To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

[chocpott]

Not easy but this cannot continue. He is behaving like a naughty, child with no accountability or responsibility and you're his parent having to monitor his spending and not trusting him financially. What example is this to your children? Sit him down, have a big talk and give him 6 months to change his ways. If that doesn't happen then either you take over all finances or you will need to re-think your life with him.

[DorisLessingsCat]

Knock the pooling of money on the head now.

Stop buying his family gifts.

Tell him to shape up (work, finances, housework and parenting) or ship out.

[Ninkanink]

Unpool it.

And stop doing ridiculous things like buying presents on his behalf when he’s pissed away the designated money.

[PermanentTemporary]

I would say your budget needs an overhaul so that all the bills and obligations are covered including presents etc. Those aren't discretionary within a family though they might be nationally.

I'd also ask if you love this guy. It sounds like the financial stuff is wearing that away. It sounds as if you don't rate what he does contribute, but there must be reasons why you're with him. Try some couples counselling now before it just collapses.

[Naunet]

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact

Sure, sure. Please do show us these threads where an unmarried woman who isn’t a SAHM, skips work, spends all her money on herself, whilst her boyfriend is buying her family all their birthday presents and everything for the child, is told her boyfriend is an arsehole.
Or, you could take a day off from the dick pandering.

[Ninkanink]

God it gets tedious doesn’t it.

[billy1966]

You have had a child with a lazy waster.

You are behaving like a mug.

You are a meal ticker for a user.

Find some self respect or you might as well resign yourself to being a MUG.🤷🏻‍♀️

[nancywhitehead]

He sounds extremely immature.

Pooling money doesn't mean he can spend it however he wants. It comes with responsibilities to look after that money and respect your partner.

[Bagamoyo1]

When I lived with my ex, I earned twice as much as him. So each month, we’d put money into a joint account for bills etc, and I’d put in twice as much as him. The rest of the money was our own, and we kept it in our own accounts. That seemed fair to me. Our household contribution was proportional to our individual incomes, and what we each did with the leftover was up to us .
I would suggest you try this method.

[Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep]

You need to put more - a lot more - in the family pot to cover stuff for the kids that you are currently covering.
What is left after this and savings is for spends.
Don't lend him anything from your spends, savings or the family pot. What a knob.

[OneFootintheRave]

Why all this "feeling bad" and like a "shitty person" because you earn more? So much guilt. Sack this agreement off and have a rethink as he's taking the piss.

The bunking off from work when you have a kid though is bloody concerning. Stern words needed.

[Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep]

@Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

Only when the woman is earning less because she's caring for the kids!!!

[OneFootintheRave]

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

We take into account birthdays etc with the bills (I have a lovely spreadsheet). A while ago I had a bit of a strop as I was always the one picking gifts, so DP keeps the money for his families gifts in his bank account to buy. More often than not he’ll spend the money he’s allocated for the birthdays, and I’ll end up buying them

Well having read this, you are well and truly being mugged off here. Why do you put up with it?

[BowserJr]

@Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

This is true.

But I would say stop pooling money.

[Tumbleweed101]

I’d never share finances with anyone again after my experiences of doing so. I suggest you both put into a joint bills/family account for the day to day stuff and both set up individual savings/spending accounts. That way the bills are shared but you can save what you want and if there is ever any issue that causes you to split up you have your own savings to move on with. Given you pay the lions share of what the children need this seems fair.

[AdaFuckingShelby]

He sounds like he needs to take responsibility for himself. If you resent it now it will only get worse and drive a bigger wedge between you.

[Naunet]

Stop pooling. Instead you each contribute a % towards the bills based on your earnings. Those bills include all child related costs. So you pay 65% for example, and he makes up the rest. What’s left over is your own personal spends, you can save yours separately, and he can buy his own family gifts (stop bailing him out with this, you aren’t his mummy). If he gets paid less one month because he’s skipped work, then that’s too bad, he still pays his share of the bills and can suck up having less spare cash.

[MusicWithRocksIn1t]

Yeah the pooling stops now, it's obviously not working.
Then you have to consider if you want to be with him at all? Existing savings get split according to how you have contributed so.mostly to you

[Supersimkin2]

Awful for your DC. DP made sure he got in first as the oh-so adorable baby.

Can’t see him having a job for much longer, why would he. By 50 he’ll have ‘retired’ if not 40.

You might not notice. Everyone else has.

[RedFrogsRule]

I had a set up like this. It got worse and worse. I think I divorced him in the nick of time. He went bankrupt a bit further down the line but luckily I wasn’t taken down with him because I’d left!

I’d never ever be financially entwined with someone who had such a lax attitude to money. It is particularly painful if you are the person funding that lifestyle with hard work and doing the bulk of the domestic work.

I suspect there are many many men who would testify to this as well. (I note the comments on discrepancies between advice to women living with main earners.)

[Yummymummy2020]

I agree with the seperate finances. I think there is hope for you as a couple, but I do think that due to the sharing you are being taken advantage of. It could leave you and your child in a bad position later. Lot less stress in splitting the bills and save or keep the rest. To be honest with this behaviour he owes you not the other way around. He also has no desire to earn more when you are the cash cow!

[JackANackAnoreeee]

Usually I can't see how adults who live together and have a child can't pool their resources but in your case I wouldn't in a million years. Even without shared finances it would really bother me that he behaves like a 13 year old with money.

[HaveringWavering]

Why do you even want to be in a relationship with a man that you openly call a “lazy slacker”? (With good reason)

To be honest I’d leave him just for not knowing the difference between “borrow” and “lend”. No wonder he doesn’t earn much.

[RedFrogsRule]

The whole ‘stop pooling’ suggestion I’m a bit sceptical of. Whilst I agree with it as a general principle I suspect this bloke would still not contribute, still have run out of cash by middle of the month and you’d still be forced to fund his life choices.

[PegasusReturns]

Switch back. There’s no reason you gave to pool and this idea that you must otherwise you’re an abuser/being abused is very peculiar to MN.

DH and I don’t pool money because we have totally different attitudes to it and it’s not worth the stress.

We’ve been married 20 years and it works fine.