To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

[Chloemol]

Stop pooling. Go back to,paying separately proportionally, but make sure you account for spending on the kids. Keep your money, including savings in a sole account. Then what he does with his money is up to him and no i would not be bailing him out. He wants more money he gets another job

[MrsJBaptiste]

I'm the first to suggest pooling money/joint accounts when in a LTR but you have to be on the same page financially. If one of you is a saver and the other a spendthrift then it just won't work.

TBH though, I'm not sure I could be with someone who spends money on such crap and then expects you to fund the rest.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Yep. It’s time for a rethink isn’t it. It’s not working. Truth be told the whole relationship isn’t working is it? You don’t respect him. You don’t trust him. You need to start thinking about letting him go.

[CutieBear]

You need to go back to paying 50:50 for the bills in a separate joint account for bills. Keep the rest of your income separate from him. So what if you have a higher disposable income! He doesn’t have the work ethic so he needs to learn to budget (especially as he takes days off just because he feels like it!!)

He doesn’t sound responsible to have a mortgage so I thinking renting is the right thing for him. I’m glad you’re not married because you’d be in a precarious position. I’m sorry, but you sound like mother and teenage son.

[FortniteBoysMum]

I would be setting some ground rules if you decide to carry on splitting the money. Like everything including money towards birthdays dcs clothes shoes etc all comes out the joint pot. Only the money left after everything is split. Also work out how much the difference in earnings is on a typical month. You don't top up his spending if he takes time of for being lazy as that's him taking money from your child. If he can't make his money last it's his problem. Failing that go back to seperate accounts. If the taking time off for no reason and not supporting your child carries on I would consider leaving. You would be better off all round. Also any future bonus should be yours alone.

[luccyloo]

Stop pooling. You pay a higher percentage of the bills to reflect your higher income but spending money is kept separate. If he spends all his then comes to you you'll just have to say no unless it's something extremely important.

As for the takeaways that's he's buying I'm curious to whether he ever gets you involved or if he just does it for himself? I'd find this so rude if I'm honest. Things like that and his laziness would put me right off him.

[ohfourfoxache]

Bloody hell, you have to stop pooling money

And actuality I’d say that you need to stop pooling as an absolute minimum....I couldn’t live with a partner like this

[mooonstone]

@Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

You’re wrong and fundamentally missing the point

when women post, their partner tends to not give them any disposable income so they’re left truly struggling. They’re also still expected to pay for childcare and any child related expenses. They’re left with no money to replace shoes with holes in, meanwhile their partner is very comfortable

In this situation Op’s partner is irresponsible with money and frittering it away in a concerning manner. It’s not normal to blow through around £800 in a few days on takeaway and Amazon. They’re saving for a deposit to move. If a woman was doing was ruining the prospects of her household moving, she would be ripped a new one on here

[Springsnake]

You have an extra child there ,that you didn’t birth ,
LTB

[CutieBear]

I’ve got the ick from just reading about him! He sounds incredibly selfish (days off work, buying random stuff for himself, making you pay for things because he’s blown all his money). Does he have any redeeming features?

[LuaDipa]

@Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

I generally agree with joint finances for families, and dh and I have always worked like this. The difference is we have shared goals and the kids come first. Neither of us would piss away our disposable income on things for ourselves then want to dip into savings unless it was absolutely essential. Had I done this, I would fully expect dh to be justifiably furious.

Shared finances work well for most couples as they work as a team. This guy is selfish beyond belief.

[ClarkeGriffin]

I would split everything again. Split the savings, give him his half and tell him that's it. He gets no more and if he wastes it in shit, he can explain to his family why games and takeaways were more important.

But, for anything for your child, he has to give a certain amount towards them every month too, like child maintenance. That can go in a separate account that only you have access to. So he pays his half on bills, £100-200 on the kid, and then the rest is his. If he wastes it in days, that's his problem. Do not lend him money, but maybe once he has wasted his savings, start showing off with yours, get yourself a nice takeaway and eat it in front of him.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Keep saving. Buy a house for you and dd.

LOVE that you have a spreadsheet!

[Twoforthree]

You can still have the same disposable income, but it needs to be truly disposable. An amount that you don't mind being wasted on shit. To do this, you need to budget a savings amount, and allocate money to other essentials first.

[LadyCatStark]

So he gets 50% of the money for himself and you get 50% for you and the kids? Why is that always the case in these situations? Do men think kids are free?

[mooonstone]

I wouldn’t even split the savings 50/50. I would just give him back the exact money he actually put in, because I can’t see this relationship lasting long term

[comingintomyown]

An adult taking sick days off work is really unattractive behaviour, what do you think of that OP ? What does he do with himself for 6 days in these restricted times lie in bed all day ? Ending a relationship, even a poor one, is really tough but the vibe from your posts suggests you are moving towards that.
I grew up in a hard up single parent home as well and no way could I countenance the money side of things either. I do wonder why you joined finances when you surely knew what he’s like with money.

[PicsInRed]

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC.

We’re not married

Yayyyyyyyy!! 🎉🎉🎉 If you leave him he can't take any house or money!

Don't ever marry him, he is a complete cocklodger. Don't ever buy property with him. Work out a plan to leave him.

[user1471538283]

Another bloke with a lovely life at least part funded by his partner! He has no ambition because he knows you will bail him out. He doesn't need to think about presents, bits for the children because... he knows you will bail him out. How an adult can sit there and let his partner get so stressed and do nothing is beyond me.

I would uncool the finances. He pays 50% of everything including savings (if he wants to buy a house he needs to save for a deposit) and harden your heart. If he comes bleating to you for more money you say no on a loop.

I would also consider leaving him. He will be like this forever!

[korawick12345]

i think he sounds awful but you have been with him 10 years and chosen to have a child with him so you must like him. You are choosing to be in relationship with him and have a kid so IMO you should be married and all assets shared, anything else is just controlling on the part of the wealthier partner (different if there are addiction issues). He spends money on shit, he's an adult he is allowed to - you aren't his boss because you earn more. If this is no longer working for you then you need to leave the relationship.

[mooonstone]

deduct any money from the savings that he has eg asked for after blowing through his money on foolishness, or not contributed due to pretending to be ill with his sick days

[FluffytheGoldfish]

Remember cocklodging is another form of financial abuse. And this guy is well on his way. How long do you think before he looses his job? And if you are earring decent money he will get little/nothing in benefits.
Protect yourself.

[mooonstone]

Include the presents for family members in that too, you know the money he decided to spend on himself rather than them as he knew he could guilt trip you into paying for it instead?

[Pinkdormobile]

@Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

This is just not true. The situations where it's called financial abuse is where the man earns significantly more, spends all his spare cash on him, keeps access to all the savings, while the woman pays for all child related services out of her part time job (which she does so she can do all the school drop offs and pick ups), and barely has enough money for an annual night out or to buy clothes or toiletries for herself. Meanwhile she does all the childcare and domestic work.

This is not at all the situation here.

[bridgetreilly]

If you pool your money you have to budget properly. Bills first, then savings, then disposable income. I would do it so that the joint account pays out the bills and savings automatically at the start of the month and make the savings account one where you have to give notice to withdraw the money. Then pay any agreed things from the rest, such as birthdays, bigger household items etc. And finally, give yourselves each an allowance that does not have to be accounted for into your own accounts. But that shouldn’t be much. It’s basically just pocket money.