To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

[LondonerRandomName]

Don't marry him. Financially keep it seperate this way too.

[funnybones1234]

He sounds like he's taking the piss!
I am in a weird situation where I earn tripple my husband. We pay exactly the same into the joint account each month used for bills, mortgage, shopping, family gifts etc.
I pay nursery fees and save quite a bit but it goes into my savings. Ultimately it'll be used for joint bits on the house etc but I don't give him free reign to piss it up the wall and he respects that.
I often pay for a weekend away (pre covid!) or will pay off a holiday etc but that's off my own back and never expected. You need to be clear that it's earnt money not free money and shows a massive lack of respect to you with how he is treating it

[StylishMummy]

Sorry OP but it sounds like this has actually shown you how different your attitudes are. DH and I are both ambitious, share housework and childcare evenly, possibly even skewed more to DH. We are a team in every sense of the word and have joint finances and joint financial goals. It doesn't sound like your DP has ambition, he doesn't pull his weight and he's happy to waste money on shite. Is this how you want your life to be?

[Beautiful3]

Before we got married and pooled our money together, we transferred a set amount into a shared account to pay the Bill's. This meant everything got paid and our disposable was ours to spend. Sounds like this would benefit you two.

[AfterSchoolWorry]

Oh dear OP.

He's a cocklodger.

[Coldties]

No not marry this man!

He is pissing money up the wall as you will always bail him out. I think you should pay a higher percentage to cover bills etc would make more sense then you keep your spare money separately.

He sounds like a man child as he can’t be bothered to go to work, if he lost his job would you still give him spending money? If he has more sick days what’s the consequence to him...you are giving him money anyway so he probably doesn’t care?

[Bleachmycloths]

I’d fire him off. Easier said than done, I know, but I was once in a similar position and got rid of him (during divorce proceedings he actually tried to claim maintenance payments from me - no chance).
Good luck.

[Phineyj]

Yup, separate finances with possibly a joint bills account. Works for us (plus it makes a lot of sense if as the only one with any financial nous, you make the strategic decisions).

Try as much as possible to separate financials from the relationship issues.

[carlycornwall]

Get rid. It's the work ethic that's the biggest deal breaker. He's a total cocklodger and it won't improve.

You're his partner, not his mum.

[Sceptre86]

Why are you with him exactly? What does he bring to the relationship? Not much, so ditch him. Do you really need another child to parent?

You were daft to say the least for pooling your money with someone who has a completely different attitude to money than you? Why does it matter if you have the same amount of disposable income? You both work so after shared expenses have gone out then that money should be your own. If one person has less they cut their cloth accordingly.

My dh earns nearly 3x more than me but is paying off debt and has more outgoings so we end up with the same amount of disposable income at the end or sometimes he has less. I spend mine how I see fit and him his, it works for us.

[JackieWeaverFever]

Switch back to the old system and save the excess. He is getting way more than half right now if you are sorting all gifts and he wants to burn through savings. As a couple / team both of you should be thinking about "the unit" rather than fucking the unit over and buying pointless shit for yourself

I had a financially stressful childhood (my parents had a similar set up to yours) the time off "for sickness" was once 9 months!!! I was very aware of the pressure his flagrant wastage caused despite my mothers best efforts. As an adult financial security is really important for me (i am not frugal but am very considered about where i spend money) so I couldn't cope with his behaviour at all. Regular takeaways are expensive and wasteful - why is not thinking of your child and the future??? i'd be putting him on notice and starting to detach and make my own plans

Get on good (and i mean good and reliable) contraception and don't even bother thinking about marrying him.

[Soontobe60]

Throughout my almost 30 year marriage we have had joint accounts, with me being the higher earner by far. Dh has always discussed personal big purchases with me - he has a potentially expensive hobby. I’d say I am the one in charge of our finances though. I’ve recently retired so my income has halved, I earn slightly less then him but he still asks me about purchases 🤣

[SkankingMopoke]

Agree with PPs, you need to unpool ASAP. Pooling is the ideal, but only works if your circumstances are straight forward and are both on the same page.

I don't think your previous set up of halving the bills was fair either. It needs to be more proportionate to your incomes IMO. As a comparison, DH & I can't pool easily due to my more complicated SE work/income situation so have had to work out a different way. His take home pay is 6 times mine (combo of him earning more per hr, and me being pt to work around DCs). As a result, he covers all regular household bills and his personal bills. I cover all of my personal bills and most costs relating to the DCs (inc birthdays and Xmas). One off household costs are usually halved. We each have savings in our own names and individual current accounts, but we also have a joint account that all the household stuff is paid from. When we earnt the same, we paid the same into the joint account (pre-DCs), but now I don't put much in there. He still has much more disposable income than me, so he will usually be the one to pay for meals/days out, the big annual holiday (I tend to pay for any short wkend camping trips) etc. It feels fair, as neither is rolling in it whilst the other is a pauper, and works because he isn't a tight-arsed miser (as it sounds you aren't either OP!) claiming it's 'my money' and refusing to share.
In your situation, it has the added bonus that you have control over whether that extra cash is best spent on treats or savings (as your DP can't be trusted with this), but also feels fairer to both of you that pooling or 50/50.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

@WhereTheWildlingsLive

Revoke the pooling. Explain that it hasn't worked out and the excess will go towards costs for treating the DC which he doesn't (appear to) contribute to, and Your savings. Explain that the way it works in the real world when one wants/needs more money is one gets a better paid job (only said as you have said he's book l both able to and turned down, not knocking lower washer jobs in general if it's all that's available/possible). He's taking the piss and being greedy and lazy in my book! 🤷‍♀️ Put your DC first, you second; he's a grown up and needs to take care of himself - Plus he's clearly putting you and DC last! Sounds harsh but true on the information given.

This ^
And TBH, I'd take my "half" and put it in a separate account now.

In fact, calculate how much you've put in (probably all f it) and shift it so he can't touch it.

And then have a good, hard think about whether you want the next 50 years o be like this . . .

[Sarahandco]

Un pool! you know money is going to be wasted in this scenario. Put the extra money into a savings account that you can use in the future for your mutual benefit (but not your joint savings account)

[Atalune]

I couldn’t be with someone I had so little respect for.

You know what you need to do.

[Karwomannghia]

You’ve changed it to joint so you can change it again. From now on make it that you both get the same lesser amount for personal spending. All the rest either goes on bills, stuff that isn’t just for your own consumption etc. Or into savings which is in your own name. It’s fair then because you both have the same amount of disposable income.

[agreatmistake]

He sounds like an irresponsible man child. At least you're not married and you can revoke joint finances and walk away.

In my experience, as high earning woman, if a man earns significantly less than me, there's usually a reason why, and it's never an attractive one. The solution is not to subsidise him, it's to question whether he's on the same page as me when it comes to ambition, given that's important to me.

[ChubbyLittleManInACampervan]

Put money in savings (that are in your name only) and then pool the rest

But really, you were a fool to pool

You worry about being a “shitty person”, he is not worried at all

Sorry but you are being a fool. If he chooses to live a low income life, that is his choice. You cannot compare it to a couple where the woman takes time as a sahm to look after the kids (as looking after small kids is work! Paid or unpaid)

Get a better set-up. Find a backbone. Stop being a fool.

[gamerchick]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

We take into account birthdays etc with the bills (I have a lovely spreadsheet). A while ago I had a bit of a strop as I was always the one picking gifts, so DP keeps the money for his families gifts in his bank account to buy. More often than not he’ll spend the money he’s allocated for the birthdays, and I’ll end up buying them

Enjoy him all you want. But this bloke isn't a long term prospect. Kids or not, you will ditch him eventually.

[ZooKeeper19]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese and you keep him for...what exactly? I am somewhat puzzled. He does not help with kids, does not help with housework, is mediocre in bed at best and spends all your money on his outings then gets cross with you for calling him up on it?

Your kids will do this one day, but at least they are yours by default.

I would stop the money share, now. I would say you both pay 50% of all bills, kids outings and he pays for his family presents. Frankly though I see why you'd not want to marry him, and I somewhat cannot see what he adds up to your life.

[Biker47]

I'd keep a joint account for bills only, you both pay in amounts to cover bills, rest is your own money, in your own separate accounts. That's how me and my partner do it, I earn more than my partner as well.

Gets trickier if after doing that though, he still expects you to pay for things solely, like your child etc.

[GreenClock]

It’s so obvious to me that you need to end this relationship. He’s an idle sponger.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I’d revoke the pooling and close all joint accounts. My dh has the spend money when you get it gene too.

I got a £65 pre paid mastercard this week and put it into savings, he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t spending it.