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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

298 replies

Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:05

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

  • they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
  • they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
  • they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
  • MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
  • their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP posts:
Cuntness · 28/10/2021 21:23

@notanothertakeaway

I'm not refusing - I offer to eat brunch with them 😁😁

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2021 21:25

@Bluntness100

Personally I think it’s a bit shit to agree to alternate years, go to yours then refuse to go to his. You weren’t refusing when you were having him miss Xmas with his parents to go to yours. So yeah you knew what they were like, you should not have made th agreement.

Go this year and then miss Xmas with your folks next year and set a new precedent.

At some point something has to change. Why can’t it be this year?
H1Drangea · 28/10/2021 21:26

Oh God , that sounds awful
I don’t like going to my inlaws and they’re nowhere near as bad as that

Namenic · 28/10/2021 21:26

Suck it up. If you want to stay home, use the year which would be with your parents. Or you could do a 3-yearly rotation. But personally i’d suck it up - it’s 1 day.

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2021 21:26

At some point something has to change. Why can’t it be this year?

So disingenuous, 😂

irregularegular · 28/10/2021 21:26

Hmmm. I will assume that a) they want you to come and prefer it to coming to yours b) they are basically nice people. If so I'm afraid I think you just have to suck it up and spend Xmas there once in three years, alternating with your parents and being at home. Your tastes and preferences don't outweigh everyone elses.

On the other hand, they may prefer to come to you or are not bothered about seeing you on Xmas day at all. In which case hosting at yours or going to your parents makes everyone except your DH happy and he doesn't get to set the rules.

If they are not nice, kind, loving people then they don't get a say!

SalsaLove · 28/10/2021 21:27

Perhaps it’s time for you and your DH to start your own family traditions? That way your son can have Christmas Day in his own house with his toys and the family can come over later for lunch. That’s what happened in my family. A bit strange at first for the grandparents but the older generations have to hand over to the younger ones.

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2021 21:27

@Namenic

Suck it up. If you want to stay home, use the year which would be with your parents. Or you could do a 3-yearly rotation. But personally i’d suck it up - it’s 1 day.
Exactly. She made the agreement to go, she got him to go to hers und that agreement, so she should go to his and then change it when it’s her parents who they don’t see.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/10/2021 21:27

I think I'd go. All those things are annoying but not enough to ruin xmas. My in laws are unhygienic when it comes to cooking, I just offer to buy and cook some food. I'd just say to her that you'll bring and sort whatever part of the meal you're most bothered about. It's one day, you can still have a lovely sit down meal with your own family another day. Just because they do things differently, doesnt mean your ways are better (I say that as someone who never has tv dinners but I dont think it's awful if you do, my kids have done it very occasionally and think it's a massive treat)

EmeraldShamrock · 28/10/2021 21:27

Can you host?

I wouldn't like this set up either OP, it isn't snooty not enjoying a TV dinner in a dirty house with a toddler on Christmas day, it's my idea of a nightmare.

As it is near I'd firmly tell DH it's the last year.
wake up with a fake sickness bug or covid symptoms Christmas morning

MiddleParking · 28/10/2021 21:28

I would struggle to stand that to be honest. I think saying you never want to go there is probably a bad move marriage-wise though. I think the one in three arrangement mentioned above is the best compromise, but your husband would need to be open to a compromise. If he wasn’t, I would become a lot less compromising myself.

HumphreysCorner · 28/10/2021 21:32

Aw as soon as DH and I moved in Christmas was at ours and that was 21 years ago. Sadly we have lost a few of the family along the way. X

Strangevipers · 28/10/2021 21:33

OP you know what you have to do. You have to host! Host his family and your family at yours. If your house is too small get creative. Even have your family over for lunch and his over for dinner or your going to have to bite the bullet

EmeraldShamrock · 28/10/2021 21:35

One of my Dsis and DH spent Christmas dinner apart for 15 years, each with own their parents.

Beautiful3 · 28/10/2021 21:37

Just stay at home.

StopGo · 28/10/2021 21:38

@heywassuphello

Why aren't you going to your side of the family?
Why aren't you and DH hosting. All taking it in turns.
Mygodicanteven · 28/10/2021 21:39

@3scape

You sound hugely uncaring and a terrible guest. In your fabulous upbringing with tables and timing I take it noone ever bothered to point out to you you're there to visit people you care about and enjoy their company? You're so rude and precious please excuse yourself by faking an illness and let everyone else have a nice time without you're disapproval bringing it all down.
This. With bells on.
008NoTimeToDiet · 28/10/2021 21:43

You have your own new family now. I'd possibly suck it up one last time this year as your son is too young to remember, but your own little unit in your own home is my idea of ideal, from now on. However, I can't deal with the spoon-licking disgustingness, so for that alone, I'd be staying home this year. They can come to you.

heywassuphello · 28/10/2021 21:43

@Redcart21 ah, in that case I think it's fair. It's his family, he's not being horrible by wanting to split the time fairly between the 2 sides.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 28/10/2021 21:44

You host and get them to come to you. That is a reasonable compromise if it's not nice going to their place but your DH wants to see them and it's their turn. Tell them that now you've reached the toddler years, it's much easier to be in your own place with child's own bed, toys etc around.

godmum56 · 28/10/2021 21:48

while I do feel for you, I think you either have to change the system or suck it up....how about pre or post christmas visits to both sides and have christmas just the three of you because toddler.
I don't think you can go to yours and not go to your inlaws.

MrsWhites · 28/10/2021 21:48

Develop a Covid like cough and sore throat on Christmas Eve!

No seriously, it doesn’t sound very Christmassy eating Christmas lunch on a sofa, the hygiene element doesn’t sound great either so I wouldn’t want to go either but if you spent Christmas with your family last year and you agreed to alternate Christmas’ then I think you might be a (tiny) bit unreasonable to back out of your agreement now.

peaceanddove · 28/10/2021 21:49

Would they be offended if you contributed some nice stuff from Waitrose?

CamilleCottin · 28/10/2021 21:49

I'd stay home and invite them to yours.

Or see them but not for dinner. We don't have dinner with family anymore, as we're too spread out and numerous now! So we see them for drinks, Christmas cake, sausage rolls or whatever and then go our separate ways for dinner. I love it actually!

secretbookcase · 28/10/2021 21:50

Start to introduce changes:
year 1 - you go to your family
year 2 - go to in-laws
year 3 on your own
year 4 host your family
year 5 host in laws

That way you only have Christmas Day at theirs once every 5 years which is perfectly manageable. Just visit them before the day or on Boxing Day with lots of presents and fuss and jollity and they won't feel neglected.

I felt like that about NYE and in-laws. They insisted we come then didn't celebrate. All sat around for hours in the living room discussing how they didn't want to make a fuss then said 'That's it then' and went to bed. Meanwhile my family and half their village were having a bonfire party on the beach with live music and fireworks and bubbly. I could have cried.