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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

298 replies

Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:05

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

  • they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
  • they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
  • they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
  • MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
  • their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP posts:
saraclara · 28/10/2021 21:50

Do you go and stay there, or is it just for the day?

If it's for the day, why not make Boxing Day (or Christmas Eve) your special day and meal for the three of you?

We've had 'alternative Christmas Days' for a variety of reasons (nurse daughter working on the day, a holiday, an obligation to, yes, spend the day with people who serve a very ordinary meal)

TolkiensFallow · 28/10/2021 21:51

No…stay home and host. Your child needs his own traditions

Original poster
Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:55

In laws do mean well but their hygiene practices really put me off food and I find myself watching DS like a hawk so he doesn’t drop something and put it in his mouth.

I totally wouldn’t mind hosting them but DH is one of 5 and with all the partners and their kids, we really don’t have space for all of them. In laws like to have everyone together and they wouldn’t even consider coming to us (I have suggested it previously and was dismissed immediately).

starting our own traditions also seem a good idea and I’d love that for DS. I think as the family grows, things will have to change and in laws may have to consider different ways to do Christmas.

I also don’t think my ways are better as someone suggested, but they are my preferences.

OP posts:
Vanuatu · 28/10/2021 21:55

Dirty house, bad food and no dining table for Christmas dinner.
What's not to like? Shock
I am with you on this op, I will not eat food in a house with questionable hygiene. And I am not a cleaning fanatic by any stretch.

Thepennysjustdropped · 28/10/2021 21:56

Family traditions don't have to last forever and people can start new ones. The best Christmas I ever had was the first one DH and I had as a family, and we've had Christmas just us and dch pretty much every year since. It's wonderful. See your (and his) relatives before or after Christmas Day.

Mum2jenny · 28/10/2021 21:57

Concoct a positive Lateral Flow test, google how the kids do it. I think it involves certain types of squash. Then you can avoid in the sense of safety to all!!!

Caterinasballerinas · 28/10/2021 22:00

The problem with any of the alternating suggestions is that at some point it’s the year you least prefer and that hangs over you and gives all the feelings of worry that the bigger picture probably can’t wipe out.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/10/2021 22:00

It sounds awful but (sorry) you come across as being really snobbish 😬

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 28/10/2021 22:01

The no table, eating on laps and eating whatever wouldn’t bother me. But the double dipping, and dirty home with a toddler would definitely bother me. There is a big difference putting up with a dirty home yourself, but when you have children it’s different.

Have you suggested to your DH you guys host? If he’s not willing or insisting you go and you don’t want to fight about it then, I’d drop it, pretend your happy to go along and then o dear you and DS come down with something at the 11th hour.

Seraphical · 28/10/2021 22:03

Do you get on well with them in general? If so, start the conversation with them now about what you can do to help. Could you offer to get a food delivery organised? Would they be happy for you to help them prepare some of the meal? Yes it's not your job to host but it might relieve some of your (well-founded) anxiety about the cleanliness if you have the opportunity to ensure at least some of the meal is pleasant and edible. Try gently broaching the subject of the table, suggesting that DS would like to feel more "grown up" sitting at a table with the adults (even if it is in a high chair). It sounds as if they are kind people and they obviously want to see you all but perhaps they are just not used to hosting guests. They might be only too happy for you to do some of the preparation in exchange for more time to spend with DH and their grandchild? If all else fails, take plenty of vodka with you. It is good for cleaning as well as drinking!

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 28/10/2021 22:06

Sorry cross posted with your update. No go on the hosting.

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 28/10/2021 22:06

@3scape

You sound hugely uncaring and a terrible guest. In your fabulous upbringing with tables and timing I take it noone ever bothered to point out to you you're there to visit people you care about and enjoy their company? You're so rude and precious please excuse yourself by faking an illness and let everyone else have a nice time without you're disapproval bringing it all down.
Quite cross as the faux outrage about op’s penchant for tables just made me choke on the cake I was eating. Op, honestly! Tables! How middle class of you 😂
Ionlydomassiveones · 28/10/2021 22:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/10/2021 22:14

[quote Redcart21]@heywassuphello we alternate years going to each of our families houses. I’d actually prefer to even just stay in our home just 3 of us but DH is having none of that[/quote]
What does this mean. What happens if you just calmly say, no thanks I'm not going. I'm going to have Christmas Day at home?

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2021 22:14

But you didn’t want to stop it last year at your parents op? And you knew totally what they were like before you agreed this alternate arrangement. And you’d no desire to stop when it was spending time with your parents,

Cryalot2 · 28/10/2021 22:15

I am with you op.
Dirty house ( mine is not spotless I admit but am fanatic about hygiene in the kitchen and with food)
No way would I eat dinner on my knee.Its round either the kitchen table or dining room at Christmas.
We always stayed at home . We invited others on boxing and new years day. Though sadly my boxing day guests will soon be no more due to passing on and ill health.
No way should you and your son go on Christmas day. If your dh wants to then let him .

SnackSizeRaisin · 28/10/2021 22:15

I think you can decide what you want to do as your own unit. In laws don't get to dictate. So you can invite them (not all the rest of the siblings) and if they prefer not to then that's fine but you don't have to go to theirs.
Personally I wouldn't mind too much about the things you mentioned apart from the horrible food. I wouldn't go if the food wasn't at least reasonable. It doesn't have to be exciting - but hot food at a reasonable time is necessary. If it's dirty I wouldn't stay too long as it would be awkward with a young child.
Your husband will have to compromise but so will you.

GiveMeAFrigginBreak · 28/10/2021 22:18

From my second Christmas with DH I made a point of doing something different each year - not very different, but I wasn't going to have my in-laws expecting us to host Christmas lunch every single year, or expecting us to come to theirs - not because I wanted to be awkward, but I didn't want it to become an expected thing that would be a major grievance if we suddenly wanted to change things and go skiing, or have Christmas lunch in a hotel.

it's too late for you to do that, but every agreement we make with other people only lasts until it's changed. However, if you leave the change much later, your DC will be disappointed not to go to Granny and Grandad this year.

I agree with others - suck it up this year, change to once in three from the year that you would have spent with your family, and have a special family Christmas lunch at home on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve.

Christmas usually involves some kind of compromise - maybe your in-laws wouldn't choose to spend it with you.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 28/10/2021 22:22

I hope your son does not grow up and marry someone who decides YOU are not up to HER standards and insists your son not visit you on Christmas. Or maybe I should say I hope he does so you can see how it feels.

Classica · 28/10/2021 22:23

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I hope your son does not grow up and marry someone who decides YOU are not up to HER standards and insists your son not visit you on Christmas. Or maybe I should say I hope he does so you can see how it feels.
Honestly, people taking such umbrage because the OP doesn't want to eat crap food on a plate on her lap. Calm yourselves.
DeepaBeesKit · 28/10/2021 22:30

I’d actually prefer to even just stay in our home just 3 of us but DH is having none of that

Why does his view override yours

lisaandalan · 28/10/2021 22:31

Invite them to yours when it's your turn to go to theirs, then everything will be to your standard. X

EmeraldShamrock · 28/10/2021 22:31

Start a new tradition, visit them in the morning.
If DP is one of five they're not going to be alone.
I dropped out of family dinners 3 years ago I'm one of five, no-one cared.
We'd visit in the morning, the morning was boring for my parents it broke up the day.

Original poster
Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 22:32

For all those posters who say I shouldn’t mind eating on my lap on a sofa- I do this year round without grumble when I go there. It’s just Christmas Day I don’t want to do it. Have you tried eating a roast on your lap squashed up with 5 people on a 3-seater sofa? True story- 3 christmases ago as I cut into a carrot, my plate tipped over all over my jeans. Yes I should have been more careful in hindsight but that was the line.

OP posts:
WeeWelshWoman · 28/10/2021 22:35

I'm a big fan of Christmas day in my own home. Don't mind a bit of traveling either side of it, but there's something lovely about going to bed in your own bed on Christmas Eve to be woken by an excited child the next morning.

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