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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

298 replies

Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:05

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

  • they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
  • they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
  • they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
  • MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
  • their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP posts:
Eilatan2018 · 29/10/2021 19:24

The hygiene would be my issue! I agree that it’s a special day and you want to feel special. I would put my foot down.. go and visit but eat at home!

Vix1977 · 29/10/2021 19:29

@bluebeck

I hated being carted around at Christmas as a child. I just wanted to stay home.

OP I think you either try to stay home every Christmas, invite people to yours, and if they don't come, they don't come.

Or, at the very least, you agree to one year at ILS, one at DPs, one at home with just you, on rotation.

Me too!!!

You get all these amazing presents and then you don't get to play with any of them 😂😂😂

badg3r · 29/10/2021 19:34

I think the most important thing to bear in mind is that you probably only have one or two more Christmases like this tops. Once your DS is bigger and especially of you have another, it becomes more and more difficult To travel for Christmas. I know very few people who as kids spent every Christmas alternating between grandparents houses. Can you pop over for a few hours or are they too far away?

boomboom1234 · 29/10/2021 19:40

I would stop the alternative Christmas thing now you have kids. The older your son gets he will want to be home with his pressies. See them Boxing Day or day after.

Bluntness100 · 29/10/2021 21:03

I think op thag if you refuse to see his thn you need to accept you won’t see yours.

Sounds like it’s a big family Xmas with all his siblings so the state of the house and the standard of the cuisine isn’t critical to them all. It is to you. Explain that to him

Gerwurtztraminer · 29/10/2021 22:46

OP, if you do crack and go this year, my tip is take a solid lap tray for your plate.

At least that way you won't end up with your half cold unappetising Christmas dinner tipped down your nether regions. Oh and given the hygiene factor, take your own cutlery and lots of anti-bac wipes.

DavidDevantsSpiritWife · 30/10/2021 09:49

As an aside, one year exMIL served turkey dinosaurs and chips for Christmas dinner with a frozen value cheesecake for dessert. She also made a hug fuss that she'd bought 'champagne' for Christmas day. It turned out to be a bottle of Lambrini - she thought that champagne was a catch-all term for sparkling wine. It wasn't a money thing, she was very comfortably off. She was just a nob.

Happily that was the last Christmas I had to spend with her.

Don't go, OP. As people on here are fond of saying, no is a complete sentence.

sybillalle · 30/10/2021 11:20

🤣 at the Lambrini

Delatron · 30/10/2021 11:33

So their house is too small for a large dining table to seat 12? So they’re basically being punished for not being wealthy enough to host a huge Christmas dinner? I feel sorry for your DH that you are being so judgy. I’m sure he’s well aware sitting with meals on laps because they don’t have enough room to seat everyone is far from ideal.

What’s the alternative? You see your parents every year because they are wealthier and have a big enough table and money to spend on nice food?

Your best compromise is to invite them to yours every other year if that’s an option. Or offer to go out and pay for a meal?

I do think people are acting like the DH’s parents are forcing you all to sit on the sofa with food on your laps whilst the grand dining room sits unused... it’s clearly the only way they can host. I just feel sorry for your DH to be honest.

If your DH survived their dirty house (probably with a robust immune system) I’m sure your toddler can cope with a day or two there.

HauntedVag · 30/10/2021 11:36

Even Jim and Barbara Royle sit at the table for a roast!

Delatron · 30/10/2021 11:37

But what if they don’t have a big enough table? Or even a dining table?

Cheeseplantboots · 30/10/2021 11:55

We went to my parents for years. Getting up and loading the car with all the presents was a nightmare. I have 4 siblings who all have kids, then my mum would invite a friend or two and one year she even invited 2 random people who were renting a house they owned. Usually around 20 people in all. Once there, the day was disorganised and dinner was usually served around 6pm. By the time we had our third it was such a nightmare, with 2 babies and our severely disabled son I just couldn’t do it anymore. We now have Christmas at home on our own and it’s lovely. Parents usually come xmas eve at some point. sIL and BIL usually come for dinner.

My mum had the hump for years but she’s given up griping about it now!

Delatron · 30/10/2021 12:05

To be fair one year I went to my parents and forgot all the presents for the kids!! So we didn’t go again for a while.

One year we hired a house near to them and they came to us as we could then host with more room. We had to throw ££ at it though.

irregularegular · 30/10/2021 13:04

I haven’t read whole thread but just wondering why ‘it’s best’ for a two year old to be in their own home for Christmas? As a child I loved being surrounded by family at Christmas and still do

Oh I agree! I was just going to post similar. Not so much the two year old, but as they get a bit older. Each to their own and all that, but I really can't understand all these people who strongly prefer to spend Christmas day just at home as a small family! For me you would lose most of the pleasure of Christmas by not spending it with extended family or friends. We have the rest of the year to eat dinner just the four of us, and I'm just not that fussed by the presents part! Before my mum died we always spent Christmas at my parents, along with my sisters and their families. We stayed a couple of nights. I never felt that loading up the car with presents was remotely a problem. Now we host my sisters and their families here. Which is much more work for me! But either way, I'd hate to spend Xmas just us. I'd probably look for friends in a similar position if it looked as if that was what we were going to have to do.

(to be fair, I didn't much enjoy the one Christmas we spent with my ILs, but they are not British and do not live in the UK so it was largely cultural differences. They did New Year much better!)

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/10/2021 13:23

I'm with @irregularegular I loved seeing family at Christmas and still do. My DC are the same. There are loads of days when the presents can be played with. I've been lucky in that we have usually hosted so haven't had to travel often but the DC had lots of helping, church, visiting the local hospital etc to do when they were young before presents were played with. Family time is the main point of the day for us.

GirlWithAGuitar · 30/10/2021 13:26

Each to their own and all that, but I really can't understand all these people who strongly prefer to spend Christmas day just at home as a small family! For me you would lose most of the pleasure of Christmas by not spending it with extended family or friends. We have the rest of the year to eat dinner just the four of us, and I'm just not that fussed by the presents part!

There’s not really anything to understand, just that people are different and have different families.

We’ve always had xmas at home, just the 4 of us. To be honest our extended family aren’t people I want to spend that much time with and I want to enjoy the day. I don’t want to listen to them talk shit, make inappropriate comments and question how I can possibly not eat turkey at Xmas (I’m vegan). When the kids were younger they wanted their toys so that was also a big factor in wanting to be at home. We’ve always bought them lots of presents.
At home, just us, we get to spend the day how we want to with the people we actually want to be with. We do see family over the Xmas period, just not on the day and just for a couple of hours at a time. Trust me, that’s enough. We spend lots of time with friends.

irregularegular · 30/10/2021 14:06

There’s not really anything to understand, just that people are different and have different families.

OK. I'll rephrase that. What I really meant to say is that I'm surprised that so many people would prefer to spend the day on their own as a small family. Obviously it does rather depend on quite liking and enjoying the company of your parents, siblings etc! And I did say that if I couldn't spend it with my family (also to include now, not really liking spending time with them) then I would choose to spend it with close friends instead.

GirlWithAGuitar · 30/10/2021 14:17

And I did say that if I couldn't spend it with my family (also to include now, not really liking spending time with them) then I would choose to spend it with close friends instead.

But our kids wouldn’t really want to spend Xmas with our friends. And definitely not their kids. My kids are teens, some of our friends have very young children. We’re all happier with it just being us, we get on really well and have a lovely day. Just accept that people are different. I could think of nothing worse than being around loads of people on Xmas Day. Other people love it and that’s fine. We really appreciate having a few days just us.

PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2021 14:26

Obviously it does rather depend on quite liking and enjoying the company of your parents, siblings etc!

I love them. Christmas with them is often lovely chaos. It’s also lovely having calm Christmas at home. Wanting to spend Christmas at home doesn’t reflect how much I like my siblings.

Horst · 30/10/2021 14:31

I certainly didn’t want to be dragged around all day as a child. I wanted to be at home with my new presents in my normal surroundings where I could be me.

Not having to dress up, be dragged around, ambushed by cousins either way older who wanted to baby me or by younger ones who wanted to bug me.

MintyCedric · 30/10/2021 14:39

I agree that things need to change going forward, but at this stage I think you should suck up this Christmas with your in laws.

Your family had you for your baby's first Christmas which is a big deal to most grandparents...it's quite late to be moving the goalposts and really not fair to put your DH in a difficult position at short notice.

Ask if you can take something, offer to help with the cooking...

I'm not dismissing your POV because I had difficult in laws (well MIL) and my own mum is quite tricky too. We ended up two years running staying with my parents Christmas Eve, having lunch with them, then getting straight in the car and driving halfway up the country to BIL as the PILs were there but demanded we come as well. DD was 15 months and 2 and bit.

I put my foot down after 2 years and we had Christmas at home on our own after that.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 15:36

@Redcart21

I recall you stating that you have asked your In Laws to join you and DH at your house but they said no.

OP, You are entitled to have your own Christmas traditions too.

Here you go:

''I respect that you have your reasons for enjoying Christmas in your your home so I know you will accept that we would like to have our Christmas Day in ours. I am sure you understand'.

DH can still see his parents over Christmas but his priority is you and DC.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 15:39

Christmas should be about happiness not duty. If ILS really cared they would not expect you to be uncomfortable at Christmas. You have respected their decision to decline your kind invitation so they will respect yours.

It's your Christmas too.

Aria999 · 31/10/2021 01:57

Give them some of those lap trays with cushions attached underneath for Christmas.

It would solve the carrots over the trousers problem.

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 08:56

If you went to your family for your DS’s first Christmas last year then I think you need to suck it up this year - it would be incredibly unfair on your DH to have agreed alternate years, do your family and then change your mind.

Next year your DS will be older so you can say you want to stay at home with him instead so he can play with his presents.