To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

[Daphnise]

For an intelligent person you did come up with a stupid idea in pooling your money. This only works when both of you have the same attitude to money and spending.

Separate all finances, and in the longer term accept you may have to leave him over his problems with lack of control of money, and slack attitude to his job., which he won't have much longer anyway.

[AiryFairyMum]

Unpool the money. It was an experiment that didn't work!

[SomeCleverPun]

OP, your comment about feeling awful if things are not fair and equal jumped out at me. It seems to me that it feels awful when things are not fair and equal for the other person, but does it feel just as awful when things are not fair and equal for you?

Or is it okay for you to experience detriment as long as the other person doesn't? Because if so, what you're effectively saying is that you are responsible for making sure things are equal and fair for other people, but that you're not important enough or deserving enough to be included in that fairness.

Where did you learn that? What would it look like if you extended that same sense of fairness and equality towards yourself? If you believed that your need for fairness and things being equal is just as important as the other person's? That your needs and wants matter and just as much as other people's?

Imagine a world where you thought about yourself with that same consideration, thoughtfulness and kindness you had for your DP when you thought about your money. Just turn over in your mind for a while what that would be like.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I see you don't like it when things aren't fair and equal - but they're currently NOT fair and equal, and not likely to be while he's playing these games with you - so what do you think is the best way forward?

He's not going to step up, clearly, from what you've said here. He wants you to be his mummy and do it all for him. You don't want that.

(I'm basically telling you to LTB)

[Morgan12]

Would you mind saying how much money he gets? It's very easy to go through say £200 in a short space of time. Very different if it's like £1000.

[felulageller]

He's a cocklodger. Bin him.

[MargosKaftan]

@Morgan12 - in a way, it doesn't matter, he gets exactly the same as the OP, but he spends all of his then expects to have access to hers, which is the same amount, and is more than he had before when they spilt the bills 50/50 and he only had access to what he had left over. Its not enough for him to live off after bills are paid but is too much for the OP? The arrogance.

Some people will spend whatever they have access to and still be bemused there is still more of the month to go.

Theres no fair way to deal with someone like this if you would also like to save for the future. Either he has all the left over money after bills are paid, or the OP limits what he has access to so that she can have some of the money for her own personal spending and some savings for the future.

OP - I would go to a 3 bank account route. You either get paid into your personal accounts then transfer some into a joint account for bills. You can offer to vary it that you pay in 2/3, he pays into 1/3 of the total cost to allow for the differences in income, and then after that, anything you save is just in your name. If he wants savings, he saves out of his personal account.

Bill money goes into the joint account day after you both get paid, he has it spelt out to him that if he accesses the joint account for anything that's not a joint bill, you'll end the relationship.

[Badgerlock42]

@SomeCleverPun

Great, thoughtful post, & surely the root of OP's grief with this DP.

[StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli]

Agree with adding child's costs, gifts, other expenses, plus maybe even a buffet fund for the unexpected that usually crops up, to your monthly outgoings before splitting what's left.

Though I personally would consider reverting back to the old system. Your current one has enabled him to remain a lazy, unmotivated scrounger.

Please don't marry him either, I'd be very wary of being financially tied to a person who is so irresponsible with money.

[StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli]

*Buffer fund!

[Capricornandproud]

Er.... why are you with this freeloader? What do you see in him?

[Badgerlock42]

Buffer fund!

Aaaaw, @StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli.

You had me at Buffet Fund.
I think we should all have one :)

[StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli]

@Badgerlock42

Buffer fund!

Aaaaw, *@StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli*.

You had me at Buffet Fund.
I think we should all have one :)

I agree.

I like when predictive texts get it right and make useful suggestions.

[Muchmorethan]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

Wow, didn’t expect so many replies! Thank you all for taking the time to read my waffling and reply

To answer a few questions...

• We only have 1 DC, I kept it gender neutral just in case anyone I know reads this and figures out who I am (silly looking back now!)

• in terms of why would I commit knowing his attitude, that’s a really good point! We first got together as teenagers and lived separately for a good few years before moving in together and having DC. I think I assumed men matured slower than women so just hoped he would have grown up a bit, as I did. I used to be similar, got myself into a rut with payday loans many moons ago and was in debt up to my eyeballs. I paid it all off and I’m now much more careful with my money and really averse to that type of credit. I think I just assumed that because i learnt how to manage my money properly he would could/would too.

• I have tried to help him get a better job (he hates his current one). There was an opening with my employer, and I told DP that I would help him with the application and give him some pointers. He then asked me to remind him before the closing date and we’ll go through it together. I didn’t. If he has that laid back attitude to the application then he’d have the exact same attitude to the role, and you need to be on the ball in my workplace. I didn’t want to risk it and potentially horrifically embarrass myself at work, so I didn’t remind him and he didn’t apply.

• With the pooling and the add-ins for DC, sometimes they’ll crop up mid-month. Such as shoes becoming to small and outgrowing clothes (DC is growing like a weed currently). So it’s not something I can pre-empt. Some months I won’t need to buy things for them and some months I’ll need loads. When the latter happens, DP already has no money left.

• why am I with him? Very good question, and at this point I’m not sure. Like all people he does have his good points and I know he’d never intentionally hurt me or cheat. But I’m aware that that is the very very very bare minimum that should be expected in a relationship. I suppose he’s all I’ve known since a teen, so it’s really difficult to let someone go who you’ve spent almost half of your life with.

I think it’s came down to me changing, not him. He’s always been like this. I got myself out of a dead end job (with huge thanks to MN on that too) and realised I could have a great career and give DC the life they deserve. My whole attitude has changed - I’ve grown up, taken control over my finances and have a clear career path now.

• with the presents... DP’s mum and brother have been fantastic, and always go above and beyond for all of us when it comes to birthdays, Christmas etc. So when he inevitably runs out of money before his DM’s birthday, I will step up as she deserves to have a gift from her son/DGC. Same with his brother. I do know that I should look the other way and let him crack on and explain to his DM why, but I just feel so bad (for her, not him).

• with giving him money when he runs out, he’s very manipulative. He’ll talk/sigh out loud and then when I ask what’s wrong, he’ll say something like “oh I’m supposed to be going to play football* with my friends and they want to get some food before hand but I haven’t got any money”. Stuff like that. He’ll hint, and if I don’t respond to his hints (because I fucking HATE hinters!) he’ll then ask properly and keep asking until I say yes. He’s very clever in the way that he knows exactly how to work me. He’ll actually have a conversation with me (only really seems to talk to me for more than 2 minutes if he wants something from me) and make me laugh etc, then slide his request in afterwards. Very sly.

He sounds awful

[RandomMess]

You sound like his Mum bailing him out and looking after him likes he's a stroppy teenager.

Perhaps it's time to end it or at the very least separate finances and stop letting him drag you down?

[BlackCatShadow]

I agree a joint account for bills, groceries and kid's expenses is a great idea, but whatever you do, don't give him access!

Work out what you both feel is a fair amount to pay into the account every month. You are not married so I don't think you both need equal spending money every month and i bet you end up paying more for your child anyway. But, obviously he will have less spending money if he skips work.

If he asks for extra cash, just say no!

[Phineyj]

Oh my goodness, he sounds about as subtle as my 8 year old when she wants me to buy her Robux. Ugh.

[Womencanlift]

OP the next time the guilt trip happens about not being able to afford to do something and can he have money, just say well if you didn’t buy all that crap from Amazon, you would be able to afford to go out

You are enabling him by giving him money and he won’t change unless you do. To stop you being here in 10 years having the same conversation you need to find a way to make him grow up and that starts by making him take responsibility for his own finances

[RedFrogsRule]

Having been married to a man like this my experience of managing the problem by having different accounts etc was:

1. Joint accounts mean you’ll be playing catch up whilst he spends forever
   
2. Three accounts ...if you give him access to the joint account he’ll use that when he’s emptied his
   
3. Whatever you do he will run out of money and then needle you for it
   
4. You will lose all respect and then love for him

[violetbunny]

You're allowing yourself to be used and manipulated by this man. You deserve better. And frankly he has no incentive to change, because you keep picking up the pieces just like his mum.

No money for football? Tough. No money for gifts? Too bad. You absolutely must let him deal with the consequences or he will never change. Why would he, when he has such a sweet deal right now?

[NoWordForFluffy]

I wouldn't have a joint account with this man, as it links you financially to him.

I'd be going back to the previous method sharpish. Or just leaving him.

[Ellie56]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

Reread the last paragraph of your last post:

with giving him money when he runs out, he’s very manipulative.
He’ll talk/sigh out loud and then when I ask what’s wrong,

Stop asking what's wrong and ignore him!

he’ll say something like “oh I’m supposed to be going to play football with my friends and they want to get some food before hand but I haven’t got any money”.

Just say,"Oh dear that's a shame. Maybe you shouldn't have bought all that stuff from Amazon. Never mind just meet them afterwards."

He’ll hint, and if I don’t respond to his hints (because I fucking HATE hinters!) he’ll then ask properly and keep asking until I say yes.

No, no no. Just stop.Stop being such a bloody pushover.You need to adopt the Broken Record technique and keep saying, "No, sorry. " And keep saying it.
"No, sorry. "
"No, sorry. "
"No, sorry. "

Ad infinitum until he gives up. And if he asks why, tell him you are fed up with baling him out because he can't manage his own money and you're not doing it any more. And go back to unpooling your money!

He’s very clever in the way that he knows exactly how to work me. He’ll actually have a conversation with me (only really seems to talk to me for more than 2 minutes if he wants something from me) and make me laugh etc, then slide his request in afterwards. Very sly.*

Carry on laughing, and say ,"No sorry."

He sounds most unattractive. You can do better.

[AiryFairyMum]

Did you unpool the money OP? How did he respond?

[mrsbyers]

Take your bonus out and half of the savings pot and transfer into your own savings account. Start paying 50% each of the bills and what’s left is yours to spend how you want - let him realise if he wants to live beyond his means he needs to grow up and work for it

[Sadsiblingatsea]

Cock lodger alert 🚨
Why are you still with this scrounger?