To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

(296 Posts)
Sleepydreamsofcheese Sun 09-May-21 02:24:35

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice sad

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

OP’s posts: |
Sleepydreamsofcheese Sun 09-May-21 02:30:18

Ah sorry, one last thing! DP also had a lower take home pay this month than usual, due to taking 6 days off work sick. He wasn’t ill, he just couldn’t be arsed to work (WFH too so no excuse!). He had form for this, and had had multiple warnings from work regarding his absence rate, so not an isolated incident.
This really fucked me off (we had an almighty row over this) because it seems like he knows I’ll pick up the slack financially.

OP’s posts: |
MrsTerryPratchett Sun 09-May-21 02:31:03

And it's fantastic that his disposable goes on shite. That's absolutely OK. But he can't then spend non-disposable on shite as well.

Do you have a budget? Birthdays are in the budget, that's not disposable. Pocket money neither. Treats for DC is their disposable.

YNAB.

Providora Sun 09-May-21 02:31:54

Family gifts, children's expenses etc should be counted as joint bills. Whatever amount left over that you split between you should be truly discretionary spending for you to spend as you wish, or save for yourself.

Given his attitude to money I think you should keep your own savings too.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 09-May-21 02:32:02

Posted before that little gem. I couldn't be with a lazy slacker. Sorry.

Sleepydreamsofcheese Sun 09-May-21 02:34:58

We take into account birthdays etc with the bills (I have a lovely spreadsheet). A while ago I had a bit of a strop as I was always the one picking gifts, so DP keeps the money for his families gifts in his bank account to buy. More often than not he’ll spend the money he’s allocated for the birthdays, and I’ll end up buying them angry

OP’s posts: |
WhereTheWildlingsLive Sun 09-May-21 02:36:33

Revoke the pooling. Explain that it hasn't worked out and the excess will go towards costs for treating the DC which he doesn't (appear to) contribute to, and Your savings. Explain that the way it works in the real world when one wants/needs more money is one gets a better paid job (only said as you have said he's book l both able to and turned down, not knocking lower washer jobs in general if it's all that's available/possible). He's taking the piss and being greedy and lazy in my book! 🤷‍♀️ Put your DC first, you second; he's a grown up and needs to take care of himself - Plus he's clearly putting you and DC last! Sounds harsh but true on the information given.

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GroovyPeanut Sun 09-May-21 02:37:15

Well you've given him an endless moneybox to dib into, so he's dibbing in and loving it.

You gave him the opportunity to be an equal, he's abused that. I think you've seen now that you're flogging a dead horse. He's not interested in progression at work, as he's got you to leech off. You need to decide if you've got a future with someone who isn't interested in being an equal contributor to your family. You're always going to be the breadwinner from what you've written. Going back to the way you were before may not work now he's had a taste of living off you. He's got used to you paying for everything, and his wage is his pocket money. I think you need to think long and hard on this one.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 09-May-21 02:37:29

More often than not he’ll spend the money he’s allocated for the birthdays, and I’ll end up buying them

Why? Just tell him next time that happens you won't rescue him and you will tell them why. AND DO.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 09-May-21 02:38:29

I assume he's a fantastic housekeeper, utterly wonderful caregiver to the children and great in bed <fingers crossed>

Sleepydreamsofcheese Sun 09-May-21 02:39:52

Thanks everyone. It’s just so crap isn’t it, you think you’re with someone half decent and then you realise they’re actually a bit of a shit! sad

OP’s posts: |
Sleepydreamsofcheese Sun 09-May-21 02:40:41

@MrsTerryPratchett unfortunately no, no, and ‘prefer not to say’ blush

OP’s posts: |
Seeyou Sun 09-May-21 02:46:29

It is not just the problem with money . His whole attitude sucks. This will not change and in time you will grow to really resent him. If you think you can handle the totally different feelings about money and work , then you will have to accept this . Otherwise you may have to rethink your whole relationship. Usually women are advised to marry to protect themselves, but in these circumstances , it probably wouldn't be wise. And if you do go ahead and buy a house , please see how protect yourself. On another note , a grown man with a child spending money on shit like video games is a loser .

cherry2727 Sun 09-May-21 02:54:57

I have a very similar set up to you in that I am the highest earner . I earn about three times more than my dh which is fine. We pool our income together for the same reason as yours - I was left with a bigger disposable income than dh and felt guilty .
The difference though between yours and ours is that our savings is a personal account of mine . Dh doesn't have any access to this account . We segregate house hold expenses , pay ourselves an equal amount in disposable cash and the excess goes towards our savings pot. If dh wants to buy anything for the house I'd have to transfer the funds to his account - he is fine with this ! I have better money management skills and he is ok with that! My dh doesn't get sick pay either and tried this once and I just deducted it from his disposable cash for that month!
If you have better control of the funds can't you just ask for the money to sit in your personal account? This is very poor of him to be honest

Sillawithans Sun 09-May-21 02:58:51

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

Gothichouse40 Sun 09-May-21 03:06:13

Im sorry but if he cannot reign in his spending you will have no savings left! You need to get a savings acct in your name only, or you will have nothing for the future. If he is angry you need to sit him down and tell him exactly how it is. There is not a never ending magic money tree. Your children need money saved for their future, not to mention if you have some sort of household emergency.

mathanxiety Sun 09-May-21 03:08:03

Oh come on, this 'man' does nothing around the house and expects her to finance his slacker lifestyle. He doesn't even show up for work if he doesn't feel like it.

OP, if you don't want to show him the door, you need to tell yourself every single day to NEVER, EVER marry this man. You owe it to yourself and to your child to safeguard your income and your savings.

You and he don't have the same priorities or values. He has an impulse control problem.
Why are you still together?

AnotherEmma Sun 09-May-21 03:09:16

Take your share out of the joint accounts, close them, and LTB.

DrManhattan Sun 09-May-21 03:13:56

Seems a bit of a parent/ child set up.
He needs to grow up

frazzledasarock Sun 09-May-21 03:15:35

Withdraw all the money in the joint account (sounds like he’s spent his portion already. Close all joint accounts. And tell work payroll to pay into your personal account only.

Never ever gave a joint account with him ever again, he’s the kind of man who’d leave you in debt.

He sounds shit, earns less than you but spends more (of your money), crap parent and home maker.

Tell us his positives.

frazzledasarock Sun 09-May-21 03:17:56

Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

Not when the lower earning person is not actually the main carer or homemaker and not married and disadvantaged at work by having to be the main parent in order to support the chief earners career.

IdblowJonSnow Sun 09-May-21 03:29:26

Sounds like a free loader!
Yanbu. I'd change your set up and put your money where he can't get it and stop bailing him out.
He is lazy. If you increase your expectations of him he might step right up. But I suspect not...
Don't marry him!!

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 09-May-21 03:37:19

Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.


Actually MN is entirely in favour of DH's and my set up which is all bills and saving sorted then equal spending money. 100% acceptable here. Particularly when someone is shit with money.

And I can't think of any threads where the female partner was skipping work, not caring for the children, buying video games, not paying for family presents but expecting her male partner then buy for everyone... and shit at house work. While spending the household saving on tat. But if you have examples I'm happy to wait.

SakuraEdenSwan1 Sun 09-May-21 03:38:54

Do not pool money, save money in your own account and do not marry him, in fact stop giving him money after he has wasted his. He is a scrounger and always will be because he knows he has you to bale him out!

BlueVelvetStars Sun 09-May-21 03:41:17

SakuraEdenSwan1

Do not pool money, save money in your own account and do not marry him, in fact stop giving him money after he has wasted his. He is a scrounger and always will be because he knows he has you to bale him out!



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