To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

[Clymene]

Oops - posted too soon. Cocklodger wannabee is bang on. You should save you own money to move.

Is it only since you've started sharing your income that you've realised you're in a relationship with a child?

[Paperreceipt]

Tell him you love him and hate falling out over money. Tell him you’ve closed the joint accounts down and returned what’s owed to each person. From now on you’ll both have privacy over your spending and no arguments.

[rattlemehearties]

Cannot understand why you pooled money if you're not married. Definitely undramatically stop the money pooling however that works best. And maybe reconsider a few life choices

[ineedaholidayandwine]

Un pool the money.
Me and my husband split the bills and keep the rest separate, he earns nearly 3 times my salary, i don't mind that he has more money than me, he earned it.
You shouldn't feel bad that you have more disposable money, you work hard for it, he doesn't by the sound of it and nor can he be trusted with the top up your giving him

[timeisnotaline]

Move the savings to your own account. Tell him he had an opportunity to be a partner and he decided he’d rather not. Look at his electronics etc and decide what you will sell first to pay for birthday presents next time he has pissed the money for them away.
You may start to see the writing on the wall for this relationship. I would.

[picturesandpickles]

I think pooled money is the correct way to go - if it works. Both parties have to cooperate for it to work. We've had pooled money through him earning more, me earning more and us earning equal amounts.

But for you - it doesn't work because he wastes money and isn;t pulling his weight either work-wise or in other areas.

In your shoes I would unpool the money, save any you can in a bank account in your own name and don't marry him.

This scenario is absolutely nothing like when a SAHM posts that they have no access to money etc - that is financial abuse, this is a partner taking the piss IMO.

[daisychain01]

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this.

He sounds like a manchild - waaaah, it's no fair. What is he, 5 years old?

Well, tell him your new idea is that you're going back to the previous arrangement. You've every right to change your mind, it isn't a problem legal agreement.

[daisychain01]

it isn't a problem legal agreement.

Autocorrect gone mad!

[Pompom2367]

You need to un pool money op it won't work I'm sorry

[daisychain01]

I couldn't respect someone who pulls a sickie because they can't be arsed to work. Deeply unattractive.

[WaltzingBetty]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

We take into account birthdays etc with the bills (I have a lovely spreadsheet). A while ago I had a bit of a strop as I was always the one picking gifts, so DP keeps the money for his families gifts in his bank account to buy. More often than not he’ll spend the money he’s allocated for the birthdays, and I’ll end up buying them

Stop enabling his behaviour

Separate your finances

Don't marry him

[Shoxfordian]

Separate your finances
What’s keeping you in the relationship? He doesn’t appear to be bringing much to the party

[DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou]

I would not be saving to buy a house with him.
I would be saving to leave him.

[picturesandpickles]

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

I would not be saving to buy a house with him.
I would be saving to leave him.

Yes, I think this too. You would be better buying a smaller place in your own name than pooling assets with him. This problem is only going to get worse.

[mayblossominapril]

I would keep the joint account for bills, you pay in 60% him 40%. Make sure you work out all costs including presents and other things for the children. Let him do what he wants with his disposable income. You can save and buy a house in your name only. Doesn’t matter if you stay together or split just make sure the house is in your name.

[squiglet111]

Go back to the way it was. Reason could be you pay for all kids stuff and you now realise that you end up with less as he isn't able to afford to give you anything towards it.

[cptartapp]

This is why after 30 years we still don't pool our money. We pay proportionately to earnings what we earn by DD into an account for bills, and spend/save the rest od our wages individually as we wish. DH earns several, times what I do. If he wants to waste his money on shite he can crack on.
I tend to save.
Your set up isn't working.

[Bananalanacake]

Could you live on your own and buy your own place, you will have to let him see the DC but it's better than him sponging off you.

[Sunflowergirl1]

How on earth do you get anything out of this relationship. He sounds like an irresponsible child virging on being a cocklodger.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a man that lacked any ambition, couldn't be arsed and pissed my money up the wall

Split your accounts back out as a start. Consider whether you want this for the rest of your life

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

Unpool the money and dump him. Sounds like he's revving up for a bout of unemployment/claim to be primary carer.

At least you aren't married, though.

[BigFatLiar]

We've always pooled our money. We don't share out the monthly excess it just stays as savings for holidays etc. We each would take some cash for odds and ends, tea/coffee sweets etc where credit cards weren't really suitable, apart from that we each had cards which we paid from the joint money. Joint spend was obvious and we could both see what each other were spending on cards. Worked for us as we had similar attitudes to dealing with money, both savers.

I think joint money is fine if you're both on the same page when it comes to spending, if you aren't it's a source of trouble.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Stop splitting money right now and don't ever feel guilty about having more spare cash again. I'd use that spare cash for my own personal savings if I were you.
Splitting money work for people who have the same attitude to finances and who aren't idiots.

[Jennyfromtheculdesac]

Why are you with someone so lazy? What does he bring to the relationship? The tone of your email suggests not much to be honest OP.

Do you feel trapped because you have a child together? It doesn’t sound like your work ethics are compatible to me.

[rainbowstardrops]

He doesn't need to get a better job or try to better himself because he's got you to sponge off! DON'T ALLOW IT!
He doesn't sound as if he brings anything much to the table to be honest.

[DrSbaitso]

Don't marry him.

What's the point of him?