To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

[Taikoo]

Ditch him.
He'll never, ever change. Ever.

[Saltyslug]

Open an isa or something in your name that can’t be accessed

[Saltyslug]

Revert back to your old system

[Saltyslug]

Tell him you’ve changed your mind based on the recent experience.

Ask him how he is going to organise his own money so that it lasts the month.

Save like crazy just for you and the kids. Do not tell him how much you have and under no circumstances lend him cash.

[CupoTeap]

Well done op

[CupoTeap]

Op I had one of those and the problem was I didn't earn more than him, but still ended up giving my money and we ended up in debt.

Has he always been like this? You need to revert back to how it was and keep savings in your name only. This is not about being controlling it's about not seeing your wages going down the toilet as well as his.

With your attitudes to money being so opposite (and this being one of many issues you don't work as a team on) I really think you should keep stuff separate ASAP in case you split up. Your not married, he has shown no appreciation fir his free money or your concerns so I really don't see how you are going to carry on long term if he's not willing to change.

[caringcarer]

Tell him no more pooling money as he is abusing it. Go back to spending your own money and you have g more disposable income you can spend on DC and savings.

[PinkSatinMoon]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

good on you..

credit to you for trying, you saw it fail, you responded appropriately.

🌸🌷

[Looubylou]

I would split your finances again ASAP. My partner and I have lived together 20 years. We have joint account for things like holidays, bills, cars, but otherwise own accounts. We both put same amount into joint account. I earn more and spend more. He chooses to earn less, working very part-time.I am not prepared to have my spending tutted about or worse still controlled. Different situation to you - but similar in terms of different attitudes to money. With such differing attitudes I would not get married in your circumstances. Take back your 800 out of savings, split the rest. He's entitled to spend his own money.

[mainsfed]

Great news OP! What was his reaction?

[citycitycity]

You’ve grown up and he hasn’t.

If you met home now, would you start a relationship with him?

I bet the answer to that is no.

[MadMadMadamMim]

Thanks for the update. Frankly, if he can't manage on what's left of his wages then he needs to get another job.

You're not married, you seem to support the child and whilst he's happy earning little and spending your money I would be as resentful as you.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Thanks for the update @Sleepydreamsofcheese

Fingers crossed for you.

[Fuckitfuckit]

Stop pooling money with him,
Take your savings, let him take his back.

Then have one account for all joint bills, you pay your %, he pays his.


Keep your money, cos believe me, if he has any access to it, it'll magically disappear over time.

[AiryFairyMum]

Well done! How's he taken it?

[Billybagpuss]

Well done @Sleepydreamsofcheese I hope it works for you both

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Thanks so much all, I’ve had some fantastic advice from you all and I really do appreciate it

I’ve reevaluated the spreadsheet and added on absolutely everything, down to DDs pocket money and potential crop ups.

I’ve also put a hard stop the pooling situation, it’s not working and I’m going to end up feeling more and more bitter towards the situation if it carries on. I’ve let him know how much he’ll have to transfer on payday, and told him that the savings are not going to be touched, if it comes to it I’ll transfer them to a family member for safe keeping so they can’t be accessed by either of us.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to post and give me advice!

[PinkSatinMoon]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

Did you resolve this and separate your finances again. 🌸

[hettie]

Ermmm are you still attracted to him, because the way you describe him makes him sounds very unattractive unlikable? Do you want to be with this deadweight for the rest of your life I'll repeat that- the rest of your life? If not we'll maybe it's time to cut your losses, you've grown apart, you're no longer the irisponsible teen he is...

[MadMadMadamMim]

I think you've been more than fair with this man, and it's not worked out.

Personally I don't think he pulls his weight or contributes enough to the relationship and I would be ending it.

At the very least I'd be saying to him, We've tried pooling our money, and it's clear it's not working. I'm going back to splitting the bills down the middle and keeping the rest of my wages and you keeping yours. Frankly, it feels like you are another child I have to keep and I don't want to. You're a grown adult and need to pull your weight.

[Sadsiblingatsea]

Cock lodger alert 🚨
Why are you still with this scrounger?

[mrsbyers]

Take your bonus out and half of the savings pot and transfer into your own savings account. Start paying 50% each of the bills and what’s left is yours to spend how you want - let him realise if he wants to live beyond his means he needs to grow up and work for it

[AiryFairyMum]

Did you unpool the money OP? How did he respond?

[Ellie56]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

Reread the last paragraph of your last post:

with giving him money when he runs out, he’s very manipulative.
He’ll talk/sigh out loud and then when I ask what’s wrong,

Stop asking what's wrong and ignore him!

he’ll say something like “oh I’m supposed to be going to play football with my friends and they want to get some food before hand but I haven’t got any money”.

Just say,"Oh dear that's a shame. Maybe you shouldn't have bought all that stuff from Amazon. Never mind just meet them afterwards."

He’ll hint, and if I don’t respond to his hints (because I fucking HATE hinters!) he’ll then ask properly and keep asking until I say yes.

No, no no. Just stop.Stop being such a bloody pushover.You need to adopt the Broken Record technique and keep saying, "No, sorry. " And keep saying it.
"No, sorry. "
"No, sorry. "
"No, sorry. "

Ad infinitum until he gives up. And if he asks why, tell him you are fed up with baling him out because he can't manage his own money and you're not doing it any more. And go back to unpooling your money!

He’s very clever in the way that he knows exactly how to work me. He’ll actually have a conversation with me (only really seems to talk to me for more than 2 minutes if he wants something from me) and make me laugh etc, then slide his request in afterwards. Very sly.*

Carry on laughing, and say ,"No sorry."

He sounds most unattractive. You can do better.

[NoWordForFluffy]

I wouldn't have a joint account with this man, as it links you financially to him.

I'd be going back to the previous method sharpish. Or just leaving him.