To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

[strawberrydonuts]

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

[lannistunut]

Sorry, am muddled - mean I agree with @U2HasTheEdge!

[HeadNorth]

You sound a meanie - it is clear your concern is the girl's ADHD, or you wouldn't have mentioned it. So you don't want her there as she has special needs. Can you really feel comfortable with that, it seems quite unpleasant to me.

[Notdoingthis]

Either kids are welcome or they are not.
Either everyone is welcome or they are not.
Either SEN is a problem or it is not.
Sounds like some kids are welcome, not everyone is welcome, and you have issues with SEN.
What is the child supposed to do while her dad and his partner are at the wedding? Sounds like you should not have said +1.

[daisypond]

YANBU. There’s no need for the plus-one boyfriend or dd to be invited at all. Why on earth would anyone expect that? Stick to your guns. If they are all coming to your locality to make a holiday of it, then clearly the boyfriend hangs out with the dd doing holiday activities while the cousin comes along to the wedding. It seems obvious to me.

[DuckDuckGooses]

I wouldn't invite her! Numbers matter at the end of the day, you haven't ever met her and she's not a relative of yours. YANBU to invite who you want to your wedding at all - just tell your cousin she only has room for her plus one

[U2HasTheEdge]

But she obviously has the room for her to attend, or she would have mentioned it in her OP.

[WaterBottle123]

@U2HasTheEdge

The 'poor child' comment was more aimed at the fact that her dad would rather spend his contact time playing happy families with new girlfriend than actually focusing on child. As I child I was dragged to my mum's various boyfriends families events and it was horrible. I felt out of place and awkward. My own daughters would hate a wedding where there knew no one and didn't have a proper 'place'. Also weddings are genuinely quite boring, lots of waiting around, speeches etc. Fine if you love the bride and groom and are invested, tedious if not.

I live with DP who is not my daughters father and he knows I won't be forcing my daughters to attend his family events or bond with his family. Because he appreciates that would be ridiculous - my daughters have their own family and he's a grown up who can attend an event alone while my daughters and I spend quality time together.

[Monkeymilkshake]

You are aware the other kids might also misbehave right?
It seems strange to invite your cousin if you’re not close to her and give her a +1 (that you probably wont know) if you only want people you know at your wedding!
But as it’s done now, i’d say it would be pretty mean to say no as you’ll have lots of other kids there.

[LizzieBet14]

As a parent of a child with SEN, this post makes me quite sick. I'd hate people to be talking about us in this way. If her behaviour is that bad surely your cousin would be apprehensive about bringing her in the first place? I know it would fill me with dread.
Also, if so many of your other guests have SEN surely they have the potential to misbehave too? Maybe just have a no SEN guest policy??

[pinkyredrose]

Have a bit of compassion she will feel like a princess at a party



It's OPs wedding, not a kids party.

[scarpa]

@WaterBottle123

God I can't think of anything worse at age 9 than to be dragged to mums new boyfriends cousins wedding. Would be so boring for a kid that age.

Sounds like cousin and boyfriend are trying to play happy families, tedious.

Say no for the sake of the poor child!

Really? At 9 I'd have loved meeting other kids to play with and the chance to go to a fancy 'grown up' seeming thing, especially if there was loads of entertainment for kids.

[Cotswoldmama]

Definitely let her come. I can't believe it's crossed your mind not to.

[Winemewhynot]

Your wedding, your guest list. I wouldn’t want a strange badly behaved kid coming either.

I would say to the cousin that no sorry there’s no room it’s a plus 1 not 2, but you’ll let her know if anyone drops out. Then that gives you extra time for the relationship to fail or for you to be able to meet the child and assess if her needs could cause problems on the day!

[AlternativePerspective]

Of course it’s about the ADHD, you just don’t want to admit that your ableist.

So by all means exclude the child on the basis of her disability when all other NT children are welcome.

I do really hope the other children misbehave though. Like really, really hope they do.

[Jemand]

she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum

But if daughter stays with her mum she misses out on the holiday with her dad, not just the wedding. Presumably she can't as easily stay with her mum on the day of the wedding if she comes on the holiday?

[Booknooks]

It's not unreasonable to say no to a cousin you don't know very wells new partners child, but it feels like your comments about adhd are the real reason, and ignorant to boot.

[Lalliella]

If children are welcome and you are making special arrangements for them it seems a bit mean to exclude this one. By then she will probably be a bigger party of your cousin’s life, and you may well have met her and got to know her a bit. It would be the nice thing to do to include her.

[MrsMaizel]

Be the bigger person here but why are you inviting your cousin if you barely see her ?

[toolazytothinkofausername]

ADHD is irrelevant.

Your invite states cousin + 1, therefore just explain you only have capacity for 2. Simple.

[Whiskers4]

How did you word the other invitations, ie was it family member + partner + named children? If so, it's clear who you intended to invite from that every family and that their individual children were included. If it's been more of a general invite, family member + partner, children weren't named but accepted as included, it's only fair that his daughter is included. Unfortunately, children as adults, come along with lots of different personalities and issues. I don't know how long OP and been with her new partner, but if they're still together in April, I think you have to accept them as a couple and the fact that perhaps his DD is seen by your cousin as a DS and partner of her wider family.

[toolazytothinkofausername]

Wait... does the daughter live mainly with the mum or dad or is it 50:50 split?

[SamiReed1]

This is why children shouldn't be at weddings. It's rare to have 100% well-behaved sit-still children, and they find weddings completely boring. It is miserable for children. You either have children at your wedding and invite ALL children of ALL guests and face the chaos that ensue, or do the sensible thing and have an adults function (which a wedding is) as adults only, guests can relax etc. By inviting children, you are making a rod for your own back. It's a mistake. I'd make it adults only no children. But then I'm not a glutton for punishment.

[OhSmellyCatSmellyCat]

Just say no and spare the child your attitude. I think it's rude of your cousin to ask but you are already judging that child and expecting her to misbehave
It's a no win for everyone with that kind of start to it

[HungryHippo11]

I would say no if you don't have the space. However they could still do the airbnb holiday- cousin comes to the wedding and boyfriend and child have a dad-daughter day at the holiday home

[GreenTortoise]

That's really mean.
It's just one extra child and almost seems like you're embarrassed of them.