To not want DSD to live with me?

(1000 Posts)
PinkFlamingoo Sat 15-May-21 23:54:55

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Sat 15-May-21 23:59:29

He is. Does she have a mum or is she full time with him?

He’s a parent and he’s responsible for his children. He houses his daughter, no discussion.

It doesn’t say much about his parenting that she’s so unpleasant. Maybe if he didn’t let her be horrible to her siblings you’d be more inclined to do him this huge favour. Too late now...

What does she want?

JM10 Sun 16-May-21 00:01:13

He is, she's not your child she's his, he needs to home her!

edwinbear Sun 16-May-21 00:01:25

WTF? He's leaving you but expects you to carry on parenting his child? That would be a nope from me.

Hellcatspangle Sun 16-May-21 00:13:01

WTF? Of course he can't leave her with you! Where's her mum in all this?

PinkFlamingoo Sun 16-May-21 00:14:30

Sorry I didn't want to drop feed but her mum isn't around, he's had full custody of her since she was about 3.
She wants to stay here so it's really hard

OP’s posts: |
ForThePurposeOfTheTape Sun 16-May-21 00:14:53

He's a massive cheeky fucker


LucyLastik Sun 16-May-21 00:15:50

Have you been in her life since she was 3?

PinkFlamingoo Sun 16-May-21 00:16:53


Have you been in her life since she was 3?

Since she was 6, we're not married so I've never had any parental responsibility over her

OP’s posts: |
TableFlowerss Sun 16-May-21 00:17:04

What a tosser he is!!! She probably wants to stay with gig as she knows he doesn’t want her. Poor girl.

TableFlowerss Sun 16-May-21 00:17:17


minniemomo Sun 16-May-21 00:17:21

I see it both ways, I think a frank discussion with her is in order, if she wants to stay with you she needs to change

Providora Sun 16-May-21 00:17:47

Can you move out yourself, with your kids?

FelicityBeedle Sun 16-May-21 00:19:03

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

PinkFlamingoo Sun 16-May-21 00:19:07


Can you move out yourself, with your kids?

I wouldn't know where to start, I was thinking that though. This is a council house and I worry about where we will end up, how close to the school it would be etc

OP’s posts: |
edwinbear Sun 16-May-21 00:19:20

No, he doesn't get to swan off to his new life leaving his DD with you. Is he this much of an arse with your shared DC? What an awful parent he is.

RogueMNerKnowsNoShame Sun 16-May-21 00:20:54

You're not BU, but that poor, poor, poor child.

Things like this- being basically but obviously unwanted - fuck you up for life

mantlepiece Sun 16-May-21 00:21:04

I think if she was younger it would be more of a dilemma.

She is 16, she is old enough to realise she needs to go with her dad.

No one likes change so it will be hard for her, but really she can’t expect to stay.

tonimitchell Sun 16-May-21 00:22:11

Yeah he is a massive dick and shame on him thinking he can leave her behind.

It doesn’t work like that.

He leaves so he takes her with him. Just like you would if you were in the same position. Would you really leave your kids for some other bloke to look after?

edwinbear Sun 16-May-21 00:22:29

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

No, he needs to step up. OP is a mum to their 3 DC.

Lou898 Sun 16-May-21 00:23:26

His daughter is his responsibility if the relationship has broken down. If you wanted her to stay that would be different and arrangements could be made. Sounds like he wants a life with no responsibility for children but that’s not how it works. Not that you would but it’d be like you saying he had all 4 if he leaves.
If you were to consider her living with you, then new ground rules would have to be set and it made clear that if these are broken she can no longer stay.

Chloemol Sun 16-May-21 00:23:33

I feel sorry for your dsd. Sounds like no one wants her

If she wants to stay then set sone ground rules and make it clear if she doesn’t start pulling her weight and adhere to them she will have to leave

Or just tell him he has to sort her accommodation

MadMadMadamMim Sun 16-May-21 00:24:24

I would simply repeat When you move out you take your daughter with you. He's insane to think otherwise. I'd not engage in any other discussion. Her home is with her father, not his ex gf.

You are not unreasonable to not want the emotional and financial pressures of a teenager who isn't yours dumping on you. He's a prick to think otherwise. Tell him if he can't look after his own child he'll have to contact Social Services. But you're not picking up his slack.

PanamaPattie Sun 16-May-21 00:24:32

Poor unwanted child. She can't stay with you. You are not her parent and therefore you do not have parental responsibility - even if you wanted her to stay. Talk to SS about foster parents. That should make your ex see sense.

FelicityBeedle Sun 16-May-21 00:25:37

I’m not saying he isn’t being an arsehole, but the lass needs a good home and moving in with his new lass won’t help her.

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