To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

[strawberrydonuts]

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

[Zenithbear]

It all sounds a bit Veruca Salt to me

[Nayday]

YABVU to include ADHD in your AIBU and also to conflate ADHD with being badly behaved. Imagine writing 'she's epileptic and badly behaved'. No you wouldn't & that's not on at all.

With regard to not accommodating an uninvited guest - YANBU.

[Nayday]

A kid behaving in a challenging way due to their neurodiversity is not being badly behaved: its the difference between the underlining cause being disability vs a choice. I'm not saying that ND kids can't ever be 'simply' badly behaved by the way but specific challenging behaviour that is as a result of their condition (e.g sensory overload/overwhelm etc) should not be referred to as 'bad behavior'.

[WrongWayApricot]

How is cousin being a CF to ask 'can my +1 bring his kid to the (very obviously child friendly) wedding?'

And why does it matter if you personally know the 9 year old, it's not like you'll be spending your wedding day talking to her?

I really thought this was a reverse.

[WorraLiberty]

@MrsSkylerWhite

Don’t understand what difference one more child makes if it’s a “child-friendly” wedding 🤷‍♀️

Nor me.

This just sounds like yet another bride on a power trip, MN seems to be full of them. It makes me wonder what the men they marry are like.

This has literally nothing to do with the OP not knowing the child and everything to do with ADHD.

[WaterBottle123]

This whole thread is bizarre. Why would anyone want to inflict a strangers wedding on a 9 year old? Poor child will feel out of place and bored to tears.

[Crummyfunnymummy]

Nayday I totally agree. ADHD should not be the issue here. But it is cheeky to ask for your cousin to ask if her +1’s child can be invited to the wedding. As I said earlier, me and my DP (who my friend has at least met) are attending the wedding of my friend and it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask if his 2 kids could come! I think that’s quite rude of her TBH. If no childcare can be arranged for the little girl then the cousin will either have to not come or come without her BF. But her ADHD shouldn’t be a factor. Why mention it? If she didn’t have ADHD then she’d be welcome?? Surely the OP isn’t saying that. In which case her SEND is of no importance and it was perhaps foolish to raise it as an issue.

[MasterChefz]

Seriously.

Ever heard of the saying " Be kind"

It applies here.

Get over it. Honestly.

We had a child free wedding. Two guests turned up with uninvited children.

We dealt with it by accepting it. It was no big deal. Honestly.

Yes the person is being cheeky inviting the child but to be bring up the fact that they are ADHD is wholly inappropriate here.

[WorraLiberty]

@Crummyfunnymummy I completely agree.

If the OP had started a thread saying "AIBU to think my cousin was being a cheeky fucker, asking to invite her boyfriend's child?", she would've got very different replies.

But bringing up the ADHD and then pretending that's not the issue, really doesn't show the OP in a good light.

[Crummyfunnymummy]

Sorry Nayday I was agreeing with you! (Though it sounded like I wasn’t!) I think bringing up this child’s ADHD as an additional reason the OP doesn’t want her there was BVU.

[Crummyfunnymummy]

I agree WorraLiberty why make an issue of the ADHD? It doesn’t reflect well on the OP. A post asking if the cousin was being a cheeky cow (which she definitely is) would certainly not have riled people in the same way.

[aSofaNearYou]

@WrongWayApricot

How is cousin being a CF to ask 'can my +1 bring his kid to the (very obviously child friendly) wedding?'

And why does it matter if you personally know the 9 year old, it's not like you'll be spending your wedding day talking to her?

I really thought this was a reverse.

It honestly baffles me that anyone cannot see what is cheeky about a +1 asking for their own +1. The +1 itself was a generous gesture for the cousin, it's very obvious that the wedding couple wouldn't want, or be able to accommodate, them all to bring more people, and they would end up vastly outnumbered by people they don't know, paying a massive premium for them all to be there.

It's so painfully obvious why this is cheeky, I don't know what is going on in the head of posters like this.

[Boulshired]

The OP never came back, the invitation was not clear if it was clearly stated that children of family and friends are welcome (written or verbally). The OP doesn’t consider the boyfriend and his daughter family or friend but the cousin does. Generally invitations are named or plus 1, so there would be no need to clearly state children welcome as their name are on the invitation. Put a separate note in the invitation for children invited of what is on offer. So you can control the children you want to invite or not. Then use numbers if someone asks if the invitation can be extended. An umbrella of family and friends children has led to confusion and not the cousin necessarily being cheeky.

[Blindstupid]

So is this all just a wind up/troll seeing as how the OP has not been back at all?

[ThePersonFromPorlock]

@Blindstupid my thoughts exactly!

[aSofaNearYou]

An umbrella of family and friends children has led to confusion and not the cousin necessarily being cheeky

I should say yes, it's not necessarily cheeky to ask if confused, but it would definitely be cheeky to put up any level of fuss if the answer is no.

[WrongWayApricot]

@aSofaNearYou

What goes on in my head is I can't imagine thinking my cousin was a CF to ask for clarification

Cousin: hey, you know the invite says children of family and friends are welcome and there's entertainment for them?
Me: yeah
Cousin: I'm bringing dave as my +1, would his daughter be welcome too?
Me: you absolute CF! Can't believe you even asked, how rude. This isn't a street party you know. It's my wedding and I've never even met dave's 9yo daughter. How could even think she could possibly be welcome? Outrageous.

I'd just say either 'no, we're only inviting children I've personally met' or 'sure, one more kid won't hurt, looking forward to meeting them both' then forget about it because it's not a big deal to ask a question...

[aSofaNearYou]

[quote WrongWayApricot]@aSofaNearYou

What goes on in my head is I can't imagine thinking my cousin was a CF to ask for clarification

Cousin: hey, you know the invite says children of family and friends are welcome and there's entertainment for them?
Me: yeah
Cousin: I'm bringing dave as my +1, would his daughter be welcome too?
Me: you absolute CF! Can't believe you even asked, how rude. This isn't a street party you know. It's my wedding and I've never even met dave's 9yo daughter. How could even think she could possibly be welcome? Outrageous.

I'd just say either 'no, we're only inviting children I've personally met' or 'sure, one more kid won't hurt, looking forward to meeting them both' then forget about it because it's not a big deal to ask a question...[/quote]
Yes I did agree that it would not be too cheeky to ask, but your comment implied OP would be unreasonable to say no. It should be obvious that a plus one getting a plus one is a long shot.

[Bookworm20]

So your cousin is in a relationship with a man who has a daughter.
She has asked if said daughter can also come to the wedding as daughter will be with them when they travel to come to the wedding and will also turn it into a holiday because of the travel involved.

I can't understand how that is being a CF by the cousin.
She simply asking if this child, who is now a part of her life, can attend with them and therefore can include her on the holiday.

You have multiple children attending the wedding. So many in fact that you have arranged for childrens entertainment. Its child friendly.
But because you haven't met this one, you have decided you don't want her there.

I actually can't understand this at all. Totally was expecting you to say no kids and she was insisting of bringing the child or something.
Its a child that is now a part of your cousins life, like it or not. By excluding her you will look like a total bitch.
It wouldn't even cross my mind to say no if this was my cousins situation and my wedding.

[WrongWayApricot]

@aSofaNearYou I do still think it's weird to accept all kids of guests bar one. I wouldn't consider a child a +1 in this scenario. If I'd gone out of my way to make my wedding that child friendly then I really couldn't get upset about another child being there just because I hadn't met them before.

[nonotmenotI]

Not a child friendly wedding then is it if you're excluding just one.

I'm shocked at the way you've spoken about her having Adhd, this highlights your ignorance around this condition.

[theleafandnotthetree]

But the OP is not required to be an expert on ADHD, this is the child of the boyfriend of her cousin who she is not close to. Perhaps she might have articulated things more sensitively - or indeed not mentioned behavioural issues at all - but none of this changes the fact that she is under zero moral or other obligation to include this child in the wedding.

[blubberyboo]

Yabu

In your invite you specified a plus one not a specific name. Her plus one could have been anyone at all and a stranger at that. Therefore it shouldn’t matter that the girl is a stranger. The only issue is whether you can fit an extra child and I’m sure it won’t be that difficult.

[ddl1]

It's not unreasonable to exclude kids you've never met from a wedding. Many people would do so, and some even insist on child-free weddings.

However, I do think that YABU in first telling all your family and friends that you want them to bring their children along, and then excluding one particular child.

[Nayday]

@theleafandnotthetree you don't have to be an 'expert' on ADHD to know that it's wrong to include a disability in a list of reasons not to invite someone .

Invite whoever you like but to lump together badly behaved with ADHD has rightly been pointed out as just plain wrong by many on this thread. And if OP didn't know that then she doesn't need to be an expert - but she does need to educate herself.