Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

(298 Posts)
Savvy99 Sat 11-Sep-21 21:06:10

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

OP’s posts: |
thisplaceisweird Sat 11-Sep-21 21:08:21

I think your dad is totally out of order, projecting something.

Sounds like your husband was dressed fine. I really don't think it matters what people are wearing at a funeral as long as it's dark and smart.

dementedpixie Sat 11-Sep-21 21:08:58

Your dad is out of order
Your dh's outfit sounded fine and perfectly respectable

KirstenBlest Sat 11-Sep-21 21:09:57

@Savvy99, what your DH wore sounds fine. Funerals are a bit like weddings in that emotions run high. Your DF is grieving and lashing out.

Be there for him and cut him a bit of slack., Don't tell your DH. He was fine.

Sorry about your loss flowers

Hellocatshome Sat 11-Sep-21 21:11:07

I think what he wore was fine, your Dad is being odd and even more odd for saying something to you, what are you going to do turn back time?!

Guavaf1sh Sat 11-Sep-21 21:12:38

Don’t tell your husband what was said but really give it to your father badly!

Iwant2move Sat 11-Sep-21 21:13:11

I think there is nothing wrong with what your husband wore.
At my husband’s funeral, I do not recall what anyone wore. I do recall the people who made feeble excuses not to attend.
I don’t think your dad can have been that upset at the loss of your grandmother if he had the headspace to notice what people were wearing.

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DanielRicciardosSmile Sat 11-Sep-21 21:13:13

Does your Dad also insist women wear black veils? Or perhaps mourning jewellery?

Changethetoner Sat 11-Sep-21 21:13:32

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

WhatsTheBFD Sat 11-Sep-21 21:13:58

Your Dad is weird AF.

dementedpixie Sat 11-Sep-21 21:15:25

He did have a black tie on
Who cares if he didn't have a jacket on when it was hot?

thisplaceisweird Sat 11-Sep-21 21:15:38

Changethetoner

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

I knew this person would be along soon.

AramintaLee Sat 11-Sep-21 21:15:49

Grief can make people think and say the strangest things. Don't mention it to you DH and just try not to take it too personally.

Auroreforet Sat 11-Sep-21 21:17:28

If its your df's dm he's projecting.
It's not nice. When my fil died my dh told me I was just after his father's money.
I put it down to grief but I still called him out on his unforgivable remark.
Tell you df that you accept he's grieving but his remarks are hurtful and uncalled for.

Lindy2 Sat 11-Sep-21 21:18:41

Your dad is being very unfair. Your DH was there and was smartly dressed - that's absolutely fine.

I really can't believe anyone has commented on what he wore. Is your dad struggling with his emotions and lashing out at things that he wouldn't normally?

tenredthings Sat 11-Sep-21 21:19:09

Your dad might in some way resent your husband. Having lost his wife , maybe part if him wants his daughter just for him. Grief comes out in strange ways.

HalfTermHalfTerm Sat 11-Sep-21 21:19:10

Your dad is being highly unreasonable and very rather nasty to say that your husband wasn’t brought up properly. I’m assuming that your grandmother was his mother, but it’s still a horrible thing to say. Is he normally like that?

I’m sorry for the loss of your grandmother flowers

Halo1234 Sat 11-Sep-21 21:19:59

Your dad is being ridiculous. Not needed and not kind to complain or try and humiliate someone because of what they wear.
Whats is his goal here? Seems he is out to cause hurt feelings. I am sure lots of people did not comment on his outfit but why does he want u to belief they did. And throwing offence to your partners parents by saying he wasn't brought up well is a very low blow.
Your partners outfit seems totally acceptable for a funeral. If this behaviour is out of character for your dad then I would be firm and tell him he is being offensive but ultimately agree to disagree if it kept the peace. If its normal behaviour I would probably go low contact.
I mean if he turned up in shorts and t shirt maybe but he had put in an effort. And was dressed smartly. Your dad's behaviour is unacceptable think u did the right thing not telling your partner.

ToykotoLosAngeles Sat 11-Sep-21 21:20:29

I don't think the husband of the deceased's granddaughter is subject to any particular etiquette as "close family"! A friend of mine has 9 grandchildren. Nobody is monitoring 9 spouses' outfits.

purpleme12 Sat 11-Sep-21 21:21:38

No I don't think it's a faux Pas at all!
In fact none of the funerals I've ever been to have been strict about clothes!
I'm finding it hard to believe people commented on this apart from your dad

Zilla1 Sat 11-Sep-21 21:21:46

The clothing you described doesn't seem inappropriate and I'd be suspicious that 'multiple people had commented on it'. Irrespective of that, the 'shows he wasn't brought up properly' was completely out of order and he should be brought up on it the next time you speak.

Zilla1 Sat 11-Sep-21 21:22:49

The last two services I attended had men in a range of clothing. The respect is paid by the attendance and behaviour, IMO.

ParkheadParadise Sat 11-Sep-21 21:23:19

@thisplaceisweird
😂😂😂😂
Aye, it didn't take long.

MissM2912 Sat 11-Sep-21 21:23:32

I can see where your dad is coming from. This wouldn’t go down well in my family either. They are just old school and want to be seen as doing the traditional thing.

Thesearmsofmine Sat 11-Sep-21 21:23:38

Your dad is being unfair.

Is he usually like this or do you think he is grieving and has for some reason seen your DH not being in a suit as some kind of slight and it has built up in his mind?

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