To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

[strawberrydonuts]

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

[IWasBornInAThunderstorm]

we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along.

Not surprised they think his child might be able to come too if you've been stating it clearly tbh.

It's going to be a child friendly event just not for this child then? Eh?

we love kids do you? What all kids? You don't seem to like this one and you haven't even got tonknow them.

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

April is what? 7, 8 months away?
If the only problem you have is that you don't know the child, you could always spend a bit of time with your cousin, her partner and his child.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Does it really matter if you don’t “know” a child at your wedding- you clearly just don’t want her there for the ADHD.
If you aren’t close to your cousin you shouldn’t have given her a plus 1- honestly I would just let the child come. Drama over nothing

[IWasBornInAThunderstorm]

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

April is what? 7, 8 months away?
If the only problem you have is that you don't know the child, you could always spend a bit of time with your cousin, her partner and his child.

Very good point. You have until April to get to know them.

[stepupandbecounted]

It is seven months away I am sure your cousin's bf has time to organise his own childcare arrangements or he doesn't attend. How has your wedding become all about them?

If you are not close to her, even more reason to say no.

[stepupandbecounted]

Very good point. You have until April to get to know them

Why would op want to??? They are not close.

[traintraveller]

OP you're getting a hard time on here. I agree with you that YANBU to not invite the child of your cousins boyfriend, both of whom you have never met. They are CF to ask. Your mistake on here was to mention ADHD.

[LeafOfTruth]

It honestly to me it just seems a bit...

"Yey! Bring your children, we love kids and they'll have a lovely time with the special entertainment! Oh no, not that child; don't bring that one".

For me, if the children of your guests are have a free invitation, then it's reasonable to assume that extends to the children of the +1s.

[Lokdok]

Essentially, YANBU because you invited her +1 and if +2 doesn't work with your numbers then accept your cousin probably won't be able to come, unless she wants to come alone. Your post is horrible though. If he's having her that weekend, then she'd have to come if he was coming and you don't know how any of the kids will behave so to single this one out is spiteful.

[Blindstupid]

OP we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along …… yet you want to exclude 1 person from this?? Your cousin is your family so surely is included in the bringing children?? …. Did the invite to every other couple with children say ‘couple plus child/children’ or ‘person +1 and child/children’? I doubt it…..

I'm not anti-ADHD at all …. This statement says you are. I wouldn’t want to attend your wedding with your ignorant, discriminative views.

[HugeAckmansWife]

So why invite any of them? If you're so not close that it's +1 rather than 'cousin and name' then you've likely not met the +1 either. If this relationship fails before the wedding and she meets someone new, is that OK too? Can she bring him? Presumably yes if it's a generic +1, so this isn't about not knowing the child. Is it cos she's a child? No, because lots of others are going and it's a child friendly wedding (they do exist contrary to some pps beliefs). The op hasn't mentioned any issue about ££ per head or space so can't be that either. Which leaves? Oh yes, ADHD. Pity. 🙄

[CutePanda]

@U2HasTheEdge
Is he? Or was there some confusion because the wedding has been plugged as child friendly and it was'clearly stated' that they want their friends and family to bring children along?

You really need to improve your social skills. OP wants to invite family and friends’ DC because she knows them and they are family. She wants them to celebrate with her on her special day.

Why should she provide childcare for some random DC? Her cousin barely knows her new bf and his Dd, so why she she be at a private family wedding?

So yes, the bf is a cf. You are a cf if you don’t agree.

[Eralos]

I think it’s a bit unkind. But it’s your day.

[stepupandbecounted]

What if cousin ditches the new boyfriend and replaces him with a new chap with five kids from other relationships by the time you get to April, would it reasonable to expect that they all come?

I find it so odd that you would even decide a +1 is now a +2 or as many people/kids as you like.

A +1 is just that, a +1 anyone adding to that invitation is being very rude.

[putthetubeinthebin]

@stepupandbecounted

It is seven months away I am sure your cousin's bf has time to organise his own childcare arrangements or he doesn't attend. How has your wedding become all about them?

If you are not close to her, even more reason to say no.

Because OP has made it all about them. All these people have done is accept an invitation for cousin + 1 and children welcome!

[MrsMercury]

how horrible what a nasty attitude to have about anybody and worse a child...
my bet is this hasnt went they way op expected and we wont see her back
then we will see the deletion message when she reports the thread

[Lockheart]

It's not "all children are welcome except THAT child".

It's "children of family and close friends are welcome".

It's not a bloody free for all.

The OPs cousins boyfriends child is neither the child of a close friend or a relative. Ergo, not invited.

I don't think the counsin and boyfriend are wrong to ask, but equally the OP is not in the wrong for saying no. The line has to be drawn somewhere (otherwise numbers get out of hand very quickly) and it all seems quite clear to me so I'm struggling to see how other posters aren't understanding.

[stepupandbecounted]

The invitation states children are welcome, are the children of the guests invited and family relations.
Op's cousin does not have any children, so why would she start inviting children that are not hers?!

[TomFuckery]

You might have adults there with ADHD who haven't been diagnosed...who knows?
Don't be so bloody horrible, either accept the request that your Cousin has made or don't. But please tell her why if you refuse and then accept the responsibility for the fall out.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Yuck op. Hope you are taking on board some of these comments and reflecting on your own views.

[stepupandbecounted]

Your cousin should not have put you in this position. If it was her child, fair enough, but a child of a guy she has only just met is CF territory. She sounds like a CF and I would be very unimpressed.

[QueeniesCroft]

Have there been other family events where the child has been disruptive, or not looked after properly by her father?

[Suetully]

I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year

that's where you are aibu. I wouldn't be asking cousins who I hardly know or have no relationship with. It is different with uncles and aunts because they are your parents siblings but I wouldn't invite 1st cousins unless I was close to them.

[NewlyGranny]

Be aware that this child could be an "Alyssa" who could easily offer to sing a Beyoncé cover during the signing of the register and demand the right to be first on the dancefloor at the reception with a solo!

Seriously, though, if she were going to be the only child there I would say YANBU but as there will be loads of others, I'd chill and say yes, as long as her DF would undertake to whisk her out promptly if she became distressed or disruptive. It's your cousin you want there, after all.

One proviso: if you start getting a long, detailed list of things the child can't or won't eat or have touching each other on the plate, withdraw the invitation on catering grounds.

[MolkosTeenageAngst]

You say they want to bring her because they’re seeing it as a holiday; are they intending to stay in the area local to your wedding venue for several days before/ after the wedding?

If so I can see why they want an invite for the little girl as presumably they can’t bring her on holiday and just leave her with her Mum on the day of the wedding if it’s a long distance from home. She either needs to come to the wedding or miss out in the whole trip.

Personally I would probably say yes, it sounds like your wedding is very kid-centred and so I don’t think one extra child will make a big difference. If you have a large number of children attending, including some with additional needs and presumably some toddlers, chances are you are not going to see perfect behaviour across the whole day anyway. I can’t see one little girl’s behaviour being that bad it’s going to impact on your day very much.

That said it’s your wedding and obviously your prerogative to invite who you want do it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no, just a little unkind perhaps if you do so partially due to her ADHD and knowing she will miss out on a family holiday.