Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

Your father's remark about DH not properly brought up was uncalled for.

That said, it is unusual to wear half a suit - IMO those wearing old badly-fitting ones were better dressed, for some strange reason.

There are just some times that a suit is called for.

Your dad was in the wrong. How your husband was dressed entirely appropriate. Times have changed.

Maybe your dad was just feeling a bit morose, try not to think about it and don't tell your husband.

Your DH was dressed appropriately and smartly - so unless your family has extremely strict views about what’s acceptable garb at funerals as per some of the posters on here it sounds as if he’s directing his grief and anger at something he feels he can control. Grief can make you lose perspective.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

My DH didn’t own a black suit when my grandmother died but he bought one for her funeral as we both knew he would be expected to wear one. My mum is very traditional though and would have found it disrespectful if he hadn’t been ‘properly dressed’ for her mum’s funeral (although she never would have said anything to me or him, but I know it would have upset her). We’re in Scotland if that makes a difference?
I agree that your dad is out of line though and presumably it’s due to his grief.

Your dad is grieving and he's found a random outlet in this non issue.

I would sit him down with a cup of tea and say it's so out of character for him to say something like this that you're worried about him. Turn the tables a little. You might want to add kindly but firmly that remarks about your DH's upbringing were rude and inappropriate and although you'll move past it given the sad circumstances due to bereavement, if they're repeated you'll be very hurt. Basically do the concerned parent act on him. I bet you get a proper apology

@MrsClatterbuck

When my grandfather died I wore to his funeral a floral skirt with black background and a fuschia blouse. I kind of stood out in the sea of dark suits but my grandfather loved bright colours and hated dark ones. If any of the family were offended no one said anything.

When my husband died, I let everyone know that he had always wanted people to wear colour to his funeral, but that people should wear what felt appropriate to them. So his funeral was a wild mix of the sober and the bright. DDs and I all wore shades of blue, because that was his favourite colour. We also did not have a single hymn because that wasn't his taste in music - we ranged from Mike Oldfield to Pink Floyd to Panic! at the Disco.

It's fine and appropriate
I was a bit not shocked but.. people wearing jeans etc to funerals when it's not stated as casual
I think my dad had a shirt, black tie and trousers on for my cousins but he had a coat on as it was cold. I had a dark grey dress, black tights and black heels with a black jacket. He was only 33 but it wasn't a colourful outfit occasion

I don't have 'funeral clothes' (although as I'm getting older sadly maybe I need them!), but I do have clothes that are funeral appropriate. It's not difficult to put together a clean conservative outfit to wear.
I do think its different for what the direct family wear to other attenders. Surely if it's your own relative you'd want to make an effort.

Funerals are a bit like weddings in that emotions run high. Your DF is grieving and lashing out.Be there for him and cut him a bit of slack.
This.

I think your oh's outfit was fine. Not everyone can afford to have a suit in their wardrobe for it to only be worn very occasionally.

I think grief has played a part in what your dad has said

I’m in Ireland so things are very different here I understand but we wear normal clothes to funerals. Very close family may wear dark, black or navy clothes alright but I don’t think anyone would care or notice what anyone wears here. Sounds like your dad is just upset and finding fault where there is none. I’m sorry for your loss.

Your dad is grieving. Just ignore what he said and move on.

@donquixotedelamancha

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

Is that you mother? We've talked about not doing things like this.

I'm so sorry everyone, it's my fault- I should never have shown her how to use the internet. If she bothers you again just @ her with: Cliff Richard is Gay and she'll beggar off to listen to Living Doll on repeat.

If your name is Sarah, her name is Linda and we all conspired to make sure she never heard a thing about Cliffie being arrested until it had all blown over and he'd been compensated, I'm changing my user name right now...

@Changethetoner

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

YABVU

Not everyone can afford to buy a suit to attend one funeral. The outfit described was respectful

Our Priest wears white Sannies under his cassock.
I remember after my mums funeral asking my sister if she'd see them.

@ParkheadParadise

Our Priest wears white Sannies under his cassock. I remember after my mums funeral asking my sister if she'd see them.

What are sannies?

my gran liked people to wear smart clothes, not gloomy ones, so no black at her funeral.

Many people do not own a plain dark suit.

When you peg out, would you want your family members to buy one, even if they couldn't really afford it?

I wouldn't.

Clothes are really not the point.

Dark plain trousers, a white shirt and a black tie are both respectful and traditional. if I knew somebody was going to a close relation's funeral and wanted something appropriate, I would not hesitate for a moment in lending them something. I bet lots of people wouldn't.

Are you all actors in King Gary? Sounds just like their sort of thing

Your dad is being silly.

FWIW when my dad was buried at a natural burial ground and so no ceremony, my mum was clear we should just wear normal clothes.

It was November and so I wore jeans and boots and a yellow coat. It was all fine.Dad dies at 93 and mum was 89 at the time

I'm old according to statistics (74) and I certainly don't want anything black at my funeral. (Other than wellies if it's wet as it'll be a meadow burial.) If anyone wears black I shall haunt them for the rest of their lives.

I should have added no formal clothing either. No suits, so ties. Cheerful colours.

Going against most here, but I think it's odd to wear "half" a suit tbh.

Yes I agree especially if its only the top half of suit

'No' not 'so' ties.

I can get really fussy about funeral attire but what your husband wore is fine.
I really hate casual wear, jeans, not black, smart clothing at funerals, it bugs me but I never tell anyone that, just quietly seeth.

And why does some old bloke with a carrier bag always turn up?