Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

I've been to a few funerals lately and been asked to wear a bright colour each time.
I thought funerals must be becoming less formal.
If in doubt I go for traditional black, but I've often seen people in just their darkest clothes.
I'd say your husband was fine, but it was probably the grief talking unless your father is normally like that.

Your dad is a judgemental dick.
I doubt anyone else said anything.
Don't tell your DH.

I think it’s a generation thing. I can see why he would have expected a suit, but he shouldn’t have said anything. And no one should have to buy a suit just for a funeral.
Grief does do funny things to people though.

Thanks for all the responses and advice! I think those of you that have said it’s about more than clothes are bang on. Sadly there is sometimes a bit of tension as my husband isn’t as ‘middle class’ as my family (hate that term but you know what I mean).

When my dad said it I responded to him by saying that I genuinely thought my husband’s outfit was fine and that no offence was intended. I’m not planning on speaking to my dad about it again as I can’t see anything good coming from it (and he is grieving the loss of his mum so emotions are quite high).

It would be seen as disrespectful in my family & community for your dh to be dressed without a suit jacket. And yes it would be commented on to his face on the day most likely, especially as he was family. I’ve been to several funerals & I can count on one hand where men haven’t worn a black suit.

Your dad is getting a good slating on here tonight, but he just sounds old school to me, my dad is the same, they respect the old ways and traditions. It’s true that years ago people wore full black to a funeral as sign of respect, but all forms of respect are dying out, people do dress less formal even to funerals “nowadays”. I went to a funeral a couple of years again and one woman, I kid you not, was wearing flip flops, cropped trousers and a cheap horrible vest top, now that is want I would call disrespectful! I would let it go, your dad is probably still grieving xx

Your dad is being unreasonable I think. Your dh dressed respectfully enough. I've been to funerals and seen a wide variety of outfits including dark jeans and a jumper...although, to be honest, my dh wouldn't dream of attending a funeral and not wearing a suit

Everyone I know would thing that's fine to wear for a funeral x

@Changethetoner

Maybe it's an age thing, (I'm in my 50s now), but most people I know have a funeral outfit. As in clothes suitable for funerals. So we aren't caught out if the occasion sadly arises. Do younger people not do this nowadays? Be prepared? Once you have it, you have it, and don't have to stress about what to wear. I always check the funeral notice, to see if there is any specific requirement - as in "bright colours may be worn", but if there isn't, and especially for an older person, the norm, to me , is to dress formally.

wow I am in my late 60's and don't own a funeral outfit, never have had nor would I ever think of having one.

@Changethetoner

Maybe it's an age thing, (I'm in my 50s now), but most people I know have a funeral outfit. As in clothes suitable for funerals. So we aren't caught out if the occasion sadly arises. Do younger people not do this nowadays? Be prepared? Once you have it, you have it, and don't have to stress about what to wear. I always check the funeral notice, to see if there is any specific requirement - as in "bright colours may be worn", but if there isn't, and especially for an older person, the norm, to me , is to dress formally.

I'm 60 and never in my life have I had a funeral outfit sitting in the wardrobe waiting for people to die. Most people I know don't either - but having said that I don't actually know what "most people I know" have in their wardrobe and doubt you do either. What I do tend to have is a pair of black trousers that can be paired up with a smart, fairly conservative top. Sadly I've been to a few funerals in recent years, people from widely varied backgrounds and at none of them was everyone dressed formally in black. A lot of me wear black trousers and tie, a shirt that might be coloured, and some sort of outdoor jacket or coat.

I think your dh was fine and as pp said - grief is weird.

I think this is one of those generational shifts tbh. In my parents generation men wore jackets and tie or suits for anything remotely formal or non-labouring. More recently - say my dh's generation - nearly every man owned a suit, even if they didn't use one for work - they had a dark suit for formal occasions/weddings/funerals/fancy parties. Now a lot of the time men don't wear a suit for work and don't have one in their wardrobe either but wear other smart clothes for more formal occasions. My boss commented to me a while back that he was at his grandson's first communion and was surprised at how many of the dads at church were wearing smart jeans/chinos/dress shirt instead of jacket and tie.

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally.

Nonsense. It's 2021. I've been to a lot of funerals - I'm that age. OP's husband's outfit is perfectly fine - if anything on the formal side. The last funerals I went to was a lady of nearly 80 whose family are definitely old school, and there was a range of formality levels. Nobody sniped - we were there to pay our respects and support the living.

Your dad is lashing out in grief, but what he is saying is wrong and deeply unkind and unreasonable.

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

Is that you mother? We've talked about not doing things like this.

I'm so sorry everyone, it's my fault- I should never have shown her how to use the internet. If she bothers you again just @ her with: Cliff Richard is Gay and she'll beggar off to listen to Living Doll on repeat.

Your dad is focusing on this to avoid focusing on his mum's death. Condolences to you all @Savvy99.

YANBU.

Sorry but your dad is being ridiculous, and it’s certainly not “highly disrespectful”. Sounds like he was dressed smartly and appropriately.

What your DH wore sounds fine ( and there’s no need to tell him what was said )
As a side note ( and now a funny story )
When my dad died , DH tried on his black suit , which was years old and the DC and I fell about laughing , he looked like Joan Collins in Dynasty with his shoulder pads
Off we went to M& S and bought a black suit
I appreciate not everyone can afford to do this though
DS had a suit ( dark grey ) and DD wore black school trousers and a nice top , I wore a grey floral dress and black jacket

This is just plain odd. I've been to two funerals in the last couple of years and I don't think anyone wore a black suit. What your husband wore was perfectly fine and no one will have raised it with your dad, he might have raised it with people and they they agreed with him to his face (but secretly thought he was wrong).

Your father is being ridiculous, possibly due to grieving, so pay him no attention.
Do not tell your husband, no reason to upset him.
He was dressed appropiately by the way. If anyone said anything is because they are idiots!

I’m not sure I’d believe your dad saying that multiple people remarked on your husbands choice of clothing.

@donquixotedelamancha

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

Is that you mother? We've talked about not doing things like this.

I'm so sorry everyone, it's my fault- I should never have shown her how to use the internet. If she bothers you again just @ her with: Cliff Richard is Gay and she'll beggar off to listen to Living Doll on repeat.

🤣🤣😄

Grief can make people extremely sensitive. At my grandpa’s funeral, the funeral directors ran things perfectly and were very professional. But apparently my dad saw one of them smile to the other, and complained they were ‘laughing and joking around and not taking it seriously.’ Instead of dealing with his emotions from the day, he picked up on that one little thing to focus on that apparently ruined everything. It sounds like your dad is doing similar.

Your dad is just grieving. He's lost his mum. Don't make a big thing of how he expresses his grief - he's likely not himself. If he's usually a nice person - even if he has some issues with your DH - chances are he's just speaking from his grief rather than anything else.

If I were you or your husband I'd be saying you're so sorry he's so upset, and you feel really bad, and you miss your gran too. And I'd say it in exactly those words - because it's true, you are sorry he feels bad, you do feel bad, and you do miss your gran. Perhaps in a few months your dad will be able to admit he massively overreacted about something trivial - but right now he just needs the verbal equivalent of a pat on the shoulder and a big hug, I think.

It's strange how these things can prey on your mind. When it was my uncle's funeral (he was in his late 80s) a fairly distant relative turned up with her husband - he was in jeans and she was in crumpled beige linen trousers and a summer blouse. I know it wasn't important, but it really fucking annoyed me - they weren't youngsters who wouldn't have had more formal clothes, they were both in their 60s.

I was irritated but was very polite to them both - haven't seen them since. I moaned a bit to my immediate family and sometimes (like now) I enjoy a good seethe! It's not important in the grand scheme of things.

I've been to funerals in recent years where younger people were very casually dressed, as in sweatshirts and jeans. I'm not a big fan of this, it seems a bit disrespectful to me. However it sounds like your dh was dressed smartly imo.

At my mums funeral last year I couldn't have told you what anyone wore, it was not high on my agenda, I think your dad is being
unreasonable.

@donquixotedelamancha

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

Is that you mother? We've talked about not doing things like this.

I'm so sorry everyone, it's my fault- I should never have shown her how to use the internet. If she bothers you again just @ her with: Cliff Richard is Gay and she'll beggar off to listen to Living Doll on repeat.