To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

[BlackCatShadow]

Also, you say "we are saving money". i think you're kidding yourself there. he doesn't sound remotely interested in saving money for the future.

[mainsfed]

Stop the joint account and don’t marry him! He is a wannabe cocklodger.

[HollowTalk]

I'd go back to separate accounts immediately. He needs to see the impact of not working for one thing. I wouldn't marry him. To be honest I don't think your marriage would last and you would come out of this much worse off financially.

[MrMucker]

Keep the joint savings account going for him to pay into if and when he can and then set up a separate one in your name for your savings.

Then use the joint savings account to pay for a seriously swanky treat for yourself eg haircut, lunch with a friend, whatever. When/if he queries it, listen to why he might be annoyed, say "ah,I understand. I'm so sorry" then promise you wont do it again, and leave it there. Make sure you tell him you love him very much, and then don't mention it again.
This is because men who never grew up are often only able to respond to a bit of weird enigma rather than a reasoned discussion.

[user1471462634]

Set up another account quick & inform work of it. Keep the joint account open, he'll soon realise the amount is dwindling & there is nothing to dip into. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@mainsfed

Stop the joint account and don’t marry him! He is a wannabe cocklodger.

This^
Set up a separate savings account and if you buy a home put it in your name only.

[whatsthestory123]

you have been with him 10+years and your only realising these things erk you

[echt]

He's an idle gobshite, so don't marry him unless you want to him to have access to your pension too.

[Trixie78]

You'll have to stop pooling your money, tbh it's a silly thing to do if you're not married. I wouldn't marry him 😉 f I were you, keep it separate.

[Bogeyes]

He is taking advantage of your good nature.

[ForwardRanger]

You have one child together so do you or he have other children from previous relationships? Because you refer to the children. I'm thinking if you have other children and he is step parent I can sort of understand why he may expect you to pay more of their costs.

Wrt splitting money, as previous posters have suggested, it's time to revoke that as it hasn't worked.

All family costs need to come out of joint money including birthdays, clothes.

Elect a sum for disposable income (rather than what's left) and the rest to savings that cannot be touched without authority from both.

Though you know that the real problem is your relationship, the money management is but a symptom.

[Quincie]

You shouldn't have got together with someone with such a different attitude to money and work - you are both at opposite poles. I can't see this being resolved.

[Throwntothewolves]

Just because mumsnet says you should share finances if you're a couple doesnt mean you have to.
Stop doing that right away. He cannot be responsible with money so he doesn't her access to your earning or savings. His attitude to earning is terrible too. I bet you're the one who makes sure all the bills are paid while he just burns through his earnings as soon as he gets them like an irresponsible kid on pocket money day.

The best advice is to sack him off because he wont change and it will cause endless rows.
But assuming you're not going to do that, split your finances again, get him to give you a set amount each month toward household finances and family savings (for holidays, unforeseen expenses, etc), and leave him to blow the rest if he wants to. If he asks to 'borrow' from you say no and tell him he is to up his contribution the following month so you can give him the extra when he runs out. Don't reduce his contribution because he couldn't be arsed to work so earnt less, he needs to feel the pain of that decision. Basically you'll have to treat him like a kid when it comes to money because he behaves like one.

Final piece of advice, DO NOT marry him. Against the mumsnet rhetoric I know, but as the higher earner you have a lot to lose financially, and not much security to gain. Marriage is not always the best choice for women.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU. He's a workshy layabout who is happy to have you fund his laziness.

But I'm kind of upset to read that you felt guilty that you had more disposable income than him, and that you're not the only one on this thread!
Do you think men feel guilty that they have more disposable income than their working wives? A very tiny minority might, but the vast majority won't! so WHY do you feel that you should feel guilty? Is it the male/female power thing? You work hard, you earn more, it's entirely reasonable that you have more spending power! If you weren't in a relationship, you wouldn't feel guilty, would you.

So yeah - take back your money from this joint pool. Normally I'm all in favour of joint money for expenses and then each keeps their leftovers for personal spending money, but NOT when one of them is an irresponsible spendthrift who plays on your guilty feelings [of having more money] to get you to find their wastrel ways.

Free ride over. If he wants to fritter his money away on useless shit, then fine - but he'll have to do without anything until his next pay cheque. BUT you make sure that your joint expenses budget includes costs for your DC, and family gifts, so that he can't spunk all that out the window. Up to you whether or not you then buy the gifts for his family - you'll be blamed either way if they don't get any - but if you're feeling strong, I'd tell him those are HIS responsibility and you won't be taking charge of them any longer.

[wildseas]

After that happening I would back peddle on the pooled money pretty quickly!

Assuming you both do similar amounts of childcare and housework why don’t you both put the same amount into the joint account for bills etc.

Then you open a separate savings in your name and you put a chunk of your wage in each month leaving you both the same spending money.

If you want him to get a better job stop bailing him out when he asks for money - offer to help him with his cv instead !

[Bonkersornot]

Similar to a pp we’ve always had separate accounts and we’ve paid a percentage of our income into a joint account that covers bills, savings for kids etc.
The rest stays in our own account for personal expenditure ... so the higher earner always pays more In for bills but equally has a bit more disposable income ... this has worked for us as seems to stop any resentment over what we do with our ‘own’ money and at the end of the day we each have to manage and take responsibility if we run out of our ‘spending’ money!

[DoItAfraid]

The difference in your work ethic, ambitions and values is too much. You will end up so utterly resentful of him in the end.

Close the joint account.

Do not marry him.

The not turning up to work for 6 days when he has a family to support would have sent me packing. Unbelievable!

[MissTrip82]

@Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

You can recall a female poster who was asking about this whilst spending her money on shit, calling in sick when well and clearly jeopardizing her job, and making an inadequate contribution to both housekeeping and childcare?

I don’t believe you.

In any event OP the issue isn’t finances, it’s contempt. I just don’t think you can come back from thinking your partner is a ‘lazy shit’ and the resentment over his attitude to work isn’t going to go anywhere either.

[Sally2791]

Deeply unacceptable and unattractive behaviour. He’s a sponger, I would suggest you move him on.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

OP you are painting a picture of a man who puts himself first in all things. He will spend not just the money he earns on himself before he spends it on your kids or you, but also the money that you aren. He won’t restrain his spending in anyway so that others can have a fair share, it’s just take, take take. And if he’s slacking off work and housework too then it’s not just money that he’s doing this with.

It sound like he doesn’t think much of you or his children - is that fairly accurate? If you asked him what he does for his kids or you, if you asked him why you should stay with him, what would he say?

[Throwntothewolves]

I also would strongly advise against joint accounts, credit cards, mortgage etc. I had an ex who added a big overdraft onto a joint account he used, but I didn't, and spent the lot without my knowledge. He would intercept the paper statements so I didn't know for ages. If he'd been on the mortgage I've no doubt he would have tried to borrow extra for him to spend. Never under estimate a workshy cocklodger, protect your finances because he won't.

[Brahumbug]

You need to reverse the pooling of money. No need to make a drama out of it, just say it isn't working for you. If he has a budget for presents for his family, then leave him with the responsibility, if he blows the money then that is his problem.

[Butchyrestingface]

Ah sorry, one last thing! DP also had a lower take home pay this month than usual, due to taking 6 days off work sick. He wasn’t ill, he just couldn’t be arsed to work (WFH too so no excuse!). He had form for this, and had had multiple warnings from work regarding his absence rate, so not an isolated incident.

I would not marry someone I regarded as a “lazy shit with no ambition”, and if the above is anything to go by, is probably going to be an out-of-work lazy shit with a terrible reference, sooner or later.

I actually think your saving to spending ratio sounds a bit joyless - when do you ever buy anything for you? But that’s probably the product of being shackled to a profligate, irresponsible man-wean.

[MyOtherProfile]

Move your savings into your own account and keep adding to it. Sounds like you are going to need it.

[Clymene]

What's he hot going for him? Useless dad, lazy, shit in bed.