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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

329 replies

strawberrydonuts · 31/08/2021 07:13

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
thecognoscenti · 31/08/2021 08:00

YANBU. I wouldn't invite someone I hadn't met and had only a tenuous link to, adult or child.

BillinaTheChickenQueen · 31/08/2021 08:00

Yabu for mentioning any additional needs in the way that you did.
If you really do have friends whose dc share a similar diagnosis then I am surprised that you posted about it in the way that you did.
Yanbu for not wanting to invite someone you don’t know to your wedding.It’s your wedding your choice.
I just wonder what your motivation is here…

HungryHippo11 · 31/08/2021 08:00

@SamiReed1

This is why children shouldn't be at weddings. It's rare to have 100% well-behaved sit-still children, and they find weddings completely boring. It is miserable for children. You either have children at your wedding and invite ALL children of ALL guests and face the chaos that ensue, or do the sensible thing and have an adults function (which a wedding is) as adults only, guests can relax etc. By inviting children, you are making a rod for your own back. It's a mistake. I'd make it adults only no children. But then I'm not a glutton for punishment.
You say "glutton for punishment", I say "misery guts". I remember going to weddings as a kid and having great fun because the couple catered for us and wanted us there, and didn't see us as a nuisance.
Sirzy · 31/08/2021 08:01

As long as you don’t mind when the whole family decide to go on holiday rather than to the wedding.

AlternativePerspective · 31/08/2021 08:02

I wonder if this child is potentially the only step child?

I wonder if the OP is excluding her on the basis that she’s not blood family or whether it’s because she has ADHD?

And of course ADHD is relevant. If it wasn’t then the OP wouldn’t have mentioned it. I imagine there will be children who are far younger who will behave far worse, but as they don’t have a diagnosis this will be seen as perfectly acceptable.

To the posters saying “your wedding your choice,” would you think it acceptable to invite an entire family except one member? Because this is what the OP is doing here. She has invited all children who are part of the family except one.

If it was a no child wedding then saying no would be perfectly acceptable on the basis that no other children were going. But the message that the OP is sending out by saying that all children can attend except one is hideous.

I hope the OP never has a situation where a whole class is invited to a birthday party except her child.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/08/2021 08:03

Invite who you like to your wedding.

Don't pretend this isn't about her ADHD though.

You say you don't know this child, but you know enough to judge her.

SamiReed1 · 31/08/2021 08:03

@HungryHippo11 I'm hardly a misery guts for thinking an adults function should be for adults. It's not a function for children. Full stop. There is nothing at a wedding for children, except sitting still for hours at a table. I guess I just understand children.

ttcissoboring · 31/08/2021 08:04

Honestly, I'd say it's fine but the cousin can pay.

If she was your cousins child it would be different but the fact it's her new boyfriends child, no.

I would expect them to pay her costs if they so badly want her there.

Sirzy · 31/08/2021 08:04

[quote SamiReed1]@HungryHippo11 I'm hardly a misery guts for thinking an adults function should be for adults. It's not a function for children. Full stop. There is nothing at a wedding for children, except sitting still for hours at a table. I guess I just understand children.[/quote]
But the op has clearly stated that they have put in provision for children including entertainment.

Not all weddings are identical!

ShingleBeach · 31/08/2021 08:05

So your cousin needs to travel to the wedding, if they are staying in an AirBnB? Lots of people absorb the expense of weddings by making it their holiday.

Can the girl ‘easily’ stay with her Mum if it is his turn to parent her that week? How do you know the Mm can easily swap dates, which might be subject to a court order / tension?

Do you not trust your cousin to make sure your wedding is not disrupted?

DancesWithTortoises · 31/08/2021 08:06

They have a cheek asking you to pay for an extra guest you have never met.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 08:07

I can see both sides. The ADHD thing is irrelevant.

He is a new boyfriend, they are not a long term couple and although I can understand why your cousin may wish to invite him, I am not sure why that needs to extend to anyone else?! It is not their child, and it feels odd. Is he going to ask his granny and neighbours next?!

Your wedding is not a free for all. I would politely say the wedding numbers have reached capacity. Your cousin's boyfriend clearly sees it as a free day out, as for the love of god why would the child even want to go? She doesn't know anyone there, it is unfair on her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/08/2021 08:10

we love kids

Yeah. Sounds like it! As long as they are impeccably behaved, sit quietly in the corner and don't say a word.

She probably doesn't want to come to your wedding anyway! Why not pick up the phone and have a conversation with your cousin?

illuyankas · 31/08/2021 08:10

You stated we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along.

So why this doesn't apply to your cousin, who is your family too? I think not knowing the child is not good enough reason to exclude this child, if you are inviting everyone else's children.

AlternativePerspective · 31/08/2021 08:12

OP has contradicted herself though.

She said the invite stated the cousin plus1. So clearly there’s a chance the cousin (or anyone else) could bring someone the OP didn’t know to her wedding. And then in the next line she states that she doesn’t know the boyfriend and doesn’t want people she doesn’t know at her wedding.

So which one is it then?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/08/2021 08:13

I think you are being a bit mean to honest. All those kids there I can more or less guarantee that one of them will create at some time.
I'm going to say it whether people like it or not. In my opinion The fact that you don't want her there because of her ADHD sounds rather disablist to me and We all know what they say about opinions, don't we.

You're stopping her from going to your Wedding partly because she has a disability. That's discrimination.

riotlady · 31/08/2021 08:14

I think it’s a shame to exclude this child when you’ve explicitly said its a child friendly wedding and you want people to bring their children

Shakirasma · 31/08/2021 08:14

You want to say no to this child, then expect your cousin to arrive at your wedding and find it full of kids, with childrens entertainment laid on?

Pissinthepottyplease · 31/08/2021 08:15

If her SEN wasn’t an issue for you then you wouldn’t have mentioned at all never mind repeatedly.

jendifer · 31/08/2021 08:15

DH and I agreed we wanted a child friendly wedding - it was in a field with games and silent disco etc- but due to lockdown I hadn’t met his cousins or their children. We tried to visit some of them or due to the Jan lockdown ended up playing games on zoom and board game arena wirh them. We wanted for me to meet everyone who would be at the wedding and for the children to feel welcome too. Is there an option to visit them in person or chat online for 30mins? 9 is a good age as they can chat to you about themselves or you can ask and tell them about the wedding.

LaBellina · 31/08/2021 08:15

YANBU you decide who you invite to YOUR wedding, the reason why you don’t want someone there is irrelevant. Your cousins demand is cheeky, don’t feel bad to say no.

ACPC · 31/08/2021 08:15

Yabu. They've assumed as other children are welcome theirs is too but clearly she isn't. It's a child friendly wedding so the conclusion they will come to is she's being excluded. I bet there will be adults who behave much worse on the day than this wee girl! I would just invite her, it's not worth the drama. I had a couple of kids at my wedding for various reasons but then this upset guests whose children weren't invited. It's a minefield.

Szyz2020 · 31/08/2021 08:15

You can’t really use the excuse of not wanting someone you don’t know at your wedding if you let your barely-known cousin bring her unknown bf along. Either both bf and dc come or neither. But you’ve invited her as plus 1 so presumably you don’t mind people you don’t know coming after all?

Why not have a conversation with your cousin where you say, “look it’s a child friendly wedding and we want to be inclusive but I don’t know your bf or his kid. Honestly, will she behave or will she not? And if she doesn’t behave or finds things difficult will you and your bf make sure you’re supervising and managing her? Tell me honestly if he’s a hands-on type or if he leaves that to her Mum, because if she doesn’t know anyone but you two then she’s going to need you to be available to her, not off enjoying yourselves with the adult crowd.”

Your cousin might think differently about bringing a child as (although the child isn’t a toddler) you can’t just rock up to a wedding as a parent and ignore the fact you’ve got a child to supervise in whatever way is appropriate too. If she’s not a parent herself her experience of weddings will be about enjoying a good party without the added oversight of a child.

Jangle33 · 31/08/2021 08:18

I think it’s very nice of you to invite a plus one. I wouldn’t have bothered, it’s only a boyf. I suggest you stick to your guns

Suzi888 · 31/08/2021 08:19

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

we love kids

Yeah. Sounds like it! As long as they are impeccably behaved, sit quietly in the corner and don't say a word.

She probably doesn't want to come to your wedding anyway! Why not pick up the phone and have a conversation with your cousin?

^ this You sound horrible, have a word with yourself.