To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

(330 Posts)
strawberrydonuts Tue 31-Aug-21 07:13:26

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

OP’s posts: |
phishy Tue 31-Aug-21 07:15:35

YANBU, the ADHD is irrelevant, you invited her and +1, not +2.

Just tell her you don’t have capacity for anymore.

She is cheeky for asking.

Ohdoleavemealone Tue 31-Aug-21 07:18:55

I would say no. There is every chance they won't be together in April and you will have 2 spaces to fill rather than 3.

HugeAckmansWife Tue 31-Aug-21 07:19:17

Hmm. Normally I'd say it's your wedding invite who you like but this is a little tricky. It sounds like a nice trip for the girl and you don't know she's going to misbehave. You also don't know if she can 'easily' stay home with her mum. My ex's contact dates are set months in advance and I book stuff round my rare weekends 'off'. Assuming numbers aren't an issue why not just assume the dad will do what most parents would, take the girl out / away if there's an issue?

LizzieSiddal Tue 31-Aug-21 07:20:00

To start with the way you speak about this child is horrible.

Secondly it’s fairly common for a bride and groom not ot have met everyone at their wedding, as partners of work colleges or friends will come who’ve you’ve never met.

If you didn’t want an issue with “not knowing” everyone then you shouldn’t have invited your cousin with a plus 1, who you say, you aren’t close to.

bigbaggyeyes Tue 31-Aug-21 07:21:53

Your wedding, your choice. But you've made some big assumptions (she can easily stay with Mum), and tbh you sound a bit mean. If you're going on the basis you don't know her, and you've also said you're not close to your cousin then don't invite either of them.

Russell19 Tue 31-Aug-21 07:23:17

You're pretty much saying everyone is welcome apart from this one child. It's your wedding and you can do what you like but YABU to have an issue with this particular child. Any child can misbehave, it's up to her dad to take her away if she disrupts anything.

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Muststopeating Tue 31-Aug-21 07:23:31

It seems pretty mean to say its a child friendly wedding except THAT child.

Also if they are still together in April then it won't be new anymore and your cousin will be part of the childs life.

furbabymama87 Tue 31-Aug-21 07:24:50

I understand your concerns but I think I'd just let her attend, seeing as you're having other kids there. If you really don't want her to go, then say, but only if you're not bothered about your relationship with your cousin and understand that she probably also won't attend.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy Tue 31-Aug-21 07:25:28

If you’re being very open and welcoming about children otherwise, then I think it seems a bit mean to say no to this one particular child.
I get your concerns about her being disruptive but if you have a load of kids at your wedding there is going to be some disruption.
Not saying that’s a bad thing btw, we had lots of children at our wedding (including some we had never met) and it made for a lovely day.

WaterBottle123 Tue 31-Aug-21 07:25:44

God I can't think of anything worse at age 9 than to be dragged to mums new boyfriends cousins wedding. Would be so boring for a kid that age.

Sounds like cousin and boyfriend are trying to play happy families, tedious.

Say no for the sake of the poor child!

U2HasTheEdge Tue 31-Aug-21 07:25:51

I can't really see why it matters, personally. As long as you have the space.

You want children there. You have children's entertainment booked. One more child you haven't met isn't going to be a hardship is it? I think it is mean spirited to say this child can't come.

Does it really matter?

lannistunut Tue 31-Aug-21 07:26:15

If they're a family unit, i.e. the adults live together and the child stays for contact, then IMO you're being unreasonable excluding the child. If the adults are not yet cohabiting, then IMO yanbu to only add the +1.

Still1nLove Tue 31-Aug-21 07:26:37

I agree that it’s your wedding and I wouldn’t want this child there either.

newnortherner111 Tue 31-Aug-21 07:27:15

Your wedding your choice, if you choose to say no do so now not later. I agree about the comment that the relationship is new and might not last.

WhensomeonementionsMN Tue 31-Aug-21 07:27:44

How new is ‘relatively new?’ So they live together? If so I think you should invite her.

chocolateorangeinhaler Tue 31-Aug-21 07:27:48

Wow. Just wow. It's a nine year old child that has some some special needs. Not an alcoholic grown adult.

Have a bit of compassion she will feel like a princess at a party, but no you let her know she's 'special' and not wanted.

What makes you think other kids are going to be well behaved, they all get tired and bored at weddings. As do the adult guests.

I think your cousin should snub your invite and have a great day out with her partner and his daughter somewhere where they won't have to encounter such a shitty attitude.

U2HasTheEdge Tue 31-Aug-21 07:29:12

WaterBottle123

God I can't think of anything worse at age 9 than to be dragged to mums new boyfriends cousins wedding. Would be so boring for a kid that age.

Sounds like cousin and boyfriend are trying to play happy families, tedious.

Say no for the sake of the poor child!

Well, lots are children are going and there is children's entertainment.

I am sure the 'poor child' would be fine and enjoy it.

Angryfrommanchester1 Tue 31-Aug-21 07:29:39

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. It’s your wedding and you can invite who you like, and most importantly it’s not your cousins child, it’s your cousins boyfriends child, who you rightly pointed out you have no relationship.
Also I think it’s cheeky AF to ask you can the child come if they aren’t expressly invited. Since when did this become a ‘thing’?

Iwanttobeapaperbackwriter Tue 31-Aug-21 07:30:10

But it's not just the wedding it's the holiday, it unreasonable for a dad to want to take his dd on holiday

KarmaStar Tue 31-Aug-21 07:30:38

It's your wedding so invite who you are happy to invite.
Guests are cheeky for asking to bring an extra however old they may be.
Whether they are having a holiday is irrelevant to your wedding numbers.
Or
You can wait until you have met the dp and his dd before deciding?
If they are having a holiday it will be difficult,or impossible,for them both to attend without her but they should not have booked a holiday on the assumption it would be a yes from you.

LimeRedBanana Tue 31-Aug-21 07:31:33

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

What are you talking about…?

Of course the ADHD is an issue for you! Otherwise, you’d have just said - your cousin wants to bring her partner’s child, but you don’t want them there, as you’ve never met her. You wouldn’t even raise the ADHD thing at all.

But you did.

HugeAckmansWife Tue 31-Aug-21 07:32:36

Oh and yes to the 'other kids might misbehave' comment. If you've already factored in a number of kids and have entertainment etc planned then one more makes no difference really.

U2HasTheEdge Tue 31-Aug-21 07:32:46

LimeRedBanana

*I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?*

What are you talking about…?

Of course the ADHD is an issue for you! Otherwise, you’d have just said - your cousin wants to bring her partner’s child, but you don’t want them there, as you’ve never met her. You wouldn’t even raise the ADHD thing at all.

But you did.

Yep, of course it is about ADHD.

I don't think it is that cheeky to ask to bring his daughter, when OP has made a big thing about children attending, to the extent she has booked lots of children's entertainment.

lannistunut Tue 31-Aug-21 07:33:13

Agree with @LimeRedBanana that the op made this about ADHD in the first post.

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