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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

298 replies

Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:05

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

  • they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
  • they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
  • they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
  • MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
  • their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 28/10/2021 22:36

Well, if your dh's parents have 5 dc, and presumably the family will expand with partners, and all the other dc, then things will change anyway.
It is very normal to start your own family traditions once you start your own family.
When you have adult dc, it is strange the first year they aren't with you, but it is a normal, natural part of them growing up and starting their own families.
year 1 - you go to your family
year 2 - go to in-laws
year 3 on your own
year 4 host your family
year 5 host in laws

I think this is a great idea.

Or you could compromise by having your own little family's quiet Christmas on Christmas Day and then invite all your dh's siblings and partners, plus his parents to a less formal buffet / gathering on 27th or whenever suits.
Yes, when dh and I were first married, we went to my parents one year and his the next, but as he and his siblings started their own families, the arrangements evolve, and we always have a buffet / get together on another day, when there is less pressure and less 'anticipation' of 'the perfect meal'. Much more relaxing and everyone sees one another.

Original poster
Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 22:36

I also wouldn’t mind not seeing my family on Christmas Day. I’d happily see them another day if it meant it wouldn’t cause upset with the in laws if we started our own traditions.

OP posts:
sceweredbbq · 28/10/2021 22:38

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I hope your son does not grow up and marry someone who decides YOU are not up to HER standards and insists your son not visit you on Christmas. Or maybe I should say I hope he does so you can see how it feels.
I’m with the OP, I’d not want to eat horrible food in a dirty house. Plate on my lap I don’t mind. I’d not have a husband who also told me I have to suck it up either.
DeepaBeesKit · 28/10/2021 22:39

Ps OP. Not in the least snobbish to want christmas dinner at the table.

I don't like christmas at my in-laws either. Mine are the only children in the family (DH siblings and cousins all well into 30s and no kids yet) and they like a very "adult" Christmas - everyone overdoes it on Christmas eve up late drinking, no one gets up for "breakfast" until 11. They then don't do presents until before dinner at about 6pm and expect to eat the meal very late, when our children are too tired and hungry and it's well past bedtime. Its crap for the kids.

At home our kids would be up going nuts over stockings at 6am. We'd make them wait to go down for presents under the tree until after breakfast, then they would spend the morning happily playing with new stuff, and we'd have a big long christmas lunch at 1. Nice walk in the afternoon and we are sorted!!

SarahAndQuack · 28/10/2021 22:41

I agree with others your DH doesn't get to override your views, but practically, going 50/50 on decisions won't mean staying home, it'd mean seeing his family some of the time, so that doesn't get you far.

I'd say pick your battles. The thing with tasting spoons is grim. Your DH ought to be tackling that. If he can't make any headway it's time for 'oooh dear, DS and I keep getting dicky stomachs, no worries, we'll bring our own'.

Frankly, I think objecting to cheap food is princessy, especially if you expect 'the highest quality'.

My in laws are similar to yours - house is grim, the food is always cheap, shit, badly cooked, with a floating cloud of cat hair. We always eat on our laps. There aren't enough actual seats for everyone, so you are always trying not to elbow someone else/searching for a place to perch. But I think you have to distinguish between 'this is grim and a health hazard' (the tasting with the cooking spoon), 'this is not my personal preference' (eating on your lap) and 'this is probably not what they would prefer either, but it's what they can afford'. Being a dick about the last one of those is not ok.

myheartskippedabeat · 28/10/2021 22:45

Just say sorry I'm not going to that dirty hole I'm off to my family

End of

DeepaBeesKit · 28/10/2021 22:47

Weewelshwoman
Me too. I hate being away at Christmas. We were always at home for it and my parents continue my grandparents traditions - they come to us. I have siblings so they rotate around, it works well. Everyone in my family is agreed that we like the kids in their own beds on Christmas, so father Christmas knows where to find them!

Wimblingwombling · 28/10/2021 22:48

Sorry- haven’t read full thread. I’d offer to host if that was possible

gorgeousbimbam · 28/10/2021 22:48

You sound like a spoilt child. Your husband wants to spend Christmas with his family and they want to spend it with you and their other children. It is one day and you are an adult. Sit on the floor with the roast so you do not drop it. Your child will not remember dirt and tesco value food. They will remember noise and family and chaos, exactly as it should be. On a different day over the vacation, do a big Christmas meal at yours, exactly as you wish and do it your way. We have multiple Christmas meals, all completely different and we love them all. And believe me, I know a thing or two about meals in foul houses and licked spoon dipping.

WillyWollyWandy · 28/10/2021 22:49

No flaming here. If they can’t be bothered to make an effort any Christmas, then I wouldn’t be bothered going there at Christmas.

katienana · 28/10/2021 22:53

You can spend time with them anytime it doesn't sound like they care that much about Christmas. Start spending the day at home, I bet your dh didn't go to different relatives every year when he was growing up!
The alternative is to take control of the day a bit, book an online shop, take good wine etc maybe even do a buffet instead and have the turkey another day.
If it was me I'd not go though.

Notaroadrunner · 28/10/2021 22:54

Your Dh can't decide that you have to go so just say no. Let him head off and have his dinner with them and you either go to your family or have dinner at your house. Either way I wouldn't suck it up. He may have been brought up like that but it doesn't mean you have to accept or partake in their unhygienic methods. I'd push to stay at home and just visit them another day for a coffee.

Jumpingintochristmas · 28/10/2021 22:58

12 adults plus kids in a filthy overcrowded house with no table and shit food holds zero appeal.

Could you guys help… each couple bring a dish, DH and siblings help clean beforehand and set up temp table, mismatch chairs etc.

Dontlikeveg · 28/10/2021 23:02

@3scape

You sound hugely uncaring and a terrible guest. In your fabulous upbringing with tables and timing I take it noone ever bothered to point out to you you're there to visit people you care about and enjoy their company? You're so rude and precious please excuse yourself by faking an illness and let everyone else have a nice time without you're disapproval bringing it all down.
Yeah this. I don't know how you can back stab your husbands mother! Please don't say you've said the same thing to him. How disrespectful you sound.
HermioneKipper · 28/10/2021 23:03

Oh god no. I couldn’t bear it. It’s grim at my in laws but at least they have a dining table and the food isn’t disgusting.

Nope, I’d have to put my foot down. How can your husband think it’s ok?! Especially after he’s had a lovely Christmas at your parents. I wouldn’t be able to eat any meal there TBH.

Surely you don’t live like this at your place so how can he think it’s ok for a special meal like Christmas dinner

Latecomer131 · 28/10/2021 23:09

OP, if I were you, I would push for Xmas in my own home going forward. To your DH/His parents, I would emphasise that it isn't fair to your DS not to be in his own home to play with his new toys on Xmas day.

If people complain that you went to your parents' last year, well he was younger then, but now he's a bit older, it's more important that he gets to enjoy Christmas in his own home going forward, etc.

Also, any pps implying that you're a snob for wanting to avoid your in-laws Xmas "meal" are being ridiculous. It's not as if you are being a princess who is turning her nose up at food that didn't come from Waitrose, you would simply like to eat at a table and have basic hygiene observed during food prep.

AutumnLeaves21 · 28/10/2021 23:11

It’s not about a “picture perfect” christmas or the op Being a princess. This sounds like a really chaotic and disorganised environment and I personally feel really anxious in situations such as this. Op it sounds like my worst nightmare and I wouldn’t go either.

frazzledasarock · 28/10/2021 23:11

You could both go to your own parents for Christmas.

Or stay home

I’d just refuse point blank to do the Christmas dinner at IL’s with questionable hygiene.

I’d tell my husband to suck it up as I’d just not be going.

You could do the gift exchange on Boxing Day and not eat at theirs. Sounds sensible.

SarahAndQuack · 28/10/2021 23:13

@gorgeousbimbam

You sound like a spoilt child. Your husband wants to spend Christmas with his family and they want to spend it with you and their other children. It is one day and you are an adult. Sit on the floor with the roast so you do not drop it. Your child will not remember dirt and tesco value food. They will remember noise and family and chaos, exactly as it should be. On a different day over the vacation, do a big Christmas meal at yours, exactly as you wish and do it your way. We have multiple Christmas meals, all completely different and we love them all. And believe me, I know a thing or two about meals in foul houses and licked spoon dipping.
TBH, having a child with similar in-laws - no, little children don't magically adore things just because they're dirty or noisy or chaotic. They very easily draw conclusions that they're not wanted if there's nowhere for them to sit, or no food when they're hungry.

I agree the OP maybe ought to suck it up about some aspects of her in-laws' Christmas, but pretending children have a special adoration for filth is silly.

TheGirlCat · 28/10/2021 23:14

YANBU Put your big girl pants on and say you are spending Christmas at home as a family unit and that's that, no more discussion. End of story.

It really is as simple as that.

Ginger1982 · 28/10/2021 23:15

Your DH must surely see the difference between your folks and his. Has he never commented on it? Have you dragged him up to your standard of living?

readwhatiactuallysay · 28/10/2021 23:18

@Redcart21

I also wouldn’t mind not seeing my family on Christmas Day. I’d happily see them another day if it meant it wouldn’t cause upset with the in laws if we started our own traditions.
So there is your answer.

You do his parents this year, as agreed, then next year no visiting on christmas day "as our DS is now 3 and wants to be at home with his presents. See you boxing day for a turkey butty !! "

Job done.

tickledtiger · 28/10/2021 23:20

Try to wriggle out of it I suppose?

But never tell them the reasons you’ve given in this thread 😬

DancingQueen85 · 28/10/2021 23:25

Since having children we always have Christmas at our house. People can come to us if they want. I think it is totally fine to establish this approach

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 28/10/2021 23:31

I used to feel similarly about Christmas at my in-laws, and would start dreading it in around the October of “their” years.. I think part of the problem though was that the relationship wasn’t there.. I’d maybe have been able to suck it up more if they had been lovely people I enjoyed spending time with. I don’t know if there’s any truth there for OP?
Anyway.. the late meal may be your excuse with ds.. just not doable with a toddler! Could you do an earlier lunch at yours and then spend the afternoon with them, but leave before they had dinner? We sometimes made that work. (And now I’m single and spend it with my lovely dc and / or lovely friends - that’s maybe too drastic a solution though Grin)