Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

In my culture, it’s not considered necessary to wear black or formal attire.
Quite frankly, I hope none of the judgy people on this thread are at my funeral passing snide comments about what my family and friends choose to wear.
I find it incredibly disrespectful to comment that someone would comment on clothing at a funeral. Short of 80 year old aunt Mavis turning up in 6 inch heels and bright pink hot pants, most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

I think it is sad that so many have moved away from 'tradition'

I don't agree. I think that it is great that you can now tailor make the funeral to suit the character of the deceased person and their family much more.

Time was when all funerals seemed to be church services regardless of whether the deceased was religious or an atheist. Everyone had to be clad head to toe in black, look as dismal as possible and for the music a few dirges were droned out.

Now it is so much better. Dress code can be anything within reason, from traditional black to smart casual. I've even been to one where the football strip of the deceased's favourite team was worn, with the rest of us in smart casual. Jeans etc.

Music can be anything from church music and classical to various shades of popular or folk music. I went to one where the deceased had chosen all of the music and we entered the crematorium to the strains of Whatever You Want by Status Quo.

Anything goes if you want it to, within reason I guess. Why shouldn't it? Why not tailor the service to suit the person?

Sorry for your loss. Your dad is highly unreasonable - your DH was fine. In addition, you thought he looked appropriate at the time, which also counts.

Your DF is very old school. Back in the day a man NEVER appeared without a jacket at formal events regardless of temperature.

But then back in the day, a man never went outside without a hat. I think the point about 'hadn't been brought up properly' was absolutely out of order irrespective about whether he thought the OP's DP was properly dressed or not.

I've been to a handful of funerals this year. Many men wore suit trousers but plenty wore black jeans. Some wore blue jeans. Most didn't have a blazer jacket on.
I was also surprised to see some women wearing full on floral maxi dresses, and one lady turned up in baggy light blue jeans and a tshirt (the type of clothing you'd wear to do some heavy gardening).
Your Dad is out of order, but as others have said, he's grieving and may be focusing on the wrong thing.

What your DH wore sounds fine to me the elderly people often have fixed ideas about funerals. Don't tell your DH. Try to.let.it drop as your Dad was very upset at the time he said it.

The point about funeral outfits is that you don't stand out because it's not about you. The usual rig out for men at the funerals I go to is a dark suit black tie and shirt. Women usually wear plainish outfits. Trousers or skirts. Other social groups as described by pp wear what they like and that's fine.
Your DF doesn't like your DH and doesn't think he's good enough. His grief loosened his tongue.
Your DH will have to attend other funerals in your family. He should buy a cheap dark suit or a dark coat.

At my funeral I want people to dress up, not down. I want them to dress up into their favourite clothes. I want the service outside, not inside. I want nice things said, not text and prose from musty books that are one hundred and fifty years old.

IMO people who would approach a grieving husband during a funeral to slag off his son-in-law's funeral attire are the ones who have not been brought up properly. Who does that?!

Your Dad is out of order. Don’t tell your DH anything, he did nothing wrong. But tell your Dad to sort himself out and I highly doubt anyone mentioned it tbh.

@hardboiledeggs

Your Dad is out of order. Don’t tell your DH anything, he did nothing wrong. But tell your Dad to sort himself out and I highly doubt anyone mentioned it tbh.

Tell the dad to sort himself out? He's just lost his wife.

@ParkheadParadise

I have a very vivid memory of my dd's funeral. Leaving our house going into the family cars, there was 3 cars so lots of family sorting out who was going in what car. When the funeral director appeared at my side and gently pointed out that I was still wearing my pink fluffy slippers. At 7 months pregnant I must have looked a right sight. 🙈😂🙈

God bless you my dear

Tell the dad to sort himself out? He's just lost his wife.

No he hasn't

What he wore was fine, a navy suit and black tie is also just fine too. I wore a purple dress with white flowers to my aunts funeral recently

Unbelievable. I've seen plenty of people dressed like that at funerals. I get that maybe your dad is emotional but your poor DH.

It’s not a problem at all . I’ve buried both my parents in the last 18 months . My children have worn full suits winter funeral and exactly the same as your husband to a summer one . They were smart and I was just happy they were there . I think one of them had a blue suit as that was whet he had

I totally agree with you @Topseyt, and that comes from someone who feels much more comfortable in traditional funeral clothes, and who likes a Church service. It is completely a positive thing that people now have more choice.

The point about funeral outfits is that you don't stand out because it's not about you.

This sums it up.

Tell the dad to sort himself out? He's just lost his wife.

Maybe read the OP properly?

@gofg

Tell the dad to sort himself out? He's just lost his wife.

Maybe read the OP properly?

Apologies. The dad has just lost his mother. My point stands. If you know about the Circle of grief the DF is at the centre of that. The OP's DH is way outside of the centre. Why didn't he just wear his blue suit?

So if somebody can't afford to buy a dark suit they should keep away??

Why didn't he just wear his blue suit?

That would probably also have been wrong because it wasn't black.