Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

South Wales here. Full black suit is expected on men for a funeral. Teenagers can get away with white shirt black tie and trousers. With a dark coat on top, but many are put in a suit by their mothers.

I think it's a regional thing, what is "expected at a funeral"

I don't think anyone should be as aggressive as to outright dissapprove of someone else's attire though! So your dad is being unreasonable there.

People are missing the point or not reading the OP fully. This is not about wearing black (which is usually reserved for immediate family). The OP’s father complained her husband did not wear a jacket!

And your point is ???? He was still being ignorant. I couldn't care less if people came in jeans or pyjamas - at least they made the effort.

Was this grandmother your dad's mum?

I only ask, because when people are grieving, they do/say some really weird stuff, and project a lot of mis-placed feelings at the wrong people.

My mum did it quite a bit when my dad died very suddenly. She'd latch onto really strange stuff to be mad about!

I'd just shrug it off personally. Don't mention it to your DH, it sounds like he was more than smart enough!

gofg My point is people were discussing wearing black and whether it is appropriate or not. The OP’s posted about wearing a jacket not the colour of it.

Saying her father was ‘ignorant’ when he is in the midst of/is grieving the death of one of his parents isn’t helpful. Nobody here knows the complexity or status of his relationship with his parent. Wearing appropriate funeral clothes is a show of respect. Saying wearing formal wear to a funeral is a mark of being working class is horse shit. . How many walked behind Prince Philip’s funeral without a jacket?

I think it is sad that so many have moved away from 'tradition'.

For people of modest means, funeral attire for a man would simply be wearing a black tie with their normal clothes, whether that be a black/navy/grey/brown suit or tweed jacket and trousers. No excessive shopping and no wondering what to wear.

The black armband seems to have died out too, sadly.

@SirVixofVixHall

The black armband seems to have died out too, sadly.

It's normally seen at sports events?

Different context, but not extinct.

@SirVixofVixHall

The black armband seems to have died out too, sadly.

I’m in my 50’s and I’ve never seen a black armband at a funeral.

@CraftyGin

I think it is sad that so many have moved away from 'tradition'.

For people of modest means, funeral attire for a man would simply be wearing a black tie with their normal clothes, whether that be a black/navy/grey/brown suit or tweed jacket and trousers. No excessive shopping and no wondering what to wear.

And for men who don’t own a suit of any shade, let alone a tweed jacket and trousers? Has it escaped your notice that a lot of poor people live in tracksuit bottoms or equivalent?

I think it’s a generational thing. Your dad is grieving and people express that in all sorts of odd ways.
I’d forget about it and move on.

I'm so glad we didn't have any of this stuffy nonsense at my parents' funerals.

I think it is sad that so many have moved away from 'tradition'.

I don't!

Unless explicity stated otherwise I'd expect black/ dark and smart, conservative clothing. A jacket does not automatically confer more respect.

Life has become less formal. Younger people are probably more likely to have a suit when they are at the graduation/ interviews stage than older people in the gap where work attire is less formal than it once was, and weddings/ funerals are fairly thin on the ground.

I have black work dresses that are suitable for funerals, and are more forgiving in variations of size than a suit.

Society should be working towards practical, useful clothing for repeated use rather than disposably buying occasion garments for pretty much single-use.

I think leaving it be is the right course of action and giving the benefit of the doubt that it is mis-placed emotions. But it does sound like there is an unpleasant, underlying predjudice in the comments rather than a truely out of character comment made in distress.

I seriously doubt anyone commented on what your dh was wearing. I can't remember what people wore at my dad's funeral. I was too busy mourning etc.

I have a very vivid memory of my dd's funeral.
Leaving our house going into the family cars, there was 3 cars so lots of family sorting out who was going in what car. When the funeral director appeared at my side and gently pointed out that I was still wearing my pink fluffy slippers. At 7 months pregnant I must have looked a right sight.
🙈😂🙈

@ParkheadParadise

I have a very vivid memory of my dd's funeral. Leaving our house going into the family cars, there was 3 cars so lots of family sorting out who was going in what car. When the funeral director appeared at my side and gently pointed out that I was still wearing my pink fluffy slippers. At 7 months pregnant I must have looked a right sight. 🙈😂🙈

That's horrific, God love you

I have a very vivid memory of my dd's funeral
I’m so sorry. It is all sort of wrong and every mother’s nightmare to bury their child.

@ParkheadParadise

I have a very vivid memory of my dd's funeral. Leaving our house going into the family cars, there was 3 cars so lots of family sorting out who was going in what car. When the funeral director appeared at my side and gently pointed out that I was still wearing my pink fluffy slippers. At 7 months pregnant I must have looked a right sight. 🙈😂🙈

Aw bless you Parkhead.

Sounds like your father looks down on your husband to me

@CraftyGin

I think it is sad that so many have moved away from 'tradition'.

For people of modest means, funeral attire for a man would simply be wearing a black tie with their normal clothes, whether that be a black/navy/grey/brown suit or tweed jacket and trousers. No excessive shopping and no wondering what to wear.

Not everyone has a suit or a tweed jacket!

My oh has neither. He does have black dress trousers but not a jacket.

He doesn't have much call for a suit so why would he have one?

Hm. I’ve never seen a man at a funeral not wearing a dark suit jacket. Unless the guy was very poor, it is the done thing to buy or rent one, yes. I think he’d have done better to wear his blue suit jacket than no suit at all, it is about sjowing respect in most cultures. If he is very poor then fair enough. But I don’t think your DF’s reaction was surprising.

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Have you not read the thread?
Maybe you don't care about social etiquette / tradition / social 'norms' and the fact that some people think it is about respect, but if you have read the thread, you will see that many people do. This isn't about your family this is about the OP's Dad, and he did care. Perhaps take from this thread that different people think differently.

I think it’s a generational thing.

Unfortunately I've been to 1 in person funeral and two streamed funerals of young men over a period of 12 months (all under 25 - separate circumstance and not related). ALL the young people attending were dressed respectfully and traditionally - including all the lads in dark suits. It's actually much easier / cheaper for men... you buy a dark suit and it comes in for weddings funerals and interviews.

Your dad is being ridiculous. What your husband was wearing sounds fine to me.

@Skysblue

Hm. I’ve never seen a man at a funeral not wearing a dark suit jacket. Unless the guy was very poor, it is the done thing to buy or rent one, yes. I think he’d have done better to wear his blue suit jacket than no suit at all, it is about sjowing respect in most cultures. If he is very poor then fair enough. But I don’t think your DF’s reaction was surprising.

and again someone pontificating about what "the done thing" is

I am in my fifties too and my Dad wore a black armband when he had to whizz to a funeral from work and then whizz back. Also when in mourning. We are Welsh, so maybe it lingered for linger here.
I am not sporty so didn’t realise it was still a thing in sports, I like that.

@ParkheadParadise

I have a very vivid memory of my dd's funeral. Leaving our house going into the family cars, there was 3 cars so lots of family sorting out who was going in what car. When the funeral director appeared at my side and gently pointed out that I was still wearing my pink fluffy slippers. At 7 months pregnant I must have looked a right sight. 🙈😂🙈

So very sorry to read this Park