To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

[strawberrydonuts]

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

[IWasBornInAThunderstorm]

@stepupandbecounted

Very good point. You have until April to get to know them

Why would op want to??? They are not close.

Because OP feels bad saying no but doesn't want a kid there she doesn't know.

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know

Getting to know the child would solve this.

But she doesn’t have to, it's just a suggestion if A) really is that big an issue.

If you don't invite the child that's fine OP, it was fine for them to ask and fine for you to say no. But own it, don't think of wishy washy excuses. Just say the numbers have been finalised or something.

But don't mention it's becuase of the ADHD, don't even mention that. You'll come across cruel.

[windowstothesoul]

I think if you don't let her come & make a fuss you will make hard feeling in that side of the family. I also think you may also regret it in future years.

Try & see the long game of family relationship, you have made a decision to have children at the wedding so go with that - have a place where a DVD or Netflix can be on, or a room where they can chill with a screen - I am pretty confident she or any 6+ on a screen will not cause problems - it is the under 5's that May have more impact on the ceremony or adults having to deal with them etc -

Your wedding is a long way off in relative times, lots can happen so I would not fight it in the planning. Try &
focus on the parts of the wedding you can control & can enjoy with enough activities/zones for guests to do the same.

Crazy golf or games like that allows multigenerational groups to interact together -

Good luck

[toooothacheee]

Yanbu to say no to an extra person. It's +1 not +2.

Yabu to exclude a child on the basis that they have adhd, and talk so poorly of them when you've never met them.

[stepupandbecounted]

Op sees her cousin once a year, so when on earth is this bonding experience going to happen?

I don't think the cousin should have asked. It is not an established long term relationship and they are not close.

It is rude and poor form. Not so much if you are very close, but otherwise definitely not on to start demanding random kids come to someone else's wedding!

[lockdownmadnessdotcom]

My ex's contact dates are set months in advance and I book stuff round my rare weekends 'off

I really hate this attitude. It's your child and if the other parent can't have them, you have to rethink your plans. Just as you would if you were still together.

OP I think you can reasonably say no sorry only cousin and partner, you haven't got the budget for an extra guest. If she gets offended she won't come anyway and problem is solved.

[stepupandbecounted]

think if you don't let her come & make a fuss you will make hard feeling in that side of the family. I also think you may also regret it in future years

Hard done by? They don't even know the boyfriend much less the kids he has.....

The 'family' can think what they like! Don't be bullied into it op.

[GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman]

@traintraveller

OP you're getting a hard time on here. I agree with you that YANBU to not invite the child of your cousins boyfriend, both of whom you have never met. They are CF to ask. Your mistake on here was to mention ADHD.

This precisely.

[Lweji]

It's a wedding. If your cousin wants to make it a holiday, then it's up to her, not you. They can find a babysitter if necessary, or leave the girl at home.

[daisychain01]

Good idea OP exclude 'that' child - let's face it you're just preparing her for a world where people with Neurodiversity conditions are so often othered and excluded. You wouldn't want 'that child' spoiling your special day, because you have a crystal ball and you know 100% that it will be that child who will play up and cause all the problems.

Enjoy your wedding.

[DelphiniumBlue]

I don't see why you should invite this child, you don't know her or her parents. It was nice of you to offer a plus one, your cousin is being a CF. Unless she's presented this in such a way that she's hoping you will refuse, and it's the boyfriend who is being the CF.
If this was a long term partner, it might be different, but it's not. This child is not part of your family, and neither is the boyfriend.

[IWasBornInAThunderstorm]

@stepupandbecounted

Op sees her cousin once a year, so when on earth is this bonding experience going to happen?

I don't think the cousin should have asked. It is not an established long term relationship and they are not close.

It is rude and poor form. Not so much if you are very close, but otherwise definitely not on to start demanding random kids come to someone else's wedding!

She's only asked, didn't demand. I don't think that's rude. Rude would be if she kicked off when told no.

And there's no need for the bonding experience unless OP wants it. It was just a suggestion as she felt bad as she didn't know the child. But if she does want to get to know her cousin and the child better she could easily go and visit for a day.

[daisychain01]

Neurodiversity = neurodiverse

[BunnytheFriendlyDragon]

If you don't want a extra person just say no

Why mention behaviour and then say it's irrelevant?

[Confusedandshaken]

Obviously it's your wedding and your choice but you do do sound unkind and judgy. If this was a child famous for being a great athlete or talented actress I bet you would want them there. But because she has ADHD and might be naughty you want to exclude her from a very child friendly event that she could enjoy with her dad and her potential stepmum. Incidentally I think it's great that your cousin is trying to treat her new BFs child as part of her family.

Of course the couple might break up between now and then and leave you with a seating dilemma bit so could every other couple on your guest list. And any of the myriad children that will be attending could misbehave on the day regardless of any special needs.

[WTF475878237NC]

We had a small wedding and didn't have a single person we didn't know and certainly didn't allow people to bring partners both of us had never met let alone randoms' kids. YANBU to say no.

[Sisisimone]

The way you speak about this child is horrible. I find this thread really sad, probably because I have a dd with ADD who btw has never misbehaved at any of the numerous parties and weddings we have attended. You very openly stated that you want the children of all friends and family to attend so why would you exclude one child attending with your cousin, especially when there are lots of other children and entertainment provided for them. Not only that but also denying that child a holiday with her dad and stepmum.
The more I think about it the more awful a person you sound

[Batshitkerazy]

Sorry I think you’re being a bit mean to exclude one child, seeing as all other children are going. YABU

[CounsellorTroi]

@ACPC

Yabu. They've assumed as other children are welcome theirs is too but clearly she isn't. It's a child friendly wedding so the conclusion they will come to is she's being excluded. I bet there will be adults who behave much worse on the day than this wee girl! I would just invite her, it's not worth the drama. I had a couple of kids at my wedding for various reasons but then this upset guests whose children weren't invited. It's a minefield.

Why is she being “excluded” when she is the daughter of a guest’s plus one that she (guest) hasn’t known very long? Not like it’s the guest’s own daughter or it’s a long established relationship/marriage.

[LeafOfTruth]

It's "children of family and close friends are welcome".

I guess that's my point - the OP doesn't seem to have specified children of family and close friends only - despite the quotes. I can't seen where the OP restricted it to "close" friends.

I think making a bit deal about wanting people to bring their children (rather than inviting specific children) is exactly what makes it then shaky to say no to specific children - because telling everyone you want children there and putting on lots of entertainment for them, seems more like a "the more children, the merrier" situation to me so I can see why the cousin and BF think his child would be welcome as part of that.

[Sisisimone]

Well I'm guessing WTF475878237NC that you didn't invite distant cousins + 1s and make it clear everyone's children were invited. How is your wedding in any way comparable?

[LeafOfTruth]

Not only that but also denying that child a holiday with her dad and stepmum.

TBF it's not denying a holiday. They could still do that and the cousin pop along to the wedding be herself as part of the holiday.

[Valeriekat]

I would uninvite the boyfriend.

[CaptainMarvelous]

I had loads of people I'd never met before at my wedding because DH has a massive family all spread out. It wasn't an issue, and I doubt very much it's an issue for you either.

You've heard that the girl has ADHD and has some behaviour issues and you don't want to risk her disrupting your day. That's understandable, but you need to own that.

[TheVolturi]

If you want to stick to the numbers that's fine, but yabu for mentioning her adhd and then stating "I'm not anti adhd" I would bloody hope you're not because that's discrimination 🙄

[Buffoonborisisatwat]

you don't know her
she's badly behaved
you don't know her
she's not related
you don't know her

why would you have her at your wedding?

cousin (who you barely know) has asked, and the answer is 'sorry, no'. Parents can find local childcare for a day or the father can stay with her while cousin attends (parenting is his job, not your problem).

easy peasy