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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

329 replies

strawberrydonuts · 31/08/2021 07:13

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
HelgaDownUnder · 31/08/2021 08:21

YANBU. It's your wedding, not a street party for your housing estate. Everyone is not welcome, only invited guests.
You aren't that close to your cousin and the partner his child are not family as the relationship is still short-term. If it's too much hassle for your cousin to attend without bringing a troop of hangers on there is no reason she absolutely has to be there. If you hardly see her anyway she won't be missed.

SmileyClare · 31/08/2021 08:22

You have eight months to meet your cousin's boyfriend and daughter. Perhaps you'll get together at family events or Christmas?

Therefore she won't be a child you've "never met".

Hellotoallmyfans · 31/08/2021 08:22

It shouldn't be about the adhd - and you have have made a big mistake here mentioning it and the thread will now focus only on this (was this intentional perhaps OP?)

The fact is your invite stated cousin+1 and it is of course extremely cheeky of them to ask for another place, which will have to paid for by you.

I had this happen at my own wedding, my cousin and her dh plus their 2 teenage children were invited (none of whom I know very well but we were inviting our whole families to keep our parents happy) - they then wanted to know if their teenagers could bring their bf/gf!! This at a wedding costing £150 per head. We said no.

Weddings do seem to bring out the CF's unfortunately, but I also think a lot of people just don't understand the cost and organisation involved - if they did they wouldn't be so cheeky!

thepeopleversuswork · 31/08/2021 08:25

I mean obviously you can do what you want at your own wedding…

But you seem to want to have it both ways. Either it’s “child friendly”: meaning friendly to all children including those with ADHD, or it’s not.

One extra child who you will barely interact with makes absolutely no difference in the overall scheme of things..

GoWalkabout · 31/08/2021 08:26

It's a bit cheeky of her to ask. Up to you. Either 'ok, we'll make room for one more' or 'sorry, we have had to say no to other people too, I hope you and bf can still come because we would love to see you but I understand if this is not possible'.

godmum56 · 31/08/2021 08:26

Its the height of nastiness to say "child friendly apart from THAT child"

SmileyClare · 31/08/2021 08:26

You've quite clearly expressed we want all our family and friends to bring their children, we love children, it will be a child friendly event and will have lots of children's entertainment

I don't see the issue in one extra nine year-old coming.

DiddyDiddums · 31/08/2021 08:27

Of course this is about the ADHD. If it wasn’t an issue you wouldn’t have even mentioned it. You have every right to pick and choose who you want at your wedding, but you are discriminating against a little girl because of her condition and that’s really horrible of you.

putthetubeinthebin · 31/08/2021 08:27

If you're doing +1s and children I doubt this child will be the only person you havent met.

We didnt do across the board +1s, we did named partners for people we knew were in long term relationships but if you've said everyone can bring a partner then she brings hers and if he has a kid (his contact may be set in stone) then that kid comes too.

Is it really worth them missing out on the trip they've planned and having her come alone without her partner?

My dd has adhd and has bu far not been the most badly behaved person at any wedding we've been to! Give me her over letchy drunk uncle Colin any day

Boulshired · 31/08/2021 08:30

The invite might have stated plus 1 but the open message of wanting the inclusion of family and friends children confuses the invitation.

ANameChangeAgain · 31/08/2021 08:30

You shouldn't have mentioned the ADHD if you are okay with it.
The wedding is next year, so if they are still together he won't be a new BF and the child will possibly be part of her family unit.
You are selling the wedding as this wonderful child friendly event with entertainers etc, so of course they will want to bring her, especially if they have to travel and want to make it a part of their holiday. I don't see how you can have a rule of children allowed but no step children. She will have to sit watching everyone else's children play but not be allowed to bring her own step child.
I've known little girls that age with ADHD, and honestly never seen behaviour that is any more disruptive then non ADHD behaviour.

Sweetpea84 · 31/08/2021 08:31

I think the issue you have is that you don’t want the child there with ADHD because they can be naughty? Any one of those other children could kick of at any point. I think you’re mean and horrible to be honest. Children with ADHD need support and understanding it’s not their fault at the end of the day let’s hope one of your children never has sen and are left out of stuff because of it. Eeughh awful attitude!!

Misspacorabanne · 31/08/2021 08:31

Wow!
Yes you are being very unreasonable! Its one nine year old child. This is the type of thing that you'll look back on and think what was I thinking?? Be kind, let the child come along, and make them feel welcome as a family.

U2HasTheEdge · 31/08/2021 08:32

@LaBellina

YANBU you decide who you invite to YOUR wedding, the reason why you don’t want someone there is irrelevant. Your cousins demand is cheeky, don’t feel bad to say no.
It isn't really irrelevant. Getting married doesn't mean you get a pass on shit behaviour.

Again- OP has made it clear to her friends and family that children are wanted there. She has no problem with people she doesn't know being there, hence the plus 1 invite. Numbers is clearly not an issue as it wasn't mentioned as a reason (no doubt it will be now though).

Not wanting this child to attend is pure meanness, or she has a problem with children with ADHD. It might be HER wedding, but it doesn't make the reasons for her decision any more understandable or less shitty.

I have a feeling though that OP is on the wind up. One post so far, drop in ADHD, watch it unfold.

Rosebel · 31/08/2021 08:33

I have a daughter with ASD and I'd be heartbroken to hear someone talk about her this way.
How do you know she will misbehave and all the others will be angels? You don't know and if she acts up in the ceremony you probably won't notice.
My cousin apologised to me for having to leave the room when I got married as her son was acting up. I hadn't even noticed he was playing about.
Obviously your wedding but you sound quite mean.

CutePanda · 31/08/2021 08:33

You gave her a +1, not a +2. She can’t bring 2 people. Her bf is a cf.

ScrumptiousBears · 31/08/2021 08:35

My sister does this "I won't invite them cause I'm never met them" business. Even to a bbq. It is just an excuse for not wanting that person there for whatever reason.

U2HasTheEdge · 31/08/2021 08:36

@CutePanda

You gave her a +1, not a +2. She can’t bring 2 people. Her bf is a cf.
Is he? Or was there some confusion because the wedding has been plugged as child friendly and it was'clearly stated' that they want their friends and family to bring children along?
LittleMysSister · 31/08/2021 08:36

Just tell her you're sorry but the numbers are already final.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 08:37

Totally CF!

It is a new boyfriend you are not obliged to even invite him, much less all of his kids etc. Your wedding is not a creche!

It is not her behaviour I assume as all children can be disruptive, but the fact he is not a friend or family and now expects to bring his kid! I would say no. Absolutely no. Hopefully he won't be on the scene by spring anyway he sounds incredibly rude to ask.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 31/08/2021 08:37

Fine to no not invite the child you don't know. Not fine to not invite them because they have ADHD. If you don't have an issue with it then why have you gone on about it so much!

Sirzy · 31/08/2021 08:37

And what’s even sadder is your not that close to your cousin (by your own admission) and so there has obviously been a lot of family gossiping about this poor child already.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 08:38

Family and friends can bring children because they are known to the bride and groom. They are invited because they are close friends or directly related. The new boyfriend is neither, and his children are definitely not!

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 31/08/2021 08:39

If it was my wedding I’d say no, but none of my cousins would even ask the question.

It wouldn’t be appropriate because she isn’t family. It would still be inappropriate if she was a perfectly-behaved teenager. The cousin is a CF and RSVP should have been “just me because x is looking after their child that day”.

ConstanceGracy · 31/08/2021 08:39

Clearly you are anti-adhd like others have said or it wouldn’t have even been mentioned.
So many excuses, so little time, eh?
Think she’ll have a lucky escape not being invited