my former MIL's uncooked pig in a blanket and 3 day old trifles.

ILs are about 90 mins away and my family about 2 hours away so I don’t really want to be travelling on Christmas Day itself

I feel ill just thinking about it to be honest.

They sound like a bunch of weirdos, I'm with you on this.

Ok so, that's fair enough. I'm a trainee ed psych and do hear of in-family disputes often in my practice, I just think differences in 'what/how we do things' and 'how much we care' are just that. Myself, my own background and family's is much as your DP's - and the Iceland shop and tray on TV rubs off on me because that's what I know - even if we could have more

"It's completely unreasonable to invite someone for a meal and then make no effort. In this case not only is the food disgusting but it's also unhygienic. The PIL have chosen to eat dirty crap (let's be real) so it's them who have created the situation. Why should the OP have to suffer because of someone else's selfish choices?

I strongly suggest that the OP refuses to go. Maybe leave it to husband's discretion as to what excuse he gives his parents"

The OPs husband would have to agree that his parents are serving him and his four siblings and their respective parties "dirty crap" in order to start making excuses. There is nothing within OPs posts to suggest that he is willing to do this.

We've had some systemic (aka family therapy) training this year - not the Jeremy Kyle/Dr Phil intervention sort, more so the realisation that the 12 months you may have impriming and attachment forming between you and your LO on maternity leave, family relationships are that on a longer term and more gradual over time.

please tell me what dirty crap is?