Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

I doubt multiple people commented on what your DH wore to the funeral but, grief and the stress of organising a funeral, can do funny things to people.

The funeral I went to recently had a family member of the deceased wearing jeans. I thought it a little unusual but just assumed they didn’t have an alternative to wear. The important thing was they were there, not what they wore.

As a verger at funerals, I have never seen any man without a jacket, even this week when it was 25C+.

I am always shocked that very few wear black ties (but I am Scottish).

Your dad sounds judgmental. I didn’t notice what most people wore to my fil’s funeral. I was grieving!

Personally I wouldn’t have anything wrong with what your husband wore but when your in the midst of grief, it can do really strange things to a person. My brother died really young and I can remember my mum being hysterical about not being able to find an appropriate hat. It’s not about what your husband is as wearing, it’s just a side effect of grief

I agree with others about projecting. Sometimes grieving people need somewhere to put their anger. My DF died in March having suffered hugely due to lack of care because of Covid. My DM has massive misplaced anger about something to do with the flowers at the funeral and some alleged slight by a friend of my DF, if she didn’t funnel it in that direction she’d have to face the the things she’s really upset about, like her husband suffering for a year and dying and not one of her friends bothering to get in touch during that time or afterwards. I think it’s a way of coping, it’s not fair (on your DH), it’s not right, it’s not nice, but it isn’t an unusual thing to happen. I’d let it go for now.

@MissMarpleRocks

It would be seen as disrespectful in my family & community for your dh to be dressed without a suit jacket. And yes it would be commented on to his face on the day most likely, especially as he was family. I’ve been to several funerals & I can count on one hand where men haven’t worn a black suit.

Sounds like a fun bunch of people!

Going against most here, but I think it's odd to wear "half" a suit tbh.

Either wear a suit or don't.

But I agree that it's probably not about that.

I went to a funeral recently, it was hot so many of the men didn't wear jackets. I did notice one woman wearing back trousers and a black t-shirt with a large 'Versace' logo on the front and I thought that was a bit casual, but then figured that maybe that was the only black top she owned and so what, really it didn't matter.

Your dad is grieving and probably just lashing out. It's not nice to have heard but I would give him a pass and forget it. I'd be really surprised if anyone commented on your husbands clothes or even noticed them.

@Auroreforet

If its your df's dm he's projecting. It's not nice. When my fil died my dh told me I was just after his father's money. I put it down to grief but I still called him out on his unforgivable remark. Tell you df that you accept he's grieving but his remarks are hurtful and uncalled for.

I had pretty much the same with my DH when FIL died a few years ago. It took me a while to push my hurt feelings aside and realise that he was grieving and handling it really badly.

Sounds like your DF is lashing out - that's not to excuse his behaviour but perhaps to understand better what it's all about. I'm pretty sure he doesn't really care about your DH's outfit, it's just a way of letting out some of his emotions.

Grief makes people lash out.

Personally I go full chic for a funeral; my MIL wore slacks and a bobbly old jumper for her husband’s. Who caaaaaaares the point is the funeral, not the outfit. Don’t let it worry you, your dad is going through something, your DH hasn’t done anything wrong. Don’t tell your DH. Your dad will forget this, I imagine – in all the fog.

Next funeral I go to I'm going to have a good look at everyone's outfits.

My cousin wore black biker leathers. It was great. Gave hope that life would go on.

A cousin's wife wore a skirt that my mum deemed inappropriate but the wife was lovely and kind to me as a youngish person having to sit alone at a funeral. That was much more important than what she was wearing.

Wellies and waterproof trousers to another funeral as it was in a field in the rain.

My Dad lost the plot a bit after my Grandmother died, he just didn’t cope well. He is normally a even, happy, smart, joy to be around, dependable man. For a few months he was withdrawn, angry and awful to be around. Thankfully he is good again now. Could your Dad just be going through something like this?

When my grandfather died I wore to his funeral a floral skirt with black background and a fuschia blouse. I kind of stood out in the sea of dark suits but my grandfather loved bright colours and hated dark ones. If any of the family were offended no one said anything.

@Djifunrsn

Your dad sounds judgmental. I didn’t notice what most people wore to my fil’s funeral. I was grieving!

Do you think there's a tiny chance that someone might grieve more deeply for their mother than for their father-in-law? Or that people might grieve differently?

My grandmother adored my grandfather; she was floored when he died and she never got over it. But she was quite able to notice who wore what - to her, it was a sign of respect. When she herself died, I'd been nursing her for several months and she'd talked to me many times about her own funeral. She was absolutely clear what she saw as a sign of respect.

That is how some people cope.

Going against most here, but I think it's odd to wear "half" a suit tbh. Either wear a suit or don't.

Eh?

1. You have not seen people wearing trousers, shirt and tie before?
2. You don't think people should wear trousers without a corresponding jacket? I think shirt, tie and bike shorts would have looked odder myself.

I'm probably your dad's age. (I was brought up to believe you wear black to funerals, and for men that means a black suit and tie. I recognise this might not be the experience of others.) But over the years life in general has become more informal and rules that used to be strongly regarded, have often been discarded. I think there's a general acceptance now that you just look smart to show respect. I don't hold that showing up in scruffy jeans is OK just because they showed up. People wouldn't appreciate it at a wedding and it's the same at a funeral. I do make an exception for old people because they might find it difficult to find the correct dress and for people coming in the middle of work and are dressed in what work expects.
I think what your husband wore is fine for these days. He looked clean and smart. But your dad just lost him mum so maybe he thought that being direct family, not wearing a jacket was disrespectful. If he is usually a reasonable man and has a good relationship with your husband, I'm sure he'll come to his senses. Don't mention it to your husband, tell your dad he's wrong without making a huge issue out of it, and move on.
Sympathies on the loss of your grandmother.

Your dad is getting a good slating on here tonight, but he just sounds old school to me, my dad is the same, they respect the old ways and traditions. It’s true that years ago people wore full black to a funeral as sign of respect,

I also agree with Changethetoner
My dc in teens and 20s know what is traditional and 'expected' in many circles for a funeral.
I do think - if your dh didn't have the money to get a suit, then perhaps a black shirt might have been less obvious?

However

I also agree that your Dad was rude and it was inappropriate to bring it up afterwards. He is no doubt grieving and people do respond oddly in grief. Telling your dh about your Dad's reaction isn't going to help anyone, but that doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of people in the country (and quite possibly at the funeral) who were thinking the same as your Dad.

Yes, I agree with Changethetoner that it is normal to have "something appropriate for a funeral" in your wardrobe as an adult.

I've promised my mum when it's her turn to go I'll wear a pink or blue dress.
She hates dark clothes

@Iwant2move

I think there is nothing wrong with what your husband wore. At my husband’s funeral, I do not recall what anyone wore. I do recall the people who made feeble excuses not to attend. I don’t think your dad can have been that upset at the loss of your grandmother if he had the headspace to notice what people were wearing.

@Iwant2move He's lost his mother, he's grieving. People grieve in different ways. It doesn't mean he isn't 'that upset' by the loss of his mother.

Your dad is grieving and projecting that into his comment. Let it go, don't mention it to DH but just move on.
(TBH I would also expect jackets to be worn at a funeral but I wouldn't comment on it.)

@10yearwarranty
Honestly, don't talk bollocks.

Just because you think differently doesn't mean you have to be so rude.

I would 'expect' a suit jacket (or blazer etc) for a man at a funeral (unless specifically told otherwise)

I did buy a suit jacket for my 17 year old for my dad's funeral earlier this year (and in all honesty did consider it for the 10 year old but instead he just had a smart black jumper over a school shirt)

What nonsense. Lots of people don't even wear black any more.

hopefully the grief and anger has had a chance to ebb a little for your poor dad. I think like others it’s lashing out at someone because he was angry at the world and looking for a focus. Something that made the funeral less than ‘perfect’ for him was your DH not meeting his preconceived idea of correct dress.

If he brings it up again, and if you can be gentle…. would your grandmother really care what DP wore, or that he was there, supporting you, honouring her?

That her memory is not tarnished if people were grieving and remembering and that’s what happened, and your dad should be proud of how it went. You could say other people were not in suits but you’re really glad they were there for you and the family, isn’t your dad?

And also you’ve very clearly said your DH was wearing the best outfit he could find for your grandmother’s funeral, and that’s what matters. That he was showing respect in trying to choose clothes that he felt were sombre and smart.