Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

You dad sounds like a low level bully. It might be his mum's funeral but he doesn't get to dictate to others. Does he often throw his weight around?

I'd just say your comments are noted and I disagree, let's leave it there.

Your dad is being very rude and unreasonable. The only thing I can think is that he is grieving his mum and it’s made him temporarily lose all perspective.
What your husband wore is fine and respectable to wear to a funeral.

I would be tempted to tell df your dh will be sure to be suited and booted when it's his turn...

We went to a funeral last week.

I can't even begin to explain the dress code. From full suits to jeans. I was quite to be honest. But the main thing was that they made the effort to attend.

Maybe it's an age thing, (I'm in my 50s now), but most people I know have a funeral outfit. As in clothes suitable for funerals. So we aren't caught out if the occasion sadly arises. Do younger people not do this nowadays? Be prepared? Once you have it, you have it, and don't have to stress about what to wear. I always check the funeral notice, to see if there is any specific requirement - as in "bright colours may be worn", but if there isn't, and especially for an older person, the norm, to me , is to dress formally.

All the funerals I’ve been to (in Scotland mostly), all the men wear full suits.

@Guavaf1sh

Don’t tell your husband what was said but really give it to your father badly!

Seriously? The guy may be wrong but he's just lost his mum and is grieving. If ever there was a time to cut some slack, this is it.

OP your dh has done nothing wrong. Hopefully your dad will realise this in time.

Put it down to your dad grieving, don't tell your DH and try to move your dad past it, gently but firmly.

Several of my dd's friends wore Celtic football tops to her funeral.

I’ve just been to a very grand funeral. There was a huge range of mourning. Some extremely formal, some much less so. Everyone was respectfully dressed and you could tell they were acknowledging the loss the family suffered. Your husband was just fine, OP. Sorry for your loss.

I wont care what anyone wears at my funeral, I wont see it, their presence would matter more to me and the fact that they are celebrating my life. I suppose funerals have different meaning to some people.

Sorry for your loss.

I have unfortunately been to more funerals than I would like and truthfully, the men have always worn a jacket. I would think your husband was only half dressed if he turned up like that … but I wouldn’t comment on it and I don’t believe anyone else would either.

Dh didn't even wear a suit to his father's funeral. Your father is out of order. I'm sure nobody even commented on it at all - just your father making up shite to suit his agenda.

Funerals are funny things. I once wore a lilac dress - because the deceased loved that dress and always commented when I wore it. I covered it with a black jacket but a niece of the deceased gave my mother alot of hassle over it (despite me being an adult).

So long as your father doesn't mention it again I would let it go as part of his grief. I would not mention to your DH.

Sounds to me as if your dad is lashing out - grief can translate into really hurtful things that just aren't true.

After my dad's funeral, my grandfather (my dad's dad) went off in a rage about something really trivial - something along the lines that the caterers were rubbish. .

Ignore it.

@Changethetoner

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

Honestly, don't talk bollocks.

My own DF passed away last month and his funeral was a week ago. I wore a black dress, my DSis wore black skirt, a bright coloured blouse and a black jacket. Her DSs (early 20s) wore dark blue suits, my DD wore a black and patterned dress. I really did not care what people wore, although I was a little surprised that many older people of my DF's friendship group wore floral etc, only because I assumed they would be more traditional. It was a warm day and many men took of their jackets, It did not occur to me to think they were being disrespectful. I have been to funerals that request 'bright colours only' or 'wear something pink/purple etc'

Tbh at some funerals not wearing a full suit would be considered underdressed and likely the guy is just lashing out in grief. Don't take it personally.

My own dad said something really nasty when he lost his mum and I said “dad, I know you’re grieving and you know I love you but you can’t talk to me like that. You know that”. Then I walked out, got him a cup of tea and said something along the lines of “crap day, love you”. Never mentioned it again and neither did he. He knew he was out of line and regretted it.

You can be very clear it’s not okay but also be kind to someone in a bad place. Personally I wouldn’t tell my OH in this situation.

Your dad obviously doesn't much like your choice of husband and has kept schtum so far and now thinks "fuck it" and is being a bit petty about his outfit because he doesn't like the bloke. Exactly the sort of thing my dad would do.

As others have said, your father is projecting.

That said, if he has everything else including black suit trousers, he might think about buying a black jacket or even a blazer, which would give him a blue suit and a black suit. You can get one easily for under £100, and it would round out his wardrobe. It'll probably last years if not decades. (In fact, I've just looked and you can get a straightforward M&S black jacket for £45.)

Grief is weird.

Don’t take it to heart. Ignore

Your dad is grieving, just forget about it. Don’t tell your husband

I think turning up, being respectful and wearing clean/tidy clothes is the important thing.

I’m sorry about your grandmother.

My aunt was unhappy my DH didn't have a jacket for my grandad's funeral. He wore a dark purple shirt and black tie. But he was considered underdressed. Its definitely a generational thing, your DH was dressed fine, she can think differently.