Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

The bottom half of a suit is a pair of trousers, ffs! Half a suit 😂
I'm imagining one leg of the trousers and one arm of the jacket, and the poor sod having to keep the non suit side facing the wall the whole time.

I think what DH wore was fine if needs must but a suit jacket would have been better. The Navy suit would have been OK. A suit doesn't need to be black, just subdued with a black tie.

A very off thing for your DF to bring up though.

My very proper Dad (almost 80) insisted on taking DSs out to buy new suits for DH's funeral. DS1 had plain navy, DS2 had quite a loud navy check, both worn with a white shirt and black tie.

Personally think it was a bit sloppy. I wouldn't have liked it. Probably wouldn't have said anything though.

Yes, I agree with Changethetoner that it is normal to have "something appropriate for a funeral" in your wardrobe as an adult.

I think I was in my mid 40s when I realised I now had the “funeral frock”. I unfortunately had 4 or 5 funerals in the space of about 3 months, wore the same dress for all of them (it’s quite flattering on me as I’m pudgy) and it’ll be the funeral frock forevermore. I couldn’t wear it to anything else now

I'm 47 and don't have a funeral outfit

When my dear mum passed away 2 years ago, we had the local Morris dancers at the wake and they came in their finery to the service. Mom was really involved with them and they were truly good friends of hers. They made everyone smile though on such a horrible day.

I didn't have a clue what people wore on the day. It's about paying respects and being there.

Sounds like your hubby was dressed appropriately. Take no notice of your dad.

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally.

Well, that’s utter bullshit. This is not the 1940s.

It sounds fine to me and I err on more formal side. If it had been colder and he’d have had a dark coat on and no one would have noticed.

Yes, I agree with Changethetoner that it is normal to have "something appropriate for a funeral" in your wardrobe as an adult.

Normal, eh? You have the stats to back that up?

I'd expect the close family to wear a suit at a funeral to reflect the importance of the occasion.

I am not surprised your dad was upset at the lack of effort.

I'd cut your father some slack only because of his grief, but if he ever brings it up again, I'd gently but firmly set him straight. How horribly snobbish! Only very petty people care that much about how someone is dressed, as long as they are respectful. Besides, it sounds like your husband was dressed appropriately for the occasion.

I would also expect a jacket too for a funeral.

I'm surprised at those who don't consider funeral etiquette but then I suppose they are just as surprised at my "traditional" views.

For me, it's consideration of the person and family who have passed. If it's an older person or someone who had traditional values then you wear black. Immediate family should be in plain black and full suit for men. Friends/less close family/other guests in black/dark colours maybe with a pattern. Men no need to wear a jacket if v warm but should wear black/dark tie.

I don't see this to be necessarily an age thing but reflective of how you have been bought up.

I was genuinely horrified when my mil turned up her mils funeral in peacock blue. She did the same thing this year at fils funeral (her ex husband). For me this is a huge mark of disrespect.

I would attend family/close friends funeral in plain black. Someone not so close in maybe a black and white dress. If the deceased specifically requested a colour then I would respect that and attend as requested. But never a bright colour unless requested.

My step mum still bangs on about my aunt wearing a white blouse to my grans funeral, according to her she should've been all in black. I say she was burying her mum and doing that you get to wear what you like

He's lashing out as he's grieving, don't agree or disagree and don't tell your husband.

Seriously, what a load of shite, all this angst about funeral attire. I'm all for appropriateness for occasions, it is important, but I could not get worked up about what people wear for a funeral. For me, it's one of those occasions where it really doesn't matter. My DW, only in her early 40's died earlier this year from cancer, we had a small funeral service (due to covid restrictions etc) and hope to have a memorial service soon. Myself and our DC couldn't give two hoots what people wore to her funeral and her upcoming memorial.

Doesn't it depend where you are?

I'm not convinced it's a simple as 'just wear a dark suit' now. I wore one to the last funeral I was at and felt overdressed. If I hadn't been family I would have felt very awkward. I'm in NZ.

@Youdoyoutoday

I can get really fussy about funeral attire but what your husband wore is fine. I really hate casual wear, jeans, not black, smart clothing at funerals, it bugs me but I never tell anyone that, just quietly seeth.

And why does some old bloke with a carrier bag always turn up?

For the buffet and food for the next two weeks. Hehe.

It's only a sign of a lack of respect to wear peacock blue to a funeral if the person wearing peacock blue deems it as such. Maybe it's a little strange to wear bright colours, unless it's specifically requested, but I'd never jump to "disrespectful", if the person was behaving respectfully.

Funerals are already so difficult! Why make them even worse with such rigid, unforgiving expectations and judgmental attitudes to something as inconsequential as the colour of one's clothes or whether or not a man wears a jacket on a hot day?

@stuffnthings. Well, as you say, that's for you. It doesn't make anyone else's expectations less valid or "shite" as you so nicely put it.

Funerals are not as formal as they used to be but in some areas, eg the east end of London, full mourning is still a thing. I didn’t wear black at any funeral I’ve been to but I think the men were mostly in suits.

The colour you wear has nothing to do with the love and respect you have for the deceased or the family. I think your DH was fine dressed as he was. He was there and that's all that really matters.

My lovely mum wore a pale pink dress to Dad's funeral because "your dad always loved me in this dress and he didn't like black". She also encouraged other people to wear colours "because Dad would have liked it". No one batted an eye and many came in colours.

Mum was buried in that same pink dress this past February.

At my late dhs funeral some men turned up in football shirts because my dh was known for his love of football. Had his team's flag on the altar as well.
Made me smile and made the day special!

@AcrossthePond55

The colour you wear has nothing to do with the love and respect you have for the deceased or the family. I think your DH was fine dressed as he was. He was there and that's all that really matters.

My lovely mum wore a pale pink dress to Dad's funeral because "your dad always loved me in this dress and he didn't like black". She also encouraged other people to wear colours "because Dad would have liked it". No one batted an eye and many came in colours.

Mum was buried in that same pink dress this past February.

Absolutely this - what beautiful words.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, she sounds lovely

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.
and
For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally

I was going to say I agree with this, but then remembered that at two funerals of young men (in their early 20s) last Summer all the other young men that were able to attend (sadly restricted numbers due to COVID restrictions, but still quite a few, over the two different funerals) wore black suits. I doubt they all had them in their wardrobes (though they do now) but they somehow all realised it was the right thing to do.

The people commenting about wearing bright colours when that was what was requested are talking about a completely different scenario which isn't relevant, as clearly this wasn't that kind of funeral.

@ilovemydogandmrobama2

Sounds to me as if your dad is lashing out - grief can translate into really hurtful things that just aren't true.

After my dad's funeral, my grandfather (my dad's dad) went off in a rage about something really trivial - something along the lines that the caterers were rubbish. .

Ignore it.

Yep. At my dad's funeral, my mum had requested no flowers. His sister sent some anyway (and she might actually not have known not to as she didn't live locally so wouldn't have seen the death notice in the local paper in those pre-internet days). My mum went nuts. Absolutely furious. I couldn't calm her down. It seemed bizarre, but grief and funeral day stress can do that.

I'd put it behind you, OP. And you're right not to tell your DH.

@MissM2912

I can see where your dad is coming from. This wouldn’t go down well in my family either. They are just old school and want to be seen as doing the traditional thing.

I agree with this, I have never seen a man at a funeral not in a suit, unless the funeral is an informal one where there is a more relaxed dress code. My Dad would have been upset if my DH had done this, he would have thought it disrespectful.